I need some ideas! My 4yr old boy is struggling with greediness, and I'm not sure how to go about teaching him to change this in himself. Some examples: *He will NOT share his toys, but expects his sister to share everything of hers. *If he sees something in Emily's hands that he wants, he rips it from her hands and runs off/blocks her way to it. *If anyone says that they have to go to the bathroom, he will jump up from what he is doing, shove them out of his way to get to it first. *If it's his turn to play starfall, he gets mad/throws tantrums if Emily even stands next to him to watch. *No matter what I am giving to each child (snacks, dinner, toys), he pushes Emily of the way to try and get his FIRST. *Phrases that I hear out of his mouth too many times in a day: I'm going FIRST. That is MINE. You can't have a turn. It will never be your turn. Also, the other night, I had a rather disturbing conversation with him. I was tucking him in, and he randomly told me, "Mommy, I tore Emily's picture that was on the fridge." I asked him why he did that, and he said, "Because I think I'm better than Emily." I was taken aback. I reiterated to him that God and Mommy and Daddy love them both the same, and that's all that mattered. That while there were things he was more skilled at than Emily, she was also more skilled than him in certain areas. I told him that God gives everyone unique talents, and that he was NOT a better person than Emily. I spent a good 30 minutes talking with him about this, and at the end of it, he just said, "Well, I'm better than her." ugh. How do I address this selfish, greedy, I'm-better-than-you attitude???? I don't want to paint the picture that my son is awful. He isn't awful. He has many many very good qualitites. He is, however, extremely greedy/selfish. It's his struggle. How do I help him? Any ideas? ETA: My goal isn't to merely punish him, but rather to help him see how his actions affect those around him and help him to be more kind.
Just some ideas: It sounds like he may be jealous or insecure or feel inferior to his sister. How old is she? Does he get any special time alone with you or his Dad?
Thanks for the input, Embassy. Emily is 2. My husband and I definitely work hard to make sure that each of the kids get special alone time with both of us. During Emily's nap each day, I make sure to do something special with him, and I normally let him choose what it is.
Rebekah, I'm going to guess that he's feeling displaced/threatened by his little sister. It wasn't so bad while she was still a baby and obviously dependent, but now she's 2, and she's becoming "a real person" with wants/needs/actions of her own, he's beginning to feel the competition. I can't say that I know how to make sure that he sees that being 4 makes you older and more privileged but also more responsible and accountable than being 2, and that being older does not equate with being "better". My dd was 12 when ds joined the family when he was 2 1/2. The only thing I can think of is to explain this thoroughly, then punish him when he "asserts himself" to the detriment of his sister. Like time out and give her the toy. If you saved any of it, show him his artwork from that age alongside his sister's now, and maybe he'll see that it isn't all that different, and try to explain to him that when he is six and she is four, her artwork then will look pretty much like his does now, and his will just get better and better. Let him have a bedtime fifteen minutes later than hers, and explain that it's his privilege because he's older. Assign him some small chore, and explain that it's his responsibility not hers because he's older. Maybe he'll be able to understand that it's part of his job as the Big Brother to show her how to do things the right way - play, eat, obey, art, whatever, and to help take care of her and pray for her. Even at his age, it's a little harder to be mad at someone if you're praying for them. Maybe you could check out Keys for Kids devotionals, and see if they have any topics and "keys" that could apply to this situation that he could understand.
I have a 10 yo that does the same thing! I sure as heck can't figure out how to get him to not be like that. Part of me thinks it's 1st child syndrome. Always having to be first, has to have everything, doesn't like people looking over his shoulder etc. I have not had my ds officially diagnosed but everything I read about points to him having ADHD. I have implemented a few techniques and that seemed to help for awhile, but I think it comes down to he needs more individual time with me and my dh. We try to do our best and spend time with each kid, but sometimes it doesn't work out and I can tell a difference in his attitude when he doesn't get that attention.
I'm chewing on what you all have said. I'm taking Jake to karate now, and I'll be back later to hash it out some more! You all have given me some good insights to ponder about.
Ahh, so here I was thinking Emily was older. It does sound like jealousy to me or possibly just a big brother that needs space from his little sister. Still the behavior you described can't be excused. I would maybe work on one behavior and let the rest slide until that one is under control. He may be one who needs lots of one on one time or maybe he could use a lot of big brother space. Maybe it would help for him to have a space to keep his toys and play that is off limits to his little sister. I agree with giving him big brother responsibilities like maybe approaching his sister watching him play Starfall as him teaching her the letters. Make sure he has some advantages that come with his age too.
Wait. The 4yo is in karate?? Try this: Explain the problem to his sensei (without Jake being aware that you do it), and maybe the sensei can work it into the philosophy of the lesson at some point(s) that warriors don't act that way - it's not bushido! It's not honorable. Just like the higher-color belts are supposed to be "big brothers" to the lower-color belts and teach them things (techniques, etiquette, attitudes), those who are big brothers at home should be sure to teach proper attitudes to the younger ones at home - by demonstrating them. When I had my own dojo, the moms always told me that I could get their kids to do stuff that they never could get them to do.
We always take our kids right back to God's Word and let God do the schoolin'. The first will be last and the last will be first. When my ds acted like that with his little sissy, he had to go after her and serve her the rest of the day. It did wonders for teaching him what serving really looked like....and that is what Jesus did for us. Teach him lessons in scripture about how God looks at our hearts and what your ds looks at as "better" is not better. I'd also be making sure that the competitive nature of his karate class isn't spurring some of this behavior. I'm not at all against martial arts, so please don't think I am. I just wonder if he isn't quite mature enough yet to distinguish between competition and domination.
Thank you all SO much for helping me to think this through. Lots and lots of great input! I'm going to give him even more one-on-one time. He gets me for a good hour while she's napping, but I can spend some extra time when I tuck him in too. Lindina, that's a great idea; running it by his sensei. Today was only his third time, so we're new to it, but I can already see that they try to connect discipline in the dojo with discipline at home. At the end of each class, they ask the parents to rate their child's home behavior from the previous week 1-10. If it's lower than 7, they pull the child aside and talk to them/remind them to listen/behave. I love that! Brooke, I definitely need to find a handful of scriptures to fit his behavior and help him along in that way. As for the karate, he's in a 3-4yr old class, and there is virtually NO competition at this stage. They're all learning together right now, and really don't compete with each other at all. They're mainly working on a tiny bit of technique (kick like this), but mostly following directions, self control, respect, etc. On the topic of toys, I think I will have him go through his things and have him set aside a boxfull that is off limits to Emily. I was also considering doing the marble cup thing and rewarding when the kids are displaying teamwork/getting along.
I'm wondering if part of the problem, too, is that he has more "expectations" than his younger sister. That is my oldest's complaint, that she has to "do more" and "be more responsible" and she wishes "she was the baby". So we talk about the things she gets to do that her younger siblings don't. And not just when she's upset. I'll throw it out when she's doing it ("isn't it cool that you get to go to sleep away GS camp? your brothers are way too young for that") albeit out of hearing of the others. I also make sure to thank her ("I'm so glad I have such a big girl to help me fold the laundry. Your 3 yo sister just isn't quite ready for that, and I really needed help.") for things she can do that her sibs can't. That has really reduced how much upsetness we get. I've found that I do tend to use the "Your sis is only 3 and doesn't know better, I need you to be patient when she [hits, tears, w/e]", so I've tried going the other way, as well.
Rebekah, if you look at http://www.cbhministries.org/kfk/home.php you can do a search for specific keys for specific topics. I didn't see greed in the list, but there's jealousy, accepting others, anger, humility and lots of other topics you may find useful. There's a modern-day story, with background scriptures, a memory verse, and some thought questions.
Well, last night, we had a "family meeting" and we talked in great length about our family rules and how we need to treat each other. Jake was really involved in the talk and expressed a great interest in being a good boy. We implemented a positive reinforcement plan along with a new discipline plan, so that should be good. Now... with him in mind, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to put them in the same room for sleeping so that we can free up a room for toys and homeschooling, huh? hehe
I recomend the book: Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel. It's a great book with a lot of different behavior topics in it. It has neat ideas on what to do about the different behaviors, Bible scripture to go along and much more. One idea was, don't know if I remember exactly, it's been a while since I read it, but...Her son kept hurting his sister w/his words, so everytime he did he had to go hammar a nail in a piece of wood. After several nails and rain storms, and watering of the grass, he had to go pull a nail out each time he hurt her with his words. The lesson was, everytime you hurt your sister it is like these nails and the wood, they are damaged and it won't go away and neither will her hurt. Anyway, that is a short verse and I didn't do it much justice, but wanted you to have an idea. Great book!
