Where do you draw the line of "turning the other cheek" and ending a relationship with someone because they continually hurt you? This Thanksgiving was the very first time I was cooking. I was so excited! My mother called me the day before to tell me that her and my father were not coming because they were concerned their 80 pound poodle would get cold if the power went out at their house. Yes, ladies, I was beaten out by a dog...go figure. She called Thanksgiving morning to tell me once again that she wasn't coming. I refused to try to plea for her to come, so they stayed home. Anyway, this is honestly typical of my mother. She has major emotional issues and I have come to the point that I just don't care to be a part of it anymore. It's draining me. So at what point is it ok to say "enough?"
The fact that it's your mom really makes a difference. I think you can say ENOUGH in that you know this sort of thing will happen, and that it's not YOU personally. It's HER. I'd go on inviting, because it IS your mom, but never expecting anything to come out of it. My mom and I went through something similar, only she's sick. My mil invited them to my sil's place. They had gone last time, and had a wonderful time. Well, Mom's been sick, but she wanted to try and come anyway. Then the day before my cousin's kid called. Her family and her g'pa (Mom's brother) and Mom's sister were getting together at a restaurant. So Mom calls and tells me she can't make it because she's too sick, but is going to the restaurant instead. If she was too sick to join us, she was too sick to go out! GRRRRR!!!! And then she was fussing because I "never" come and visit. Whenever I try, she does her darndest to talk me out of it, and so I think she doesn't want me to come. Sigh....
I am sorry that you are hurt by your mother. It is worse when it is family that does it. I have been hurt by someone in my own family, not my mother, but my MIL. I had to just step back and not talk with her for awhile because I felt that if I did see or talk to her I would make things worse. She asked my hubby what was worng and he told her, she has never said sorry but she does act differently now. So I guess, with me stepping back and doing a whole lot of PRAYING things have changed somewhat. I won't try and tell you what to do, but I would say pray about it. I dont like confration, so I tend to just back away from it. I will pray for you about it. (Hugs)
I have to agree with Shelby its hard to tell anyone what to do. We aren't in your shoes so we don't know. Everyone has a story about someone hurting them. But, I agree step back, take a breather and let things work out. Sometimes we all need a little break from everyone. So, it doesn't mean you are bad if you take a break its just means you need some time to think things over. (((HUGS))))
Oh honey I feel your pain! My mother is a nightmare and frankly I do not see how my father lived with her all those 51 years, God rest his soul. I am struggling with the same thing but like Jackie said because it is Mother it is different but oh how I wish it wasnt. I'd cut my mom outta my life in a heartbeat if I only could. She has every medical ailment under the sun and needs everyone to do everything for her. I have finally decided to put my foot down where she is concerned and if she doesn't like it - too bad soo sad for her. The last straw was the week before Thanksgiving when my dd7 was supposed to spend the night with her at her request and it had been planned for a week. The morning of she calls to tell me that her 50something year old neice (my cousin that nobody can stand and we've decided to have nothing to do with and mother knows this) is staying instead because her heat is out and she has nowhere to go. Did I mention this is Texas and it was in the 60s? So she made my dd7 cry because she didn't have the guts to tell my cousin to go home. I am begining to hate my mother with an intense passion and that is a very bad thing. I stuggle with my hatred of her. I resent her and have no respect for her and that I'm ok with. The hate not so much. I'm in constant prayer about this.
the more I read all these stories the more I have to say something. Alot of you know my MIL lived with me for years and yes it was very hard and I mean hard. I don't get old people they think the world owes them. I remember my MIL in her scooter going all over town with it and one day I told her Mom you have to stop cars are coming she said I am 90 years old they better stop for me. I looked at her and said WHAT? Yes, I think when people get old they think the world owes them. I they feel they raise us up, now its our turn to give to them, I guess. Now before I get hate mail I am not saying all old people do this just 99.1 % do there are a few who don't.
I understand, I've been there, by my parents and YES even because of their dog. Here is what I have done: I told my parents how I feel, more than once. It never changes things but it makes me feel better. I am not one to fake it and act like everything is ok when it is not, so I tell them why I am hurt and then move on. I continue to give in the relationship and do what is right even though I know the hurt will keep coming. I learned along time ago that it's not me, personally, like Jackie said, but often times it still hurts. But I still feel like know matter how bad the hurt, I still need to forgive and keep giving, maybe just not give, as much.
Mom24Boys, I did tell my mom when she told me she was going with my cousin. No, it didn't change things, but it did help me! And then when she started to tell me about it afterwards (I'm calling her almost daily now, due to her poor health), I interrupted her and told her I was glad she enjoyed herself, but I really didn't want to discuss it with her. So, THERE! NYAHHH!! LOL!
I get what many of you are saying. I know that forgiveness is necessary, and I am not holding any anger against her. I am just...tired of it. I have listened to her tear me down my whole life, calling names, and telling me I am so horrible that she was going to kill herself to get away from me. I continue to try to have a relationship with her because she IS my mom, and she's yet to act that way around my kids. (if she ever ever says those things around my children there will be WAR!) I feel like I have my own issues, my own problems, and she just keeps adding and adding and adding to them. Is it to much to ask for her just to be NORMAL? Yes, I know it is, but still... Sigh...thanks for the prayers you all have sent up. I really appreciate them...and really need them...
Pray and ask the Lord to continue giving you strength to forgive because bitterness is a HORRIBLE thing and will hurt you, not your mom. I agree, if my parents acted this way around my kids, it would be war because my children wouldn't be allowed to be around it, but my parents would be the ones at war. My brother and I tell each other all the time, "He (our dad) is NEVER going to change." I think I would tell my parents, I am tired of the hurt and I am going to step back, and theN PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
I guess it depends on what she is doing to hurt you. Not coming to a dinner, imho, is not that big of a deal. It may sting but how devastating is it really? I know I get a little defensive when issues with mothers come up but I lost my mom two years ago to cancer. I loved her very much but we had our differences. There were times I felt hurt but I knew she loved me more than life. I miss her every day, even the times I felt annoyed or hurt. More times than not they are not trying to intentionally hurt you. Looking back, a lot of the time it was probably my attitude, inexperience, and over-sensitivity that made the situation worse than it was. Anyway, just keep in mind that she is your mother and you are scripturally bound to honor her. (Eph. 6:1-3) Cherish the time you do have with her, it is never long enough.
My mother and I were always close. Then I met my now husband, and everything changed. My mother has never spent more than 5 minutes with my husband but she doens't like him. I used to keep calling and trying to be her daughter and get her to be my mother. It hasn't worked and after 8 years of trying I finally gave up. My mother has my phone number and address if she wants to talk, otherwise I guess that's it. I still send her a birthday card and Christmas card and a picture of the family, but if she doesn't want to talk then it's her loss. She has never met my two youngest children and only saw my oldest once when he was 4 months old. She says she doesn't have grandchildren, it hurts but it's her choice. My choice is to not let it bother me, and I don't. She's going to be however she's going to be and I can't change that, but what I can control is how I choose to react. I react with "Ok, mom, I love you but I can not continue to let you hurt me" I choose not to let it affect my children. They have their grandpa (my dad) and grandma (his wife) and they love them dearly.
(((hugs))) Very recently I've had to take a serious step back from my entire family of birth. We were going through an extremely rough patch and I discovered that the people who should have been there to support me.. weren't. My mother constantly patronized me. My father verbally beat me up over something insanely unimportant (which resulted in me telling him to get off my ****ing back... that bad), and my sis couldn't be bothered to care at all. The problems had been going on since my childhood, but I just hadn't seen them (dh had, though) as clearly as I did then. It has been hard, but it's for the best. None of them seem to be talking to me, either, although I'm not sure if that is only because I've been the one to work for the relationships in the past, and now I'm not, or if they actually AREN'T talking to me. What I've realized is how much stronger I am when I have no one telling me I'm not. I have no one treating me like I'm 12, which means I can trust my own decisions better, and don't feel like a constant failure. I'm not the 'other one', the 'black sheep', or the one who is 'too emotional'. I'm a 35 year old woman who is entitled to my opinions, and to live my life as I see fit. I'm not saying I will never talk to them again. I'm sure I will- they ARE my family. But truthfully when a relationship just hurts, and hurts, and hurts us again, than it's time to do something to separate it from who we are. You can do that and still forgive them. Forgiving and allowing them to abuse you are not the same thing.
Thanks Jackie, it's just a shame it took me 7 years to figure it out! I always felt like if I wasn't trying then I wasn't loving her, but the truth of it is that I will always love my mother, but not trying was me not allowing her to hurt me. I gfigure that in the end she will be the one with regrets, not me.
It's okay to say enough, now. I went through and continue to go through family stuff like that. My MIL is very much this way. We are "inconvenient", and she is ruled by her fears...so...it's hard. My bio mom was like this often, too. It is okay to continue to invite, but do not expect different actions. I'm sorry your Mom chose a dog over you - it almost sounds to me like she was awaiting you telling her it was okay to bring the dog with her - and when you didn't bite (sorry for the pun), she decided to back out. HUGS...surround yourself with those you ENJOY on holidays!!! OR...SERVE those in need. That is the way to celebrate.
Interesting thread. Sometimes I wonder if any family is "normal." Good question. I'm not sure I know the answer as I am trying to sort through this one too. I've pretty much gone the cordial route the past couple years with my family. I am hesitant to invest much more than that, but stay connected for the sake of my children and my family. For me though the hurt goes both ways. I hurt my family tremendously and I am a continual source of embarrassment with a great deal of blame placed on my husband. As a result I am an outsider in my own family. But I didn't do anything other than leave the cult my family lives and breathes. They raised me in that cult and blame themselves for my departure. Their hurt and anger has resulted in a lot of hurt and anger on my end. It has been quite a struggle and I am finally coming to a place of acceptance. I know I cannot have the relationship I desire and I have stopped beating my head against the wall trying to break down the barrier that keeps me at an emotional distance. I'm cordial, but not emotionally invested anymore - at least that is my goal. I can't get milk from a chicken so I should stop expecting to find milk there. While I wish my family and I were connected I have no regrets. I love my life. I cherish the freedom I have found in Christ alone. I am so blessed with a wonderful husband, children, and I've been warmly welcomed into my husband's family.
