A 7yo girl undergoes plastic surgery to avoid bullying. Let me preface my thoughts with my story. Or, rather, the story I wrote for my oldest. He was born with part of an extra finger. He had what looked like a teeny little pinkie (nail and all) attached to his right thumb. It did not connect to the hand, just stuck on the side of his thumb. It had no mobility of its own. The plastic surgeon visited me within hours of DS' birth. He told me that DS would be bullied forever if we left it on and that it would be cruel, etc, not to "fix it." So when DS was 4 months old (the surgeon's timetable), we had it removed. The whole event was traumatic for various reasons. The surgery did not go smoothly, his recovery was much longer than it should have been, and I was devastated. I was reluctant that morning to put him on that gurney, but the surgeon just kept telling me that DS would have a miserable life if I changed my mind. I never have forgiven myself. Sometimes DS, when explaining his obvious scar (that rests on a huge lump, btw; so much for "looking normal"), will tell people that he wished he still had that cool extra bit. He likes to show people the pictures. It's a source of pride that he was born different. And the kicker is that since we homeschool, the "school yard bully" we feared doesn't exist in our world! And DS is confident enough with himself that I'm sure he would just tell off the mocker. ha! God created Eli with that extra part and I, in my fear, let it be seen as a blight. So, my thoughts on this little girl - Yes, she might have been bullied, but what message does it send to her that she should take such drastic measures to alter her body just to be accepted by people who aren't worth her time in the first place?! What happens when she gets made fun of for her freckles (trust me, it will happen)? Will she bleach her skin? Not only that, but doesn't it sort of tell the kids that the victim of the bullying is to blame? Don't try to punish the bullies, alter the target to be less dweeby or whatever....
Ds has 2 deformities. He has curvature of the spine and one side of his chest caves in. Both of these can be life threatening in severe cases. Ds's is not severe at all. However, we do have to keep monitoring it especially during growth spurts. At this stage, you don't notice anything unless he isn't wearing a shirt. Since his "symptoms" are so slight, I won't put him through the pain of that drastic a surgery. Should his symptoms get any worse, I would do it in a heartbeat. This is also one of the major reasons we homeschool. We made the decision because we wanted to avoid ANY type of bullying. And yes, this could cause bullying especially in a phys ed situation. Would I have gotten his ears "fixed" to prevent bullying? No, because there are other ways to prevent bullying with homeschooling being one of those ways. Would I have surgery to prevent health issues? You betcha! I did notice that the surgeon was doing this for free. Maybe that had some influence on the mom to permit the surgery when she otherwise would have allowed or paid for it. Marty
Oh, if there were any health concerns, I'd do it in a heartbeat, too. Totally different situation, imo.
As the mother of a child with a facial deformity (cleft lip), I think what the parents did for this little girl was wonderful. I saw how mean the kids were to our daughter in first and second grades. We have been through many plastic surgeries to get our daughter's nose and lip to look as normal as possible. It was important to fix this birth defect so her speech and eating were not affected. I remember our plastic surgeon saying he always does the lip first because even little babies sense people's reaction when they see the cleft lip. Just my opinion and I thought the little girl looked very happy with the way her ears looked after her operation. Beth
I would like to say I think she was adoreable the way God made her. And I agree that it does send the wrong message to the public to say she had to change because of schoolyard bullying or rude adult comments. I went to PS and there was a girl in my class who had a 'bulb' for lack of a better word on the end of her nose. She was made fun of and she wanted to have plastic surgery. I recall as a child that I missed seeing her sweet round nose afterward. I know though that it made her feel 100 percent better about herself. But I am not sure I would allow that kind of cosmetic surgery until later in life when they can make a more adult decision for themselves. Amie- I am sorry you feel bad for your sons finger. I am sure it was a very difficult decision for you to make.
Hmm. We've always had prominent ears. It's a family trait. I liked her ears better before the surgery. And honestly- I agree. There will always be something. I didn't get teased for my ears. I got teased for my glasses, my clothes, just because the other kids didn't like me. I read too much, lied too little, and just didn't care about popular culture (some things don't change LOL). We DO victimize the kids who get bullied. It is THEIR fault for not fitting in better, for not being like everyone else, for.. a million things. The truth is.. animals bully each other. My chickens hang out in minigroups according to color. And if a chicken is vastly different, they can be picked on. My own thought is that we are genetically predisposed to avoid 'differences' because they could attract predators (from our early days.. when we were on the menu). You didn't want to be the blond in a group of dark haired people, because guess who's going to attract the eyes of lions? Imagine being the zebra with no stripes, or the white impala. In kids, that turns into bullying, and it is the responsibility of the adults in society to teach our kids that differences don't matter- not an easy concept for kids to learn. And it's obvious that many adults still don't get it, which is why the victim is blamed for not being more like the group. (paint on some stripes! Pin back your ears!)
In elementery, I was the shortest,(I'm still only barely 5 ') the skinniest(in the 4th grade I weighed about 45 lbs), the one with big teeth, and then later on in high school I had the most horrible acne. You think I wan't bullied? There wasn't a single thing my parents could have done about it. I just learned to adjust. I learned to fight back. My parents basically said," Suck it up, God made you this way and this is who you are. " To tell a kid they need to have surgery to look normal is more cruel in my mind. If the ears had affected her health in any way, it would have been different.
Stories like this make me very sad, and angry, too... My daughter was born with a "facial difference", too. She had a haemangioma (strawberry birthmark) on her upper lip. It grew to about the size and colour of a plum before it began to slowly deflate, turn grey, and wrinkle up. It dragged her upper lip down over her mouth. We opted to take a very conservative approach toward treatment. The doctors we talked to were split - some wanted to "fix her" right away, others supported our desire to wait. Me, I was teased viciously all through school, even though I was a perfectly pretty little girl. So my thought was - well, if she's going to be teased anyway, she might as well be teased for something that isn't really HER, instead of being teased for being "dumb", "a loser", "a geek", "a nerd," all that stuff. When my daughter was very small, I kissed her birthmark a lot, and named it like any other part of her body. When she was old enough to speak, I taught her to say, "Dis is my birfmark!" Then I had her answer for herself whenever people said, "What's that on her face?" Most people were just curious. Some people were rude and said things like, "Ew!" or "Yuck!" If it was a rude child, I said, "Hey! How would you like it if someone said things like that about you?" If it was a rude adult, then I took my daughter's hand and said, "C'mon honey, we don't pay any attention to stupid people." (Yes, I know that's not PC, but nothing makes me madder than an adult who thinks they can be rude or cruel to a child.) My daughter, after a lot of discussion with us and her doctor, chose to have her first surgery when she was 7. She had to work through some unhappiness afterward, partly over losing "part of me", and partly from dealing with the pain and fear of having stitches. When she was 12, she decided to have some more work done. She had about three laser sessions and then announced she wasn't having anything more done. Ever! She's fifteen now and so far she's stuck to her guns, even though her upper lip is still crooked, scarred and a little discoloured. She says, "I'm comfortable with who I am." And, by the way, I think she means it! She's in a public high school right now. A couple months ago, she was fighting with another girl in the locker room. As my daughter put it, "Our fight was getting pretty heated. Then she said something mean about my face. All of a sudden, half the girls in the room jumped on her and said she couldn't say something like that to me! She had to apologize to me, mom!" There are some really decent kids out there, even in public school. I think it's wrong - no, actually I think it's downright immoral to inflict surgery on kids just to make them look like everyone else. And as much as I LOVE homeschooling, I don't think it's right to homeschool just because your kid looks different, either. I think there have to be better reasons to homeschool than just protecting your child from some teasing that hasn't even happened yet. The cruel comments don't just happen in school. They happen everywhere, and you have to teach your kid the confidence and self-respect to stand up for herself in the face of rudeness and ignorance. You can't hide, and you can't run away. (Although you can certainly choose to roll your eyes and walk away, lol!) I'm worried that just tucking a little girl's ears back won't be nearly enough to solve the problems she's facing socially. And then what will she do? Sorry this is so long... it's an important topic to me.
I realize not every one agrees with our reasons for homeschooling. While preventing bullying wasn't the only reason we chose to homeschool, it was a major one. I'm unwilling to put my special needs child with physical issues in a situation where he could be bullied. Even if that is only a potential threat and not an actuality. I don't mean to imply that that reason is good for everyone else. But for us it was extremely important. Marty
I agree with you Marty, that Homeschooling is a great way to escape bullying. As ugly it can get, no one has right to miser someone's life. Kids are sent to school to learn basic education, but not put down and get hurt. While education is a treasure, bullying is a tragedy even in a mild dose. We are all homeschooling for different reasons. I understand that mother. She did what she though was best for her child. This does not shows how *wrong* the mother is, this shows how *wrong* and crooked the system and society is. My son has nice features, and very handsome, yet he is a target for bullying often due to his "nerdy" kinda appearance. Something is within him that makes him to differ from the mates. Not every one has this confidence to back off he bullies, especially if there is a obvious defect. Last night my son all of a sudden remembered how he was lonely at school, not being able to fit in, saying: they didn't like me probably because of my big lips. But there is absolutely nothing wrong w/his lips, maybe little puffy and cute. Needless to say how kids w/defects feel. The young generation is less emotional and more cruel that previous lets agree. I can think of few reasons, like disconnection in families first and in society second, then too much media and too much violent shooting videogames; life values are being lowered to material satisfaction and success is being measured by "how cool you are". TV shows ( at least those that I am aware of) for the kids, especially for the teenagers, is shallow and stupid for the most of the time. Why not to put something meaningful for change?
I also think homeschooling is a completely valid choice for bullying. My kids were given a 3-step rule for dealing with bullies. They had to tell the bully to stop. Then they had to tell the teacher. And if THAT didn't work, they were free to shove the bully down and walk away. Our school didn't agree with me at all- but schools DON'T stop bullies. They are all about intervention or.. idk, but in the end, the bullies are give 57 excuses for bullying, and the victims are made to feel like it's really their fault. We even had a meeting with ds's teacher about it, and she made excuse after excuse. I also agree that kids are so disconnected. Our worst situation with bullying happened in Kindergarten! And it wasn't one day of a little teasing- it was day after day after day. When ds ended up with bruises on his throat, and the teacher tried to tell us they were just playing.. well. When kids are raised by ps and daycare, and see their parents for an hour or two a night (crammed with supper, homework, and baths), then their weekends are stuffed full of 'activities' and constant running around.. when are they supposed to feel connected? When do they have time to just sit and cuddle, and when do their parents have time to see behavior problems at home and deal with them?
I'd never mean to suggest that bullying is not a reason to homeschool! I think a parent's primary responsibility is to protect their children, and no child should ever be forced to stay in an abusive environment - even if that environment happens to be school. Bullying is an excellent reason to homeschool. I get very cranky when stories end up in the paper about kids being bullied in school for years on end, and being forced to go anyway. That infuriates me, and I wonder what the parents were thinking. Would they force their child to stay in an abusive job or marriage? But... I still don't like the *assumption* that just because your child looks different, that they WILL be bullied. I don't like the idea of proactively homeschooling, because you don't want them to be around other children who MIGHT bully them. To my mind, that'd be like refusing to allow your daughter to marry, because of all the men out there who abuse their wives. Me, I'd rather try to deal with the issue of bullying head on, and give my children the tools to fight it, and the confidence to know how to stand up for themselves and insist on being treated fairly. They'll need these skills when they grow up, because bosses bully their employees and spouses bully each other. Bullying is an unavoidable fact of life. Homeschool because it's a superior educational choice. Homeschool because you love your children and want to spend time with them while they're still young. Homeschool because it's the best choice for your family. Homeschool because you don't think it's natural to group young children together all day in same-age groups. Homeschool for a million reasons! But please don't homeschool because you're afraid. Fear is never a good basis for major life decisions. And children can surprise you, sometimes, with how sensitive and compassionate they can be. Even public schooled kids. Last year I saw a terrified little girl climb up on stage in front of her whole middle school, to perform in a talent show. She was fat, and spotty, and not well dressed. She didn't sing well either - she was horribly off key. But the children in the audience (6th to 8th grade) cheered for her unreservedly, and shouted encouragement, and when she got off the stage her fellow performers hugged her and told her how brave she was. She was glowing. Later, a boy had trouble doing some yo-yo tricks. Nothing was working and the harder he tried the worse he got. The children in the audience kept shouting at him to "give it one more shot", and "it's okay!" They applauded when he left the stage, even though he hadn't succeeded in doing his trick. He ran to the back of the room and hid his face... and immediately two boys followed him and put an arm over his shoulders, and began talking to him. I believe in giving people a chance to show their quality. If they let you down, then do what you got to do, but don't stop believing in them.
My ds is autistic. He may never learn to "deal with" bullies. I'm not willing to run the risk of him being picked on and bullied even though that risk is only a potential. If and when he is capable of dealing with those types of realities, then I will "turn him loose". We live with the realization that he may never marry, leave home or be independent. But I am not willing to let him be trapped in a prison of his mind because I allowed him to face something he wasn't able to handle. And I'm not willing to run the risk that it might happen. Having surgery to alter a child's appearance to prevent bullying is very different than homeschooling to prevent bullying. I'm not altering my ds's appearance. I'm keeping him safe at home. Marty
I was talking more generally - your situation is very specific, and I do believe you are absolutely doing the right thing for your son and your family. I wouldn't expect a blind child to play dodgeball on the playground, either. It's very different when your children have either no disabilities, or another kind of disability that doesn't significantly affect their ability to interact with people. But I'd still argue that you're not really homeschooling to "prevent bullying". Your child is simply not ready for unsupervised interactions with his peers, and he may never be. You're helping him and supporting him, and recognizing the limits of his abilities. That's what all parents should do! I homeschooled my son for four years because of an anxiety disorder and some undiagnosed lds and a medical issue. I didn't know about most of that, but I knew my kid wasn't happy and I thought it was more important for him to have a stress-free childhood, than go to school. I wanted to give him a solid foundation, so that when the time came for him to be in the world, he'd have something to stand on.
I don't know if anyone has said this or not, I heven't read everyone elses reponse yet (I'm sure after I do there will be another response. lol), but here is my take on this: I couldn't watch the whole tape, mostly because I saw nothing wrong with her ears to begin with. I couldn't even hardly tell there was anything wrong with them until they mentioned it in the video. First off, Do you not think that this is a sort of "test"? I mean, a Godly Test. God made all of our children different for a reason and we may not know WHAT reason, but I'm a firm believer that there usually is one. God gave my son autism and ADHD, in my opinion, so that I could learn to be patient WITH him, and learn to take things one step at a time. I value my life, and my family much thanks to my boy. God gave that little girl different ears. Why? Who knows, God has a funny way of keeping quiet until the time is right. Did fixing her ears alter that path? Let's value our differences because they are what god gave us. Secondly, What message does this send to the bullies? What message does this send to other parents? Don't you think this may give bullies free reign to bully until SOMETHING is done? Bully the kid until they get it fixed with plastic surgery, they move or switch schools or until they decide to commit suicide. Plus, who's to say they wont bully that little girl because of possible scars on her ears left over from surgery? (I don't know if she has any left over since i didn't finish the movie, but I still think it's a valid point.)
That's part of the reason I homeschool my middle son. Home is where he's familiar, home is where he's comfortable, and home is where his family is. Plus, when we took him to visit the school the white starch walls, the white tile and red doors KILLED his eyes. Ugh, imagine walking through the halls of THAT everyday. lol. Plus, I know how cruel kids can be to handicapped kids with autism or anything else. It wasn't 5 years ago I was walking my autistic brother around the school and heard things like riding the "veggie Van", "flutter fingers", and "whale" (he squeals sometimes).
You said it very well! :love: I also wonder what message it sends to the little girl. Does it tell her that minor physical "flaws" aren't acceptable, and that it's her responsibility to fix them, rather than expect others to treat her with kindness and respect, regardless of how she looks?
I think that the little girl is adorable. But, after saying that I have a daughter with a birth mark on her nose. Its quite large and black. It doesn't matter if you go to public school or not people are nasty when there is the slightest thing different. I have had adults come to my home and look at her and say OMG what happened to your face! The rejection she felt was heart breaking. Now, there are times when children have asked her, Do you have a third eye? Her response to children is "Why God gave that to me, Were you special enough to get one?" She came up with that herself I almost fell over when I heard her say that but anyway she delt with it and she was only 5. Saying that she wants its removed and the Dr. doesn't want to do it until she is done growing. But, I find her hinding makeup and trying to cover it up and she is only 9. I am tempted to demand that they just remove it. But, when we look at her we don't even see it. It is a hard call. But, I think I had a Dr. willing and could afford it I would do it in a blink of a eye. Look how many of us diet and exercise to look better and with a abnormality I think if we had the ability given to us we would all go for it.
I can sympathize! And I'm sure you've already read my daughter's story on the previous page. I just wanted to say that there were a few things that really helped my daughter. 1. AboutFace. It's a terrific organization supporting children born with facial differences (birthmarks, vascular malformations, etc). But more to the point, it also introduced my daughter to other children whose challenges were *much* more serious than her own. I read their stories to her, and it really helped her realize how much she has to be grateful for in her own life. 2. Believing in her own specialness and purpose in life helped, too. Some strange things happened to us when she was small, including an old man who walked up to us in a restaurant, showed us the birthmark over his heart, and told us that birthmarks were "where angels had touched us". He said that because our daughter's birthmark was over her mouth, that meant God meant her to speak the truth to the world some day. My daughter was only a baby when he approached us, but we kept telling her that story and others as she got older. It's particularly important to us, because coincidentally one of my daughter's names means prophetess, and language is her strongest talent. (Though she's pretty darn good in maths and sciences, too!) 3. I told my daughter that I wasn't sorry at all that she was born with a birthmark. I told her it set my mind at ease, to know that she couldn't be mistaken for any other baby. "We'll never lose you, and no one can ever take you away from us, because anyone who sees you will know right away that you're ours." 4. I supported my daughter in her choices. In our case, makeup can't cover or hide her mark, and lipstick is... well, obviously pointless, but I did make it clear to her that she was free to do as she chose when it came to making herself feel pretty. I never "banned" make up or shaving, and I did her hair for her any way she wanted. My daughter never abused that privilege (other than going through an "all black" phase when she was seven!), and is a nice down-to-earth kid now. All she did before starting high school was get her eyebrows plucked. Other than that, it's jeans and basic tees all the way. 5. We all believe she's beautiful - because she is! The kid is gorgeous, inside and out. Anyone who says different can go soak their head. Best of wishes to you, your lovely (and clever!) daughter, and your family.
