Ok, I gotta be upfront.....I cannot teach this to anyone, because I don't know how to LOL. I just have to vent *grrr* It's not anyone else other than my family that can't seem to stop asking me for favors. It's gone on my whole life, and I cannot break the cycle. I say yes to whatever, then I'm mad about it, when I created the situation myself. It has put a strain on my marriage at times, because I feel like I HAVE to please the family, and my dh reminds me that they are using me. Not alot of love lost between my dh and my sister btw(it goes both ways). So, I have tried not answering my phone to certain family members, then they call the cell phone, if I don't answer that phone they call my boys' cell phones, and if that STILL don't work, they'll call my mother to call me. They know I'll answer the phone to my mom because she's had 2 massive heart attacks, and I'm afraid something has happened.Then my mother will convince me that they(sister/niece's ect.) NEED me to do this or that, and would I PLEASE, for her, do it. And if worse comes to worse, they come to my house ROFL. It's endless. It's not anything major that they ask, but somedays they will run me to death. I have, over the past year, gotten better at saying no. So guess what happens...yup, you guessed it, they all get P.O.'d at me. I don't want that either. I have a family to take care of, and they all feel that because I'm home all day, that I have nothing better to do. I HOMESCHOOL MY KIDS for crying out loud, I run errands, take care of finances, the house ect. ect. I'm the odd ball in the family, I actually cook 3 meals a day, I know it's unheard of in my family, but I actually do this LOL. Oh, and guess what comes after supper..... DISHES! Not a paper bag to throw away! I apologize for going on and on, but I'm a little frusturated at the moment. I work 2 nights a week, plus weekends so I can homeschool my boys. I didn't quit my day job to take care of everyone elses problems while they're at work during the day. I don't know how to be effective at saying NO. I always feel guilty. WHY?? I would like to be able to say " no, I'm sorry I can't" and not get bombarded with the WHY NOT?? and have to deal with the attitude I get. Suggestions please. Anyone else a reformed Yes Man? LOL
Just say no. Don't say "I'm sorry I can't" and don't feel guilty because you are being USED. If that doesn't work for you, you can set an hourly fee. Tell your sister your time is worth x number of dollars per hour. make it high-like $40/per hour. Tell her you charge $40/hour plus cost of fuel to run her errands, watch her kids or whatever it is she wants you to do and you want to be paid 2 (or more!) hours up front before you will do anything. Even if you were sitting on your butt in front of the tv eating bon bons all day, it doesn't matter. You still have the right to do with your time what you choose to do with it because you never get that time back. So any time you spend doing their errands takes away from you and your family. Period. They should feel guilty for adding extra work to your load and for being so selfish. If it's adding stress to your marriage, that is a deal breaker right there because your spouse should come before any other person. Honestly, if you have an answering machine and voice mail on your cel phones, let the machine get it. If it's a true emergency, they (including your mother) will leave a message and you can call right back. If they don't leave a message, it's not important. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I let the machine get it and listen for the message. If there isn't one, it obviously wasn't important.
I think you just have to get to your breaking point. Until you do you most likely won't change. Best advice-realize that your dh & family are the most important. Understandable that you wouldn't want to upset your mom, sisters, etc-but they are not your priority any longer. If they are making you crabby and stressed I have a feeling your kids and dh are the ones suffering. So you are allowing them to control you basically. You have to just let it go. Until you get to the point of "oh well" they are not going to stop. They will get mad at first-but you know they will get over it eventually. Your just going to have to tell your mom you love her and will do things for her-but you are being stretched too thin and other people can fend for themselves. I know it sounds harsh=but you have to prioritize: your sister or your kids? I think it's easier if you look at it like that, like she is taking away from your children. (((((((HUGS))))))) I know it's not easy!
You feel guilty because you allow them to make you feel guilty. They developed a dependence on you and you allowed it so you feel guilty pulling out the rug from under them. Well, honey, I hope you pull a good rug and I hope they are wearing rubber soled shoes...PULL THAT RUG OUT. Don't let them control you any longer. You need to fulfill your God given role as wife and mother FIRST. This will not be easy. This will feel like torture to your heart but you have to go through this to get to the other side. Prayers to you!
No! Sounds like you have the need to please girl. (((( )))) Remember, people are happy as long as you are doing what they want you to do, the minute you say no, they will be upset. Say no once and they will leave you alone. It's like someone who always asks to borrow money, you loan it to them and you don't hear from them again. Just say no and if they get upset, they can put on their Big Girl or Boy Panties and get over it. It is better they are unhappy than for you to be in conflict with yourself or your dh over it. kwim? (((( ))))
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) yep been there done it. I know my family was the same way they loved me when I could help them but when I finally said no I was sh-- to them. Wonderful aren't they. But, do say NO don't let them walk over you it's not worth it.
I say "I'm sorry, but I'm busy." -that way no one can throw it in my face. You ARE busy, and your family needs to know that. And if they want to know with what, just repeat, you are busy. Good luck - can't pick your family, eh?
I had the same problem you have...I could never ever ever say no. I was such a people pleaser. Then my aunt sent me a book called Boundries by Dr. Henery Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is christian based, but even without the religion it still has amazing advice. It changed my life. I learned to say no. It has been nearly 6 years since I read the book and even though in the beginning people hated HATED hated me, they eventually got over it. I no longer get asked to do things and I don't feel guilty! It is wonderful!!!! I learned that when you say no you don't have to tell them why you can't. You are not accountable to them. Say no and leave it at that.
