need adivce to discourage dating at young age

How do you teach girls to wait to date. My 12 year old finally decided to hs. It's going great. She was very boy crazy when she was in ps. She always had a boyfriend and it's what eventually led to her hsing. (girls bullying her over boys that liked her and not them). It's been better since she's been home. A couple of weeks ago she said she had a boyfriend. I really didn't say anything since she wouldn't ever see him just talk on facebook and over the phone. I've always had an open invitation to anyone who wants to go to church with us. So she asks if he can go. After a lot of thought and prayer I decided to say yes. So now she is talking about going on dates with him and all kinds of crazy not going to happen stuff. Turns out she had this all planned out. She was mad because I told her that she couldn't sit next to him in the car. He'd have to sit by her brothers. Then she was mad when I told her no holding hands at church. I heard her talking to her friend about wanting him to kiss her and she can't wait until I let them date this summer. We've talked about this before but she some reason thinks I'm changing my mind. It's crazy. She's not dating until 16 or older and that is only with me along. People thiink I am crazy but I'd rather her be courted and not date a lot of people. I have very traditional values. She keeps saying how all her ps friends parents let them date alone. They drop them off and pick them up. Her dad (my x) tells her how she needs to be dating and kissing and all kinds of crap. She doesn't understand why I don't want this for her. So How do you stress and teach your daughter to wait and not want this. I got her the book Waiting on Prince Charming and she read the first couple of chapters laughed and refused to read the rest. I'm going crazy here. I see her going down the same road I did and I don't want that for her. Tonight when we were talking she said Don't worry mom he's going to marry me when we are 18 he already said. She way trying to explain why it was okay to make out with him if I'd just let her. I don't want to fight with her I just want her to understand why it's wrong to date and make out at this age. Any advice or resources would be great. Thanks.

 

Oh. My. Gosh. She's TWELVE??? I have absolutely no words of wisdom for you, but I wish you the best. I have no idea what I'd do if my kid wanted to date at age 12.

 

Oh my goodness.. I don't know what to say either, as thankfully we have not had to deal with this yet. Prayers lifted for you though!

My boys are 16, 14, and 11. Each have had a small crush on a girl, but only to the point of wanting to look nice, impress her, compliment her- kind of thing. My oldest does not bring up the question of dating yet (although I've heard a little more of the group invites going around lately)- but we are definitely more in the mindset of courting than dating-for-Friday-night sake.

I'll be interested in what others have to say about this, as we seem to be in an area of like-minded families (which I am thankful for!).

MT3

 

This is where it gets tough to be a parent. Stick to your guns. It is, unfortunately, not our job to be their "friend" but be their parent. She may no like it now - but someday, she WILL thank you.

Wish I had true words of wisdom. My oldest has absolutely NO desire right now!!!

 

sending ((HUGS)) and wished I could say more to help but no idea. I too am not at this point and my DD is 11 1/2 years old and still says boys are weird and all they care about are video games. At 12 I had a boyfriend who all I could do was see at school. So I guess not really a boyfriend in today's terms. When her time comes it will be the same as me, group dating only with parent pick up and drop off. This was when I was 14.

Could just keep her extra busy with sports, scouting or other clubs. this way there is hardly anytime for the boyfriend.

 

I think I would extend the no dating rules to no boyfriends and I'd sit down or some good talks on why that is. Nothing that makes her feelings seem irrelevant but just some discussion about your values and feelings. Then I'd make Dad or a male relative stepped into the picture and started doing so special things with her so a) she gets male attention outside the boyfriend dynamic and b) she doesn't have time for boys.

 

I absolutely know what I'd do. One little word. NO.

My girls knew from a much younger age that this was not an option. Closed subject no discussion. Rachael is now 17 (big difference from 12!!!) and has been out with a nice Christian boy that is on her soccer team. He invited her first to Homecoming; she said it wasn't "really" a date because they were just friends. She even insisted on paying half of everything. He then asked her to the Junior/Senior banquet and all-night party (which takes the place of Prom at his Chiristian school). I don't think she paid, but she says he's just shy and wanted to go and didn't feel comfortable around girls to ask one. (Personally, I think Rachael's selling herself short!) And finally Carl had to tell her that it IS OK to like him.... Oh, his parents drove both times!

 

Unfortunately, it seems she has already allowed herself to awaken love before it's time. Hindsight is always 20/20. Now your job is to admit to her that you didn't realize allowing her to have "boyfriends" would lead to her giving her heart away. She needs to see that you recognize the path she is on and that it is not acceptable for her to continue on it. I do think you need to still be open to her discussion, if she can discuss things rationally and not in a heated argument. She has already gotten to a point that she will now need to heal and she's going to need you to work through this.

We started very young teaching our children that their hearts were only meant to be given to their spouse and that God would reveal who that was in due time. If you are not inclined to use scripture, one idea is to ask her to think of how many couples are together even a year from when they start "dating" at her age. When you have a boyfriend, you will either get married or break up, and unless you are ready for marriage right now, a relationship should not be an option.

My heart goes out to you. My ds15 shared with us last summer that he had a girlfriend at church and felt he needed to tell us and he was willing to submit to our authority if we didn't want him to "see" her. (I'm using quotations because he is not actually going anywhere with her) He is a very mature teen, and we felt he was able to really think this through and pray over it. It was determined that he needed to ask her father's permission to see his daughter. It turns out that she is not allowed to date until she is out of high school. Ds shared with us that she wanted to continue to see him anyway and ds did the honorable thing and broke it off with her. He had a broken heart for a long time, but he has already seen the wisdom in his decisions to do things the right way. The girl has another bf she is hiding and ds is very glad he is able to see where things would have headed if he had not been obedient to God and the parents involved.

There is restoration for our kids even if they have given their hearts away when they should not have. We just need to be firm and encouraging along the way. Sometimes we forget that their feelings of love are just as real as ours, they just give them away more haphazardly.

 

She’s been strongly influenced by our popular culture. You have a hard job ahead of you to undo its influence. I’d start by praying... a lot! Then I’d get rid of or at least limit all the sources from which she is being brainwashed by popular culture. No TV (I’d get rid of it completely) and no Facebook. I’d make sure I had a filter on the computer and I’d limit her time to 30 minutes a day. I’d check her music and book choices. I’d also monitor her choice of friends. If she has some that are actively dating, I’d make sure that she only saw them at your house with you always within ear shot. Maybe this sound draconian, but I think you have a potentially serious problem that calls for serious action. Children’s minds are sponges...they absorb the messages from everything they encounter without ever analyzing these messages. I also think it is important to replace all those things you take away. She needs special outings with her dad, special outings with you, activities in which she can discover new talents and excel, etc. I think when pre-teens and teens have too much free time, their hormones lead them into some self-absorbed, unhealthy ponderings.

Oh, and you said that your daughter decided to homeschool...if you do limit her media choices, she may initially decide that she wants to go back to PS. Be ready to dig your heels in...at twelve, that’s not her choice.

I'm praying for you to have wisdom in this area.

 

Wow! It gives me goose bumps to hear about or see young men like that. I hope my boys each mature into a godly young man like your son. You tell him he is a gem!

 

I forgot to recomment a book I just read that is geared to Middle Schoolers...

How to be your own Selfish Pig and other ways you've been brainwashed by Susan Shaeffer Macaulay. She helps students identify the messages that have been thrown at them and helps them begin to evaluate them based on the truth of Scripture.

 

Talk to her, spend a lot of time with her. Encourage her to actually LOOK at the relationships around her. How do they work? How do they fall apart?

Ask her what she wants from life in the long term. What does she want to be when she grows up? How does she plan to get there? Where does a man fit into all this? How can a man make her dreams impossible, and how can he help make them happen?

Get her looking around her right now, and get her looking ahead. If you haven't started talking about sex and relationships, now's the time to start. Fill her in on the risks and the rewards (she's not likely to listen if all you talk about is risk). Don't give her books to read - read them yourself and then share the information with her. Leave them lying casually around, but don't tell her she must read them.

Tell her your own story, how you met your husband and how you fell in love. Get your adult female friends to tell her their stories. Don't lecture her - listen to her, and keep talking! The more adult women she can spend time with, the better. She may listen to your friends, when she won't listen to you.

My husband is my best friend. I truly believe that our friendship is what makes marriage work, more even than the love we have. Lots of people love each other and can't stay together, but friends find a way to make it work and have fun at the same time. Tell her that!

I told my daughter she's allowed to be friends with boys, and I'll support her. If she has a friend who is a boy, he's welcome in our home. She tried "dating" when she was 13 (just holding hands, and a single "peck" when she thought no one was looking), and eventually came home and told me, "Boys are too much work!" She hasn't dated since, even though she tells me that she really likes some of the boys she sees. (My response is always, "Have him over for dinner!" but she blushes and refuses.) She says she's decided to wait until University. Now my 13yo son is quietly mooning after the girl who is dating his best friend. It's obvious every time he looks at her, and the way he lights up when she so much as speaks to him.

I just keep telling them, "Be friends, first!"

Twelve is young, but still too old to lock up and toss away the key. Your daughter wants respect and acknowledgement that she's becoming a woman, even as she's behaving like a silly child. Your job is to support her growth, while not forcing her into foolish rebellion. It's tough, I know!

(P.S. I can't emphasize Sex Ed strongly enough at this point - it's a life saver! Check and see if your church - or a nearby church with similar values - has a program for boys and girls.)

 

I haven't been in the situation, but it seems like the best course of action would be to pray and surround her with good adult and peer role models. 12 year olds may not listen to a parent, but if they respect adults or peers around them they are more likely to listen to them. I would also limit media. It seems like the biggest issue is her inner motivation.

Does she have a relationship with Christ? If not, that may make all the difference.

 

Exactly. If you don't want her to date, then don't let her.

 

Yep. That's what I was going to say.

 

For what it's worth...my parents were very lenient when it came to dating. My first 'boyfriend' was when I was 13. Although it wasn't serious at all, it still opened that door. I look back on it now and wish my parents would have been more strict when it came to boyfriends and dating. I would not have liked it then, but I would have thanked them as an adult.

 

a book that might help it's a picture book, but very sweet. "The princess and the kiss"

She needs to know that you acknowledge that she likes the attention,and it is flattering to have boys like you, but that she has a lot of growing and changing to do in the next 10 years.

I would also start editing TV, books and radio that she is exposed to.

 

Thanks everyone. I do limit everything. She is only allowed pg show and movies. Her computer time is limited and she can only go to certain sites. I know alot of wanting a boyfriend is because of her relationship with her dad. It's really sad and has been crazy over the past few years since our divorce. When she's over there he has no rules and she can watch and do what she wants. He's telling her she needs to be dating and finding a boyfriend. So it's a struggle for her. We have rules and values and morales and there is none over there. I'm trying to stress that she doesn't need a guy to be happy but she is not getting it. The answer will always be no on the dating. I just don't want her to think she need a boyfriend to feel good about herself. I want her to wait and love herself. I've watched how boys have hurt her and how she's lost friendships over boys. I find it crazy that having a boyfriend is so important to kids now day.

 

I'm sorry to hear all of that. Having no boundaries at one home does make it much more difficult to keep consistancy. I'm surprised that a dad would tell that to his daughter, as usually it's the dad's that are so much more protective. Have you talked to her father about the stuff he says like that to her? He needs to understand, and she as well, that at her age she isn't capable of handling those kinds of emotions. I will be praying for you and this situation. I too am often surprised at how young kids seem to be these days with starting anything, dating especially.

 

Yes, having two different people telling you opposite things doesn't help. Well, there's nothing you can do about that! She'll just have to get use to it.