Hoping you all can give me some suggestions here. For me this is a definite homeschooling question because, most of the time when I come up against it, it's because *all* my children are with me (including the ones who are school age). Adults who we encounter in the community (we are the only homeschoolers in our town) don't stop and think before they act. What happens is that I give my child(ren) instructions, and expect them to follow them. I don't always tell them to do the same thing, since they are different ages and developmental levels. Oh, and they're different people Some well-meaning adult then intervenes...and tells my children to do something in opposition to what I have said. Example: Today at the library, my 8yo was told (by me) how to spend his time while his brothers were in story time. A non-relative adult allowed (and encouraged) him to join the little kids. I missed that, but at the first opportunity, quietly whispered to him what he was supposed to be doing and he (unhappily) went off to do it. When the library adults-in-charge realized he was no longer with the group, I explained that he had long since left behind that developmental stage and was doing something else. One of the adults stopped me and said, "But he might want to do this." I had to speak very blunty and say, "But *I* already said 'No.' " I have to say, as an aside, it really gets my goat when an adult, who does NOT know my children as well as I do, who does NOT have full information about a situation, takes action (or tries to) in complete opposition to my cues I'm giving as parent...when I'm standing there. <sigh> That said...does this happen to you, and how do you handle it? Right now, I am thinking of just skipping story time. I feel badly for my 4yo, but the alternative would be to take his brothers and engage in some very mom-intensive activity to prevent any other adults from intervening. OTOH, we can always go to the library other days of the week...
my oldest is the only one of my kids who did story time at the library. Mostly because now we have a trail of other littles who would have a problem being still for the middles to have a story time. I have never had this problem. Can you teach your kids to respond to the adult "thank you for offering but my mom told me to do x and I need to obey her."
I run into this a lot, although it hasn't been about homeschooling with my kids, really. I just expect my kids to have some manners, and other adults are willing to give them leeway I'm not. For example: yesterday while shopping with my dd. She got to pick out a toy. There was a woman already in the aisle, and I cautioned my dd not to get in her way while she was shopping. The woman gave me an odd smile, and said, "she's not". Little did I know.. the woman had parked herself smack dab in the center, and hadn't planned on moving, so my dd had to go around her to look at ANYTHING.. which in my opinion was that woman's bad manners. Be that as it may, I expect my daughter to respect other people's space regardless. I've run into this while waiting in line as well (since nothing bothers me more than the teenager behind me breathing on the back of my neck). I caution my kids to give the shopper in front of us space, and the shopper inevitably says, "He/she is fine." I smile back, and continue to keep my kids at a comfortable distance. In my opinion, your best bet would be to explain to your ds that your rules go, regardless. If another adult suggests something else to him, he needs to tell them sorry, he has to do xyz because that's what his mom told him to do. Or, he could just stay silent, but keep doing as you said (that's what my kids usually do). Or even have him tell them they need to talk to you about it first. I don't generally see it as interfering as much as other adults thinking all kids are angels, and they should let them do whatever and have whatever they want. They don't realize that we have our set of rules for our kids, and we expect them to be followed for a REASON. Even my ds's ps treats the kids like they are all pre-schoolers, and you would think they had never heard a child lie, or hit, or act rebellious AT ALL. I think my kids are adorable, too, but I expect them to mind!
I would guess that the adult was trying to be well-meaning. They see a kid by himself, and, as long as he's behaving, feel it's OK for him to join. I know I've been in situations where it's OK, but I will usually speak to the mom if at all possible. "It's OK for him to join if you want." And if Mom responds with "He needs to do XYZ.", I say something like, "OK! It's up to you!" I think you need to teach your child to very politely say, "Thank you, but I've got to get this work done first." As far as going each week, I'm guessing that the adults in charge will soon learn that your child is doing work, and shouldn't be disturbed. You may have the issue for another week or two, but it will probably settle down after that.
As far as the "(s)he's fine" and the like-I say that in the store to strangers about their kids, it's not about trying to undermine the parent, so much as my way of letting the parent know "Hey-I don't think you're a bad parent cause your kid didn't say excuse me (or whatever the situation may be)" I never thought it might be interrupted any differently....:shock: (I'm in my own little mind/world way too much! LOL)
Yes - I agree the adults were well meaning. I need to work a little more on coaching the kids on what to say in these situations. As far as the library, I think we're going to skip story time for the next few weeks, and then I'll decide if we will go back during that time or just other times during the week. I've also decided that, if it comes up with someone there, I'm just going to ask if this was a preK "class" there, and a third grader arrived at the library with an assignment, would someone tell the 3rd grader to join the preKers instead of focusing on his assignment? That's pretty much exactly what happened. Sonita - I so know what you're saying, and got my paradigm shifted when I became a parent. I have a dear friend who, when I would redirect a child, would say, "It's okay" or "He's okay." I had to stop and point out to her that everytime she said that, he heard me "correct' him and then he heard her say that what he was doing before being corrected was "okay." Even though that's not really what she meant, that's how he interpreted it. So when I'm in that other spot, I always try to think of a way to say the same thing without appearing to conflict with what the parent said...sometimes it's tricky.
You know you spend too much time at the Spot when you begin to DREAM about it!!! LOL! Last night I was dreaming that I was in a room at the Library or somewhere when this ultra-conservative family came in. They had a little girl who smiled shyly up at one of my kids and asked their name. And Mom got all after her about it, even to standing her in the corner! And I spoke up and said, "It's OK, she was just trying to be friendly!" And as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I thought of this thread, even though I was dreaming!
So I feel differently about this... I think you should let him join. Unless you have a good reason for him to not join in, then I would let him participate. I believe in not saying "no" when you can say "yes." My 6 year old still participates in story time (the oldest kids there are usually 4) and her 3 and 2 year old siblings hardly stay there with her. But if you really want him to do something else I would teach him to say no thank you.
I am with Plageville in this. Why say no when it can easily become a yes. However I do understand what you are saying in regards to others changing your parental instructions. It can at times be downright irritating. If it truly is not what you want, then coaching your child so they know how to handle the situation acceptably would likely do the trick. Sometimes kids know that they are supposed do as their parents have asked but, have a really difficult time telling adults no. It is good for them to learn that saying no nicely is ok too
I'm sorry if I made it sound like I didn't have a good reason. FWIW, I told him not to participate. At this stage of his life, "because I said" so should be enough. However, I also did explain to him not only what but why. I told him multiple times, the last time was immediately before we entered the building. This was a recap of previous conversations. When I saw him with the group of preschoolers anyway, I got his attention during a transition -- quietly and without making a fuss -- and redirected him to what I told him to do. I saw no point in making a big deal out of it for anyone (us or anyone else). As I said, I believe that part of the issue is that these adults aren't accustomed to seeing (homeschooled) children during the day, and it didn't occur to them that my son might have been engaged in his reading because I told him to...even after I redirected him to it. After my DH & I discussed it last night (he is familiar with the adults involved), I had a chat and did some role playing (practicing saying no politely/respectfully, but firmly) with my oldest today. I'm sure we'll need to work on this for a while, but I feel better about our direction now. Thank you for your input.
Role playing was probably a good idea! Especially if you do it again right before going to the library again. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him that he's older, and needs to do his work first. He should be able to do that independently without interference from other adults. And if there's a problem, he knows where to get you.
I actually appreciate it when they say that because it means I've stopped my children BEFORE they've become irritating LOL! So I don't think it's a bad thing at all. And I guess I would much rather have the other adult tell ME that it's fine than have them tell my child.. which would be a complete no-no. It's hard to explain on the spot sometimes, too. "I know, Mr Stranger, but I don't want them to become that adult who bumps the back of your legs with the cart!" just doesn't roll off my tongue easily enough. Maybe I need practice!
oh I had that happen alot. I really don't think the adults mean any harm. they just see the other one sitting out usually watching what is going on and then invite them over to so they don't feel left out. If it really bothers you then you need to teach your son to say no. Does your son keep watching like he wants to join? Maybe put him in another area like around the corner or farther away from the group. I know I will get lots of tomatoes thrown at me, but I really see no harm done with it. I see it as someone being nice and feeling sorry for the little one at the table watching the others have fun.
I was at the store one time, with my kids, in line and I kept getting bumped into from the rear. First time I figured it was an accident, the elderly lady doing it probably didn't realize it. Second time I figured she was just being careless and I would just ignore her and not make a big deal. Third time I kind of turned around, and found the lady my aunt had lived with while I was growing up!
I hate to reiterate this but you did not seem to get my point. BTW you do not have to agree, and you may have good reasons and what not. BUT my point was that you do NOT say so "just because I said so." Kids hear NO too much and so I believe in saying yes as often as possible. Like if I am not in the mood to play a game and want to say no I stop, then realize I have no good reason to say no. Then say yes and play. Everyone is better off for it. Again you may have good reasons for him to be doing other work, but keep in mind that childhood is short.
Not at all. He generally takes off to occupy himself with something completely different. In fact, times when I have been the volunteer leading story time, I have invited him to stay (thinking it may be a topic or activity in which he might be interested), but he told me he would rather do something else.
I do disagree. There will always be times when "just because I said so" will be the reason. Kids need to learn to trust their parents and OBEY, regardless. It is not up to them to evaluate their parents' reasons. That tells them that if they (child) doesn't feel the reasons are good enough, they can disobey. Not saying that parents should never tell why; I think telling the children why is very beneficial. But neither should a child EXPECT to hear why every single time.
I'm with you, Jackie! As it is in this case, eyeofthestorm DID have a good reason AND told him why, but even if she didn't tell him why, the fact that she "said so" should have been reason enough.
I agree with Jackie. There are times when I need my children to obey instantly without questioning so there are times when I do not explain to them why I said something. I try to tell them why most of the time but I do purposely tell them no and give no reason on occassion so that they know that they don't HAVE to have a reason to obey.
