You all might know my Kevin is 18. He still lives home and can stay here forever if he wants- as long as he follows the rules. My rules for him are- no swearing no raunchy t.v. no raunchy music no raunchy pictures/posters on his walls help around the house, for which he gets paid( remember, he just got over surgery so he can't get a job yet.) My husband says I'm too strict. His speech is ' The boy is 18! He'll want to watch certain things and see certain things. You're wrong to opress him like you do.' My theory is, if you live here you can't deal in that stuff. He had some girlie posters that weren't hard core, but they showed more than I thought was acceptable, so I took them down. He has other swimsuit posters that aren't offensive at all that I left up. You'd have thought I tookm vital organs! I've taken his t.v. for watching programs I didn't appreciate. Same response. I think I'm responsible for doing all I can to raise him in a Godly way. I won't budge here. For those of you with older teens at home, how do you handle these things, especially if hubby is on the child's side? As a side note- I asked my husband what about when Jeannie is a teenager and has rank pictures of guys on her walls? My husband says 'Well, THAT'S different! That's Jeannie!'
My Christian is only 13 but some of your "rules" apply here too (I started young with him before he has a chance to control or manipulate me any more). * if any one of the boys are caught swearing - DISH SOAP. It sounds mean, but they don't like it so it seems to work (or they're getting good at saying it under their breath). * We have a major problem with tattle tailing (my 13 year old included :x Drives me nuts some days. As for your home (please don't be offended)... * You pay the bills, the mortgage is in your name, you supply the food on the table, etc. He (Kevin) should be required to follow the rules of the house (if it were my family - and I have said this "If you don't like the rules, move" - mean mommy that I am ) I'm not sure that paying an 18 year old to do house chores is what I would do - house work is a part of life - it has to be done - you don't get paid to do it, why should he? (I'd be rich if I did). Our boys know that they have certain chores that are required of them to do - everyday no matter what. They don't get paid to do them (but they don't get their allowance if they don't do them). If they go above and beyond and do "extra" things without being asked to do so then they do get extra money (things like piling wood, raking leaves - which they think as being a fun thing to do, etc). * When Christian had the satelite hooked up his room we had the parental control thing set up on it (he couldn't watch anything that was rated a certain way, had anything to do with sex, violence or profanity). I was the one who set that one up and I had a passord that even my husband wouldn't have known (because he wouldn't have neccessarily supported me on that one so then by choosing a password that he didn't know, he couldn't go in and change it one me :lol: ) No big secret, my husband and I are at two different levels in our Spiritual walk (some days he's serious about it, while other days he does not reflect a Christian at all) and so that does cause some friction around here (to a point somedays I have a battle on my hands to get the boys to go to Church with me or anything that has to do with God :x Anyway, things that are acceptable to my husband are that way because he isn't walking on firm ground. Rather than fight it out in front of the boys, we go behond closed doors and "debate" it out. When your husband says it's different for Jeannie (do I detect a bit of a sexist remark?), you need to sit down with him and find out why and what makes it different (yes she is a girl and could come home and say "Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant" but just the same Kevin could come home some day and say "Mom, Dad, I got *Sally* pregnant" - he's just a s vulnerable as Jeannie is (more so because of his age and the peer pressure that goes with it). You all need to come to a comprimise that will work for all of you (although, like you said I wouldn't be willing to bend and comprimise your faith either in doing so). Sorry for being so opinionated but I do hope that it at least encourages you . You're not the only one facing these battles and it will get better (I'm not sure when though). Brenda
Been there, done that!!! When I got married, my DH had full custody of his two boys, ages 9 and 11 at the time. The youngest moved out during his senior year because he was 18, and didn't like the rules. (He knew he's lose "his" car because of bad grades, so "God told me that I couldn't grow spiritually as long as I'm living here". Ever hear such complete BS in your life?) The oldest also had trouble with rules. Some I thought were a little strict, such as an 11 curfew when he was out with his girlfirend, and she lived an hour away. I discussed this with DH, and he felt strongly about it, so I let it rest. I believe this "But he's 18!!!" business is crap. He is still living in your house, and you need to set some standards. You are not forcing him to stay. Heck, DH even knows there are certain programs (or computer games that he's not "permitted" to watch/play in this house!) So hang tough. The problem is doing that without being nagging to your DH. That's a very hard line to walk (believe me, I KNOW!)
I agree, if he was paying all the bills, he would have more say. But that isn't the case, so you need to hold steady on your rules. It is NOT his house to do as he pleases. He's really getting it easy right now. I understand giving him a home and food while he can't really work, but paying him for household chores, unless they're out of the ordinary/extra ones is going the extra mile. He doesn't seem to appreciate your generousness, so maybe you should cut it off??? IMHO, he doesn't have a right to run his life how he pleases, even at 18, if he is at home living free, and not contributing anything to it. He is not showing you the respect you deserve! If he doesn't like it, and doesn't follow the rules, he should be given notice (for example) that he has 2 weeks to find another place to live. ANY PLACE he goes has rules he needs to abide by, and if they're not followed, there will be negative results on him! If he and your dh think you're hard on him, just wait until he's in the "real world" and has to follow bosses orders, pay his own rent and food, etc. It aint easy! So, if you look at the whole picture, you're actually being rather easy on him! 8)
This wouldn't be so trying if my husband backed me up. Here's a good example- last Sat. afternoon they were flipping channels and some movie was on where a guy was getting beaten by a bunch of guys using whatever was handy. Bloody and evil looking. I groused and they turned it but not before my husband sighed and Kevin gave his 2 cents. They are such peas in a pod. And believe me, girls I have no trouble pulling both of them up! With regard to paying Kevin, I don't mind that at all, as long as everything is done the way I want it. The house gets done, he has some money. I think it's fine. Allowance is what I don't get. Even the littlest ones should learn to earn what they get. I certainly wouldn't hand Kevin money just for the heck of it.
I didn't get allowance either Becky. But after thinking and talking about it, my dh and I decided to give our kids allowance, and this is what we worked out: They would get paid the same amount of dollars as their age once a month. That's not a whole lot! Many of their friends get that much or more per week. We can't afford that, for one thing! My kids DO work for it. They have chores that need to be faithfully done, and done well. They are students (that's part of their "job" at this age), and they need to get their schoolwork done, their music practiced, and things placed back where they belong. I'm not overly strict with that, it's the principle of the matter that counts. They need to work as part of the famiuly, not their own entity. The money they do get goes through a system, and they get what's left, which sometimes isn't very much, but they don't need that much at young ages anyway. They pay tithe (10%) and offerings (their choice of amount), and put half of the total in savings. As I said, the rest is theirs. Our idea was to work together as a family, do the work without complaining, learn to save and tithe, etc. I think it's worked very well, and isn't a HUGE amount out of our pocket for some great lessons learned!
Deena- if your kids form a union, you're in trouble!!! Oh, yeah, Lorna. The men look at the male children with a looser eye than they do the girls. My brother in law is a real pig. No respect for women at all. When his 15 year old sister was watching a movie with her boyfriend in their grandma's basement he went down there and threw a fit. Nothing at all was going on, but he didn't want to take any chances where his sister was concerned. He should be more concerned with his own attitudes!
Why Becky, cuz they're underpaid?! That's okay, we still do buy all their clothes and food. I know that some people give higher allowances, but the kids have to buy their own clothes and other things. So they're making out okay!
allowance What I told my kids was that they could have allowance but it would have to cover extra activities but if no allowance that Daddy and I would pay for the activities I choose to be involved in. Like skating, movies, etc.
