Need a little advise here. We recently moved in with my mom and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a control freak. He literally thinks that he has to control every aspect of everyone’s life. This has lead to many arguments between him and I but I decided not to argue with him anymore because it stresses my mother out. He has a huge problem with Homeschooling and I hear about it everyday. Now he’s starting up on my youngest son because he feels that he should be more manly. He keeps comparing my oldest with my youngest. My oldest is very earthy and athletic where as my youngest is very conservative. He hates outside, bugs sweating, heat, sports. He loves computers, reading and games. He has adult mannerisms and talks like a little professor. He crosses his foot over his knee and reads the paper like he’s some old man, but he is also a very young 10 and he just can‘t do the things his older brother does. He whines, tattles and at times just acts like a baby. Of course they are blaming this on home school. The other day my moms friend all but cussed out my youngest because he couldn’t use the heavy vacuum cleaner to vacuum the steps. He even makes comments that he is a little girl because he has no upper arm strength and he speaks in a proper tone. I will say that her friend was raised in the country and was yelled at and beat for the smallest thing on a regular bases. I just don’t raise my kids this way because I don’t feel it’s necessary. I have only spanked my kids once each in their entire life. I made a comment about the way he talks to my son and an argument started. I am trying to explain to him the both of the kids are different. They will never be alike and these are my children. My poor son always looks sad because he feels he is always being yelled at.I have another 6 months before i can move. I really don’t know how to handle this without a huge blowout.
I would think the best way to start would be a talk with mom maybe??? I think that's what I'd do anyway. See if she will talk to her BF, then maybe all adults could sit and talk together afterwards....lay out some rules-write them down if you have to. OF course, this may mean you'd have to follow some of his rules too.... I'm sorry I have no more advice than that. But ti's not a situation I've ever really been in, so I can't say for sure what I would do.....
Is your mom totally bought into the BF's attitudes? Does she support him, follow his lead with the homeschool-bashing (and grandson bashing?)? Or does she not like it but keep quiet so as not to incur his wrath upon her? Refuse to argue with him. Don't raise your voice, as tempting as that might be. Speak calmly and rationally, when you have to speak at all. Advise him about certain things being your choice/under your control and certain things not being your choice or under your control. These are just suggestions; you'll have to make your own list: The personalities of your children - NOT because of your choices NOR under your control. They are as their Creator made them, and will not be other; it's not BF's choice nor under his control. Living with mom - I'm guessing NOT your choice (except under financial duress?) but as soon as it comes under your control, you'll be outta there. He will have to learn to tolerate you as you have to learn to tolerate him. Him being in the house with you and your children - NOT your choice nor under your control. That was your mom's choice. Homeschooling - both your choice and under your control. He does not get to choose for you, just like you didn't choose him for your mom. I'm not anticipating total peace at all, but you have my prayers and wishes for a mutual cease-fire.
OMG. I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Granted everyone is entitled to have an opinion on the subject of homeschooling, but it shouldn't go any further than that. No one should make you or your children feel bad about your choice. I agree with talking with your mom for starters. I will add you to my prayer list.
Is there any way you can move out? This would be the best solution. If not, then I'd sit down with your mom and her friend and have it out once and for all - albeit in a calm and dispassionate manner. You are the children's mother. You make all the decisions related to them. It's your choice to homeschool, and they're not to question it. Your boys are different, and you respect their personalities, and they are not to question or criticize your approach or to criticize them in general. If the two of them are not willing to agree to this, then you'll have to decide jointly with your mom what is best - but only if you know you have other options. It's a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you are facing it.
<HUGS> I'm sorry that you have to live like this. Sitting down with all the 'adults' in the home is probably the best approach. If moving out on your own were an option, I would have suggested that first but you inidcate that it isn't a possibility right now. At the very least, sitting down with your mom might be a good start. She needs to know how you feel about it - maybe her word might have some strength where yours might not (?) Sadly, I'm a writer. When I know that what I need to say is really intense and likely to start an argument, I tend to put it in writing (so that I've had time to think through everything I want to say, read it, edit it and then pass it to who ever the 'lucky' recipient is). I don't like confrontation at all and I've made it clear in any letter I've ever written that I'm not prepared to argue and will willingly talk about the issues in a mature manner but as soon as it progresses to something undesirable... I'm out. You are the mother of those children. If you choose to homeschool them, it isn't anyone else's business to interfere with that choice. It would be nice if they would suport your decision but lack of education and knowledge of homeschooling tends to be a block in so many cases. I really wish there was more I could say or do for you
I think talking would be wonderful but unfortunately having lived around many controlling people in my own life, I know the ideal thing of talking as adults isn't always possible. If you truly can't talk it out, then remind your sons in a loving manner that 'this too shall pass.' And in six months make a break as fast as you can. I am really sorry you have to go through that.
Thanks everyone, My mom stands up for my son and she has told her friend to stop several times. We have had the please don't say that to him talk like 4 times and it has turned into an argument. It stops for awhile and then it starts up again. He’s big on saying this is my house. But it really isn’t. It’s my moms house! And I buy all the food. He yells out he needs to be in school and I am looking at him thinking what’s that got to do with anything. He is much better now then he was in school. Up until we moved here, he was a happy little boy. Her friend is just loud and nasty. I tell my son every day we only have 6 more months. I just don’t believe in yelling, talking loud and insults to get your point across, but it’s not only that its the tone that comes along with it. When I’m here the worst in me and my kids come out. We are pretty easy going but I have a very quick temper that I had managed to tame up until now. So there’s a lot of bickering going on here. I just feel I have to because my son is a child and he knows not to back talk. The good news is me and DH went on a date tonight and his father said that he will help us find a place and pay a third of the rent until DH is in a better position. There are a lot of nice houses by the beach where his parents live. Hopefully, they will go out and find us one ASAP because he is having issues with his folks as well. It looks like moving is the only solution at this point.
It sounds as if this is a situation that you can't fix, or walk away from. I would do damage control. Get a calendar and mark the move out date brightly. Then number from that day to the present day in each square. Sit down with the kiddos and let them know you are aware, don't like, or agree with what is happening. Then show them the calendar with the date. Tell them each night at bedtime you will all mark off the day on the calendar. This will be a countdown of the days you have left. It might seem like a lot to them at first, but point out time will move faster as you go on. Discuss how you will not let his bad outlook change who each of you are. Agree to spend every (5th, 6th, 7th) day doing something just for you and them. Whatever timeline works for your schedule. Just be sure to keep it close together. Time moves so much slower for children, and things seem so much larger and out of their control. Hopefully this will show them there will be an end in sight. And that you are a family team. I hope this helped.
Sounds like you have a solution! YAY!! I was going to say.. run. Now. Pack up your kiddos and find somewhere else to live, no matter how humble. Some scars don't go away, even when we know the people who said them were jerks. Your ds absolutely doesn't need that sort of belittling. There are men out there (and probably women, too) who think it 'helps'. You know.. the people who tell overweght partners they are fat and need to diet because they think it 'motivates' them. It doesn't... and imho it is total abuse. Anyway.. all that is moot now. So get your bags packed. Put your kids in the car, and say some lovely 4 letter words to the man who thinks he gets to boss around kids that aren't his. Let the war ensue. :evil:
If nothing else, you could try informing this insecure bully that verbal and emotional abuse of a child is actually illegal and he could be removed from the home if he continues. Because imo, this is abuse. If this were my kids, I'm afraid my first instinct would be to tamper with his dinner in a chemical way, if you know what I mean! Sorry, but I haven't learned to tame MY temper very well yet.
Right on Leissa! My temper too would rule on this one. NO FREAKING WAY would some loud mouth run his trap about my kids! It IS emotional abuse that he is doing to your son. I'd loudly let him know it ISN"T his house in fact it is your mom's and HE doesnt get to tell YOU how to raise YOUR child. My claws are coming out and this isn't even my kid! lol! Sorry! Temper, temper, temper! I feel for you I really really do and I hope you guys can get outta there soon.
Sorry you all have to go through this. I hope you find a way out soon. What is the house like is there a basement you all are living in? Or is a one story house. I am sure you all have your own bedrooms if it was me I would spend as much time as I can in there and when he is home take the kiddos to the park or where ever. I don't think your mom will kick him out so you have to stand up for the kids. But, if it was me I would be in our rooms away from him its not good for the kids. But, I would get tired of fighting and letting my kids see this I would just spend as much time as you can in your rooms.
