Potty training + "I don't want to!"

I've always been an advocate of letting potty training happen without a lot of pressure or negatives. My oldest took forever to potty training, but only because I was clueless. He was ready but I missed it. As a result he was about 3 1/2.

My second son was using the potty with no accidents by the time he was nearly 3.

My third son, however, is proving to be a different kind of challenge. He flat out does not want to use the potty. It's a choice on his part. His 4th birthday is in less than 2 weeks!!!!

When I ask him why he won't use the potty, he says that he does not want to be a big boy. We make sure that the older two boys get to do "big boy" things that Xander has to sit out (if you don't want to be a big boy, you don't get to do big boy things). He gets mad, of course, but not enough to spur him to change his mind.

So when I suggested he go sit on the potty when he got up this morning, he threw a huge tantrum. I've never seen him throw a fit like that.

I know a lot of it has to do with knowing a baby was coming and now having a new baby in the house, but I seriously can't deal with a 4 yo in diapers. This is getting just plain stupid. I won't even be able to take him to church anymore because the 4yo teachers won't change diapers and he almost always poops while we're there. I tried to explain that and, while he insists he wants to go to church, the logic is lost on him.

So at this point it's not just about potty learning. It's defiance. But I'm afraid if I push him that it will create lots of other problems.

We have tried incetives but he doesn't want them as much as he wants to be a baby. We've tried every positive that we can think of, but he still refuses.

Any suggestions?

 

I wish I had some answers for you, sweetie. My dd is going through something like this with her 3yo dd. She just about had her potty trained (poster and sticker and prize for success, etc.), and then the little darling decided that she didn't WANT to use the potty, didn't matter what Elmo or Cookie Monster had to say on the subject. Just flat refused! And there's no new baby at their house. >sigh< Just don't know, hon.......

 

My second one went through a little of that when we brought the third one home. What she really wanted was the one on one that she got while I was changing her diaper. I found that I really was shorting her of attention because every time the new baby made a peep, I would drop whatever I was doing with the second child and go get the baby. One thing that helped was that I would say something out loud to the baby when she started to fuss like "I hear you baby, I will be there as soon as I finish reading this book (putting on shoes, making toast, etc) to your sister. Then, I would quickly wrap up whatever it was and go get the baby. It didn't do anything for the baby, but it sure helped the older one to know that she was important too and an extra 30 seconds or so of fussing didn't hurt her at all. In fact, the third was the easiest of the four. I think partly because I didn't react to her every peep.
Maybe start at bath time with your son. Have him pick a book for you to read to him while he sits on the potty before getting in the tub. I wouldn't give a special reward for doing it, just your undivided attention. If that works, then add in another time during the day (before or after breakfast maybe) and go from there.

 

My second one went through a little of that when we brought the third one home. What she really wanted was the one on one that she got while I was changing her diaper. I found that I really was shorting her of attention because every time the new baby made a peep, I would drop whatever I was doing with the second child and go get the baby. One thing that helped was that I would say something out loud to the baby when she started to fuss like "I hear you baby, I will be there as soon as I finish reading this book (putting on shoes, making toast, etc) to your sister. Then, I would quickly wrap up whatever it was and go get the baby. It didn't do anything for the baby, but it sure helped the older one to know that she was important too and an extra 30 seconds or so of fussing didn't hurt her at all. In fact, the third was the easiest of the four. I think partly because I didn't react to her every peep.
Maybe start at bath time with your son. Have him pick a book for you to read to him while he sits on the potty before getting in the tub. I wouldn't give a special reward for doing it, just your undivided attention. If that works, then add in another time during the day (before or after breakfast maybe) and go from there.

 

Have him run around the house bare-bottomed (if that's possible; I can imagine it might not be feasible if it's cold where you're at!!!). No, he WON'T pee all over your house!!! I finally broke down and took friends' advice to do this to my stubborn Faythe, and she was trained within 48 hours, never having an accident (!!!). I dressed her in her older sister's t-shirt, which came to around her knees, and nothing else. My friend (one of the ones who suggested this) says she always waits until the summer closest to their 2nd birthday, and let them run outside all summer bare-bottomed. (Amusing side: One of her twins, who will be 11 this March, was at the pool during the summer she was doing this with him. He just pulled down his swim trunks and started peeing in the pool once while his mom was attending to a sibling. When the lifeguard saw and tried to say something, her little darling turned to the guard and accidently "sprayed" him!!! My friend was SO mortified, lol!!!)

Also, I think you need to consider also Tiffharmon's suggestion that it's an attention thing. I knew a woman who had a son like yours. He had been 95% trained, until she brought home the baby, and then regressed. She eventually decided to stop fighting him. She would ask each morning, "Are you going to be a big boy and wear underwear today, or do you want to be a baby and wear a diaper?" Whatever he decided, she went with.

 

I started training dd when she turned 2. Within weeks she was completely trained, no accidents, even overnight. Ds took forever. He had the ability, knew when he needed to go, etc. He didn't WANT to do it. He was very stubborn about it. He was 5 before I could keep him in underwear all day without accidents. We tried letting him run around naked, and he did pee all over the house. He was adament about not using the toilet. We had to just let him do it in his own time. As far as he was concerned, he had more important things to do with his time.
I can't offer any suggestions other than to let him take his time. At least you aren't alone on this problem, though.

 

You might see if you can find the DVD called Potty Power. I got it to help train my two, and they loved all the songs about potty training and the whole "Potty Power!" slogan. It might help your child WANT to go.

 

I haven't read all the posts and I what I did with my first is a bit extreme. However, it is what my first one needed.

I KNEW KNEW KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she knew how to use the potty, she knew when to use the potty -she just did not want to do it because she wanted to be in control. I made sure that it was a defiance issue before I did this!

We had set potty times and she was not allowed off the potty until she went. If we had dinner or friends over, she missed out and couldn't participate until she went potty. The first time she spent over 3 hrs on the potty refusing to go. (And I knew she had to go because she hadn't gone in several hours and I had her drink a BIG glass of water about 30 mins beforehand!) We had a few more times like that and she stopped fighting me on peeing.

She then decided to fight me on the pooping issue. Again, I did not do this until I was absolutely sure that it was a defiance issue and not something else. I also tried other tactics for awhile before I went to this extreme. If she chose to poop in her pants, I washed her off in the shower using the coldest water I could get. After 2 times of that, we have never had another issue on the potty again.

Again, I know these are extreme measures but she was pushing us to see how far she could go and she wanted us to "lay down the law". We tried other things first and we made sure we knew it was defiance issue before we did them. She is a very head-strong little girl!

 

I like washing her off with cold water! I think that's a creative way of dealing with it!

 

You didn't have to hear the screaming! I thought for sure a neighbor was going to come knocking to make sure she was ok!

 

And her mean ol' momma just IGNORED the poor child's cries! Good for Momma!

 

LOL! Thank you!

 

Day 2 of total nakedness and he hasn't made a single attempt. He has peed and pooped all over the house. He actually sat on the couch, pooped, and just continued to sit in it. It didn't phase him in the least. And when I asked him why he pooped on the couch and not the potty, he looked down and seemed genuinely surprised that he was sitting in a pile of poop.

But surely not. Right? I mean, he's days away from being 4. He HAS to realize when he goes. Right?

 

? question (please don't take this wrong) Have you tried spanking him, for peeping and pooping on your floors and couch.

I had a friend with little boy that same way, only he just would not poop on the toliet. she made him sit there until he did and if he got up he would get a pop on the bottom and then put back on the toliet.... after a week or so he got the picture that she would not put up with it...

maybe tell him that you are not going to buy him anymore diapers.....

 

I guess I just don't know if I should punish him or not. EVERYTHING I've ever read about potty training says over and over not to punish them for going in their pants/on the floor/not in the potty.

The problem with making him sit there until he goes is that he usually poops 3 or more times a day. I could make him sit there when he first wakes up, but then he'd still go a few more times throughout the day.

My other question, for those that 'make them sit,' is this: how do you deal with them losing circulation in their legs from sitting there so long? I tried to do that earlier, but after about 15 minutes his legs were ice cold and turning funny colors and he was in obvious pain.

I already told him I'm not buying any more diapers. I usually use cloth but he outgrew the biggest ones I have months ago. I bought some overnight pull ups (he's never dry when he wakes up) to use for the first couple of weeks, but I refuse to put them on him during the day.

 

I think that once potty training becomes an issue of outright defiance then it's time to start "punishing" the child for not using the potty. If the child is able to use the potty but is using it against his parents then it's a behavior issue not a potty issue.

I went through a period similar with my son who was completely potty trained and all of a sudden he started to poop in his pants all the time I started making him clean out his pants, help clean the floor, and I'd wash him off with cold wash cloths.

It stopped within two weeks!

 

I agree with Birbitt. If it is a defiance issue, there should certainly be consequences. I think I'd make him clean his own messes versus spanking, because it will be directly related (though I'd probably clean the ones on furniture to make sure it didn't become a bigger mess ).

Consistancy will really be key, too. Once I started to potty-training process, diapers were gone and they only wore underwear. If we left the house, I put rubber pants on over them. I also rewarded mine when they went, with one M&M for potty ond 2 for poops. You could use anything your ds likes and that would be a treat for him.

 

You have ALOT of patience. How about putting something in the toilet that he has to pee at. I've heard of them before but don't know where you buy them. We also made our ds clean out his own underwear when he was training because he would refuse to wipe. His underwear would be brown, so we made hime clean them and after a couple times he was wiping.

 

If it is a defiance issue, then punishment is in order. At the age of 4 and listening to you talk, it sounds like that is what it is. The "experts" are not always right!

 

Big ol' ditto coming from me!!!

I heard a joke one time (can't remember the whole thing) about a father who ended up taking his son outside to spray him off with the cold water hose. LOL!! Who knows... maybe it was based on a true story.