Ladies I need prayer, my relationship with my husband is horrible. I can't stand it anymore. Ugh....let me try to explain this. I am not very good at this. Lets give an example......My mother helped my purchase motorcycles last week for the kids. When we went to go pick them up he in was is a miserable mood. Which is usually the case. We are to be dressed right and on our best behavior. He is so rigid and inflexable. Side step here for a minute. In June we are going to Florida and have all sorts of things scheduled. So we are trying to save some money for that, I understand. Now that we have the motorcycles we can't ride them. (He loves them, thats not it) He doesn't have one he says it not right for them to ride on the state trails without him having one. So the kids can't ride. Now we have to cancel part of our trip (swimming with dolphins) because he has to build a new shed to store the motorcycles or my car can stay outside for the winter. I was so depressed today I didn't even go to church. I didn't want to smile at anyone. He says its me. Okay fine but I don't know how to please him something is always wrong. Its always pointed out and the sarcasm is outragious. Now, understand I know this isn't about the motorcycles. But, it is the pattern of our home. Now, when he call me tomorrow from work and ask if I am done being itchy. Then he will get nice and friendly. I hate it. What do I do and how do I handle this??
Do you mind if I chip in as well? Forgive me if the questions are rather direct. 1) For a major purchase such as motorcycles for the children, did you both discuss it ahead of time? Did your husband honestly have the opportunity to object without it causing your mother to be upset? Maybe he could foresee the problems in advance but found the purchase was something of a fait accompli. 2) I can understand your husband's point about safety. In particular, I wouldn't let my children ride by themselves on trails without me being there - not until they were at least 16. Did you discuss the safety issue with him in advance? Wouldn't you rather than he err on the side of caution when it comes to children's safety? Motorcycles are the cause of many accidents: What if something happened to one of your children while riding on a trail? 3) Did you discuss in advance the issue of where to store the bikes? Making a big purchase isn't just about the main item. Your husband's right that you need somewhere safe and appropriate to keep them. It's worth giving up something on vacation if that's the cost. It's not as if you're giving up your entire vacation. Personally, I'd suggest a heart-to-heart with your husband on each of these points. I can see where he's coming from, and I don't believe he's being unreasonable. And, for one final frank comment (sorry!), church attendance should not depend on our personal feel-good factor. I hope you take these comments in the constructive spirit in which I mean them.
Hey, Steve, you know I love you with the love of Christ, right? Good....just want to say, while you may have a good perspective on the issues of conflict, I want to say on her behalf that women process our emotions differently. We can't necessarily compartmentalize them when at church. I don't believe it would have mattered where she was going. Opting to stay home when in an exhausting emotional condition is often wisdom when the alternative is public displays of tears, stress, etc. (((hugs and prayers)))....hope it was ok to step in. Tell me to shut up if not!
Which may be why Cherry asked for the opinions of ladies and not gents! A man's perspective is different, and maybe I'm out of line writing what I did. Still, in itself, maybe this episode reveals how important it is to understand that the perspectives of men and women are different. That may be an issue here. Sorry, Cherry, if I came across sounding unduly harsh and uncaring.
I am having the problem your hubby saying that the kids cant ride cause he doesnt have one.... excuse me!... is he a 10 year old. Come on... we parents should be giving our kids things and we do without. I am praying for you... it sounds like he is childish..... My sister in law is going thru something similar... just know that we are keeping you in our prayers.
I'm going to have to agree with Steve. *ducking tomatoes* I think those are valid questions that you should ask yourself whether you share your answers publicly or not. No matter what, you need to find a GOOD time to have a long discussion. A GOOD time is a time when there are no kids, TV, hunger, thirst, or fatigue in the equation. Easier said than done, I know. Also, when I'm feeling down... especially in my marriage... the only thing that lifts me back up is spending time with my church family. Putting God's will ahead of our own is always the right answer. No matter what the problem. Always. Sunday is the Lord's day. Not mine.
We had been trying to save for motorcycles forever. It was truly a blessing and he knew about it completely. He even told my mother the brand he would like to have. Never once did he say they couldn't ride until he gets one. Its not the motorcycles its that fact that he takes the joy out of everything! One step forward and two back if you know what I mean. Its just everything. Another example he went food shopping with me for the first time in years. After we shopped and checked out I went to open a can of almonds and he said NO don't do that. I just looked at him and said no. We are not allowed to eat anything we purchase until we are home. of course, another thing to tick him off. I don't know maybe I am selfish but I was hungry. He will sit for hours on his computer and play games and no one else can get on and he will not engage with the kids or me. Its fine I have lived this way for ever. But, I am so sick of being a single mom because he says he would just rather be home. I usually never skip church but I was so upset I didn't have the strength to pull myself out. Its a new church we started going to and I don't have any friends yet. It just seemed overwhelming to me.
I think you've gotten some good advice here. One thing I would add is spend smne significant time in prayer and in the Word. Ask God to reveal any areas that you need to work on and where you may be sinning in your communication and relationship with DH. And pray for DH that God would give him compassion and empathy. That you would be able to discuss these issues with open and loving communication. I know personally, I tend to get defensive at the drop of a hat. I have to really stop and listen and often tell DH I need some time to think and pray about what he said. once I am less emotional and I can think more logically I find that what he's said makes sense and I can then approach him humbly and say yes I agree this needs to change or be done or whatever, how do you suggest we do that. And if I'm not convinced of his opinion then I can honestly say I've really thought and prayed about this and I'm just not convinced its the right thing to do but if you really feel it's necessary and you've sought God and believe it's his will, than I will submit to your decision. It's an honoring response that also reminds them of their responsibility as head. Praying for you and DH. Marriage is no easy task. (((HUGS)))
Actually, when I read the post last night I wasn't really sure how to respond to it (so I didn't) and I do appreciate a man's perspective on something of this nature because it helps me to look at it from another perspective. I'm not a man, don't pretend to be one and I'll admit, I don't always understand them :lol: so to have your perspective is appreciated from me anyway.
Cherry, Praying for you. I'm sorry you are going through struggles I've only been married for 13 years so take my advice with that in mind. But I've learned a few things. Treat your dh like the sun rises and sets on him. Do what he wants joyfully without a word of complaint and without a hint of discontent on your face. Do this even if you are not feeling joyful. Do this even if you feel like screaming at him. This is a woman's greatest power. This is how a woman can get her own way relatively easy. How? Give it some time and I think you will find your dh acting as though the sun rises and sets on you. Act like how you want to be treated and in time you will be treated that way as well. Sow loving actions and loving words and you will reap them.
Embassy, Not to sound, oh, I don't know, I guess been there and done that. I read the book the Daughter After my own Heart by Elizabeth George. I changed everything and catered to him. Showered him with love in all sorts of little things from making his lunches to taking out the garbage and telling him how wonderful he was. He loved it at first and then it became expected. The complaining started for example, I couldn't eat my lunch today because you used the wrong brand of mustard. You didn't tie the bag tight enough for the garbage. I'm telling you its always something. So, after a few months on complaining about the lunches or just not taking them I stopped. This is my schedule 6-9am work 9:30-12 School the kids 12-1 lunch and get the kids to the sitters 1:30-4Work 4-6 cook and clean up 6-bed Laundry, walk dogs, gymnastics for the kids etc etc.. Now, when he comes home from work he sits and plays computer games until he goes to bed. He won't even let the dogs out because I decided I wanted a dog its my job not his. He will let them pee on the floor instead of letting them out. Then he will leave it there till I get home. Please help me understand I am ready to say I quit. But, I know the Lord doesn't want me to. urg....
I think you were absolutely right on Steve. Whether we process emotions differently or not the trick is to understand what the other person in the marriage needs. We sometimes get caught up in our own needs but if we're trying to communicate with our partner we need to know how to do that. I think you're advice, which boiled down to having lots and lots of discussion, was spot on.
It's not fine. It's far from fine. It sets a pattern that your kids will model their own lives after. Do you think that maybe your husband is feeling as isolated as you are? That perhaps he's on the computer because he doesn't feel like there's a place for him with you and the kids? That he gets angry because he's disconnected? That he steps on fun because he doesn't feel entitled to it himself? When he's on the computer do you engage him, honestly without expectations? Bring him a snack or give him a quick kiss on the cheek? When you're having fun with the kids do you share it with him? When he gives what seems like an arbitrary order do you try to see his side (maybe eating before you get home means eating in the car and to him means a mess in a car he worked hard to purchase) or ask his reasoning or back him up without resentment? Do you take a few minutes to greet him after work, share some moments from your day and ask him about his? It honestly doesn't sound like you're dealing with an irredeemable bad guy. It sounds like the two of you are disconnected and a little lost and may have been for awhile. He may feel as bad about all this as you. He may have similar complaints about and be as unsure of how to deal with them so he just shuts down. I'd start reaching out a bit. Nothing big and with no expectations ("If I bring him a snack while he's on the computer he'll see what he's missing and join the family for a movie!"), Just little loving things to show him that you're reaching out. Talk a little more, smile a little more. I think we tend to exaggerate the difference between men and women. I think that, for the most part, men need to know their cared for, thought about and loved just like women do.
I'm going to take the other side of this: This sounds to me (admittedly, without all the information) like classic emotional abuse. A couple of things that you said were big red flags. First is that he is so particular about how you and your children dress and behave. That is one of the key components to abuse. Second is that everything is your fault. That is the number one sign of abuse. Abusers pin blame on everyone (or everything) else. The issue with the dog is another big red flag. It's almost cliche to say it thanks to crime dramas, but abusers almost always neglect proper animal care. And it's another method of controlling you. If you know your dog is being ignored at home, it means two things: the abuse can continue while you are not home (because it bothers you while you are at work) and you will rush right home to tend to the dog/mess. So the questions you must ask yourself are: Can you live like this for the rest of your life (because it's unlikely he will change)? Do you want your male children to be just like him? Do you want your female children to marry a man just like him? If the answer to any of those questions is "no," I think you know what you need to do.
I was thinking the same thing, Amie. I have a friend who's husband is like this. He doesn't work but she works full time then has to come home and do everything at home, too. He won't even pick up the kids from school. She pays for afterschool care and then picks them up herself. He flies off the handle at little things, berates her and the kids, and cannot or will not keep a job. Time and again she threatens to leave him and he shapes up for a month or two. Then its right back. It's not a matter of feeling disconnected for this man. My husband has known them over 20 years, before they were married. He's always been known as a hot-head and a jerk. Its a difficult decision but, Amie, I think you gave some excellent questions to ask oneself.
I had not planned to comment, since I am in the exact same boat. But some of the comments here sound like this is somehow Cherry's fault. The man is emotionally distant, emotionally negligent, and has control issues. Nothing she does is going to cure him of his own shortcomings. His own heart is hardened to the needs of his family, and God is the only one who can soften his heart. She can be a biblically submissive wife till the cows come home, but until God convicts him of his neglect, he will not change. He has these issues as a result of some damage in his own heart and mind. In my dh's case, it is a result of childhood insecurity, broken marriages, and adult depression. He cannot stand for us to be happy. His first weapon is sarcasm meant to wound. Then its temper tantrums meant to ruin the mood of those around him. Then it's making decisions with out consulting anyone else. He also is so un-involved with his own kids, that they don't even ask him anymore to play with them, or come to their activities at church, or tuck them in. They just dont expect it anymore. Cherry, I have lived like this too. for 12 years. They tell me to keep praying for him. I know that God will heal him eventually. I'm just having a hard time explaining to my kids that Daddy does love them even though it doesn't look like it. I worry about how my son will learn what a Godly husband looks like. I worry about how my daughter will ever know how to look for a mate for herself. But still I pray for healing. I pray that when God does heal him, I will know how to forgive. sorry this is so long and sounds so hateful. It's just that I know the hurt you are feeling. You are not alone.
I had never even heard of the book or author so I'm not sure what is contained in the book. I wasn't referring to the standard Biblical submission teaching. That often tends to make wives doormats. However, it is wise in any marriage to put the spouse's needs and desires before your own. The Biblical principle of sowing and reaping happens in marriage too. So if you sow arguments (for example) rather than loving words and actions you can't expect to receive an abundance of loving words and actions. I would say that to anyone without distinguishing if their marriage was struggling or wonderful. Also, I wanted to address Leissa's comment. My suggestion was not intended to impart blame in any way. Advice or suggestions can only be given to the one asking. I can't give your husband advice. I can only suggest things that you can do to help. I highly suggest meeting with your pastor or a Christian counselor. If your husband won't go, then go alone. Don't give up. Pray and ask God to work on your hearts. Spend time thinking of the reasons why you chose to marry him and why you chose him to be the father of your children. If you suspect your husband's behavior may be abusive talk it over with your pastor or a Christian professional.
I cannot recommend Family Life's "A Weekend To Remember" more highly. My husband were on the verge of something awful a few years ago, and we went to one. It helped us so much. We still have issues, and we still work on them. But it was so crucial for our communication. YOU TWO NEED TO COMMUNICATE without arguing, without fighting and without judgement. On both sides. I'm not saying you're to blame, or he's to blame. But marriage is not a 50/50 thing. It's a 100/100 thing - where both parties are supposed to be giving 100% REGARDLESS of what the other is doing. THAT'S HARD, take it from one who knows!!! Also, There are a few books I loved while we were going through this stuff. Bothy by Nancy Missler "Why should i be the first to change" and "Be Ye Transformed". Both excellent books. PRAYING FOR YOU. I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT EASY. ((((HUGS))).
