How do you know when it is time to stop homeschooling? When the kids are so much of a handful that your stress level and that of your entire home goes through the roof, how do you handle it? In this case, my stress level is affecting the entire house and is caused namely by our 2 older kiddos (1st and 3rd graders) who are EXTREMELY intense little people, especially when together (individually they are such fun, lovely little creatures). They both have ADHD (as well as various other diagnoses, though the ADHD is the primary root of our current challenges). My very sweet, well-meaning husband is trying to gently nudge me towards sending them to school once we move this summer; a big part of me feels a huge weight being lifted at the thought of it. However, I know that the schools are not the answer, especially when they will not qualify for services or many accommodations b/c their test scores are not low enough...yet. I am trying to gear up for next year with homeschooling, choosing curriculum to entice us, figuring out a good system to eliminate/decrease the whines and moans, outsourcing what I can (religion; they will attend Sunday school instead), and telling myself that it can only get better...though I have my doubts. Has anyone been to this rough place? Trying to work through this but I am having so many doubts...
First off, I want to assure you that many (probably most) of us have had very trying times with our children. Children can be difficult and when you add in their education to your list of responsibilities it becomes a very large burden at times. I have felt much anxiety and almost panic at times with this whole homeschooling adventure (lol) and I only have one child. Your children are young and at a great age to establish boundaries. I am not a child rearing expert, but I have learned from my mistakes (with my son and my sister's, who I used to babysit). I would advise you to focus on getting their behavior in line ahead of academics. Hearing this advice may make you more anxious about their education, but I think it will lead to a better homeschooling (or public school) experience and home life. There are two things I have found to be VERY important: 1. Make boundaries, including consequences, consistent. DON'T back down and DO follow through. Of course make the consequences reasonable and if at all possible make them connected to the offense. Ex: If they don't pick up their toy, don't let them have access to that toy for a day or two. If they speak rudely, make them do an extra chore or write sentences. 2. When you are dealing with an offense, stay as unemotional as possible. This is where I failed in the past big time. I would get upset and raise my voice and make threats of punishment that were way unrealistic. They would get more upset and things escalated. This achieves nothing. If you are calm and carry out the designated consequence they will know they did wrong without the unnecessary drama. As far as school goes, when they are young don't try to do too much or make it too "schooly". In my opinion the school have done a lot of things wrong and I don't want to copy that model.
Cabsmom has the right idea. If something is making homeschooling too hard, then you need to focus on that before homeschooling can properly go on. If you can train them to behave at a higher standard, then teaching them will become much easier. I would try to alter their behaviour and teach new habits for a week or two. Make it a huge focus. Don't break down, at least in front of them, and always be consistent with following through. It might be useful to make a list of the behaviours that stress you out and make homeschooling hard. Things like shouting, interrupting, not tidying up materials, and so on. Work out a good way of dealing with each one. Breaking it down like this will make it seem much more manageable! Ensure your children are aware of this as well. Tell them that these behaviours are getting in the way of learning, so together you will all work on trading them for better behaviours. Explain what will happen when they shout etc. and follow through. For example, if screaming for attention is a problem, you might ignore them the first time, give a warning the second, and then some relevant punishment the third. On the other hand, you could also lather on compliments if they are working well without doing any of these things. I wouldn't interpret children being too much of a handful as an indicator to stop homeschooling. The issue seems to be behavioural. By sending them off to school, you are simply handballing the issue to a schoolteacher, who is less well-equipped than you when it comes to teaching your own children how to behave. There are many reasons to stop homeschooling, but that isn't one of them.
I have been in your situation more than once! I have found that when things like behavior become a problem I stop schooling and focus on that instead. Sometimes it takes 2 days of being really strict before they "get" that I am serious about good behavior. Sometimes it take 2+ weeks. My kids have tried to push HARD in rules and boundaries and sometimes I have to step back and reassess my kids ages and what is appropriate for that age and what is not. I have found that to be really helpful. I sent my kids to school at the beginning of this year and I found that although they liked it at first they all ended up coming home at some point during the school year. I will say it helped my oldest see what school was like and when he made the choice to come back home he was more willing to do his work and stick to a schedule than before he went to school. He was a nightmare to school before. It may be that school is the break you need, even for a year....or less.
All I have to say is "RESPITE"! I know mom's who have sent their kids back to school purly because it was free respite care. Is there any way you can afford to have someone come and babysit 1/2 day once or twice a week? Maybe pay a tutor for learning a new language? A church women's group willing to accomidate your kids? It sounds like you need a breath of fresh air. You need some time in your week when you can breath, do some things that you need to do for your own well being. "Father give this Mom the courage to do what she needs to do for the well being of her kids, and her family. Help her to see what you have called her to. If you are calling her to homeschool, she'll make it through this. If you are telling her it's okay to send them to another school, confirm it in her heart and soul. Most of all bring her your peace that passes understanding. Guard her heart and mind through hard days, and give her your joy. Amen".
Are you trying to school them together? Maybe you need to separate them a bit and switch off activities? While you work with one then the other could be doing something on their own or even if you have fitness tape or video game system (Wii/Kinect) you could have them do that in another area of the house to help them burn off some of the excess energy. Are you trying to do your school work while sitting at a table? That often does not work for ADHD kids. I know folks who have the kids do some of their math (drills, mental math) orally while the child is running in place or jumping up and down, the action actually helps them concentrate. Maybe you need to get up and do something between each subject. As for choosing curriculums maybe you need something more hands on such as KONOS. You could do it with both kids together but since there is more hands on activites it might help out. I agre with you that ps is probably not the anwser. If you are having problems with the behavior a ps teacher with 15+ kids in the class is not going to have an easier time. That leaves many opportunities for your child to fall through the cracks. I hope you and your dh can find a plan that will work for your family and that next year is smoother for you.
If they're hyperactive, and you send them to school, probably the first thing that will happen is that the school will say for you to put them on meds for hyperactivity. If you are opposed to doing that, they will not like it and your kids will likely suffer for it. If you are not opposed to using meds, then use 'em at home... I agree with "abandoning" academics for a couple of weeks while you focus on getting the behavior under control. It will save your sanity and benefit their academics in the long run.
Wow, thank you all for your suggestions, prayers, and kindness! I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have others who have experienced similar hurdles. I like the idea of jotting down the areas that are causing issues for us. Thankfully, they are honestly good kids; just adding in the ADHD behaviors (impulsivity, distractibility as I have never seen before, the two of them bouncing off of each other, etc.) then adding in the emotional behaviors in my son that are pretty consistent with gifted kids, then add in the baby and I have the perfect storm. Our daughter's emotions also run very high (a bit dramatic, one might euphemistically say!), and not only are we working with her on this (and have been for years), but her speech pathologists and her OT also work on it with her. We offer many accommodations for their ADHD, which is such a benefit to homeschooling - working outside in their "fort," sitting on an exercise ball, standing up, having exercise bands tied to the bottom feet of their chairs, plenty of breaks with physical activity...I recently purchased the Brain Gym book and try to incorporate some of it in when I can/remember to do so. I guess I am unsure of how to proceed at this point; I wish the behaviors and choices were something I could focus on and deal with; honestly, they are part and parcel of their brain wiring and will likely take many years of consistent training to change. I love my babies more than anything, though I wish they were less "in-your-face" and intense with every-little-thing, you know? With our upcoming move, I have decided to start very light - just therapies for my daughter and school, then as they show they are capable of handling more, we can add back in scouts, dance, etc. We have taken mostly half days since March since we were so far ahead, but that did not help either. I have found a parents' morning out program at a church in our new location to hopefully take the toddler a day or two (though I feel so much guilt over sending him away, when I had our older 2 24-7 at his tender age). I am really trying to change the things I can do ensure a successful, less stressful year next year. I just hope it is enough.
I do not know if it has been asked or mentioned, but do your children run around and blow off steam before school starts? Some parents allow their children to be active before school. I am not talking about video games or toys, I mean get outside and running, biking, physical games or activities to blow off extra energy. I also agree that sending them back to ps will not solve any problems. It might keep you from it for six or seven hours a day, but it will come back home after school gets out.
Oh I just remembered some recently said having the kids sit on exercise balls to do there work can sometimes help too. I know you said you tried that how well did it work for the kids?
Let me say that everyone has been in your position at some point or another! DOn't worry! This can, and will get better! I think you might need to take a break from schooling just for a bit. Rest, and recoup! My personal favorite tool is a visual schedule! (Let's hear it for the visual schedule!!) They can look at it and see what to expect. The one we use is made out of construction paper and images printed off of Yahoo. Green on the left, red on the right. Place all the icons on the left and move them to the red side when completed. Velcro dots are awesome here. Separate them as much as possible. It doesn't have to be in another room, but across the room if you can. Get some special toys only for school time the other kids can play with like legos or something. Also, get a fidget toy for the child who is doing school work at that time. That may help give their fingers something to do. We put a weighted vest on Patryk during our school time. It has 2 ibs in it, and works great to calm him. He says, "I don't fly with the vest!" I know they use vests for ADHD kids as well to keep them grounded. Maybe you and your DH can discuss this?
Patty, about half our mornings have recess before school in some form - whether it is running around outside or just doing Brain Gym kinds of exercising. For our daughter, I try to do sensory integration activities...truthfully, it gets overwhelming getting in all the non-school "stuff" to gear them up, between DD's severely itchy, painful foot eczema, her tummy issues (all under the dr's care, so a slow resolution, but we are getting there), the sensory integration which consists of lots of activities if I let it, the joint compression, etc. Mschickie, the ball helps our son very much - in fact, while taking his CAT this morning, he switched rooms to the basement to sit on the exercise ball for his math portion. Our daughter likes the exercise bands tied to the chair legs a lot. Meg, thank you for your suggestions and ideas! I am in the process of creating a portable visual schedule for our 1st grader; a less portable version for both kiddos to be kept at home. Honestly, things are such a state of limbo between finishing up for the year, prepping for our move, having people constantly being shown the rental home we are in (plenty of strangers walking through at the least opportune times, like in the middle of our CAT testing today an hour early, ergh)...I anticipate being able to take full advantage of having a full room to school in once we move and am just trying to get through the next 5.5 weeks at this point! It is funny you mentioned to take a break - things do not improve with a break around here either. My 2 kiddos are such strong, intense individuals that even a simple walk around the block with them literally wears me out! I am praying that with maturity, I will see some improvement overall...and that I do not go completely grey in the meantime!
I had a friend whose niece and nephew were so hyperactive you couldn't stand to be in the same room with them. Their parents were totally against meds for ADHD, so they tried the Feingold diet and discovered that one reacted to green beans, and I forget what food the other reacted to. But once they figured this out, and kept them away from those foods, the kids chilled right out... Feingold is HARD! You start by taking away EVERYthing but white rice and water for a couple of days, then gradually add back in one food at a time (according to Dr. Feingold's schedule) until you find out what they react to. These are usually things that an allergy skin test would NOT alert you to -- it shows up ONLY in hyperactive behavior! Not trying to diagnose long-distance, it's just something that stays in the back of my mind.
I was going to suggest reading about the GAPS diet. Even though we don't use it - I know trigger for my DFS15 & DFD5 that cause that type of behavior. Now the 15 year old is on meds (Intuiv) which I like - but you can definitely see when it wears off. BUT - the 5 year old is super hyper with certain types of red food dye - not all of them, but certain #'s. A nutrigrain strawberry cereal bar & a quaker oats strawberry cereal bar produce 2 different reactions in her - to the point you can barely be around her. For her, they aren't sure it's ADD or ADHD because there are other things that can cause the hyperactive behavior and she doesn't meet a lot of the criteria for either one. On top of regular issues right now, your kids are probably stressed because of the upcoming move. This can increase the hyper-activity in children big time. So look at diet *though the next weeks will be stressful!* and see where it takes you!
I second the dietary changes idea. My dd shows no classic signs of cows milk allergy (stomach issues) but the eczema...oh the eczema....we switched her to soymilk and it made a huge difference.
Ems stuggled with eczema and psoriasis, sometimes to the point of developing infections on her body that required internal and external antibiodics. We stopped using detergent soaps, shampoo, and other harsh detergents to clean the body and WOW, she has cleared up drastically. She still gets a flare-up from time to time and I am positive it is something she is eating.
Thanks, everyone. Her specialist is certain that dietary changes will make no difference (we had tried to go gluten-free for a while), but you never know! I admit, between therapies, activities, toddler, normal household business, schooling...I can barely make it to the grocery store, so the thought of adding something else completely overwhelms me. Perhaps once we are settled in in our new state, after a month of being with family in a different state, oye! Here is a question for those of you whose children are affected by different foods/food ingredients - was the response immediate as soon as consuming the item; did the response last a long time or a few hours; was their behavior more calm/"normal" in the morning before they had a chance to eat? Today we had our field trip to Ford's Theatre. Stick a fork in me. I think our field trips are over for the year - my 1st grader did me in (especially when added in with the toddler)!
Patty, I have recently switched detergents, even shampoos and soaps to help with her eczema...hoping we see some good changes; so far, so good! Fairfarmhand, thanks for sharing about the dairy - maybe I will check that with her. The baby recently moved from a prescription amino acid formula for his milk intolerance to a special pediatric soy beverage...and even our oldest was on the same formula due to protein digestion issues. Wonder if the dairy might have a role in some of his challenges...
I haven't read all the responses but to this: I've been there and done that. It's the reason we initially chose homeschooling, and two years later when she did score low enough... it was "my fault" (according to the IEP) because I wasn't expecting enough of her. I politely handed them their paperwork, unsigned, and walked out. I've never considered putting her in school again.
Oh this is a huge one for us. Our 5 year old possibly has fetal alcohol syndrome which can mimic ADD/ADHD symptoms. She is a VERY active 5 year old and exhausts everyone in the house. However, give her a "Quaker Oats" strawberry cereal bar and she is COMPLETELY wired in minutes; running around the house, making noises etc. A Nutrigrain strawberry cereal bar does NOT do the same thing. We haven't ruled out everything - but note: she is NOT allergic to it - she reacts to the different ingredients but it's not considered an allergic reaction. This is why I suggest diet. The more processed food she eats - the worse she is (not to mention her attachment/anxiety issues from being in foster care again).
