This last year I have been teaching the 3-4yo's Sunday School class, which consists of just three boys, one of which is my own. Another boy in the class, "Eric", is the son of a very close friend, "Angela". Angela, her husband, and my husband and I have all been very good friends for at least 10 years now, before any of us started having kids. But now we each have 4 kids, and our parenting is so different. Normally this isn't a problem, BUT...when it comes to having her child in my Sunday School class, it is. Her kids are all poorly behaved because they are poorly disciplined. I know this from experience, from being in her home a LOT, from our kids growing up together, etc. I love Angela to death, but I am so frustrated that she doesn't care to enforce what I try to instill in the class. When I had to give her son consequences for constantly misbehaving last Sunday, and I talked to her about it with Eric right there, she just laughed at his mopey face. I find myself getting so frustrated and annoyed with her that I feel like it's affecting our friendship. I was venting to my husband the other night, and he acknowledged that it is nothing new. I've had these issues before when I babysat her kids a few days a week a few years ago. It's bad enough that it makes me not want to teach Sunday School if one of her kids is going to be in my class, because of how it affects my friendship with her. I'm not going to be teaching in the fall anyway because I'll have a newborn, but there is always a lack of Sunday School teachers and I want to be able to serve in my church this way in the future. I've been praying about it, not sure what to do. I'm just looking for words of advice. How would you handle this?
This situation sounds so familiar to me. I too have a really close friend that I have known for 14 years and I can't stand the lack of discipline she has with her kids (and there are 9 soon to be 10 of them). Both my dh and I have been close friends with her and her DH before we had kids either. Her kids are out of control to the point that both my dh and I won't let them come to our house anymore. We are tired of our things getting broken and snot and other "things" being wiped on our walls. In the past I have tried to put rules in place when they are at our house but there is still no respect for them and when I try to give them a consequence... their mom says they have to deal with the consequence BUT when her kids won't cooperate she just sits back and doesn't help me follow through. I have been prayerfully seeking an answer as what to do because I don't want to loose this friendship yet I am constantly frustrated with her kids. Here is what I am doing now: I will ONLY go to her house. That way when her kids break things and trash a house...it is theirs, not mine. I try to schedule a girls night or day out with her at least once a month kid free. That way we can continue to build our friendship and I don't have to deal with her kids. Now, with you teaching sunday school and having this problem here is what I would do: On Sunday I would go to class and tell them that there are some NEW rules in the class (even if they aren't new tell them they are, kids tend to listen better when something is new) Then proceed to lay out whatever rules you feel are necessary. After they hear the rules, tell them the consequences of breaking the rules. You might have to make a poster with pictures and words so they will understand. Then, when you discipline, don't tell the mom. I know that sounds like maybe you are hiding something from her, but you aren't. The rules are clearly laid out and so are the consequences. From what you said, if you tell the mom she will not be reinforcing the consequence but instead will be demeaning it. That just instills in the child's head that even his mom thinks it's dumb and it won't help with the discipline. I feel for you! I have been in your shoes! Hang in there!
This is my two cents worth. You can take it or leave it. :angel: I direct the children's ministry in my church and I allow the teachers to not accept any student that is out of control. If they can't correct the child, the parent needs to be called in. If the parent does not work with us, then the child can't be in the class. People think that the children's ministry is a babysitting service. Nursery is different, and I do not direct nursery. First, you need to talk with your friends and explain the problem. If they do not help, talk to the pastor or leadership. I have a wonderful pastor who supports the ministry leaders. I would rather lose one child, friend or not, than to lose more than one because people do not want their child around the ill behaved child. I value my teachers and I do not want any of them stepping out of ministry because of one child. If they do, then all the children suffer. Also, if your friends get upset, then you might need to question how authentic the relationship really is.
Children's ministry needs more people like you! Honestly, I left my preschool ministry position several years ago because I was tired of dealing with classes of undisciplined children. Many parents just don't feel the need to discipline anymore. I felt like we spent our entire class time just trying to maintain control.
I have told some of my rowdy Sunday School kids to settle down or I will take them down the hall to their parents class. Mine are K-2nd grade. That does not work if the parents or grandparents do not attend of course. Years ago our teachers would tell us we would have to go to see our pastor in his office if we didn't behave but I don't recall anyone actually having to go. I don't know if a 3 or 4 year old would understand that anyway. Our pastor comes in to speak to our kids who attend our Wed. afterschool program. He does not come to threaten or anything, just to say hello and talk about our program. He lets them know he is there if they want to talk. I wonder if having your pastor come in one morning just to talk about why we are in Sunday School and how we should behave would help your rowdy student any? I don't think I would continue to talk about his behavior to his mother unless she asks. Sounds like it doesn't help at all. I will be praying you can work this out. We see way too many people who will not teach the children's classes if any of the kids are not well behaved. They just don't want to deal with it because the parents will not support them. We have had to rethink the way we do Vacation Bible School because of people not wanting to teach kids who have no idea that they have to follow rules. I hope this Sunday goes better for your class.
I learned long ago at a workshop that you cannot change behavior OUTSIDE YOUR SPHERE OF INFLUENCE. We were told not to say, "We don't run." Instead, I would say, "We don't run INSIDE MY CLASSROOM." Make the rules, but limit to them to YOUR CLASSROOM. I don't care how they behave outside the classroom, but their behavior INSIDE my classroom is MY problem. That way, you don't need Mom and Dad's cooperation (however nice it would be!). You may want to write down rules and go over them EACH WEEK (yeah, I know they don't read!) Try to keep positive rules, rather than negative. "Use an indoor voice", rather than "No yelling". "Keep hands and feet to yourself" covers LOTS of negative rules! "Listen when someone is talking". By reviewing them each week, they will learn them. Can you come up with a discipline program for inside your classroom? How long are you in there? 45 minutes? Get those little stickers that are about the size of a pencil eraser that come like 100 per pack. And EVERY TIME a kid does something good, give them a sticker. "Johnny, I really like the way you're sitting on your bottom!" "Susan, you are using a very nice inside voice!" "Bobby, thank you for hanging up your coat nicely!" LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITES TO DO THIS! Make a big deal out of the stickers. Some kids you might need to be creative to find reasons to give them stickers, lol! Then, when Mom picks them up, make a big deal about how many stickers they get. If one kid is really acting up, give all the other stickers for listening nicely. I had a kid in my classroom for one day a week for about an hour. He was older, about 10, with special needs, and was OFF THE WALL!!! So finally I gave him a page each week. Every ten minutes, I would give him a happy face, sad face, or straight face, based on his behavior for JUST THE LAST TEN/FIFTEEN MINUTES. And his regular teacher would look at it and make a big deal about it when he got back to his classroom. Again, I couldn't come up with a behavior plan for him all day long, just for the time he was under MY sphere of influence. This may not work for you, but most 3/4yo's will do ANYTHING for a sticker! (I ALSO agree 100% with Patty!!!)
