The story starts in 1992. A friend (who is 10 years older than I am) and I got together and she had been drinking. She shared her journey to have children. It was so heartbreaking. She was from a big family and her biggest dream in life was to be a Mom. By time I met her, she had been trying to conceive for over 10 years. My heart went out to her. Not knowing the terminology at the time I offered to carry for her. She now has 4 children that she naturally conceived when she was in her 30’s. Why she had a hard time conceiving prior to that time no one knows. Since that time I was told I could not have children. Later in 1992 the OB had found pre-cancerous cells on my cervix which I went through a cryosurgery to freeze the cells on the cervix. I was told that this procedure weakens the cervix and if I did become pregnant, it was unlikely to sustain full term. In 1998 I went to my regular doctor for pains in my side and it turned out to be severe endometriosis which I was told blocked my tubes. I had a laparoscopy to remove as much of the endo tissue as possible and then placed on a treatment that was suppose to place me into a menopausal state by suppressing my reproductive organs. The OB wanted to do this for 6 months and see if that worked. 3 months into this treatment, I met DH. To be honest, I was not looking for long term, I felt I really had nothing offer anyone in the long term facet because I could not have children. So my intention with DH was to have a fling. Since I really didn’t know him, above suppressing my reproductive system, I made him wear protection. About a month later I was so sick… I went to the ER thinking I had food poisoning or at the very least the flu. Nope – 4 months into my 6 month treatment I was pregnant. Pregnancy never occurred to me. We were completely shocked. We married about 2 months later. I had concerns with the Cryosurgery and my cervix not sustaining the pregnancy. It had been almost 6 years later. The OB did his best to assure me that most of the concerns occur when a woman ends up pregnant within a year of the cryosurgery. It had been 6 years. That didn’t lessen my fears much. The pregnancy was healthy and uneventful. Jacob was healthy. 3 months after his birth, I found out I was pregnant again, While on birth control pills with Logan. He was born the day after Jacob turned 1. A year after Logan had been born, we moved to California, which is a very surrogacy friendly state. At the grocery store one day I noticed a parenting magazine. I don’t know if this is popular in all of California, but down in Irvine (Orange County), they had free parenting magazines next to all the free real estate and auto brochures. The back end of the magazine was loaded with local advertisements. A good portion of ads were searching for Egg Donors or Surrogates. I talked to DH about doing the egg donation. He said no. I was a little shocked by that. He went on to say, that he think that I would be happier doing a surrogacy. Which shocked me more, because I had no idea how he would handle the idea of me being pregnant with someone else’s child. I contacted one of the agencies and went in to fill out the application. I told them of my history and I was check out and deemed healthy – especially since I carried 2 healthy pregnancies afterward. So, I met a few couples and agreed to continue. We did an embryo transfer in August of 2001 and it worked. Quickly after becoming pregnant, the intended mom become obsessively controlling. We began to butt heads frequently. At the time I was very upset by the turn of events, but when I think back on it and how *I* would likely be if *I* had to rely on someone I hardly knew to care for and watch my child for 9 months and only received medical reports once a month until the end. They tried to attend most of the OB appointments with me, but they lived out of town and missed several as well. When we first met, we agreed on a continuing relationship with pictures and reports and so forth. The last time I saw them was the day the baby was born as I was leaving the hospital. They called 3 days later to thank me. I never heard from them again. I had sworn I would never do another surrogacy, but the moment I saw mom and dad hold their little girl… It was all over and I wanted to do it one more time. The last family, I met independently on line through a surrogacy forum similar to this one. When I was considering another surrogacy, I really wanted to avoid the agency. It really made little sense to me that basically a ‘matching service’ was not only paid close to 10K to just match us, but often the agencies received more accreditation for a successful journey than the parties involved. The last family, the first attempt was not successful, the second attempt was. The relationship was much more laid back and went smoothly A healthy little boy was born in 11/04. I still receive updates and pictures of him. They have since had another surrogate give birth to a baby brother for them. So, they have their hands full with 2 little ones right now. How I felt emotionally. Hmm, that is hard. I went into both relationships knowing that this was never my child to raise. These were not my children biologically. I think that knowing this fact before beginning made a lot of difference. Many people liken surrogacy with Adoption. With Adoption, the carrier has both a biological connection to the baby and emotional ties to the babies father (regardless of the relationship – there is still a connection) as well as the emotional ties to her child herself. I can’t imagine going through what some of those ladies have to endure for the 9 months they are pregnant. God Bless them. I basically retired (as they call it in the surrogacy world) after that. As I mentioned in another thread, recently I have wanted more children. Dh and I considered a tubal reversal. We decided against it in the long run. The dear Lord has blessed me with 2 wonderful and healthy boys, He has blessed 2 other families with healthy children that I the honor to care for before they went home to their families.
That is an awesome story! I notice your two boys were born only a year apart! My two are two years apart but the birthdays are Jan. 7 and Jan. 11th. Funny.
Thankyou for sharing that! It's neat when you have the ability to help someone else in some way! That's a huge decision to make! Sorry the first one didn't turn out well, but I'm glad the second one did!
I loved reading your story. I have four adopted children that we adopted out of foster care so I was wondering about something. Did the parents have to do anything since it was their child biologically or do they have to go through a process like adoption? Do they just take the baby straight from the delivery room to another room and stay until the baby can leave like in adoption or how does it work? Sorry if this is a dumb question but I am really intrigued by the process. What a gift you have given these families. Beth
Thank you everyone. Please excuse all the typos. Beth - Most of it depends on the state in which the baby is born. The first baby was born in California, the second was after I moved back to Illinois - We delivered in Wisconins. Where I live the closest hospital was in Wisconsin (4 miles away), vs alost 20 miles here in Illinois. The first couple did a pre-birth order prior to delivery. In California a couple can have this done. This keeps the surrogates name and her husbands name completely off the birth certificate the parents name went straight onto the birth certificate. Their daughter, due to the OB floor being completly full that day their were no available rooms, was taken to the nursury and the couple sat in a small visiting room outside the nursury while they were with their daughter. The baby was born Saturday morning at 2:30am, they were allowed to leave the hospital Sunday morning with their daughter. Since california is very surrogate friendly, the hospitals out there - Especially this one, are use to working with surrogate arrangements the staff helped facilitate a wonderful delivery and comfortable surrondings. We also had a labor and delivery gameplan that was drawn up and given to the staff with my adminstration paperwork so they didn't step on any toes. The second couple. Like I said, I delivered in Wisconsin. From what I was told, I was the first surrogate to deliver in that hospital. So the whole idea was new to them. Since this was both the hospitals first surrogacy arrangement as well as the the couple, I used the gameplan that was drawn up in the first surrogacy and made the appropriate changes to reflect this reltionship. We gave that to the staff when I checked in. Wisconsin is not as friendly as California, so their were a bit more legal hoops to jump through. We had to have paperwork drawn up during the surrogacy to terminate my parental rights. In Wisconsin, regardless of biology, the carrier is mom and if the carrier is married her DH is dad and this is reflected on the birth certificate. So, my name and my DH's name went on the birth certificate. The baby, at birth was given his parents last name. I suppose similar to adoption, the parents had to wait 6 months for our names to be removed from the birth certificate and their names to be placed on it. After the baby was born and bathed, I nursed him - We all wanted the baby to at the very least recieve colustrum and than he and the couple were given a private room of their own. In Wisconsin - At least at this hospital, we were told that the baby could not leave without me. The staff and Admin were away of the arrangement, but hospital Legal said baby could not leave unless I carried him out the front doors. After exiting the front door it apparently did not matter to whom I handed the baby over to. While I was in the hospital, DH and I also had to sign off on all procedures done on the baby. It has been several years, so the laws may have changed since.
That is neat. I have know a lady who carried one for her sister. Caused a bit of a strange relationship after the baby was born. The husband of the sister who couldn't have children didn't want the aunt who carried too close as he was afraid she wouldn't turn loose. She just wanted to love her neice as she says it. She had 3 of her own and has since had another of her own plus her sister's baby. Lorna
I have heard of several family relationships become strained after one family member carries for another. Epecially in regards to traditional surrogacy in which the carrier has her direct biological link to the baby. Many people prefer to carry for a relative so they can see the child grow up. I couldn't do that, because I know that I would end up being ovrly involved. Kind of like the Aunt who has the most innocent and best of intentions that had a tendacy to cross that parental line without realizing it and stepping on toes.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It was really intereasting. You are amazing, I am pretty sure that I couldn't do it.
I guess you have to be sure of the people raising the baby. That they are good people and will love the baby. I guess also there are some mental things you have to do to kinda stay disconnected in a way. Lorna
There is one family I would have LOVED to do this for! But I can't honestly say how I could disconnect myself from that baby, and I wouldn't want to cause strain in our relationship! I might have been able to, just not sure. Now I couldn't do it, but I honestly thought of that a time or two when I was younger, just never followed through---I had two rough pregnancies, so that would have totally affected my family's lives, as well as mine, so I backed away from it. I'm glad some people can, and that helps others have that option!
