My DS7 has had temper problems most of his life. Now the younger 2 are starting to pick up quite a bit of his negative behaviors. DS7 has honest to goodness impulse control problems. The younger 2 don't really. Seems they're experimenting with what the "ringleader" does. (they also follow his lead with his positive behaviors). I need some new tactics before I lose all my patience. Could you tell me what kind of things you do to deal with younger children's tempers?
My youngest has an issues that is similar. It isn't a temper but she gets really stressed and freaks out easily. I have found that loosing my cool only makes her worse. I keep my voice low and as calm and collected as possible when she gets that way and clearly explain it will not be tolerated. If it continues I follow through immediately with punishment - usually a time out in the corner so she can calm down. I don't know if that will work in your situation or not.
sounds like my oldest. He gets frustrated really easily and throws himself around and whines and screams and well...you get the idea. I finally found a punishment for tantrums and disobedience thats works WONDERS for him. Granted your situation will be a little different, but every time my son throws a fit or disobeys he gets an "extra chore". Now, since I know he HATES HATES HATES dishes, I give him dishes as his chore. Unloading would count as 1 punishment, loading another, clearing dishes, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, etc. So far it has been working so well that I actually wish he would do something so that I didn't have to do the dishes! It was a struggle at first getting him to actually follow through with the punishment. At first all I got was more tantrums and disobedience. But he quickly realized that by not following through with his punishment he started losing other priveledges as well. For example: The other day he was supposed to clean him room. Instead he snuck outside and went to play with his friend next door. When I caught him I told him he had to unload for his punishment. He threw a fit! I told him that if he continued to throw a fit he would be grounded to the house for the rest of the day. He stopped....mostly. Then I went with him to his room and told him he was not allowed ro leave until it was clean. I mostly supervised but helped a little while he cleaned it. At one point I was putting all the trash in a bag and he dissapeared. He got loading as a punishment for disobeying. After the room was clean I told him to go do his consequences. He started to throw a fit and I reminded him that if he continued he would be grounded. He stomped upstairs, but he did the dishes and he only complained a tiny bit. Since the last incedent he has been an angel and does what I ask and his temper seems to be under control. It is a lot of work and at times I wondered if following through every single time (and sometimes it was 15-20 times a day) would really pay off. It has!! Just find a punishment for the behavior and STICK TO IT!!!!! It will get worse before it gets better because he will try to find out where the boundries are.
Oh I also unplugged the TV 2 weeks ago and they don't get to watch it EVER. It has made a HUGE impact on the way my kids act. They are so much nicer now. That also might have something to do with it.
Children are incredibly smart and know just how much they can get away with and why. As others have said, the key must be to resolve the matter with your oldest so the others can see and learn what will happen to them if they follow suit. The hardest thing for me as a parent is responding consistently and immediately. Indeed, it's a pain sometimes to stop what I'm doing every time to deal with a matter. The temptation is to deal with it when convenient for me, but that doesn't work. When my oldest son was younger, he'd throw occasional tantrums, and we had to deal with him there and then. The punishment was almost immaterial, but he had to know there are immediate and serious consequences when he does something so unacceptable. He was a great soccer player, and we had to pay his team dues, etc., so we really didn't want to impact that, but occasionally keeping him home during practice or a game was the only way. That way, he lost something valuable to him, and he had to explain later to his teammates. These days, by the way, he's in his 20s and sometimes smiles at us saying "I was a terror sometimes, wasn't I?" Of course, he's long outgrown those antics and we're very proud of him. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Check out Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (NIV) I have told Phillip that he has a gate at his mouth with a guard on duty. Every time a word tries to get out, the guard says, "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" It's his duty to check out EVERY WORD to see if it will "benefit those who listen." Words said in anger usually do NOT pass the test! When inappropriate words pass, I can ask if his guard is sleeping on duty. Maybe he needs to be court martialed.... Don't know if that will help or not, but having a boy who is "all boy" and really into soldiers and all, it did help us!
Thank you! I'm going to share this with my kids. I think it will help with some of the verbal issues we're having around here; not so much tantrums as much as mean and angry words.
I highly recommend the book "To Train Up a Child" by: Michael and Debbi Pearl. Years ago I actually bought extra copies of this to give to people. I too would second getting rid of television/any violent games and healthy eating.
Steve, when Rachael was younger, she was giving me grief about a writing assignment. I finally "gave up", and told her that if she wanted to take her "free time" now, she could. But she would have to finish her writing later on that evening at 6:00. That got her all excited...until she remembered that soccer practice was at 6:00. When she informed me of this, I said, "Oh, really? Then I guess you'll need to call Coach and explain to him why you won't be able to make it this week...." Needless to say, the paper was finished VERY quickly, lol!
I will use the Ephesians. He likes when I use the bible. Also my oldest will probably respond to that as well. I also recently unplugged their tv. DH was not thrilled about it - its inconvenient for him. We compromised - they can earn it bck, but the behavior has to get better. Amazingly, it is (slowly) and so is their READING!!!!! Lastly, I would have to agree with the consistency quetion Cornish Steve pointed out. I find its soooo hard to stop what I'm doing - because I onloy get so much time to do things, and its much less now....but they're just not old enough to follow thru on their own. Set the example and such. thank you for the good suggestions. I think I may also need to pay relly close attention to what is causing it - seems quite often what I think is causing a meltdown/temper tantrum is actually a reaction to something compeltely different. Thanks again.
All I can do is send out (((hugs))). I have a 5 yr old that has anger issues. He has a hard time controlling it. He gets really really mad fast and explodes often through out the day. When I do the time out, take things away, or anything he will sit down and do nothing except throw a fit. I am at my wits end. His are not, well at least I have not noticed triggered by anything but him not doing what he wants. If something is not going the way he thinks it needs to go he looses it. From something as simple as brushing his teeth to not tearing apart someone else stuff (or his own). He is very verbal and physical when the tantrums are going on. I hope all works out for you. Sorry for the long response.
Some kids are just wired up in such a way that they need a different approach while they learn the skills needed to control themselves. When nothing else is working, it can be worth looking into "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children" by Ross Greene. (Even if the child is one of those, not all three it can be helpful. It's a very different approach than traditional parenting strategies, but many parents find it effective when nothing else is working.
