I have two issues I'd like to discuss, and I'll make them into two separate threads. My first one involves my 24 yr old son. Those of you that know me awhile might remember he's had a tough life. Well, now he has a very committed girlfriend who is making his life very happy. She's a nice girl, very pleasant. The problem is, Kevin way oversteps boundaries with this girl. He invites her here without telling us. One day she showed up at 9am. Jeannie and I were in nightgowns, our hair looking like bird nests. He invites her for the entire day sometimes, again unknown to us. Most times, he plans these visits when he knows we have plans to be gone most of the day. Yes- that means they're having sex while we're gone. We came home this past Saturday to them scurrying downstairs as we walked in. I'm very irate over this. Dean laughs it off. He simply will not back me up. I have a 10 yr old in the house. She doesn't need to see her brother and his gf with passion marks all over their necks, or see them hurrying down the steps like this past week. I plan to tell Kevin no more visits without asking us first, definitely no more unsupervised visits. I know I'm in this alone, because Dean won't say anything to back me up. Sigh..so that's issue 1.:roll:
We've established ground rules for our adult children, and they know that, to remain in our house, they must abide by those rules. If they break them, there would be serious consequences. Thankfully, to date, they have stayed within the guidelines. Obviously, we cannot dictate how our adult children behave when they are elsewhere. In our house, though, they must follow our rules. Like you, we have younger children living in the house, and they don't need to be exposed to behavior with which we disagree. To enforce rules, though, it does take a consistent stand from both parents. This would be my first piece of advice. The second is to be understanding when establishing rules; being too strict can backfire. The third is to get to know the girlfriend well so she feels part of the home too. That way, even if your son bends/breaks the rules, maybe the girl will push back for the sake of your relationship with her. It's not easy when our adult children live at home. Sorry for the problems you're running into.
I'm with you entirely-adult children must abide by house rules as long as they live at home. It would be nice to have my husband's support here, but I'm on my own.
Becky, without Dean's support, your hands are tied. Sure, you can tell him she can't come over when no one is home, but he won't listen. You can tell him you'll kick his butt out if it happens again, but I doubt Dean would let you. This is a battle you're never going to win, sorry to say.
I agree with Steve on building a relationship with the girl. You seem to like her, so let her know that. But also let her know that there are rules you'd like them to follow in your home. Without your husband to back you up, it'll be hard to win the battle any other way.
Dean simply doesn't care, Jackie, either way. My plan is to talk to Kevin, and if he continues to disregard me, I'll take it up with him and the girl together. I will win this, because of Jeannie.
I certainly don't know the other circumstances at your house, Becky, but at 24, I'd be talking to him about getting his own place. He's an adult, and it's time. My kids knew my rules growing up, and never dared to try bringing people home when I wasn't home. After they turned 18, I knew they were going to be making their own choices about their behavior, but they knew better than to "make their own choices" in my house. At least they respected me and my rules that much.
Ask your husband how he would feel if it were his DAUGHTER that was behaving this way. Men usually have a double standard for acceptable behavior. Sorry, that was snarky. Really, though, I don't think you need him to "back you up". You have a responsibiliy to your daughter and a 24 year old guy needs his own place. There is no way a man his age should be acting this irresponsibly. this sounds more like teenage behaviour to me. My dh was 23 when he married me and he wouldn't even hold my hand around our parents! he needs to "man up".
Well first Becky your son needs to be thankful you are letting him still live at home. Alot of parents wouldn't have it. Second I would set rules with or without your husband support and say this is what is and this has to be this way sorry. If you don't like it theres the door. I agree with Leissa you really don't need your husband support, if its bother you then just say what needs to be done.
I agree, this shouldn't be happening with or without your husband's support and I too, don't think he would be letting your DD do the same thing. When my older brother was doing this same thing my parents finally either made him go everywhere they went or would lock him out of the house. JAT
They do..:roll: When her parents go away, the mice do play! I can't control what they do there, and I'm cool with that.
He's actually working on getting out, since he met this girl. Honestly, he could live at home till he's 150 years old, but obey the rules, kwim?
Leissa, how'd ya know??? I said to Dean, 'What about when Jeannie likes boys and they like her? Can she have a boy in her room??' I also don't feel I need my husband's support, but wow- would it be refreshing.
Well, you might remember Kevin has a disability and some other problems, so letting him stay here was no problem. He was even paying rent- for awhile. That's another no support from hubby story.:roll:
I would think at 24 he needs to get a place of his own. Especially if he wants to have everything his own way. Your house, your rules. His house, he can do what he wants. As far as your husband backing you up I think that isn't going to happen so just pretend you are a single mom for a moment and have the talk with BOTH your son and the girl and lay down the law. They dont' respect you or your home or your rules after you have that talk then the girl isn't a great as she seems IMO. I mean if the mother of a guy I like spoke to me about what she expects in her home I personally would respect that.
On one hand, I'm very surprised that this girl does this stuff at our house. She really is an extremely nice girl. On the other hand, lol, she is sickeningly, soppy in love with Kevin. He's the same with her. She's forever buying him things, calling him, and her FB page is nearly a shrine to him, lol. So, the positive thing here is that they really are in love. They just need to take it somewhere else..:roll:
For what it's worth, we went through this with Carl's oldest boy. Only Carl was on my side about it. And it was the issue of a girl in his room that finally caused him to move out. He had been told that she wasn't permitted upstairs. Well, Carl was sick and Michael knew it, so he brought her up to "take a nap". Carl said something, and Michael told his dad it was "none of his business". I left to go to the store. When I came back, Carl was in bed (sick), and Michael and the girl were still in Michael's room with the door closed. Carl told me he was too sick to deal with it (true), and I needed to let it go. So I did. Two days later, when Carl was doing better, he told Michael he had three days to move out. Becky, I really don't consider that soppy emotional stuff "love". It's been my experience that it's based on temporary feelings, not something that is mature and will last. Hopefully, I'll be proved wrong this time....
