How can this be? I love my son to death. How can it be that we've gotten to this point? His brilliant, honest, handsome, and selfish as all get-out. He's 19 and a straight A pre-med student. He goes to a local college and lives at home. But it's summer now. He has not been able to find a summer job (hardly looked), but he was supposed to be doing other volunteering stuff this summer any way. But now it's summer, and we can't stand having him around. He makes everyone in the house miserable. We've decided that he's going to dorm next September, but we have the whole summer to survive first. We'll probably have him visit an uncle in DC just to get rid of him. Oh my gosh I feel so awful writing that. I hate this. We may end up kicking him out and sending him to another aunt for the weekend. ugh. Tell me we'll survive this.
You'll survive this! I'd probably spent the summer sending him off to everyone I know so he can do odd jobs (without pay) for them.
This is why there should be a rule that the only adults who can share a house are the spouses!LOL. I've seen too many adult children and their parents go completely nuts trying to live together. I speak from experience! My oldest son made me crazy till I made him move out, and then he drove my mother crazy when he went to live with her. When these kids start to spread their wings, they forget they should leave the nest first so they don't knock everybody else in the face with those wings LOL! You'll survive,Mom. Hang in there.
You can do it! Just remember how much you love him and how much you will miss him when he really is gone.
Has he looked into taking classes over the summer? I know how it is though.... hence I moved out when I was 18 and will never live with my mother again and we both acknowledge that
Ds19 is trying to be the alpha male, and dh and I are not going to allow that. Ds is a wonderful person in many ways. He's a moral, honest guy who is not into sex, drugs, or drinking. But he thinks the world centers around him. Maybe it's an oldest child thing, or maybe he is exactly like my dh was at that age, but whatever it is, he doesn't want to help around the house. He does what I think is a minimum amount of chores, but the things that he is forced to do regularly he still grumbles or mumbles or heavy sighs. Just really poor attitude about chores. But the biggest latest thing was last Saturday when he threw a cup of water at my husband when they were arguing. What?????!!!!! He did what? If I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it. You did what?? Oh my gosh. I would have picked him up and thrown him out of the house except for the fact that a few months ago, my dh and I literally picked him up and tried to toss him out the door, but he bucked and my dh ended up with a fat lip. In the aftermath, we all agreed that if it ever got to that point again, we would all walk away and calm down. But it is oh so many things and some of them are my fault for allowing them to go on for so long. Ds has some bad habits, like sitting at the dinner table with his knees up touching the table. Or doing this really weird clicking of his fingers and flapping (yes, if you saw him you'd probably think he was autistic, it looks that odd), and the sound can drive anyone else crazy, but for him it's his way of relaxing. We've asked him to confine it to his bedroom, but he refuses. It's his house, he'll do it where ever he wants to. Other things, we've enabled. Like, even though he has an alarm clock, he doesn't set it and we wake him up (usually 2 or 3 times before he actually gets out of bed!!!). Summers are always worse because he doesn't have enough to do. I always seem to remember too late about summer job applications and then there are no jobs left. My dh can't stand being around him any more. This breaks my heart because my dh has spent so much time and effort to this boy who has always been a difficult child. Dh has gone above and beyond. But they are so much alike in temperament that it's just not good. My dh wants him out because otherwise it could get real ugly. I hope that we'll be able to make him accept the idea that getting some space from us will be a good thing. We are hoping to have him spend 2-3 weeks at an uncle's in DC. And then possibly get a dorm room and take a summer class. But it just might not go so smoothly. He gets lots of services at home: meals (made to order sometimes!), laundry, hot shower (with no regard to who else might be waiting to use the bathroom). He's smart enough to know that he might get lonely without all of us to kick around. So, if we have to we'll send him to a local aunt's house for the weekend. Maybe piece together a few other places for him to stay until the scheduled trip to DC. I wish he would listen to reason, but I've given up hope on that. That's always been my MO and that has gotten us into this position. Ugh. I'm just so sad about this.
And I realize that when I mention that he sits at the table with his knees up, this may sound like an extremely petty thing to get into a fight with him about. (It's very ironic too since when I met my dh, he used to eat dinner at the sofa and the table was torture for him.) But it's just one example of how, if I ask him to do something (or stop doing something), he does not. He has no regard for others. It's his way. If you try to explain and the explanation isn't good enough, then forget it. And HE is the one that is willing to cause fights over incredibly petty things.
Wow. That sounds very difficult! The phrase that comes to my mind is "My way or the Highway" or "My house, my rules." OK, so I don't have an adult living at home. My oldest is only 13. But it sounds like you have made it a little to comfortable for him. He's getting free room, meals, laundry service etc. without doing much if anything to get it. He's not helping around the house, he's not getting a job, or helping with bills etc. And he's causing you and DH aggravation on top of it! I guess my only advice would be to make life a little less comfortable. Don't do his laundry. Cook meals for the family, but if he wants anything special he's on his own. Explain that you are not his maid and he will be expected to participate "without complaint" if he is to live in this house. (Without complaint is a biggie in our house). Does he drive? Does he pay for his own gas? How does he get to school? Does he buy his own clothes? Does he buy his own toiletries? There are a lot of way to make life less pleasant for him unless he straightens up. He can say it's HIS house all he wants, but it NOT. It's YOUR and DH's house! Make sure he knows that. Subtlety, not fighting or yelling with him might be the way to make it work. I hate to suggest passive aggressive behaviors, but sometimes that the only way to get something done. Good luck and keep us updated! Edited to add, he does sound a bit Aspie from your description. Maybe your hubby too if he had similar behaviors? Not that that changes anything, but it might help you understand his behaviors if he is.
Yeah. Throughout the years, we've considered counseling for various things. But I've never been convince that giving him a diagnosis would improve his situation. I wouldn't use meds. And behavior-wise, I think we *get* him. I think we've been very understanding and worked with all his quirks. I just don't see the benefit. Although, I'd say, in the past year or so, we've sort of started gently mentioning the Aspie thing and said, hey, did you read that article? Do you see any traits you have? Just mentioned the flapping thing again yesterday and referenced Asperger's. Not happy
this sounds to me like something that has been building up over time not just this summer. Wow! First he is your son, second he needs to know the rules and stick to them. If they always been the rules they are still the rules. Summers are usually hard for teens or I should say kids in general. I have a 19 living at home and she is gem. Thank God.. never gives us any troubles does whatever we ask her to do. I was just wondering why is he just acting up now if nothing has change rule wise. Yes, he's a teen thats no excuse. He needs to know the rules. Does he do it at his uncle house?
Good question. Things have been building up for a while, that's for sure. I think we just can't stand it any more. There was an altercation a few months back that almost got physical. In the aftermath of that, we all decided that if we ever get in a situation like that again that we would all walk away and cool off. That's what I did when he threw the water at my dh on Saturday. First I yelled what the h*ll are you doing (first time ever in my life I've cursed in front of the kids), then I yelled for him to get out of the house. Then I remembered that's how the last altercation started (with us trying to physically remove him from the house). But then I yelled to all of us, EVerybody walk away! Five minutes later we were at it again, me crying and trying to appeal to his better nature, but then when dh started in, ds stood up and put up his fists (oh my gosh this is so not my family). Nothing happened. He's a little squirt. He could be taken down if need be, but we're not going there. Better for him to leave. But I believe he thinks he has won.
Update Okay, so tomorrow is D-day. Dh and I plan to take son out to Panera's for lunch. We're hoping that if we're in public, he won't make a scene. The plan is to calmly explain to him that for various reasons, we think he needs some space from us. We'll go into all the reasons, and then at the end, we won't be going home. We'll be dropping him off at his aunt's house. I've already packed his overnight bag. He doesn't know it. He's out of the house all day today shadowing a doctor, so I'm able to pack up some things. His drawers are so messy I don't think he'll notice that a few shirts are missing. After he spends a few days and nights at aunt's, then we'll all decide whether he can come back or not. I'm not optimistic. Plus, next Friday, he and dh and dd12 all have had plans to go to DC anyway. They will all still go to DC, but after that 2 day visit, ds19 will stay for two-three weeks. Or at least that's the plan right now. While he is down there he will be doing a combination of shadowing docs, touring, and working. At least that's the plan for now.
Well, it sounds like a plan. But I have to say, I agree with everything Ediesbeads said! So when he comes home: quit cooking for him, quit doing his laundry, quit getting him up two or three times instead of him listening for his alarm clock, quit taking him places, or quit buying his gasoline. And it IS your house, not his. Your obligation to him is DONE. You are not enabling him, you are DISabling him.
