This past week, I have had all of my nephews and nieces here on my husband's side of the family. Last night, my son and oldest daughter were going to stay at my SIL's house which is 2 doors down. I was looking forward to some peace and quiet (I've had 10 kids all week...the oldest is 11) and getting caught up on housework when my SIL barged through the door with my son by the arm. He was distraught and before I could ask what was wrong or what happened, she started cursing at me and said she was sick of Joseph and Brianna putting their hands on her kids! After she stormed away, I called Brianna in the house, calmed Joseph down, and their other cousin came in and they explained what happened. Their 8 year old cousin was taunting Joseph...he said he must be stupid because he's going to be home schooled; your fat, ugly mama is too dumb and stupid to teach you anything, etc., etc. After several minutes of taunting, my son snapped and started choking his cousin. Now, I don't condone violence in any manner except self-defense. My son has been bullied in public school and my DH told him that if someone hits you and you can't get help from an adult to hit back. This situation is different. My son said he was defending himself and his family. So after I figured out what happened, I gathered up the belongings of his cousin to take to my SIL. She kept on with how Joseph could have killed her son, and out of frustration I told her that my son felt the need to defend himself and that if she felt that badly about BOTH of my children then maybe they shouldn't be allowed to go to her house anymore and vice versa. She said, and I quote "You wouldn't be hurting my feelings any, we don't like you or your kids anyway." :shock: She slams the door in my face. Now my DH gets home, I tell him what happened, he goes over there to find out what's going on. My BIL (SIL and DH's younger brother) said he was going to have all the boys spend the night at HIS house and have them talk it over and settle it for good. Now this leaves me with what SIL said to ME. Should I let this blow over since we're all family for the sake of the kids, or should I keep my kids away from her and her kids away from us??? I'm hurt, but more for my kids than myself. My SIL and I have never been close and it's only coincidence that we are also neighbors. I'm praying about this, but would like to know what your thoughts are, if any. Thanks in advance!!!
If someone told me they didn't like my kids, I wouldn't let them near that person. And if someone cussed at my children, they'd never be welcome around us again! My SIL makes no secret of her dislike of Christians. She thinks they should all be killed for being a public nuisance. Since two of my children (so far) are Christians, I infer that she feels the same about them as she does about me. And they go nowhere near her.
I agree with Amie. I have learned that just because someone is family doesn't mean that you have to be near them or around them just because they are family. I have friends that I consider myself closer to than some family. I could never trust anyone with my kids knowing they didn't like them.
((((hugs)))) Family is a bit tricky. I wouldn't send my kids over to her house where they would be under her supervision. But I would go over there with my kids and let their kids come over as long as the tauting issued is settled. It makes me wonder what that kid overheard to say those things. But it is family so I wouldn't write them off altogether.
I'd have a hard time with this situation... My instinct would be to defend my kid, myself and my family, BUT... your son laid his hands on a younger child's throat and choked him. That's not "defending himself". That's a very serious offense, regardless of what the little boy said. I think I'd definitely give all of us a "cooling off period", and I'd be working on teaching my son some basic rules. Here's what I've taught my children (particularly my son, who has a temper like his Daddy). 1. If someone is taunting you, WALK AWAY. Your son was two doors away - he should have come straight home. 2. NEVER be the first person to make a fight physical. You do NOT lay hands on another person, until they touch you first. 3. Don't escalate the situation. My husband calls this the "principle of commensurate response", which is a lot of fancy words that basically means "keep a cool head and don't over-react". Or, alternatively, "Do unto others just as much as it takes to make them stop doing unto you, but no more than that." 4. Choking someone is a bad idea. Always! Just don't do it. Your SIL is right - you actually CAN kill someone that way, even if you're only ten. It doesn't take much to damage a child's larynx. Now as for what your SIL said to you... I wouldn't be hanging out with her socially any more, but since she's family I'd make an effort to keep things civil. I would not send MY children over to her house, but I would continue to make her children welcome in my home with one caveat - I'd watch them like a hawk, and send them home whenever they step out of line. The 8yo sounds like he might have a nasty streak, and your son has demonstrated that he needs to work on his temper. I wouldn't leave either of them alone together unsupervised. And take comfort from the fact that you are doing the best you can by your children. Whatever your SIL thinks now, the ultimate proof will be in the fine young people you'll raise.
I used to try really hard to keep my mouth shut and keep the peace within my family. It all came to a head a little over a year ago, when my mother called my brother who lives 16 hours away, and told him to come get my oldest because I didn't want him anymore. This was done behind my back, and never have I ever said I didn't want him, I have however many times said I wasn't sure how I was going to get through raising him as our personalities do clash. That is not a reason to just get rid of him though! I finally blew up over that and told my mother just what I thought of it, and she in turn told me how horrible of a mother I am, how she is sure I lied about my ex (oldests bio father who no longer has any rights to his own kid) beating me, about how I'm a failure because all I am is a housewife with a bunch of kids. I have't spoken to her in over a year, I have only conversed with my brother a few times in this past year and my sister a few times as well. We have pretty much cut all ties with my family, and let me tell you, it's been the happiest year of my life!!! I haven't been put down, haven't had to spend hours a day listening to someone go on and on about how this sibling of mine is doing so great at this and that, hearing how wonderful my 2 neices are (who are both only children and spoiled brats), how girls are so much better than boys (1 have 1 girl, and she is wonderful, but I have been blessed with 3 boys also, thank you very much!), etc, etc. I'm not sure how easy it would be to do if I had to live in the same neighborhood as any of my family. We live near hubby's family and they try to respect our privacy. Not sure how you keep the kids seperated living that close either, we have no other kids living around us at all really. I'm not sure if my way is the right way, but it's working for me and my family. Hope you guys can figure things out.
I appreciate your honesty. Of course my son did not get away with this, and I did tell him that he should never have put his hands on him and he should have either told his aunt or came home (I guess I should have clarified this better). My BIL took them to his house which is neutral territory for both boys to settle their differences. My BIL and DH are concerned that a feud like this can rip up the family. A similar situation happened when they were kids and their mother didn't speak to her sisters for years in what was once a close family. My SIL and I may not be that close, but all of our children are and I :love: all of my nieces and nephews dearly and treat them as if they were my own. I think I was more hurt that she would say that about my kids, but she was probably hurt and worried to the point that she didn't care what she said to me or my kids. My DH says I shouldn't keep my kids from her because she may not have meant it, but I'm not so sure. Where was she when this was going on? How did it escalate to this point? Maybe this will blow over and cool off, but I would still be uneasy to let my kids play at her house. These things never happen in my home!!!!
I can definitely see where you're coming from! I'd be uneasy, too. But it does sound like your husband and BIL want to patch things up, and I think I'd have to try to respect that. So... if I was in your shoes, I'd continue to welcome your SIL's kids into my home, and I'd let her be the one to issue an invite to my children, if she ever does! And it shouldn't be something the children arrange themselves, or your BIL, either. If the children say something like, "Can we go over to..." cousin's house, then my response would be, "Your cousin is going to have to ask his mum to call me. If she tells me it's okay, then it's okay." And if by some chance she DOES invite my children over, then I'd be drilling home to both my kids the message that if things get at all unpleasant or uncomfortable, I expect them to walk right home, immediately. No matter what time of the day or night it is. I won't be mad if they do, I'll be proud of them for using good sense. And I'd remind my son again of our rule, "The first person to freak out, is the first person to lose the fight." My son rolls his eyes when he parrots that back at me these days, but at least I know he's got it memorized! :lol:
I am curious about one point. You said that your SIL said that she was tired of your kids putting their hands on hers. That tends to sound like this wasn't a one-time incident. Have your kids been physically violent with hers before, or was she just spouting off in anger? Maybe, at least for a while, it would be better to only have your families mix in neutral territories where at least one parent from each family would be present to keep an eye on the kids and how they interact. Perhaps park days, bowling days, etc. might be better places than one of your houses for a bit.
One thing that I think is important is that this 8 year old little boy must be hearing these things from someone. He most likely wouldn't be saying such nasty mean things if he hadn't heard them from someone else. While it may or may not have come from your SIL, it sounds like she already had some hard feelings for you and your kids before this incident. I agree with PP that it is important to stay civil for family get togethers and such, but do you really want your son to be hearing on a regular basis such negativity? He 100% shouldn't have touched his cousin, but he also should not have to hear things like that about himself or you. I personally wouldn't ever send him over there again. Bullying and negative self-images don't only come from PS. I would be VERY careful in the contact that you and your son have with SIL from now on, now that you know this kind of poison is likely to occur.
Yeah, that kind of took me aback as well. I've never known my children to be violent, actually quite the opposite. My DH was trying to teach my son to defend himself from other kids that were beating him up at school. I'm not saying that this wasn't the first time at her home, but I'm sure she would have told me before if my kids were hitting her kids. Like I said before, this kind of stuff doesn't or hasn't happened here. My kids claim this is the first incident.
All valid points. But making sure your son learns to that choking someone can lead to criminal charges later in life. That anger needs to be dealt with in another more positive fashion. I agree he could have gone home. But sometimes little boys anger gets the best of them. They are kids. That said where was your SIL? Why would this arguement have escalated to that point? I am glad your husband is taking control of the situation and being a good support for you. I am sure it will be strained with your SIL for awhile. But as one Christian friend said to me lately when she was faced with a trying situation 'What would Jesus have done?' Ask yourself and be more wary of leaving your kids over there again. And I would also like to add I am so sorry you didn't get the peaceful evening you were wishing for and needing.
Thank you, lol. Because of all the hoopla, Brianna didn't get to spend the night with her cousins and she seems lost with Joseph gone. Then today, my 1 year old had her 1 yr check up where she received 3 vaccines and they had to draw blood to check for lead and iron level. She was stuck twice before they got blood. *sigh* Rest? Peace? What's that? :lol:
