My daughter has been invited over to one of her friend's houses for a birthday sleepover. One of the girls that is going to be at the sleepover was at our house for my daughter's birthday sleepover a little over a month ago. When this girl was at my house, she was a constant problem. She was manipulative. I would tell the girls to do something or not do something and she was very pushy me to try and get me to change my mind. She was dramatic, crying and shutting herself in a room if she wasn't the center of attention. She kept wanting to do things/talk about things that I find inappropriate for these girls ages (9-12). My daughter told me the little girl couldn't believe none of the other girls had kissed a boy. When the girl didn't realize I was in the room with them, she was talking about how to say breast in other languages. She wanting to play spin the bottle and truth or dare. I know some of these things are normal, but it was excessive in this girl's case.... like she's looking for trouble/negative attention. I do not want my daughter around this girl in any unsupervised situation. I do not trust this girl to be in a room without an adult. My gut tells me that someday sooner than later she's going to do something really bad, and I don't want my daughter to be involved or associated with whatever that will be. What do I say to the parent (that I don't know very well) of the child (that I really like) about why my daughter won't be going to her birthday/sleepover? I feel like all of my available choices are "the wrong thing" to do. Do I lie and say we have other plans? I hate lying... even white lies. I'm tempted to make other plans so I don't have to lie... but I'll still end up feeling like a liar. Do I tell the mother of the birthday girl the truth? I hate talking negatively about other people, and while I get a horrible feeling about this little girl, she is a child, which makes saying something negative about her feel even worse. I could leave the name of the little girl out, which I feel is my best option, but the mother will figure it out. What would you do?
Is your daughter particularly prone to "follow the crowd" or be influenced by "bad kids"? Does she admire this girl and consider her a role model? If not, if you think your daughter has got good sense, then I'd let her go. However, there are a few things I'd do first. 1. I'd have a chat with my daughter and role play how to respond to situations that are inappropriate or dangerous. I'd go over what happened at the last party, in detail. If she feels uncomfortable, what should she say? What should she do? I'd reassure her that it's perfectly all right to call and ask to come home. 2. Regardless of whether my daughter attends the party, I'd still have a chat with the mom, alerting her to keep an eye and an ear out for trouble. That's simple courtesy, not gossip. I'm sure you can plainly describe what you saw and heard at the last party without badmouthing the child. What is, is. The other mother can draw her own conclusions. I consider situations like these an excellent chance for my children to practice the ethics and behaviour we've been teaching them, in the real world.
I'm not a fan of giving reasons when I decline something. In this case, I'd just say, "Oh, I wish she could make it, but she's just not going to be able to! But we really hope she has a great birthday!" Then, leave it at that. If the mom asks why to that [many wouldn't], then you can always say, "We already had plans." That's not untrue; you already had plans not to be around that other girl unsupervised.
I completely agree with both answers. I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'm fairly certain I'd have a talk with my son (I have no daughters) about what happened and explain why I don't think it's a good idea to attend the party. I'd also give a lesson in gossip. If friends ask why he wasn't there, he needs to know that it's not his place to jump to conclusions or spread rumors about another child. Who knows... perhaps that other child has been abused or something?
