I have spoken about my ds (11 y/o) before. He has sensory auditory processing problems, might have some other issues, but have not found the right test to diagnose it yet. He HATES to read, write or do ANY WORK. His room is a disaster. He won't pick it up. He will put away the dishes each night, but beyond that he does ZERO chores. He was in school in 2nd and 3rd grade. In October of 4th grade we went to the school to meet the teacher and it was a disaster. There were 31 children in his class. The teacher was terrible. She told us the class was not listening and she needed to get the kids ready for the big state test. We pulled our ds out the next day. So he has been home ever since. At the end of last year we asked him if he wanted to go back to school and he said NO. The problem is that he hardly does any work for me. He argues with me all day unless i just leave him alone. He has not done any school work in over a month! I run a daycare in my home. Yes it is busy and loud, but I lay out his work and he can go and do it in a quiet place. During the 2 hour nap time, I can work with him on science, History, or any other subject. He won't though do any of it. Every time i ask him to do something, it is too hard, too long, too boring. He has been known to sit for over 2 hours and not do more than 5 math problems! (No I don't force him to sit there. He does get up to get a snack, bathroom.) He just does not want to do the work. Fast forward to last week. After over a month of no work we decided to put him in the school my dh teaches in. My dh would be there for him. They could do his hw before they came home in a quiet classroom. We told my sd that if he finished out the year in the school he would get a week at this camp that he really wants to go to during the summer. Well ds lasted 3 days! On Tuesday he would not do his hw with dh. He said it was too much work, it was stupid that he got work after school. When ds and dh came home, we spoke with him about his behavior. He cried and screamed and did his USUAL act. Life is too hard, he hates school, he hates work, he has no friends. This morning he refused to go to school. He did 28 math problems for me at home, and that is IT! He would not do any other work. We have tried bribery, with holding all things he loves, rewards, reasoning, screaming, yelling. He has thrown books at us, yelled, screamed cried. We could force him to go to school. There is this person that has offered to work with him throughout the day. The down side is, he would be labeled a difficult kid. Dh would have to worry about him throughout the day. We would have to carry him in his PJs to the car, the will probably try to jump out of the car. It would be tricky. We could keep him at home. I could lay out the work I expect him to do, then not communicate with him unless he came to me for help. He would not do most of the work. He would want me to help him with the easiest thing, right at the worst time of day. I would feel guilty for not teaching him anything and he would have to repeat the 5th grade. There would be a lot of yelling, because he would blame ME for not teaching him and I would wonder how I can teach a child that won't listen. So this was way too long. I am sorry. We are so unhappy. This is our fault that we let the situation get so out of control. What is the solution? Help!
Hi ((((HUGS)))) It sounds like you might need to get outside help for your son. Maybe he needs to talk to someone who can help him talk through things (a pastor or a psychologist?). Are there medical issues going along with the sensory/auditory thing? Maybe a medical doctor could help as well. I really don't know your family or your situation, so my advice is based on your post. I hope you don't take offense to anything I've written. My 8 y.o. son is sensitive/creative kid, who I have trouble with getting to do his work once in a while. Sometimes I have to try a different approach or explain it in a thousand different ways to try and get it to stick in his brain. Yesterday we had problems with math....one day he'll understand subtraction and the next day it seems foreign to him! It's like I'm banging my head against the wall! Today my son had a not so great day reading. He was stumbling on every other word! I wish you all the best with dealing with your son. again....((((HUGS))))
I think a look at positive discipline methods might give you some new strategies. It sounds like you've been focused on finding a punishment that works but it may be that focus on punishment that's an issue in the first place? A really good, practical and down-to-earth guide to this is Barbara Coloroso's book Kids Aer Worth It! Aside from that, what about changing your style of homeschooling for a bit? He may really need someone to stand over him if you taking a more formal workbook approach and giving him the work to do on his own may just be out of his reach at his age. Especially if he has some processing issues in the first place. What about unschooling for awhile? Read a lot to him, get some craft or building kits that you guys can do together, involve him in baking and looking after some of the younger kids you look after. Take a break from the formal stuff so you guys can work on your relationship some. Ultimatly that's the most important factor in all this anyway.
I just wanted to clarify..........Are you trying to diagnose this yourself or are you saying you aren't sure what to have the dr. test him for? What has his dr. said about his sensory disorder? A close friend of mine has a son with sensory issues and possibly asperger syndrom............He is younger than your ds, but they do have him in an early intervention program. What my friend is learning is that many reasons her son has some of the problems with following directions has to do with her. She is having to learn how to state things in a way that his brain can process. It may be breaking directions down---Instead of put your book away, it is "Go to the bookshelf and put your book on it". That may not be a good example but the idea is to break down EVERY action that needs to be taken. He also has a board that has all his daily activities on it and cutouts of people, when it is time to change activities he physically moves the cutout to the new activity.........This helps his brain change focus and connect with the new action taking place. I'm not saying this is what needs to be done with your son but that what seems like a cut and dry explanation to us is a confusing mess to a child with sensory and processing issues. I don't really have any definite ideas on how you can make this better but it seems you may need more help.......Ask your dr. who you can talk to about the special needs of children with similar disorders and find out what type of enviroment and instruction is most beneficial to them. I hope things get better for you!
Robin, As the mom of a 12 yr. old ds who is on the autism spectrum (Aspergers) it sounds like schoolwork shouldn't be your main concern right now. I'm not saying your son is on the spectrum or anything. BUt the sensory issues, obvious frustration he is showing with following directions, rage, etc. makes it seem like maybe he needs to be professionally diagnosed before you even think about school. Just my 2 cents.... but your son is crying out to you with his tantrums and frustrations - you owe it to him and yourself to figure out what his issues are so they can be dealt with and you can all start living a relaxed, happy life again. Doesn't that sound better than what's happening now? Find a developmental pediatrician, call your local autism chapter and find someone who can diagnose him. I think forcing him to go to school would be one of the worst things you could do right now -until everything gets a little clearer and settled unschool him -he can always catch up on schoolwork but for him to be so miserable seems a horrible way for you all to live. Jane
What does he LIKE to do (aside from laying around watching TV....which I'm assuming he DOES NOT do! LOL) Does he enjoy hands on things like legos/K'nex? Does he enjoy computer games? Is the work truly too hard? Could he be dyslexic? Or have a visual processing disorder like that? Maybe he needs a diversion. We have NEVER had my son formally diagnosed, but I feel he has sensory issues to some degree. He'll take an hour to work on 1 page...after a while, I learned that if I sat next to him and scratched his back...he worked just fine. We also found that if he listened to music while doing seat work (earphones...has to be right there)...it drowned out other distractions and made it much easier to work. My son still HATES seatwork, but he'll do it with less fight now. The other thing I noticed too is really spending time with my son outside of schoolwork, focussing JUST on him, playing a game, etc. If I spend a half hour a day with him, doing something (anything) that he picks...school goes much easier...Like I'm not just sitting him somewhere with a bunch of books and telling him to do it...Time is my son's language. I'm not saying that you're not spending time with your son, but maybe he's sensing he's missing something while you're caring for other kids in your home? Just thoughts...hope you find what works!
That is a good idea! Maybe your son needs more explicit directions. I know sometimes I have to break down directions for my son to very specific directions. In public school kindergarten my son's teacher said he didn't follow instructions, but her general (non-specific) instructions were extremely hard to follow (even for me as a volunteer) with other children being noisy besides. My son does better with clearly stated specific directions. If I'm asking my son to go get something for me I have to describe what it looks like in detail and exactly where he'll find it. It's usually easier for me to get it myself, but I know my son needs practice following directions and need practice stating them. For an example of non specific directions to my son is when my son was in homeschool swim n gym class the teacher asked the kids to get a ball out of one net bag, get a glove from the other net bag, go back to their space and start throwing the balls across the room. My son followed those directions. He did end up putting his glove on his normal throwing hand and throwing with his non dominant hand. The teacher never gave a direction on which hand to put the glove on and which to throw with. That confused my son. Those simple things really can throw some kids for a loop. I also have a friend who uses picture direction cards for her son. She has him flip to the next card after each one done. She said that has helped her son a lot.
I agree with those who suggest that the acedemic issues are secondary at this point. You need to find out what the health/developmental/psychological challenges are if any. In the mean time, unschool to a degree. Keep overall structure if you can, but take a step back and work on the relationships and behavioural issues as primary concerns. Outside help finding out what is going on is also a great suggestion. Consider all possible underlying causes and make changes as needed. Diet? Home Environment? Vision difficulties? Hearing difficulties? Medication Interactions? I will pray that you find the right answers soon for the sake of this child and the family as a whole.
I agree that right now working on helping him is more important right now then the school work. My son is bipolar and last year we didn't do a whole lot. We had 2 hospitalitions and his pdoc said that she thought his brain just can't handle school right now. The brain is working on all the other problem. We went the unschool route for a while and still do some. But this year has been alittle better, with help from his pdoc and meds. We still have our rough times, more then a day at a time. But at times my son ask for school work. It feels good to hear this. I know his brain is calming down some and he is more able to focus. But working on his bipolar became more important and still does at time. BIG HUGS to you and wishing you lots of luck!! Hang in there!
I too will agree with the putting the book work on the back burner, check with doing computer games that have learning emphesis, etc, work with him on his behavior issues and find out what is realy bothering him... I hate to say it but you may have to find a differnt way to earn a living... the issue could be he is jealous of the day care. I say this coming from having worked at one and at a preschool/k school as well as being a mom with two kids attending with me.. the kids get the short end of the stick no matter how we do it. I ended up quitting and homeschooling my kids and have very rarely felt as if I wished I could have stayed the way we were! Now, if you are insistant on him doing the school try changing his sleeping habits--- this is what helped my ds 11 to settle down a couple years back, along with a lot of prayer! We made him sleep earlier nights and he rose earlier with a clear head ready for school, but I would visit with him personally in the am first, give him hugs and things most kids that age are not so much into , but kids who act out usually are looking for good attention but dont know how to get it.... So, giving him the early one on one has been benificial , my ds11 still has his complaints about "I CANT DO IT" and such now and then but its a far cry from where it was! So I would have him choose what lesson he wants to do per day, keep it short, and fun .. like I mentioned above go with online lessons, videos for Science, and hands on projects for history! Get a library book with lots of pictures and have him make a castle from legos or clay or whatever to match one in the book. Then spawn his curiosity by allowing him to look up real castles in Scotland ! WOW There are so many cool things to see on those sites! We are studying Medival times in 6th grade this year so thats why I am speaking of these things.... my son loves history this year! He gets to do map work, so he knows what country we are studying and then he is getting to create things, mostly LEgos each lesson he creates a model of what we learned about practicallY! I read, he listens most of hte time, but when I cant do it I leave it to him to read and he is doing really well with it! I hope I am encouraging you with new ideas and fresh outlook! IN the mean time, I will be prayin' for ya! if you are okay with that, and Take a coffee break!
