I have a son who is 12. He's having issues with one of his very good friends. It's been brewing for a couple weeks. My son is the kind of kid that sees nothing different about people, color, creed, autistic, etc. I'm often told how awesome he is with other kids, how polite he is, how helpful, etc. He's a black belt in Karate, and is also allowed to assist in classes of lower age and belt rank because he has a special talent for being patient. Dealing with this one friend has been particularly heart breaking for him this week. This is also the ONLY person besides his own siblings that can make him feel the way he did tonight. Other people, he sloughs it off. This relationship is very close for him. His friend has also been through a lot of emotional problems/issues this past year - well, year and half at least - including cutting, etc. So, it is a "tender" relationship for my son, he treds very lightly and tries not to make waves and be as patient as he can be, but this boy knows what buttons to push. I don't want to make it out that my son is perfect and never, ever in the wrong, and we've talked with him about his wrongs in their relationship and how he dealt with them this week....but tonight was kind of an "icing on the cake" type night....and my son's heart and mind are very raw at the end of it. This boy is VERY special to me as well, as he was one of my co-op students, and his mom is one of my best friends, and I serve on the board at our coop with her. In our minds (and I believe in theirs as well), this is something we want to work out and have the boys work out...it's just raw tonight. I would appreciate healing heart prayers for my son, for myself, for my son's friend, and also his parents. That ALL OF US work together towards a solution that works for both the boys and helps mend the relationship. Thank you.
Sending prayers your way. Sounds like this boy really needs a friend, and your son is amazing to look past a few things that might scare others away. Elle has a similar friend, a girl we love to pieces in spite of her issues. One thing you might mention to your son is that sometimes when a good friend who has those kinds of issues is hurting....they'll hurt you, too...because they have a hard time dealing with the feeling alone and are in a weird way "asking for help" when they trust you with their anger. Of course....being on the receiving end doesn't feel so special. It hurts. It really stinks to have someone you care for lash out at you or hurt you unfairly. You son also has a right to step back and set a limit for what he's willing to let roll off his back. But sometimes with really troubled kids....if there's a stronger kid...who can endure some of the mistreatment KNOWING it's tied to their pain.....that strong kid can be a lifesaving anchor by just letting things roll off and treating them normally. Just to have one friend who doesn't "give up on you and walk away" can make a world of difference. There's a balance between being a good friend to someone who is troubled...and allowing yourself to be emotionally battered. Keep looking for the balance. Sometimes you can let a lot go...sometimes you have to set a limit. Set your limit with love. If the troubled boy figures it out and makes and effort to repair things, try to have an open heart to his efforts. Elle's girlfriend lived with us for over a year while her dad was dying, and her mom's boyfriend was driving her crazy. Her mother didn't think she'd graduate highschool. But guess what? She did. I am so proud of that girl. She's really grown and matured into a happier person with goals of her own. Was so proud of both of them at graduation! All this said....also be careful. 12 is an awful age. It can be volatile and dangerous. If you son can be trusted to make good decisions and keep a good head on his shoulders and say no when he has to...He'll do the other boy a world of good. If he's more of a follower, and can't say no....this might not be a safe situation for him. He might have to step way back from the situation for his own safety. Prayers for all of you. Good luck.
Krista, praying for your son and the other boy. He's very blessed to have a friend like your son. Tell your son that you're proud of him for being such a good friend, and that it's okay for a warrior to retreat for a little bit to rest and gather strength for the next battle, so he can return to it and continue and persevere. Back when I was coming up through the ranks and when I had my own dojo, a motto we used was "Live with sincerity (Makoto)." Perhaps he might find that useful. I hope this boy is in therapy. Cutters cut so that they can be in control of their pain.
Thank you for your prayers. He's had almost two weeks "off" from this boy. They will be seeing each other tomorrow at Karate for the first time. I've been in touch with the parents, and we're waiting and seeing how things continue. The boys parents are very wonderful. And very good friends (well, the Mom and I are good friends). My son is a little nervous about tomorrow and seeing him. I'm hoping it goes well, and am praying for it. The Mom and I are going to be at the karate studio where they take karate together. My son, actually, is assisting in the class (so he's technically one of the teachers, just doesn't get paid for it!)...praying it all goes well. Would appreciate it if you all pray as well. We have decided to stand back a bit and allow the boys to work it out. My son truly loves this boy, even though he feels very hurt. He's definitely better than when it was fresh, and I kinda feel like when he sees him tomorrow HE's not even going to act like anythings wrong. My son is an easy forgiver, usually. Anyway. Thanks.
I hope the parents seek help for this disturbed child. A good possibility he has a personality disorder. Cutting and "splitting" are very common first indications that come out during the teen years. These are signs that there is trouble and early help might make a difference. Monitor this friendship carefully. Your son might be experiencing some subtle or not so sublte emotional abuse from this other kid. Prayers Sent.
Just seeing this. Praying all involved are doing okay now. You are a wonderful example of a parent and friend.
Vantage, he IS getting help and is on several meds - anti-depressants, etc. I believe his diagnosis is bi-polar. We are taking things very slowly. They spent some time together at the pool the other day, and when the boy went into his "sulky" mode my son said "XXX you are my friend, and I can tell that you need some space. I'm going to go do this/that, when you're ready to hang again, I'll be there". And he went off and did something else.
