What do I say to those who say my child needs friends and won't get them by home schooling. In a nice way I am so excited and eagar for next year. I just know it will go well. It is when someone says "he needs friends". I get a twinge of quilt. It is just that the Public schools around here are NOT like it was when I went, at least not what I remember them to be. Then the Private school is just not affordable any longer, I never really cared for it anyhow. I want to be prepared for there future without spending all that money now. I know that in 'reality' you are not going to be put with 10-30 other people, the same age as you, for 12 years straight. I hear from the teacher; 'School is not the place for socializing, it's a time for working'. I have looked into home school groups around here. I probably will some more.
Usually if a comment such as that comes my way I reply with "why would you think that?" People make comments but generally when asked to actually think for the basis of such comments, most realize quickly that there was no foundation for the words they spoke of. Friends can be an issue if you are in a rural area and are not willing to drive to homeschooling gatherings. Or, if your children are not involved in any outside the home activities. My favourite homeschool get together is a weekly park and play. Open call to any family and the location changes each week. It is unstructured, hang out time when the kids can talk and get to know each other. We see a similar group of people each week. You may want to prepare yourself for comments that are not pleasing to your ears. We still get them and are in our third year. My mil still asks my husband, once per week, if the kids are in school yet and if not when will they go. We still have people surprised to learn that my children can read even though I am not a professional teacher!!! I didnt' teach any of them to read by the way other than by reading to them. So..my advice is never to get to the point where you are justify your choices. Just put the questions back on them unless they seem genuinely interested in the process of homeschooling. I find often seemingly well intended questions were just masked attempts at put downs for our choices. My usual comments are: "It is a great choice for our family" "Why would you think that, did you have a bad experience when you homeschooled?" "That hasn't been my experience" "Our family is very happy with our choices" I keep it short, simple and never defend our choices. Michelle
Hi Nellie, First of all, people who do not homeschool have no authority to say your children won't get socialization if they are homeschooled. Have they experienced that for themselves? Secondly, often homeschooled children get more "real world" social experience than those who go to school! When we go places and do things, my children are socializing with people of all ages, which is great experience for the "real world"! Homeschoolers are often more comfortable with people of all ages, so they're actually a step ahead in that sense. It's funny, cuz people think homeschoolers are missing out on that! We do quite a bit: a homeschoool class on Monday mornings, A scout type class and piano lessons on Tuesdays, Homeschool Strings, a Bible class with the pastor of our church, and gymnastics on Wednesdays, Dentist and Orthodontic appointments on Thursdays as needed, a Friday night program at our church, then weekends are church and a variety of activities. My oldest took a ski class with kids from a local Christian school this winter---so saying homeschoolers have no social life just doesn't pan out. I think they'll see how well your kids will do! HOmeschooling isn't all fun and games, and you'll have some baad days, but you'll also have some amazingly great days! I am one who believes wholeheartedly in homeschooling! However, I don't tell others they should homeschool, unless they're truly wanting to. If people ask me about it I tell them, "You don't HAVE to homeschool, but you CAN do it!" Did that make sense? Best wishes to you!
I point out that at our local ps they have what they call "level 0". That means the kids MAY NOT talk in the halls, bathroom, classroom, etc. If they do, they lose the chance to talk during the 25 min. they get for lunch. (The entire class loses out for one kid.) If a couple of kids act up in the cafeteria the entire room is put on "silent lunch". They can also talk IF they get their 15 minute recess, but the class has to earn that too. (And the weather has to be nice.) So, most days my son didn't speak to his best friend even though they were in the same class. (And they are both well behaved.)We pulled him out at Christmas and he sees/speaks to his friends more than ever because we make a point to do so. He also sees them at baseball, soccer, church, etc. And he has made new friends through our homeschool group and coop. We asked him if he missed seeing his friends at school and he said, "No, now when I see them I can actually talk to them." None of my daughter's friends were in her class this year so she doesn't miss them either. She has made better friends through our co-op and homeschool group than she had at school anyway. Terry
thanks These are so true. It is just that sometimes I get a comment, out of the blue, and I get to thinking... My child gets in trouble for talking at school once in a while. They want them to sit down and be quiet for 7hours. I am and have always been a homeschooler at heart. It just took my other half to realize that this is the time. I can't and won't put it off any longer.
Nellie, How do you answer that one? Well, unless you're stuck inside your home 24/7, 365 days a year (which I highly doubt) your child will be exposed to other children. That's a common phrase that we've heard as we embarked on the home school venture "He needs to socialize" was a common phrase that irritates me to no end. He is actively involved at church - lots of children there, he will be involved in sports (when they get going)lots of children there too. He has friends in the neighborhood, so in my opinion he has lots of opportunity to socialize. I had heard that so many times from the public school - but all the socialization was negative, so in a sense he wasn't losing out on much there. We now have more control on what he is exposed to. The socialization he is exposed to now is positive as opposed to destructive (like it was). I think that these comments are ways of people (who know little about home schooling) trying to discourage us - I'm not easily discouraged. Brenda
Socialization Honestly ... that line of reasoning that homeschooled children are deprived of socialization is about as old as the ark, man. When are they going to get some new objections? It bespeaks the same mentality that sticks elderly people in a "home" because it's "better for THEM." HORSEPLUCKY !!! It's the path of least resistance that brings relief from what would otherwise be a burden ... and that's the truth ... although few would admit it. Same with homeschooling. If I hear one more person tell me they don't think they'd have the patience, I'll clobber them. Like ... they had the patience to stay up most of the night with a baby and lose sleep for months, but they can't sit down three hours a day and teach their own child. Yeahhhhhhhh riiiiiiiiiiiight. There are nay-sayers for everything, but it's when they have to interject a snotty opinion that it goes overboard. Deena is right ... no one has the authority to say stuff like that to you. Press on, Kathe
My daughter has her "best friend" that lives around the corner and the boy next door, both of whom attend PS. She has another group of friends that are on her soccer team. She has another in her Homeschool Group. Then there's the kids at church (we're the only HS'ers there), and last there's the group of friends she has at AWANAS. We visited my parents' church one Sunday (where she attends AWANAS at), and she was instantly surrounded by her AWANAS friends the minute she walked in the door. My children don't lack for friends, even though they've never attended school. Oh, and don't forget her cousins!!!
I will have to get used to it Unless some of you read my other posts you would not know that I am currently not homeschooling. I plan on homeschooling starting next year. There are only three more weeks left in this school year for my child right now. I wanted to pull him out three months ago but my other half would not be happy about it, to say the least. My question or statement rather (I just noticed was spelled incorrectly) is referring to the comments I am getting now that people know my intention is to home school next year. So, I am not even home schooling yet...just planning on it and the commments are a comin'.
this is hard for "newbies"! Nellie, It's hard when you're new at this to know how to defend your choice. I remember having some of the same questions asked of me 6 years ago when we decided to keep our K-age daughter home from ps. I didn't know what to say either. Now, that same daughter is is ps; but we are planning to homeschool again starting as soon as this school year ends (just a few weeks! ) I'm not hearing those comments anymore. And, my mom, who used to be one of the people who asked them of me, is now defending homeschooling to people who ask her! Have you read the book "Homeschooling The Right Choice" by Christopher Klicka (with the Home School Legal Defense Council)? I got this book really cheap from CBD. If I may, I'll just quote him: "public school children are confined to a classroom for at least 180 days each year with minimal opportunity to be exposed to the workplace or to go on field trips. The children are trapped with a group of children of their own age with little chance to relate to children of other ages or adults......they are given little to no responsibility, and everything is provided for them....Actions by public school students rarely have consequences, as discipline is lax and passing from grade to grade is automatic. The students are not really prepared to operate in the home (family) or the workplace, which comprise a major part of the "real world" after graduation. Home schoolers, on the other hand, do not have the above problems. They are completely prepared for the "real world" of the workplace and home. They relate regularly with adults and follow their examples rather than the examples of foolish peers. They learn, based on "hands-on" experiences and early apprenticeship training. In fact, the only "socialization" or aspect of the "real world" which they miss out on by not attending public school is unhealthy peer pressure, crime, and immorality......" Everyone else, above, has really good advice. Don't let the comments of these negative, ignorant (because they're not familiar) people, make you feel like you're making a mistake. Good luck! Heidi P.S. If you read the rest of this book, you'll KNOW you're doing the right thing!
Re: I will have to get used to it Nellie, hang in there. It will happen for a long time to come. I get it all the time from people I work with, who, in my opinion, are commenting on something they have no idea about. One particular person is money focused (I'm not) and can't imagine why I would give up work to home school, but she's not in my shoes so it's not up to her... Brenda
Brenda- I know just what you mean! These kinds of comments come at me all the time because I stay home! It is like I don't do anything all day, just sit and eat bonbons, lol Things like; "Did you find a job yet", "Are you going back to work", "What do you do all day". Do I ask people what they do all day! NO! I guess I could say my job title is a variety of things: Mother, Wife, Chef, Maid, Banker, Entertainment Organizer... So, what I have realized by this specific forum...I get the comments already requarding the fact I am a stay at home Mama...so...now that I am adding one more title to what I will be doing, people will be commenting on that also. Now that it's all figured out I have no problem developing the same type of ritual I developed from comments about me staying home and applying them to homeschooling. Thanks all!
You girls must all look super intelligent. I'm constantly getting told I'm not smart enough to properly homeschool my daughter, even by my husband!! My mom is the worst one, though. The funny thing is, she's the first one to point out all the things my daughter already knows. Newsflash - I taught her those things!!
Nellie my daughter is only 2 1/2 and I have already had comments and looks. When asked about Kindy (Here in Australia kindy is what you call preschool, and preschool here is what you call kindergarden) I have told people we will be homeschooling. I have been told in a disaproving way 'whats wrong with our school' and 'She should go to Kindy so she can learn things'. Give me a break!!
I am so glad that my SIL blazed the trail before me. She has three girls(8, 6, 4) all homeschooled and smart as the dickens!!!! So DH's family is very comfortable about homeschooling. My family stays out of my life for the most part When I tell people that I plan to homeschool I get the same silly comments but I can come back with "I have a degree in Education so why would I want to pay someone else to do what I was trained to do?" Not that having a degree means a hill of beans, I've met plenty of ladies who know more about educating their children than a university can teach you.....LOL I think people really have the wrong idea of what PS is like now days. They remember having recess and time at lunch to play and visit with friends. Kids today don't have that, so where is the socialization???? Also, PS has only been around for about 100 years. So how did kids socialize before then? They had siblings and cousins and neighbors, etc.
I'm the "trail blazer" in my family. My mother thinks it's wonderful and is very proud of me for doing it, as is my "spinster" aunt. My one aunt, who very directly asked Mom at a family reunion when we started, "She isn't REALLY going to keep that little girl out of school, is she?" now has her own daughter HS'ing!!! (Though this wasn't through my influence; we live no where near each other, and have very little contact with each other!). DH's family, however, was't too pleased. His brother was a youth director at the time and EVERY HS'ed kid he's had through youth group has such difficulty fitting in, and ALL youth directors know this and...... Well, that brother has a little girl that will be starting Kindergarten this fall. There's a very good Christian school in the area (his former room mate is headmaster), but the cost isn't in the budget of an associate pastor of a new church. Public school is out of the question, so you wanna guess what his wife is seriously considering....? She and I had a nice talk about it at Easter, LOL! We're finishing up our 5th year, and my children are fairly "normal". No one says anything to me about it anymore.
I am a public school teacher and someone who can relate to why people say that homeschooled children need to have some social interaction with other children their age. The reason I can relate is because the only family that does homeschooling that I am familiar with did not let their children interact with anyone. These poor kids stayed at home all the time and never got a chance to play with anyone their age. Now after reading this thread, I know that there are tons of other families that homeschool that give their children chances to interact. I think it is great what you do and all the work you put into it. It is true that homeschool children (where they get to leave the house) get more experience than children in public or private schools. But that is only because we have to follow all those wonderful guidelines and budgets. The next time someone tells you that your children need friends, list all the activities that your children do that involve other kids. Then they will never ask again.
I copied this article from www.gomilpitas.com . They have great articles and I really, really like this one.. you should read some of their articles..it will give you confidence and make you laugh. This is different comments people had to socialization..some of the answers they gave.... Socialization: The "S" Word Dateline: 4/29/98 By Ann Zeise Email me about socialization questions or remarks you've heard and how you responded, and I'll add the most poignant or funny here. Please refer to the "Socialization" article when you write. "Aren't you concerned about socialization?" Most homeschooling parents want to tear their hair out if they hear this question one more time. I'm one of them. Note my bald spot. A tactic I use is to get the questioner to define what they mean by "socialization." You won't believe what I've been told that "socialization" means! Aren't you concerned about socialization? (regarding homeschooling) "Yes I am deeply concerned...that is why I homeschool" "How will he ever learn to fist fight?" I'll let him watch KungFoo movies or take karate lessons if he feels the need to learn how to fight. "He'll miss out not getting to attend dances." Miss out? I don't care if he doesn't learn "hot" dancing until MUCH later! Were school dances that much fun for you? "He won't ever learn to sit at a desk, raise his hand patiently, stand in line, etc." Somehow, these socially conforming gestures get picked up and used when necessary. My child didn't need 13 years of school to learn patience. "He needs to learn to cooperate in groups." Learning to cooperate within our own family is the best modeling, and then testing cooperative skills out in small, friendly groups in the community. As his skills increase, he'll eventually be able to cope in less harmonious groups. "Manners." Being around adults modeling good manners develops better manners than being around peers who don't have any. "At school he'd get to meet others of diverse ethnic and cultural backgrounds." But will he learn to respect and get along with them? Our son bases his friendships on common interests. He has come to respect people of all ages for who they are and what knowledge they can share together. He's oblivious to their skin color, backgrounds or age difference. "He'll be lonely without any friends." Friends are grown through time and effort during mutually beneficial and pleasant contacts. We have a friendly house where children feel welcome and safe. Constantly competing for A's does not make for great friends. "Does she know them all?" Hello! Reading your Q and A article on Socialization brought to mind a conversation that my husband had with his father when my daughter celebrated her 8th birthday with a slumber party. We had 12 little girls over the spend the night (insane, but that's another story). My father-in-law's question was, "Does she know them all?" HA! Nope, she homeschools and has no friends, so we just opened the phone book and started asking strangers to come to her party... My husband shared with his father that some of the girls were neighbors, some were homeschool friends, some were from 4H and Girl Scouts, and some were from church. It is so absurd that people think that the only place to make friends is in school. After all, I don't go to school, but I have friends! -:?:- Vicki H., Alabama "She won't understand that tattle-tailing doesn't work." Funny how righteously indignant homeschoolers still think that they have a right to protest, isn't it? They aren't used to back-stabbing, and I'm glad of it! "Teenagers! They are so rude and disorderly! Racial gang warfare, *** too young, drug and alcohol abuse!" Haven't government schools done a wonderful job of socialization? "He will miss out on walking the halls and the being with the lunch table group." He'll get to run in the park and have lunch at one of the picnic tables during park days weekly. "What will he do? He will miss out on high school football and playing baseball." There's Little League, Bobby Sox, and Pop Warner Football, if that's what he wants to do. Most likely, he'll choose some sport he can do his whole life long, such as skiing or rock climbing or roller blading. "I met my girlfriend in high school and he won't have a chance to meet girls." Some of the nicest girls homeschool! Mom at a teacher's conference: "Could you give her some more challenging work, she's bored at school." Teacher: "She just has to learn to deal with being bored at school, that's how life is and she needs to adjust to it!" Saddest remark? Your son is just going to have to get used to being picked on and learn how to deal with it better. - Cathy This is one comment I got: "You have to let them go sometime." (My daughter was 3. I thought, how about if I let her go after childhood?) Regards, - Jill "Don't they want to have friends?" I met a lady and was talking to her at a cub scout meeting for my son. She was asking questions and saying she felt that academically homeschooling is the best option but she has concerns about socialization. She then asked "Do they like to homeschool?" I said, "Yes," then it was, "Don't they want to go to public school?" "No," was my reply. Then she said "Well, dont they want to have friends?" I was so mad. I looked around: we were at a pack meeting, a very relaxed, fun one. Every one of my children was playing with friends, other kids they see in other settings! I said, "They have friends! They are not out there playing alone are they?" I was so mad and shocked, I had to walk away. What child would not want to have friends? Why can't they make friends outside of school? It amazes me that someone would actually think a thought like that. Thanks for listening to the rant! Jae I am a stay at home Mom, I homeschool my 3 boys. This is our fourth year. The socialization question comes up constantly in conversations. I tell people, my kids do not learn prejudice. They do not pick up bad manners. They do not have to fear. They do not learn to fight, nor do they miss out on ridicule from peers. My 5 year old is "peach" and the kid down the street is "brown" and amazingly enough, so is his whole family. They do have interaction with others, of their choice. Frankly, they are more educated than the public school kids, and their interests are not the same. I tell people about my house being right next to the bus stop and how I hear elementary kids getting off of the bus and how they talk, it is shocking to hear an 8 yr. old curse at the bus driver. I encourage them to venture out to meet other kids, but they would rather amuse themselves, they have each other. They tell me other kids are mean. I have much more on the subject of Homeschooling. I do get stressed at times. I have a 5 year old, 8 year old and 11 year old. My 11 year old is reading on 11th grade level, 8 year old is on about 6th grade level and 5 year old is just starting. Thanks for your time, Sheryl "You must not have any friends; I bet you get lonely." As for questions that people ask and how we respond, my eighteen year old son did a pretty good job while at the dentist getting his teeth cleaned. When the hygienist learned that he was homeschooled, she commented, "You must not have any friends; I bet you get lonely." Appalled at the rudeness of her remark, he replied, "No, I don't have any friends.... you're my only friend." Well, needless to say, he took a beating on his gums. For once, though, I didn't scold him for being witty. My son is known as the "social butterfly" in our homeschool area. On his own, he has gotten involved in virtually every youth group in the area, volunteers to help set up and clean up at these groups, and also plays his guitar as part of the worship teams for these meetings (by the way, he is a self taught and quite accomplished pianist, guitarist, and bass guitarist). He has many friends who were not homeschooled who have been thoroughly "socialized," with many regrets. He is always telling me how grateful he is that he was homeschooled and never had to deal with the issues that some of his friends had to deal with at such young ages. He is a very confident young man, as well as very respectful of those in authority. I have no regrets, and my biggest compliment and assurance that homeschooling is best for kids, is my son's appreciation of this choice his parents made (as well as my other children's). Thanks for a great website! Amelia "Aren't you afraid your boys WON'T fit in and be with the in crowd because of what your doing to them?" My neighbor came to me the other day and saw me working with my boys and asked to speak with me so I walked over to where she was standing and listened to what she had to say...<All the while knowing something I really didn't want to hear was going to come out her mouth> She said "Aren't you afraid your boys WON'T fit in and be with the in crowd because of what your doing to them?" I said to her with a smile on my face and a very calm voice "Aren't you afraid yours will?" Well, she looked at me with wide eyes and made a grunt noise like a bull, turned around and walked out of my garage.. Just wanted to share this with you Stacey She informed me that I really need to expose my kids to more germs on a regular basis so that they don't get sick "when they are around people." Great site. I've been homeschooling my 4 kids since birth. My sister, always quietly criticizing my choice to homeschool recently made this remark. After letting her know that my kids got sick over the holidays, she informed me that I really need to expose my kids to more germs on a regular basis so that they don't get sick "when they are around people," I have yet to respond. Maybe others would also find that comment amusing. Thanks, Judi D
I posted the above, forgot to put my name..... Also, I believe that real relationships are of all ages and socialization is very important. We socialize at church, with family, in playgroups and have lots of friends of all ages. And the good thing is it mostly all positive socialization that will hopefully build a great foundation... What about socialization? Yes, what about positive socialization?? I don't want my child to be socialized in the way the world precieves it, in negative situations with a public school that can't mention God, where adults can impose their morals and values on my children rather than my own and children can impose their behaviors on my children...teachers and children are teachers...because we learn what we see and repeat and I want to be the greatest teacher in my children's life..not the child down the street. kay
