Ok, I know there are others here with Aspie kids, and there are others who have strong-willed or difficult or whatever you want to call it kids. I really need help on how to deal with things here, I'm on the verge of saying I can't do this and giving up I'm feeling very very broken right now. Reagan, who we are 99.9% sure is an Aspie (dr agrees with us, and also agrees with us that we do not need an actual diagnosis since it isn't "treatable" and he is homeschooled), does not care for school. I can get him through some each day.. but usually not a ton. Some days he will have a total melt down, and lately, they have been happening daily Friday, he had to write one simple sentence about what came next. I told him all he had to write was "The boy fell." I had had to walk him through a million steps to get to the point of saying that the boy tripping was what would happen next after looking at a picture of a boy running towards a big rock. He had this huge meltdow, writing that simple 3 word sentence never did really get done. First he scribbled on his page, I sent him away to calm down, brought him back about 10 minutes later and he decided he still wasn't doing it and tore up the page. I finally wrote the sentence myself on a piece of notebook paper and he was to copy it. He scribbled part of it and I knew I better not push any further. YES, he had given me the answer... we had figured it out together, but he was supposed to write it and I do not ask for much writing from him to begin with. Today, we started a little unit on economics. We watched a video on BrainpopJR about Wants and Needs. I decided it was a good crafty kind of lesson so I told them to fold construction paper in half, label it wants and needs and find 5 things in magazines for each side. He first refused to fold the paper in half the way I showed them. Then he refused to write "needs" on the one side of the line once he did finally get the paper folded. He cut out one picture and glued it on, then I don't knwo what happened but he threw the biggest fit, tore up a bunch of magazines insisting that he didn't want to do it and didn't know what I wanted him to do (ok assignments like this are not hard, and we have done similar things in the past, so it's not that he didn't know how, he just did not want to do it). Before the magazines got torn up, I did tell him I was going to take a ticket if I had to tell him to complete the poster one more time... he tore up his tickets! (Tickets are a new thing we are trying here, you can read about them in my supernanny book thread in other convo.) I sent him to his room, and Rylee cleaned up the magazines. When I let him come out he asked if he was done with school, I said no, you haven't completed your poster. He then insisted he didn't know where magazines were. I reminded him where to find them and he went and tore more up all over the living room. So... how do I deal with this? He had told me before we started the poster what wants and needs were... should I call that good enough? I'm just feeling like I'm clueless here. He is getting horrible lately! Hubby says if it gets too much he will have to go to PS which for kids like him is a total nightmare, I have to figure out how to make this work properly. It has been bad since we had our Christmas break. I have decided once I figure it out, we will have to start schooling year around, I'm not sure we will take any days off really.. not even weekends since they seem to make Mondays a nightmare for me too.
I was just thinking of Josies "media punch cards". I think this is something I could incorporate into school.. and it may help Reagan stay on task and get his work done, like it or not. I'm thinking if I told him he would get 1 punch for every 10 minutes that he worked hard on his school work, and for each punch he would get 5 minutes of media time, he may focus. I do worry how I handle if he outright refuses to do something like today.. how do I use the card for that. I know I need to focus on his good behaviors for him to keep moving along.... but bad behavior has to have a conseqence too.
I'm thinking...but one thing right off for this particular situation is that I would have left those magazines right where they were. Once he was allowed out of his room, the first thing he would have done is clean up the magazines, then finish poster. If he refused, then back to his room. No arguing, no anger, just that's how it will be. Whatever else he wanted, my answer would be, "As soon as you finish picking up the mess and making your poster, then you can_________". The first few times, it may take many, many times of going back but if you can hold out, it will get better. Also, I think maybe your rewards system needs to be more immediate, especially if it's new. Rather than have him collect tickets to trade for something later, make the reward something he can have RIGHT NOW. I'm not sure what he likes, but it could be as simple as "when you finish your poster, you can play outside for 10 minutes (or play the Wii or color or whatever...). Then, combine that with what I said at first. No matter how long it takes him to finally pick up the magazines and finish his poster, he gets the promised reward, immediately. It's hard and takes a lot of energy. Give it time. Hang in there!
There was no way Rylee could move on with school with the mess he left, he did end up with a big mess to clean later. He spent all afternoon sitting here until dad got home. Dad offered to help him make his poster and well typical of kids like him, there was no way he was going to do it, he had decided he wasn't and well he wasn't. So hubby got creative and turned it into going through an entire magazine and Reagan had to tell him if each and every picture was a want or a need. It served the same purpose. Batman's Wife has helped me quite a bit with a more immediate kind of way of rewarding. I'm going to get to work on it tonight and hopefully I will have it mostly done by tomorrow. I'll try to post pictures once I have it all worked out
I didn't accomplish my chart, no sooner did it settle in the house and WHAM! I get slammed with a migraine strength headache. I got control of it fast, but still feel whiped out.
I don't have an Aspie, but I have strong-willed child (SWC). I'm not sure what works for us will work for you, but I'll tell you about it anyway....maybe some of it will help. Sometimes, just switching gears and coming back to something helps. (though I know that's not always possible.) For my SWC in a situation like you described with the wants/need poster the first thing I do ask myself, is this worth fighting over? (pick your battles) Of course, I'm notorious for picking the wrong battles! LOL but I'm working on it. Then, if it's a battle I want to fight, I've learned with my SWC, trying to force him, threaten him, all that, usually doesn't work. The trick to getting him to do what he's bucking me on is being very calm, loving, hug him, let him sit in my lap, talk to him, rather than open with possible punishment or threats. Once I mention a punishment, it's either an immediate change in attitude and obedience or he shuts down and digs his heals in harder. My SWC has to know the why, and it better be a good one. My SWC needs LOTS of attention and physical touch (hugs, kisses, back rubs, hand holding, etc) to feel loved and comply with my requests he's not fond of. Also, sometimes asking why he doesn't want to do it...will blow your mind! LOL the answers give give, how their mind works. It might be the smallest thing that they just don't mention that can circumvent the meltdown (this is SUCH a hard one for me to remember to use!) Like maybe he wanted a different color construction paper or wanted to use a different pencil. Maybe you folded his paper crooked. Who knows, but finding out can often times save the day (of course I find out AFTER the 30 minute melt down LOL) Do you know anything about The Five Love Languages? It's been so long since I read it, I can't remember the whole book I think it might be Christian based, but I don't remember it being so Christian that you couldn't ignore the religious parts and walk away with lots of good tools to use.... You can probably get it at your library. There is an original and one for you to learn about children's love languages (they are the same 5 languages and I haven't read the children one) There is also a lot of info on the internet for free, if you don't want to buy it or your library doesn't have it. There is a free quiz online you can print and take- http://crcpeninsula.org/Love_Languages_Children_Guiz.pdf I say all that to say-when my SWC gets bent out of shape, the quickest, easiest, most stress free way for everyone is for me to speak to him in his love language. Also, a timer works wonders for my SWC. Would probably also work well with an aspie. My SWC HATES to do chores. One of their chores is unload the dishwasher daily. It usually takes them 4 minutes. (we timed it) Ever since then, he's much more willing to help unload the dishwasher. If he protests, I remind him that if they work together and don't dilly-dally it wont' take them 5 minutes. For cleaning his room, I set this timer for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. He knows how long the request will take-so it doesn't seem like it will take forever. (and the timer we use gives him visual and auditory cues to let him know time is winding down-totally worth the price! I looked it at for months before buying it, and it works so well, I wish I had bought it sooner.) We use the timer for everything. Knowing things won't take forever and knowing how much time he has left to do something 'fun' avoids meltdowns when the fun time is over and turns into 'something-I-Don't-Want-To-Do' time LOL I also got this MP3 for him for daily toys and living room clean up. (but that's a bit off topic LOL) But it works wonders for us. (and sorry if this is hard to read-typing while on the phone-so I'm very distracted LOL)
I have a grown-up Aspie, and I would love to give you some advice, but honestly I believe I've blocked some of the more dramatic moments in his childhood! I'm really not kidding. He absolutely loved doing school so we never had that battle. But I vaguely recollect thinking I would never survive this kid. Then one day, he grew up. So even if I'm useless with advice, I can tell you that it doesn't last forever. I do know we had some sort of in-home trainer who came once a week and taught us how to channel his meltdowns and how to "mainstream" and function in society. I just know it worked and he successfully holds down a full time job with no difficulty and is soooo pleasant to be around. One battle at a time, momma! Oh, and I just have to say, his attitude and inability to cope got worse when he went to ps, I know you know this, but you might show this to your dh as proof that home is so much better for these kids. I wish I had kept mine home longer and not given up and given in to the ps.
My 7 year old is an Aspie, and he's also an extreeeeeeeme perfectionist. I do mean extreme! He, like any Aspie, is so driven by rules that he makes up his own strict rules for every.little.thing. He sets himself up for failure, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I give him an assignment that should take 2-3 days to finish, he'll insist that he's going to work non-stop until it's done the first day. Oh... did I mention he's also ADD? Yeah, he can't keep his attention on anything unless it's one of his quirky hyper-obsessions. When he doesn't finish the 2-3 day assignment in one day, he has a total meltdown, calls himself stupid, hits himself in the head repeatedly, sends himself to his room, takes away his own xbox time, etc. He has a problem with procrastination (partly because of the ADD), and that only makes the situation worse. He can't focus. I also have a 4 year old who is as stubborn and aloof as they come. He's defiant and loveably silly in the same moment. He's daring, and even if he gets badly hurt, he'll pick right up and do whatever it was for a second or third time. We used to have a saying, "let him do it once, and he'll never do it again," but that does NOT work with this child!! ER visits, staples in the head... he doesn't care. With both of them, no matter the situation, the first thing I do is get their undivided attention in a controlled environment, preferably where no one else is watching so that they're not humiliated. I take them to a quiet room and close the door. I explain that the feelings they're having are fine, but the way they're acting on those feelings isn't fine (and of course, I use specific language that goes with whatever they're doing at the time so there's no confusion about what they felt or did). I just have to keep telling myself it'll get better. I don't want to use medication (especially on the older) if I don't have to. If he were in PS, I'm certain he'd need it, but I'm just not willing to go that route yet. They're wonderful kids, and I love them exactly the way they are, but they're very challenging at times. They crave stimulation/challenge (older) and attention (younger). I'm not sure if anything I said was helpful, but I understand. I agree with tiffharmon2001, though - I make my kids calm down and fix whatever they messed up before they're allowed to do anything else. The stubborn younger one has gone to bed without dinner just one time, but the older never has. Heck, the younger has even asked for spankings to get out of whatever it is he's supposed to be doing (doesn't work, because I know spankings don't affect him). If I say, "you're not doing anything else until ____ is done", I want them to know I mean it. If I give empty words, they'll walk all over me. I just stay calm and consistent, and I stand my ground. Eventually, they'll cave and respectfully do whatever it was they should've done in the first place. (I don't put up with attitude, either. Doing a job with an attitude is just as bad as not doing the job at all, in my book.)
Oh no! Get your rest. I'd love to see pics of what you end up coming up with. It doesn't have to be my idea....you seem very creative.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice either because I'm still trying to figure out how to handle Miss 6. Reading your post was bittersweet, it's a relief that I'm not the only one going through this, and it sucks too.
Something else that I thought about last night was that maybe his meltdown was because he was overwhelmed by going through the magazine. Having to look through many pages with many pictures is a big task maybe it was just too much at once. For a similar activity next time, maybe just give him a page at a time to look at. Or, you could go through ahead of time and cut out some pictures, then just give him one at a time and let him glue it on the correct side. I agree with what someone else said, try to find out why he doesn't want to do it. They can't always explain it to you without some coaching. When he starts to get upset, remove him from the situation as much as possible-to another room or even just away from the table where he's working-and ask him what's wrong. Sometimes you'll be surprised by the answer. Ds7 was about to have a meltdown yesterday while he was loading the dishwasher. I brought him into my room and asked him, "What's the problem?" He said, "I'm getting really frustrated because I can't get the bowl to go in right and the dishes make squeaky noises that hurt my ears." I never would have thought about the noises from the dishes until he told me. So I told him to ask his sister to help him get the bowl in and finish loading and that he was almost finished and the noise would be over. I think once he was able to voice that the noise hurt his ears, it helped him handle it better because he didn't complain about it when he was doing the dishes later. Hope you have an easier day today!
Thanks for all the input. I know, without a doubt, public school is not an option for this kid. Heck, the school labeled Garrett as a problem child in K because he once fell out of his seat and he would chew on his pencil and according to the teacher, chewing on your pencil is a distraction to the classroom. I can't even imagine school life for Reagan! I was really hoping today would be better, but as soon as he got up and I asked him to please go change his clothes, he went into instant defiant mode. Josie, I love that timer! I think I may need that one!
I thought of something else this morning. My aspies (not diagnosed, but pretty for sure two of mine are) are rule followers, big time. Our workbooks and my teacher's guides have saved me with them many times because it takes me out of the argument. For example, this morning ds7 didn't want to write his spelling words. But I pointed out in the workbook that "the books says you have to write your spelling words 1 time each." Argument over. It was a rule, so he had to do it. If it had just been mom saying he needed to do it, it would have been a fight. If you have a project like the magazine one, would it help if you wrote the directions out for him? That way, it's a "rule" not just something mom said. It might help with chores too, like getting dressed this morning. Make him a little check sheet with things like "get dressed", "brush teeth", "eat breakfast"... Our chore charts have been such a blessing! It takes me out of the equation and saves lots of arguing.
