we are doing courtship as well. dating at 13, uhh, no. dating at 18, uhh, no. now courting at 18, that all depends on the guy, my dd maturity, etc. we truly believe that dating is seen as a game, and that is not how God intended it. we also believe that every time you bc involved with someone, you give a piece away. we have alot of baggage from our relationships prior to us meeting and getting married. so that is what we hope to spare our dc. my oldest is almost 9, and we have taught her this from the begining. she agrees with us, and is understanding, at least as much as an 8 yr old can be. it is funny, a month ago our pastor was kidding around with her, telling her "you probably have lots of boyfriends, lol" and she got so uncomfortable, and didnt know what to say, i just nudged her and laughed saying "he's teasing, lol!", but later she said "mom, doesnt he know we are doing courtship?" well, i had to laugh, bc i think she is so mature for her age, and i love her so much, and i just keep praying for the boy that God has planned to someday be her husband. he is so lucky to have her! by the way, for those of you who are also planning/doing courtship, do you ever worry about there not being any other young adults in your dc lives that have followed the same path when it comes to relationships? we live in such a rural area, and i only know of 1 other family that is following this type of raising for their dc.
I don't worry about it. It is pretty common in our church. Not everyone, but a large majority teach courtship. LR
I'm so in the dark about courtship. Are these kids never allowed to be alone? Is it standard that they not even be able to hold hands before marriage? I'm all for keeping the intimacy to a minimum, but from what I've looked up any physical contact seems to be an absolute NO. What happens if they get married and realize that they don't like each other privately? What if they really miss a person who is more compatible? If I ended up married to my high school sweetheart I would be miserable. We were very good Christian kids who were saving ourselves for marriage to each other...thankfully that never happened. He is living a life in missions and it would have driven me crazy to live in the places he's served. Thank God he met a wonderful woman in the mission field and they are perfectly blessed to continue serving the Lord together in this manner. I guess that if we had been in a courtship with our families and strict rules involved we would have felt no choice but to be married. How do you know you're not creating a situation for your kids that's more of an arrangement rather than a choice they get to make? Please don't think that I'm making negative judgements. I'm sincerely curious with lots of questions.
Good questions, Bleigh! This is slowly becoming an issue for us, as Rachael is 15. Basically, the kids are expected to spend a lot of time with each other's familly, so the family gets to know them and understand them. I assume they spend time alone together, but in public ways. No all-alone-make-out-time. Like sitting in a room alone talking with doors open, with parents/siblings in the other room (and possibly in and out). And Dad isn't going to "force" his little girl to marry anyone she doesn't want to marry! But Dad is also in a better position to assess a guy's character. He can see things that she can't, and can understand the potential dangers. Dating and breaking up again and again is, in a sense, practicing divorce. The bottom line, if you don't believe in courtship, is only to date someone you are really serious about marrying. And how many teens are serious about marriage? Some THINK they are, but usually that's just immaturity speaking. Courtship's goal is to not get involved unless you mean it. When Carl first read the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" a few years ago, he told me straight out how impractical it was in today's society. I listened, and then let it drop. So about a year later, he got in a discussion with my mom. I guess Rachael had brought the subject of dating up when she and her dad were alone in the car, and mentioned this to me. Mom said, "You're not going to let her date until she's 16, are you?" And, to my utter amazement, Carl told Mom that Rachael wasn't going to date AT ALL, that we were going the courtship route, and then explained to her all about it (!!!). What brought the change, I sure don't know, but it's fine with me!!!
Is the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" a good starting reference with dealing with kids and courtship? We still have several years before we even have to think about it but I think it's great to be prepared way ahead of time for certain things. Heck, we've already decided they won't be driving anywhere alone until they're 18...determined that before they were even born.
BLeigh, I havent read it, but have heard him on focus on the family. i do have the book, just havent had time to read. i believe from what i know of it, that it would be a good way to start. You know, all the fears you stated, i have those same fears, but yet, im trusting in the Lord to bring us the right person for each of our dc. And maybe for some of our dc, they stay single for a while, there is really so much more a person can do for Christ when they dont have a family of their own. So yes, those are definate fears, we have never known anyone to do this, and have only been involved in dating scheme, so this will be totally unchartered territory. Our family is going to think we have lost our minds, ok. Literally, im not kidding, we will be lucky if they dont call dcfs on us for abusing our childrens social life!! but tht is in the Lords hands i try not to worry about it, my oldest is still young, almost 9!!
My dd13 has some friends that have recently turned boy crazy. One of them is 12 and in 7th grade. She is nuts about this one boy and her mother is encouraging it. At the football game last week her mother took a photo of the boy (without him knowing) on her phone and then printed it out on the computer and gave it to her dd12 so she can carry it with her. I think the whole darn thing is beyond sad. For this mother to be encouraging her dd and to be taking photos is just creepy. So Sam tells me this morning that the boy found out her friend likes him and asked her out and she said yes. I asked "where did he ask her out to? a dance?" Sam said she has no idea but was going to ask the girl. Then my very sweet child said - "well if some boy ever asks me out I'm gonna say where do you plan on taking me and does your mother know you are asking me out?" She said she couldn't believe that any mother would be ok with the behavior of her friend.
Since I had my oldest at 17, I am a firm believer in telling both of my dd's not to follow in my foot steps but learn from them. I didn't date a whole lot nor did I have a bunch of boyfriends but I did meet my dh in high school we've been together ever since and we now have 3 kids together. At this point neither of my girls are interested in boys in anything but friends, which I'm grateful for. But when it comes to the time that she wants to date, hopefully when she's 30 or so....lol. I hope she'll ask us for our opinion but in the end this will be someone she has to live with and she'll have the ultimate decision.
We will allow our dds to date at some point, just not 13. My husband would think I lost my mind if I suggested courtship. Like rhi said I hope my girls will ask my opinions when they do begin dating but I also hope that by that point I will have instilled morals and values that they will choose to uphold on their own. Thankfully my dd13 has no interest in boys beyond friendship. We will allow her to go to the school dance I am chaperoning with a boy if she wants to but she says she wants to go with a group of girls from drill team which I think is fantastic! I have tried to teach her to focus on school and friends and being involved in the community for now. There will be plenty of time for boys later in life.
[quote＝mamaof3peas；] we truly believe that dating is seen as a game, and that is not how God intended it. we also believe that every time you bc involved with someone, you give a piece away. we have alot of baggage from our relationships prior to us meeting and getting married. so that is what we hope to spare our dc. my oldest is almost 9, and we have taught her this from the begining. [quote＝Jackie；] Dating and breaking up again and again is, in a sense, practicing divorce. The bottom line, if you don't believe in courtship, is only to date someone you are really serious about marrying. Good points MO3P's and Jackie. Below is an interesting article/object lesson that I read a while back in regard to the heart and dating. The Essence of Dating In "the dating game," with each failed relationship, one becomes less able to trust, his word becomes less trustworthy, even to him/herself, having said "I love you (forever)" but not followed through with it. Dating actually conditions us to operate in a "trying you out" mode: "If it doesn't work, then just break up." This, in turn, prepares for divorce. Here's an analogy that illustrates the essence of dating: Christian and non-Christian kids, homeschooled and non-homeschooled alike can identify with it. Cut out a heart from construction paper. This represents the heart of an average teenager. He or she may have a relationship that lasts a few weeks, months, or years; they may or may not "go all the way"; they may just "casual date" with several, or become serious and "somewhat physically intimate" sharing hopes, dreams, and becoming very emotionally attached with just one. No matter what, each ended relationship tears large or small pieces out of the heart, leaving scars, losses, and memories that will last forever. What will be left when they finally meet the person of their dreams? In some ways worse, what will be in need of being healed and mended? Even though we realize and teach our children that "all things are possible through God," it is also a scriptural principle that we "reap what we sow." Once we become intimate with someone, emotionally or physically, those memories, not easily erased, stay with us forever. Are we able to happen upon people of the opposite sex from our past without embarrassment or shame? A relationship is at a great disadvantage if it cannot be entered into with a whole, unbroken, unscarred heart. I have actually used the construction paper heart as a teaching tool with my children to help illustrate how in a relationship you give away a "piece" of yourself. LR
This is what we will be teaching as well. I have many reasons for this, not just Biblically (even though that is a part), but also because I want my children to learn from the mistakes that I have made in my past, and hubby's. At 13, honestly, having a dating relationship (if you can call it that) will not teach them anything of worth for their future relationship with their spouse. Not when they are this young. We haven't decided on an age where we will allow our sons to court/date a girl, but I guarantee you it will not be this young. With that said, I did always have a few close male friendships growing up. A few of them today are still very close friends of mine. I see nothing wrong with being friend's with the opposite sex at this age, as long as they are "being watched". The male friend's I had growing up were actually a big part of my life...some more than my girlfriends...and they are like brothers to me still.
Besides, Rachael doesn't need to date! Deena and I have already arranged her to marry her oldest, Benjaman (who has already graduated, to which Rachael has said, "He's OLD!!!" LOL!!!)
Hmmm...I may be the only one here that sees things a bit different. Our children are not allowed to date until they are 16, and then there are rules to be followed. Such as, you must always be in public places and never EVER alone. We teach our kids that holding hands and a kiss on the cheek are ok, but anything further than that is NOT acceptable. I don't know if I fully believe in courtship, but I do see the benefits of it. I understand how you can see breaking up as practicing for divorce, but also, by dating you can find out what you like in a future husband and what you don't like. If I had grown up with only courting...I know I would have ended up marrying a certain boy from my church that my parents were fond of, and his parents were fond of me. He was nice boy, good looking, and we were best friends, but I knew it never would work out. I don't know how I knew, I just knew. Without dating I really wouldn't have known what I liked and didn't like. When I married my dh people were very negative towards us because we hadn't known each other that long. We met, saw each other twice in the month, and then started dating. 2 weeks after we started dating we were engaged and 2 months later we were married. Yes our parents freaked out, but I knew and I mean, KNEW, he was the one I was supposed to marry. I think that whether you let your children date or you go the route of courtship it really all boils down to what you have taught your children. They will follow what they have been taught.
I'm with you on being thankful my girls are not interested in boys at all. They are interested in them as friends and someone to ride bikes with and that's it. I can go with that. Our charter school is talking about doing a lock down type dance. I can tell you for sure that I'll be chaperoning most likely most of the night if not all of it if my oldest dd would like to go.
The idea behind courtship isn't that the parents pick the potential spouse then have you court them. I'm thinking most of you know that, but some said they wanted the freedom to chose, so they wouldn't want courtship. But that's not what Courtship is.... To us, courtship is waiting until you are ready to get married and looking for a spouse. Since we're Christians, that would include a lot of prayer! Actually I've been praying for my kids and who their spouses would be since they were born. We talk openly about this with our children, and the importance of allowing God to lead. I believe strongly that God can lead them to the right person if they let Him! We use our marriage as an example. My dh and I both saved ourselves for marriage, and waited until we were a bit older (not that you'd have to, but for ME it helped, as I was rather immature when I was 18 & 19!) before starting the process. It wasn't courtship, but there were very few "dates" with others. And, as Minthia said, when we met each other, we knew it was right! We just knew! We've been married 21 years now, and are still deeply and fully in love with each other! We tell our kids that we want for them a marriage like ours--not perfect, because no human is perfect, but I think it's as good as any mortal can get to perfect! We talk to them about thing we do to help our marriage stay strong, and make positive comments about each other in front of the kids, etc. We tell them that we feel like instead of learning to break up, they can wait for God's lead, and learn to have a marriage that lasts! Everyone's experiences are different, I just wanted to show that Courtship isn't just a bunch of strict rules, to us it's just following God's lead!
I don't understand the perception that dating helps you decided what you want in a future spouse. When you meet that special person you know you belong with, you just know. How does going through other people bring out knowing that feeling for your future spouse? I'm confused with that. When I met my hubby, I knew pretty quick that we were meant to be. I didn't need to date others to realize that. ETA: I'm not giving dating a bad rep. I'm also not saying it's bad. To me, courtship is a "form" of dating. The difference to me is that courtship is taken more seriously, and dating it more random. I don't want my kids to be random...I want them to take marriage seriously, therfore I want them to really think about who God wants them to be with and walk away when they know someone is not "the one".
Wow......You explained that so well, Deena. I wish I had the ability to express myself that well. I do think regardless of what it's called, dating or courting; we all want the same thing for our children. LR
I think courtship also frees one up to be "friends" with the opposite sex without any expectations of it going somewhere. With dating, because it does tend to me more casual (esp. with teens), it's very easy for a friend to become a boyfriend. If it's understood that this person doesn't date, then that doesn't happen.
