Some people just don't know if someone is right for them, where as other people just know right away. And sometimes (not that I know first hand because I don't, but experiencing the trials and triumphs of dating with some of my friends) some people second guess themselves and are just unsure of what they are feeling or aren't feeling.
Deena already summed up what courtship is and already explained that our children still make the choice. Courtship isn't the same as betrothal. Personally, I think dating actually blinds people to the who the other person really is. Not always, but much of the time. I think this is a part of why we have such a huge divorce rate. People realize, after the fact, the person they married isn't the same as the person they were dating. This isn't to say that courtship is a guarantee to a problem free marriage. Not at all! In fact I believe that all of us are different once we marry to some degree. All marriages take work. But courtship helps eliminate some of the infatuation that blinds us to the character of the other person. With courtship, instead of our children taking two years to figure out if somebody is "right", they can usually tell sooner and make a more rational and wise choice as to who they marry because they do not have premature attachments to the other person; premarital sex, making out, and long term invested time, that usually blinds people and doesn't allow them to see people for who they really are because they are caught up in the feeling rather than who the person is. There is accountablility that doesn't exist with one on one dating. Even a Christian can become tempted when alone with the opposite sex. We can instill morals until we are blue in the face and some will sink in and some will go by the wayside and some will stick in our children's minds but the temptation of being alone with somebody they "love" at the moment can cause them to give up something that is very precious and cannot ever be regained. Being a young girl once upon a time :lol:, I know that most guys are expecting a sexual thrill when they go on a date. By courting, this automatically weeds out those who are looking for a good time. If a guy is interested in more than just sex, he will have no problem honoring the fact that courtship is important to us. In fact, he will embrace it because if our daughter is important enough for him, he will take the necessary steps to get to know her in what I consider a real environment and not a manufactured setting that dating has created.
Awww! I wanted to add that I am not knocking those who choose to allow dating. I just know by my experience with dating and what I witness in our society that it isn't for our family anymore.
Patty neglected one important factor. Both set of parents are involved in the courtship, at least to some extent. The guy is more likely to show respect to a girl if he is accountable to her father! Plus, he will show more respect and honor to her if he has to "work" for her.
It goes both ways, though. I went through quite a few failed relationships that I just knew would work, even one serious con artist type, and when I finally, as a young adult, told the Lord that I give up, and I asked Him to show me the man I should marry--I knew he was the guy the Lord had chosen, but ALSO I knew he was not the guy I wanted. He was the kind of guy with whom I would be good friends but not the type I would consider marrying typically. Thankfully, I followed through with my promise to my Lord: We have been married 22 years. Courting is a mutual thing. It brings the intended into the family and makes everyone accountable to each other. The actual wedding seals a covenant between two families to support and encourage the making of a third, because a marriage is a blending of two families. Ideally, both set of parents have a vested interested in the marriage long before the wedding (and I don't mean just in the cost of the wedding itself). Dating is very false. We all like to think we are the same person when we are out on a date, but the truth is we are not. Does any one of us spend as much time in front of a mirror getting ready to go out as you did when you were dating? Most of us put on airs when we date. Courting allows us to see the person with other people around and how he/she responds to them also. The reason con artist types are so believable is because you really never meet their friends and family. You only see what they want you to see. On a more limited scale with teenagers, dating is very much like that also. I once saw this scene when a teenage girl I knew was at her parent's place of business and this boy was in the parking lot hiding behind a car looking at her snickering as he was smoking a cigarette. The girl finally sees him and is upset because he is smoking. He acts as if he thinks it is fun to sneak around doing something she does not approve of, but she is also emotionally invested so it takes her months to give up on a potentially harmful relationship. Her parents were thankful when they finally broke up, but this did not change the choices the girl was making when it came to dating and a few years later she has a baby without a father. I am not saying this kind of thing does not happen with courting, I am just saying that there are more eyes and ears on the intended, so there are more observable perspectives of the person. It is easy to put on the right airs for a date or a few minutes of meeting the parents or one event with the parents now and then, but much more difficult when involved with activities with the families all the time.
Actually, Carl and my dating had very little of "putting on airs", but I think we were the exception. First of all, we had been good friends for several years. Second, he had full custody of his boys, so I was spending a great deal of time (about four to five nights a week) at his place, often cooking diner and helping to get the boys to bed, etc. We rarely "went out" for a date! I guess our "dating" was very similar to "courtship", but with two pre-teens, rather than parents!
I don't know, because I'm not that person. I may be sure of my decisions but that doesn't necessarily mean we all sure and concise.
I can relate to being confused. I was engaged to someone else when I met my husband. I thought I had met the person for me...until I met the hubby, and then realized what a horrible mistake I was making and broke it off. I think many people confuse other feelings for love. Satan will try and confuse you into thinking many things. He sure had me fooled. I think that is the very reason I am keen on the courtship concept opposed to casual dating. I think, IMO, there would be less confusion. Of course, ANYONE can be confused no matter what course they take and there is no guarantee of no confusion (did that even make sense? :lol. However, I do think it would be lessened during a courtship process. That's JMO. In the end, I went through a LOT of dating relationships and finally was still able to find my hubby...God still has his way. But I did go through a lot of confusion and heartbreak that I wish I had not gone through to get to him.
I haven't read all the responses yet, But I say NO WAY to dating at this age. We are having the same issue with my son though. He just turned 13 and the girls swarm around him. In youth group all his friends are girls and he supposedly has a girlfriend from the youth group as well. I trust him,but I'm very over protective because of my past. I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes,but I also don't want to keep them in a bubble. So for now, He will not be dating. But I do allow him to "claim" to have a girlfriend. But I try very hard to talk with him about respecting girls. He is very opened in his discussions and I enjoy our little talks. I never had that with my parents.. I know I'm probably living in a fantasy world but it would be wonderful if he never even kissed a girl until on his wedding day.. As he always tells me, in HIS words not mine. "Dating leads to mating". As funny as it was when he first said it, It's true....JMO
My daughter is 11 and has been boy crazy since kindergarten! She is always "wanting a boyfriend" and a few have shown interest, but have not approached her as of yet. However, we have already had the discussion about not going out with boys too much older and certainly not alone together. We tend to agree with Cornish Steve above. Set up rules and encourage "group" activities. I have threatened to lock my daughter up until she is 18 because she has always been what seems to be desperate to have a boyfriend. She has been interested in the same boy for the past 2 years and he is 3 years older then her. Nice boy, goes to our church, seems interested, but his mother seems very strict on the subject and so nothing has come of it - yet. I try to tell her that there will be plenty of time for dating when she is older, but you know how kids are.
Now my neice - who is such an aweseome, great, wonderful kid - has a boyfriend. She is 14 and a freshman. He seems like a sweet guy. He talks to her parents and his parents and her parents have met and like each other. They are allowed to go out with other people in a group. She is a good kid and her parents trust her. They (and I ) see no reason to forbid things like going to have burgers and shakes with the two of them and friends. Having feelings is normal - it is how you act on them that makes the difference. Now for my family courting would be insane. Totally crazy. My husband would think I lost my mind wonder what I hit my head on. That doesn't mean however that we are lenient or that my dd will be a tramp. I am raising my child to love the Lord and herself and she is a great kid and I will defend her and out decision to raise her as we see fit. However.................... I will also defend anyone else's right to raise their child for courtship. I think it is a beautiful thing, I really do. I think we all have different dynamics in our families and that courtship or dating are options that we all must choose for ourselves and not for each other. I trust that we all make hard decisions regarding our families all the time and as long as we as families come together and agree then who cares what anyone else thinks.
I haven't read all the posts, but when I was that age we had "parties" at friends houses. The house would change from friend to friend, but we all got together as a group of girls and boys... drank soda, had snacks and pizza, watched movies, had good supervised fun until around 10 pm on a Friday night. Then everyone's parents came and they went home! Sometimes I got to have one girlfriend spend the night. We probably did this every other week or at least once a month. It was a blast! Edie
Well said Tiffany! It's funny, my husband would think I was crazy if I allowed our kids to date, as opposed to courting! That's why what you said rings true. Everyone needs to make the decision they feel most comfortable with for their children! I should never say, "Tiffany is allowing her daughter to be a tramp!" because you'd allow her to date/do things differently. Just as you shouldn't say, "Deena's such a frump and such a fuddy-duddy to only allow courting!" (Just examples) I DON'T think that way, I DO think with everyone's back grounds they should do what's best (though really, I know best so you all really SHOULD do things MY way!) :lol:
YEP! What's "right" for one is not "right" for all! I know many with kids that "date", and they're fine young people. But 13 is STILL too young!
Oh Jackie I totally agree 13 is far far too young! Dating and courting are like anything else that makes families different. Some families don't allow tv and some watch it all day. It has to be a family decision and not everyone else decision.
dating, courting whatever you all call isn't happen in this house till the girls are both 82. No TV, I could do with out but no computer oh no that would be hard.
Hey - I haven't watched TV for years - other than noticing it's on while walking through the family room. Are you still impressed? PS - I must confess that we did just purchase the Fox Soccer Channel for my oldest son and I have, in the last couple of weeks, snuck in to watch the odd English soccer game. But we won't mention that because you'll no longer be impressed.
