I am feeling so guilty and maybe I am being selfish or not. I don't know, I'm confused. I am aiming to move soon. I don't really HAVE TO, and right at this moment, not sure I WANT to. We're going through so much, that I don't think that trying to pick up and move is a great idea right at this moment. My MIL however, cannot come to our house (because of losing Dwayne). I understand that. I am not upset at her over this. But recently she's gotten really heavy into wanting us to move closer to her (we're about 40 minutes away now...which is normal because we're in a rural area). She's even actively looking for us a place. I just don't know if I WANT to move to that specific area again. I like the area, but it would be taking us back into being almost an hour away from all of our activities. I do like the country BUT there are areas around here that I could get that would still be close to town. I just don't know right now which to me says that I shouldn't be rushing into buying something. Then I feel guilty for NOT moving back to where she is and soon. I am still calling her and trying to make an effort to visit her at least ever week or every other week. That's more than we were doing before...we were only visiting about 1x a month. Am I being unreasonable? I mean it's not as if we're moving back to VA Beach (8 hrs away) where my mom lives. Someone tell me that I am not being a bad DIL (or if I am...tell me that too, be honest!) I'm already kind of frustrated because dd's bday is next week. We usually (for the past 8 years now) have bdays at our house...just us and the grandparents, nothing big. But because she can't come here, I'm going to have to try to throw something together some where else (which means more trouble, more money...etc). But I'm trying to be understanding...she can't come here and not having her at the party would not be an option, so I'm going to try to do what I can. Thanks for listening to my rant and your ideas or input...I appreciate it. ps...I also don't know if I want to move right away because I have memories of Dwayne here...I still SEE him here (not literally, in my mind), and I'm not sure that right now I want to move to somewhere where I don't have the visual reminders. If that makes sense.
I am thinking of you often lately and wondering how things are going. (((hugs))) My uncle lost his wife when they were in their early 40's. My husband and I were set to buy some land from him and when we got to his house to pay for it, he offered us his house instead, which we bought. It had only been about a month since she passed. He wanted away from there so desparately. His kids were adults, but had a very difficult time with all of it. In hind sight, I'm not so sure he would not have been better if he had waited. I know his kids were devastated because they just hadn't had time to grieve and he took away a major part of their memories too soon. Again, moving was right for him but I think he would have done better to wait a little longer. If you are having any apprehension about it being too soon, if ever, then I'd encourage you to listen to yourself and give yourself a little more time. You can always decide to move later, but once you move you can't change your mind. Thinking of you and praying you will know without a doubt what you should do for yourself and your family.
There is no way I could possibly know what it's like to be in your situation. I have often heard, however, not to do anything sudden for at least 6 months after losing someone. Plus, I would think that if you moved, just for your mil's sake, you may start to resent her. It's okay for you to think about you and how you feel right now.
Plus...just to add something....What if we weren't renters but actually OWNED this house. I definitely wouldn't want to move then. What would she do then? I just try to be the people pleaser and I want to be supportive to her, but it is a huge thing to try to do right now. thanks for the input Brooke. I appreciate it.
Autumn, honey, the "experts" (those who specialize in grief and the grieving process and such) say don't make any major changes like moving or such as that until AT LEAST a year has gone by (if circumstances allow you to take that long - if there's no choice, there's no choice, but you have a choice here, right?). I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL for not wanting to make huge changes right now. In fact, I think it's the best idea NOT to make huge changes right now. If anybody's being unreasonable, it's your MIL. If it's hard for her to come to your house, how hard does she think it is for you and the kids on a daily basis??? YOU should not have to do all the "giving" in this situation. Y'all just lost Dwayne, why should you and the kids have to give up your house and home and memories and access to those things and activities that keep your lives as close to normal as it can be right now??? You should move when and if YOU decide it's time. Not before. Don't be pressured into making changes that you're not ready to make. Invite her to the birthday as usual. If she comes, it will go a long way toward helping HER deal with the new situation, as it will all of you. If she doesn't, it's her choice. You keep saying "she can't come here" but the truth is, she just won't. It'll be hard, yes, but she CAN. She should be the one helping to support you, and you can lean on each other, but you don't need to be the one doing all the supporting. OR maybe it's time for birthdays to be done differently -- if YOU think it is. New location, new traditions... Maybe Chuck E Cheese or McDonald's or something....
Sweetie, take your time. Of course you want to be there for your MIL, and you sure don't want to shut her out from the kids' lives. But I think right now the kids also need the consistency of being close to stuff. If you move out, there might be things you'd have to quit because of the distance. I'm not sure that would be good. You have all been through a very major change. I'm not sure moving would be a good idea for them. It's another major change, right when they need something stable.
I think the advice you have already gotten is good. I just second everything already said. (((hugs)))
You are not being a terrible dil. You need time. Tell her that you are not ready for such a major change right now. Just the fact that you agonize over the choice shows that you are not ready. When/if you do move you need to make it while your thinking is not clouded with grief.
I agree with everyone else take your time. Don't do it for anyone else. Plan the party at your home and if she comes she comes. Just tell this is what you have done in the past and you will keep doing it. one thing I learn is don't try to please everyone, the most important people to please are you and your children then others. Put, please do what you feel is best not what others want you to do, it could be hard breaking.
It should be getting warm enough to have the birthday in a park right?? I would just let your mother in law know you appreciate her help but that you are not ready to move right now and that you will still try to visit her.
I agree with all of the advice above. I don't think anything should be done until at LEAST 6 months to a year after his passing. It is a terrible thing and I can't imagine loosing my husband, or my father-in-law. As a family we have moved over 3 times in the last 2 years with kids in tow. It's very hard, even if you know the area you are going. Think think think about this before you do it. I am terribly sorry for the loss, and I hope things get better.
The rule we've always followed is to do what's right for the next generation, not the previous one. Yes, it might mean that parents and in-laws disagree with us sometimes, but so be it. Our primary responsibility is to our children. We still honor our parents, but our children come first.
Steve, I love the way you put that.. do what's right for the next generation, not the previous one. I don't think you are a bad DIL... and I think you need to not worry about trying to please your MIL. I would have the birthday at my own home, like always, it's tradition and I'm sure that Dwayne would not want you to change all of your family traditions. I would stay in the home where you are.. until you are ready to move, if you ever are ready to move I know I have thought about things like this alot. My hubby has a not so great heart, men on his father's side rarely see 40 (hubby is going to be 33 this year and 38 is average for his family), so even though we hope he has more of his mom's family genes, I am constantly thinking ahead to prepare for the worst, esp since he has the heart issues that run on his father's side. I can't ever imagine moving, the memories in our home are just too important for me to move away from. My focus is on the kids and how I will manage getting them raised and keep our lives as normal as possible.. normal including things we all did as a family, the ways we did them. We have done things like take out extra life insurance to make sure that if something happens (to hubby or myself) we can invest it and pull the interest and live the life we have right now with a parent at home, homeschooling, etc. I have never considered catering to my MIL if something should happen.. and I am pretty sure that I wouldn't. My primary focus is on my kids, and "my" family.. as in those who live directly in my home. ((((hugs))))
On the move, I agree with what everyone is telling you. Wait for a while and do not move until you are ready to do it for you and the kids. On the birthday I would do whatever the birthday child wants. You have all been through so much and if having Grandma there is what she wants then have the party somewhere that Grandma can feel comfortable. If having the party at home is what the birthday girl wants then have it at home and go see G.ma later. You do not need all this stress right now. Do what is going to work out for you and your kids. I have a grown married son, daughter in law and grandson and if something happened to my wonderful son I would not ask my dil to change her life for me and I would not cut myself off from them for any reason. I am praying for all of you and hope things get easier with time. I hope the birthday is special and fun for all.
I really feel like your kids needs have to come first as well. that's home to them, it's where they have memories of their daddy. I think it would be cruel to uproot them right now when what they need is consistency. yes,I'm familiar wth the story of Naomi and Ruth, and that kind of devotion is great, but when it's offered, not asked for. MIL seems a lilttle selfish to me(not judging,mind you;after all,she just lost a child)and you can still honor her without feeling obligated to do what she's asking. as for the birthday, is she really willing to disappoint her grandchild because of her own inability to cope? sorry,I sounded really cold there. I don't mean to. not sure how to express that. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this.
I agree that you shouldn't make any decisions as of now. If you did, they would be made out of emotion and not what will be best in the long run. Your MIL wants to have part of her son close to her and this is understandable but probably not realistic. I truly do not mean this rude in any way or form so I hope it doesn't come across this way, but your MIL needs to grieve without using the children to comfort her grief. She is sad now, but is trying to remove some of that by using the children. While she is sad and deeply mourning, so are you and your children. Your children need all the stability they can get and there is comfort in familiar surroundings. My two older girls' mom died when they were young. The mom's parents glued themselves to the children. They said it was so the girls wouldn't be so sad. But honestly it was for them, not the girls. When Handsome moved away, the family fell apart because they never learned to deal with the loss but covered it up by clinging to the children. While I have no doubt how much they love the girls, they also placed a whopper of a load on their shoulders. The girls became comforters instead of being comforted. So to answer your question, you are doing right by placing your children first and not being selfish. I am still praying for your family. Please keep us posted with any prayer needs you have. :angel: :angel:
Thank you all for your help ((((Hugs!)))) it really helps me not to feel like I'm being inconsiderate. the entire thing came up because I said we will have to move because our lease was up and I didn't know if we could handle the rent payment here. Since then, our landlord has said we could stay as long as we want/need. And then the financial aspect was taken care of as well. So I did tell my MIL that we might be moving, but since these situations have cleared themselves up, I have told her that we don't have to move right away and I am going to tell her when I talk to her again that we are not going to for a little while. We're going to take the time that we need and we'll move whenever it is right. Thanks guys!
Glad things worked out and you are going to stay. I really feel it's best for you and your kids for now. ((hugs))
Sorry late in posting to this but I agree with everyone else too. Take time ( as much as possible) for you to be able to make decisions! Hugs and prays for your family
