To reply to your post Becky about it being a sensible thing money wise to hire cleaning help?? I guess it would depend on your personal finances, but I know for me personally having a clean house makes me feel better. Our family has been dealing with some major life issues and coming home after lawyer meetings to a sink full of dishes and the smell of the laundry room creeping its way upstairs is enough to make me want to hire out help. Its not always in the budget, but I have from time to time hired someone to help. The kids and I work with her. We have also traded babysitting for payment. My mom is retired and will often offer to come over and help out. Did you ever notice when you are cleaning with a friend or relative you get more done and faster and it doesnt seem as bad?? My SIL and I in the past have helped each other out. We pick a day to do her house and then do mine. Just some suggestions.
I have been reading these posts and I need to express what goes through the mind of a slob. I am probably the slob on the list. I make these great piles to "go through later" I have a million junk drawers(exageration) and I dust when absolutly needed. However I have major issues from when I was a kid. I recently had to face these troubles. If you are coming over we mad dash the whole morning to get it "clean" then a few days later back to the same. I basically can not see the mess. Hubby is the oposite. he hates messes and I am queen mess maker. (makes a good fight ocasionally) So in researching why I create these enormous messes I can not possibly conqurie this is what I found out about myself. My parents divorced when I was real young. I began creating messes then so it would be harder for my mom and me to leave a place where I was secure. Here is where I blame my mom. My mother began to take me to therapy and she told my mom to just close the door to my room and ignore it. My mom wouldn't stand for it. so I would slob it up my mom would clean it up. In fact when I met my hubby my mom still packed my lunch for me to go to work. I was 19. So now I feel secure in my messy world. Now my hubby and I want to buy a house and move. The house is on the market so I can not slob it up. It takes 30 days to form a good habit and I am starting to get the feeling of when things are out of place. You gotta understand I get freaked out when we clean and sometimes get a panic attack over this new world. But its getting better. So how could I teach my kids to clean up when I was not being a good example. Now I am setting an example and they are following. I will tell you what we did. First we got rid of alot of stuff we do not need. Donated it to charity. Then we did take our kids to a sitter and cleaned house in there room. we got rid of 75% of there junk. Now they are not overwhelmed when I say clean up. My kids are still little so I can not expect them to do dishes or laundry but I do what Kathe does. fold and make piles and call them in to put it away. Since trying to buy a home I needed to get a job. At work (waitressing) I need to keep things cleaned off so I am also learning. I personally do not see anything wrong with hireing help if you need to. But I personally would do what Dr. Phil has sugested. There are chore you have to do like laundry make beds keep there room clean(about kids) then there are jobs you get paid for. like raking leaves cutting grass and a few others. So if you are going to hire some one to clean hire your kids. :wink: I want you all to know admitting this here has been extremely hard.
Hi, Jimmie Lu! I'm am a recovering clutterbug, myself. Mine just stems from your typical procrastination "get to it later" or the ever-popular "fly-through-the-door-throw-it-on-the-table-fly-out-the-door-again" frenzie. Combine that with my recovering OCD hubby and it makes for an interesting marriage :wink: . We both give and take now and have reached a very happy medium. To kick start my recovery, I had to realize first that even though the house didn't seem worthy of a cleaning as soon as Dh thought it did, his primary love language is "Acts of Service". I started to become more sensitive to Dh's desires for an orderly home (when previously I would have just rushed to take care of his major "things" he would check when he got home from work to prevent an OCD explosion). He was equating my lack of service for a lack of love. Now that I actually love him :wink: I want to express my feelings for him in a way that he absorbs it best. Since Acts of Service is his primary love language, that also means that he volunteers to take loads off of me to show his love for me. All in all, we have a very service minded home now. Well, after that realization I started to "Clean Sweep" my house! I did what you did with the kids' rooms. They no longer have a use for toyboxes....my 5yo dd and 8yo ds now have shelves with labeled containers or baskets. Ds even came into his room and started rejoicing, "Labels! It has labels now! Whehoo!". Dd just couldn't stop dancing around her room exclaiming, "Oh, Momma! How did you know just what I wanted!" It made me cry! My clutterbugginess had passed onto my kids, even though we all know we function better with order. I am a much happier person without all the clutter in my life. And getting rid of that clutter transferred onto other areas such as overcommitted schedules and so on. We now live much simpler lives all the way around. I still have to correct myself when I come home and realize that I just put the mail in a pile on the corner of the table to "get to it later", but at least I care now. Congrats, Jimmie Lu, on your ability to share that with us! Feels good to get it out, don't it :wink: .
Thanks for the encouragement. I go through the mail at the garbage can since most of it is junk or advertisements. That avoids that mess. I'd like to put a can at the mail box for the postman to do it for me but that isn't gonna happen. lol. One day one mess at a time!!
Hi! I'm new here, but just ran across this list and though I'd pipe up. This has been a major issue in our house in the past - the having to ask for help. I must admit that I'm a little disturbed at the accusations of husbands and kids acting selfish. Now I don't know any of your DH and DS/DDs, but I know mine. My husband is one where I have to ask him to help - do you know why? He thinks that I have a master plan and he doesn't know where he fits in, so he stays out of the way. I've been so guilty in the past of chewing him out because he didn't so something the "right" way, so he thinks I have things under control and lets me deal with it. He has his little realm of control too that I absolutely do not get involved in - mowing, scooping snow, pulling weeds, scooping dog poop, etc. When I ask him to do things, he says he appreciates it because it shows him that I trust him to work within my plan. It's taken a LOT of effort to deal with things the way he does them and to not say anything. If it's really not done right, I go back (after he's left for work) and touch things up. Knowing this information makes me feel a lot better about him seemingly not helping and makes him feel better about helping. Granted his tolerance for a dirty or messy house is higher than mine, but he respects the fact that I don't have that high of a tolerance so we're now able to work as a team to get it all done. What we really needed was a knock down, drag out fight to air all our issues and then to sit down calmly after the storm and figure out a plan. We now work under the "Know the plan, work the plan" motto Another big help in our house, was a massive de-cluttering initiative. I was harsh about tossing stuff we didn't use, didn't need, stuff that didn't have a place, broken stuff, etc. and it has helped with the "crap all over the house" issue. Nice to be on the boards.
Well, Alese, sometimes husbands and kids are selfish. I never played that thing of' I want it done my way'. i'd be glad for any help. Someone said pay my kids to clean. I'd love to-he simply won't. Daddy thinks it's my job so why should he think any different? So, what should I do? I'm not a b****, and I'm sick of sounding like one over this house cleaning. Plus, I should not have to ask for help. Like someone else said, do we have to be asked to cook? Grocery shop? Write checks for the bills? Dispense first aid when needed? No, because we're nurturing females. It wouldn't occur to us to let our kids do without a meal or clean clothes.
Well said, Becky. Welcome Alese !!! The only thing I would add to Alese's comments, and Becky's reply, is that if the help is in the kitchen for example, and he IS holding out because he's afraid to not do it the 'right way,' then what's the big deal ??? Is kitchen duty rocket science?? I get really annoyed here when hubby says, "I didn't load the dishwasher because you always get mad that it's not done right." Actually, that's not true. Why I'm annoyed is because when and IF he empties it, he can clearly see where the dishes are, so why can't he put them back the same way when they are dirty again ??? My only conclusion is that it's brain surgery and my I.Q. must be skyrocketing to oblivion. :lol: It's not like I'm asking him to lay out a mosaic of minuscule tiles on a football field or something !!! Seriously ... if the man uses the "right way" thing as his excuse, then why doesn't he try and learn what the "right way" is ??? And yes, there IS a right way to do everything. In this house it's called the CHEAPEST way, which is a necessity when you have five kids and live on one salary. Therefore I completely load the dishwasher and only run it ONCE a day. I also don't wash like two things in the washer ... I load it up !!! Sorry ... that "right way" thing is still an excuse, in my humble opinion and experience (nearly 20 years' worth). Kathe
Kathe, have you read Judge Judy's book Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever? Great grief, does she hit the nail on the head. We put up with this because we're females. Period. We want to be liked, we don't want to be called b****, told we're on the r**, etc. It never has been and never will be a level playing field.
Hmmm .... I should have put this in the pm I just sent you, but I read this post after. Judge Judy doesn't have me figured well at all. I put up with it because he's the father of my kids. They love him dearly, and he them. I have to respect that. As for "on the r**", well we've already discussed that :wink: I've managed to weedle my way outta THAT one hehehehe Kathe
Well, that's kind of the same thing. Would a man stay with a woman just to satisfy his kids? Maybe for a while Her thing is for women to be self supporting, even if motherhood and being a wife is what you want you should be able to support yourself if the need should arise. Like in my case, I might pay the bills and keep the cash in my wallet, but it's still his money, not mine. If he'd ever get a wild hair I would be in trouble.
I see your point, however, the converse would ALSO be true. If I were to bolt, my husband could NOT continue on in his current capacity and also take on the nurturing, the spiritual instruction, the home schooling, the shopping, the laundry, the cooking and the housekeeping. There's a lot more to "self-supporting" than money. I'm in the same boat as you are though. If my husband bolted, I'd have to accept welfare. With five kids, and having been out of the work force for 13 years in this depressed economy, there's little chance I could earn enough money for the expense of working, nevermind living expenses. The expenses of working include travel costs, wear and tear to a vehicle, child care, appropriate attire and the wear on those items, etc. It's clear why many women just shut the h*ck up and get walked on. The alternative is wayyyyyyy too labor-intensive. Kathe
You put a spin on it that only someone in the boat can understand. I still wish I had seen thisbook when I was, like three!!!!
Wow!! all my hubby wants is the bed made and the clothes washed and put away before he gets home. My daughter does the washing and I do the folding we work together (sometimes I have to stay on her to do her part). I usually have supper cooking or pretty much done when he gets home. He has never gotten mad because the house wasn't spotless. I guess I was blessed with a wonderful hubby.
Becky !!! :?: You can field this one, girl. I wouldn't want to get us "off track" again, kwim??? :wink: Kathe
