My mom always use to tell me when I was little that spanking hurts the parents more than it hurts the children. Boy was she right! I get this empty feeling and my stomach just cringes every time I have done it. I think that just shows us how much we care about our little ones when we feel bad like that, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I am sure there are parents out there who don't give two cents about their child's feelings, and that's very sad.
My hubby used to work in a prison. He has told me that it is a resounding theme with the inmates..."I wish my mom/dad would have disciplined me."--probably not in those words exactly (I think "whipped my ***" was the usual wording). At some point in time everyone realizes that boundaries and punishment go hand in hand. Another note on my strong-willed boy.....when he was about 4 I remember him getting ready to do something in direct defiance of what I just told him. I reminded him that the penalty would be a spanking. He says, "I'd just get a spanking? Okay, I still want to do it." :shock: That was an eye opener! He was weighing the conciquences and deciding --to my face, might I add--that he was willing to take the bodily pain to do what he wanted. I obviously told him that he would still get spanked if he tried, AND I would successfully prevent him from completing the disobedient act. Man, oh, man. What we went through after that!...we sought out the pastor's help (he had a masters in counceling ), and my brother is a school psychologist and told me about Love and Logic, which is great for strong-willed kids! And we are all much happier now for it!
Love and Logic is a method of discipline that's goal is to get the child to take ownership of situations he/she is responsible for. For instance, if a child (or you can use it with adults, too) has caused a problem for someone else, say the child has thrown a fit and knocked a playmate's crayons on the floor (taken from the SS classroom I used to teach :lol: ). Instead of telling the child to pick up the crayons, you lead him in figuring out how HE can fix the problem. You might say something like, "It seems you have caused a problem. Have you decided what you are going to do to correct it?" Hopefully the child comes up with a positive solution, but often the child will say nothing or say they "don't know". Then you can give some suggestions--good and bad--and ask the child what might happen if they chose one of those. If they still arent' communicating well, then you can say "maybe you could tell your friend to pick up the crayons. What would happen if you did that?" Usually they see when you give them a bad idea. The goal is still to have the child make a decision and deal with the natural consiquences of that choice. Another main goal is to keep yourself out of doing anything that puts you out since the problem is not technically your own. Also, say a child is throwing a fit and it's driving you nuts our first reaction might be to send them to their room, or something like that. With Love and Logic you would let the child know--in an always calm voice--that their behavior is causing you pain/irritation/etc. Then you let them know that they will need to go to their own room where they can throw a fit without affecting anyone else...and that they are welcome to join you again when they're voice is at the decible of your own. It's not exact responses, but you get the idea. I am calmer, my kids are calmer, and they are learning how what they do affects the people around them, and themselves as well. OH! One of my favorite oneliners is when one of my kids asks repeatedly to do something they were told "no" about (or whatever I've said)...after the first time you give an answer, just repeat "what did I say?"....keep your voice steady and calm and soon enough they get tired of your response and stop. Now all it takes is one time for me cuz I know they don't want to get a broken record from me :lol: . OH! And another idea is when your child has been acting bossy or stingy or something like that.....just look at them and ask cheerfully, "so, how is that working for you?" Most of the time it causes them to reflect.....if they don't answer you then can talk to them about how that behavior may not be too desirable for others to be around, etc.....still, I have just scratched the surface with this, but the ideas in the books I've seen are priceless! One of my favorites is called The Pearls of Love and Logic for Parents and Teachers. It gives situational ideas for all sorts of issues...great find! They also have a website. I don't subscribe to all their ideas, but the ideas for the moment are great.
That reminds me of my now 16 yr old. He was about 2 1/2, still in diapers. At that point a spanking was just a couple swats with my hand over his diaper. One day he looked up at me after and said "that was supposed to hurt?". Lets say he regretted it. We introduced mr paddle and never looked back. He shakes his head at his stupidity at that now. LOL Glenda
