How do you all deal with the teen years? Christian just turned 13 and man or man the hormone surge (and the attitude that seems to come with it) is unreal!!! I'd even go far enough to say it is nothing short of abusive towards me (especially) and to others. He says (yelling, swearing, etc) and does things (slams doors, throws things, etc) to me that he wouldn't dare do to his father and I'm at the end of my rope with it. Any ideas how to sope with it or how to get ahold of it before it gets too far out of control? (Like it isn't already) Brenda
Brenda I get that from Kevin all the time. Everyday. I don't know about your husband but my husband needs to stop ignoring it because it's not directed at him. I've already told Kevin to pack a bag and leave, that's how bad it gets. If this was our spouse talking to us this way it would be considered abuse. If we were talking to the kids trhis way it would be considered abuse. I also am sick of it everyday, but what to do? Although I've told him I'll throw him out I won't because where would he go? Then there's his disability. I'm not a complete b****. To me, the dads need to stop overlooking it. If the shoe was on the other foot it would have already been done.
Well! I've had two phone calls from his school today. Big surprise he's doing it there too and he's still on stage 4 at the school (he had a one day in school suspension in December for too many detentions - not completing classwork, homework, ATTITUDE, etc). So they are renewing his stage 4 meaning a 2 day in school suspension (he has to go 30 days without any detentions to be taken off the stage). He's forever telling me that "I'm sick and tired of this house". Pack a bag and get out then! He would never leave though because he knows there are rules wherever he goes and if he thinks I'm tough here - he has a lot to learn! DH basically said to him yesterday - "If I ever hear that again (yelling at me)..." He threatened for future episodes but nothing for this time! Irritates me to no end!!! (Thanks for nothing basically) So between the hone calls and the attitude I got yesterday (esp) he has no phone for at least 30 days (when he could potentially come off the stage 4), no outside with friends for the same amount of time for the same reason, no tv and no computer!!! (He probably thinks I'm being an old bag right now - I don't really care ). He'll have the absolute most boring life there is and I dont' think I really care right now. And I will talk to our youth minister tonight to see if he would spend some time with him - I don't know what else to do (other than to homeschool him taking him away from the bad influences he chooses to call friends - but that all depends on what goes on with my back and conviction to do so). At least I can vent here and know (unfortunately) that others have had similar issues (or have). Brenda
Been there with the school troubles, too. Right up to the week he graduated, and I mean the DAY BEFORE he graduated. I saw no joy in watching him graduate because there was so much drama leading up to it.
The youth groups had a concert of prayer tonight (I stayed because I have never witnessed one) and Christian responded to a call that was put out there (they all did actually). Anway, I spoke to the youth minister after it was over, briefly explained what was happening and he said that he would meet with Christian one on one and try to work through it (Christian seems to "bond" (not the word I'm looking for) with him so I'm praying that something will come of this). I ranted and raved this afternoon about how he should be witnessing TO the class clown in stead of being a class clown WITH him. Then the "sermon" they had tonight and everything else that went with it, I'm praying that for once what I said didn't go in one ear and out the other - that it actually stopped and his brain absorbed it. I hate being the wicked with of the east - but I have to buckle down with him and try to pull him back in before it's too late. The two boys he's been hanging around with are both bad examples. The mouth on one of them is autrocious (he used to yell at his mother while on the ball field, swearing at her calling her names, the whole nine yards and she did nothing - although she wasn't much of an example). The other one used to go to church but his parents have a problem with one of our pastor's so the whole family suffers because fo it. And of course he's not a great example to live by either. Don't you just wish somedays you could pick and choose all their friends, all the things they will have to face and make all the decisions for them? Sure would make our jobs easier but then they wouldn't be able to mature...
My prayers are with both of you ladies. My ds, is still years away from the" teenage rebellion." He has already shown his "backside" a few times to me. My dh, read him the riot act about treating his wife that way. That ended that, at least for now. Hang in there. Tammy
I have two 13 yr olds. One is still very "young", the other is hitting the terrible teens with force. I will pray for you Brenda, it is really hard. What has worked well with us is to take things away from him. If he tells me no, then I tell him no. Example, he decided the other week that he didnt like the order of our morning routine (schoolwork, chores, ect.) so he sat and refused to do anything. I let him sit there. Later that day when his friends came to the door he asked if he could go and I said no. By not doing what I asked of him he was basiclly telling me no. He started walking out the door and I stepped in front of it. The next day he was asked to go to the movies that weekend. I told him no. When he asked why I explained how wrong he was the day before. He did two days of schoolwork and chores, plus a little extra for attitude and he was allowed to go that weekend. There have been other cases like that where I consider him telling me no so I take away his PS2 or privledges or whatever. Everything that child has is a privledge and must be earned. If he does not obey house rules he will lose something. There was a point in time when he had nothing in his room but his bed and ONE outfit. He had to earn his things back, even the right to pick out his outfits. As of now, this is all we need to do to get to him.
We have one 13-yr.-old. We feel the same way as Crystal about privileges. Playing with friends, computer and Nintendo time, etc. are all privileges, NOT rights! So if he gets out of control, he loses those privileges for as long as it takes for him to get a clue and start being a more positive part of the family. How much is taken away depends on the depth of the infraction. We haven't taken away clothes and things, but that's a great idea if it gets bad enough! They can get such an attitude of superiority and how important they are compared to others. Having things they consider rights taken away from them knocks them down a few notches, and usually, at least for a little while, they realize that though they ARE important and are loved, they are not the most important being on the planet---others are important too! If people don't act or say things that fit in this little box my son has made in his head, then they are stupid and dumb, and not worthy of his time or effort. God made us all with different talents and abilities for a reason. It'd be boring if we were all the same and did things within this little box he has built up! Anyway, taking away privileges seems to work for him also. I think we CAN do some of their picking and choosing, and who they hang out with consistently. My son has a friend that he's grown up with, in fact they were born exactly a week apart, and have known each other their whole lives. But this boy has gone a different direction and has a "dirty" mind and uses language that we do not use! When they were younger, they spent quite a bit of time together, even weekends at each others houses sometimes, and they got along great, still do when they are around each other. However, though this boy still asks once in awhile, we do not allow our son to spend that much time with him, except where adults are present. He was quite a negative influence on our son, and we had to really work on some things that our son picked up from him. We told our son that he needed to be a positive example to this friend, and NOT join in with the negative things. Jesus was around some pretty rotten people, but Jesus positive influence changed people for the better, not the other way around. I would rather they be mad at me now for not allowing them some privilege, then for them to be around and sucked into negative influences, and have problems later! It really hurts to be a good parent sometimes, and obviously the kids don't appreciate it--right now anyway. I think later, when they are older (maybe even MUCH older!), they will realize why you acted the way you did, and appreciate your values more.
LOL Lorna. :lol: I just feel the need to make sure my kids know who the boss is. I need to instill that in them now before the "heavy" teen yrs hit.
puberty stinks I have a 14 year old and as you, sometimes I want to pull out my hair but I found out if I ignore the behavior he stops. ( no reaction from me and he has no fuel. Get it?) It does get to the point of grounding but not often.
Hi Elli! WELCOME! This is a great place!!! Yes, I agree, ignoring it works in my case also----not always, but sometimes it helps him get the hint... :wink:
I have been told by friends with boys that age that there needs to be a break with discipline from Mom, and it has to start coming more from Dad. It has to do with a male/female thing. That's not to say that you let a kid ride all over Mom, but the son needs to understand that Mom's authority is an extension of Dad's. She needs to back off more and more as a son becomes older, letting Dad take more and more responsibility with the discipline. Yeah, I know!!! What do you do when Dad doesn't bother disciplining? Sorry! I don't have answers! I DO know that in hind site (having had two full-time step-sons) the one thing we'd change would be to have DH do more of the disciplining with them. As far as friends go, we have Proverbs 13:20 posted in our kitchen. "He who walketh with wise men shall be wise, but the companion of fools shall be destroyed." I am anticipating future discussions on whether or not my child considers this or that "friend" a "wise" person, and what might be the consequences of spending lots of time with that person. (Actually, we've already discussed it about one neighbor child. He is allowed to play in our yard, but there is NO WAY my kids can play with him anywhere else (like at his house!)
My husband and I have discussed that too Jackie. He's a great dad and is willing to spend more time with that kind of thing. Our oldest is DEFINITELY ready, and it's helped that I stink at Algebra, so the two of them spend time together working that out. :lol: Plus my husband is starting to just hang around him more, and play basketball, or take him along on errands, etc.---just little things, but they're good, cuz it gets them "manly" time together. My dh understands our teenage ds so much better than I do, that I try to back off as much as I can. My ds does better when I do that anyway. I don't neglect discipline, I just try to treat him as an older person, NOT a child! Our 11-yo ds is beginning to get to that point, though he's not completely ready. He's really going with his idea of wanting to be a pastor someday, so he's looking up stuff in Revelation and asking my husband about it! Yipes, that's difficult for me to understand, but it's a step he's taking to be closer to his dad, who is good with that kind of thing also. I see them advancing that direction, and know it's a good thing. Sometimes I still call them by pet names or something, just to get my momminess in!
That's true, that's where I turn them over to God! He will help! Our past comes back to bite us sometimes though! If my child spends time on negative things, then that'll be what he learns. If he spends time on Godly things, then that's what he'll learn. Not that he'll be perfect or choose to continue in that way, but one reason I homeschool is to help my kids have positive, Godly values. They don't appreciate some choices I make--such as the kinds of friends they may spend time with (which goes back to Jackie's comments--I do the same thing!), the movies/videos they see, the books they read, etc., but I know that it's shaping their character, and at this point, I have to stand firm in what I believe is the best for them. As they get older, they will make their own choices. No offense to anyone, but my Godly and family values don't include books or movies on witchcraft, murder, morphing, scary(evil) or Satanic themes. That cuts out a lot of books that kids often read these days, but there are so many other positive and upbuilding things they can read, that I feel they're not missing out at all. I don't believe in reading anything, just as long as they're reading! Anyway, all this to say, if I allow certain things that don't really go along with positive values, then I know I can reap the consequences of it later in the actions, likes and dislikes, and attitude of my children! It really does affect them!!
Well said ~Deena. My mom, was a "mean momma" or so we thought at the time. She often said no, "my house, my rules." Even our friends followed our rules when they were in our home. Now with my own kids, I have the same rules; and yes, even if everyone else is doing it, we aren't. My dh is one of those that believes reading anything is wonderful. We disagree and my kids wont read any of that in my house. I believe that by saying no today, they will know how and what to say no tomorrow. Tammy ~The mom who couln't say no to the Disney on Ice Show last night. Hey, everyone was there. :roll:
LOL! I say 'My house, my rules' and my son and his dad cry!!! :lol: I think I already posted what I don't want Kevin to be exposed to. Well, his dad doesn't see things my way. It's not unusual to catch my husband getting Kevin CDs at the library with parental warnings on, or checking out videos for him that he can't see. I get the old ' He's 18 and I don't see anything wrong with it. You have to let up on the boy or when he is on his own he'll go crazy.' What this really means is my husband wants to see whatever it was and he's miffed that he can't. Discipline is another area we disagree on, because my husband will ignore big mouth, attitude and all that stuff. Meanwhile, I'm getting a headache and stomachache dealing with it. He can be so clueless sometimes. It's even like this with Jeannie. He will not correct her unless she's interrupting the news or keeping him from the newspaper. Frankly, I hate being the bad guy. Really, though that's what it's all about- my husband likes being the fun one.
what a shock Isn't it funny how we turn into our mean moms, I quess we figured it worked for her it'll work for us. And was she REALLY that mean?
