What would you do? Ethical question

I've been wrestling with an issue, and was curious to see how others think about it:

When I got married 10 yrs ago, I moved in with Dh and his parents. This is more a cultural thing (Pakistan) that the eldest son is meant to live with his parents and support them in their old age. Anyway, in that household, MIL is the Queen Bee, and she and her younger daughter (divorced with kid) treated me in the worst way possible. Its a lot to go into, but suffice it to say I considered killing myself on many occasions, and even hurt myself. I was in a sorry state, not knowing what to do and who to turn to. DH would hear everything from his mother's view and didn't treat me right either.
Anyway, he finally started to see what was really happening, and finally he took me and our newborn son, and left home.

Dh and my relationship improved and we are now happily married, with our children. Our relationship with MIL has turned "cordial" over the years, though the underlying tension is still there. The problem is that FIL has end stage cancer and is almost paralyzed. Nobody ever treated him right either, and he is suffering for it. They have him in a nursing home, and none of the three other adults living there somehow have time to take care of him (Dh's younger brother, his sister, and his mother).

My question is this: FIL wants to spend his last days home. Should I go stay there for a few months, me and the kids, so that I can be his nurse? There is no way FIL can come live with us, Queen Bee will never allow it. DH is NOT in favor of me going there, especially since I'd have to take the kids, and wouldn't be able to homeschool them at all.

Would you go and stay there for a few months, so that a kind old man can have a peaceful end in his own home?

Thanks for reading...

 

Not if your dh is not on board with the plan. It is wonderful for you to offer but unless everyone is ok with it then you should not do it.

 

IMO, I would definately go with him. You and him have a connection, and that connection is not being treated right by close family, even though it's completely sad. What would happen if he needed taken care of (cleaning up messes he made, feeding him, or having a conversation and holding his hand) and none of the other family members couldn't be bothered with him? Would he just have to sit there in his own mess? Be in pain without comfort? I think family issues need to be put aside, and this elderly gentleman needs a caring hand. You. Have your husband go with you, or visit often, and if things get hairy with your MIL and others, then just state your stance clearly, and if they don't like it then they can take matters up with your husband, but you are staying firm.

Is there like a hispice nurse available to you? This could also be an option. The nurse could be there for him at night, while you stay with him during the day, or so on. It could be worth it to check out.

Ultimately, it all depends on your beliefs, values, and family. What do your husband and kids think about it? What's their stance?

 

I admire your selfless attitude. Clearly your husband is blessed to have you as his wife. My opinion is twofold- First, I would definitely sacrifice a few months to care for him. However, you must set up boundaries and expectations with the other family members first. Second, your husband must approve of what is to happen. If he does not approve of you going to stay there and care for his dad then sadly it won't work out the way you intend.

 

As much as I want to say go and help him, I also want you to honor your husband. If your husband is saying "no" and it is HIS father, then I would go with what your husband says. If it were your own father, I would try to reason with my husband to make it happen.

 

Thank you guys for reading. I have been praying for guidance over this, and every bone in my body tells me that I should go there and take care of him. He has always been very kind to me. I feel its time to return that kindness.
I would do it if it were my father, so why not for someone who really has treated me like a daughter.

Kbabe, you are right about honoring my DH's wishes. I just dont see how he could not want me to go. His main reason is that he won't be there to "protect" me.
A thousand miles is a long way for him to keep visiting, and he cannot keep the kids due to work, so they'd have to come with me.

Meg, hospice only comes a few times a week. He needs constant care. Kids don't have an opinion, they're too young to have any idea how seriously ill their grandfather is, or what's going on...

I feel empowerd by your opinions, and I read into it that this is a sign that what I want is the right thing to do. I will just keep convincing my DH...

 

I would not. This isn't really just because of the family issues that would be involved or even because your husband has said he doesn't want you to.

This is because caretaking for someone--- especially a man--- in his final days is absolutely grueling and exhausting. There may legitimately be things you are not going to be physically strong enough to do for him. My mother cared for her youngest brother in her home in his final weeks before dying [he had lung cancer]. The toll it took on her was immense.

I would, instead, encourage your DH to look into hospice care for the man and then plan to make short visits. That way, you will be able to give him the pleasant company he will want in those final days rather than find yourself drained from dealing with his needs plus your MIL's nastiness, which will certainly be draining in their own right.

In this instance, I'd say your DH has a wise view of the situation in telling you not to go.

 

His first responsibility is to YOU, and he's doing an awesome job wanting to protect you. There is no way I feel it would be wise for you and the kids to go there WITHOUT HIM to set boundaries and enforce them. As Shelley said, they need to check out Hospice.

 

FWIW My mum nursed my dad right to the end of terminal brain cancer. She needed the help of two nurses that came everyday. She also needed a hospital bed for him and a special mattress to prevent bedsores and other special medical equipment. And she still had to send him for respite care so that she could recharge herself. I would come care for him for 2-3 hours a day so mum could get other things done. My point is she had a lot of support and hands on help and she barely managed. Caring for a terminally ill person is extremely taxing and you would be doing it in an environment so hostile it made you near suicidal and harm yourself.

Its up to you of course but I wouldn't recomend it, sorry. (((HUGS)))

 

How emotionally taxing is this going to be on your children? I have a couple hospice friends and both often share how emotionally draining it is to see a person die. Although death is natural and will come to all of us, sometimes the process of death can be painful and...well... ugly. I remember when we would visit my grandma. She had cancer throughout her body and her brain was failing. For this reason she would curse, yell out, talk to nobody, vomit, cry, and moan. As a young teenager, this was scary to me.
It is something to think about. While you might have your heart in the right place, your children AND husband come first. If you do not have your husbands blessing, you should not go.

 

I am in agreement with the others that say don't go. I would honor my husband's feeling. I know its hard not to be there for him since the others are not taking care of him, but you will be putting yourself and your children into a situation that could become very hostile (with MIL, BIL, and SIL).. not great for the kiddos.

 

I just wanted to say thank you to all those who took the time to read this and share their personal stories.

I understand what a huge responsibility this must be. It's just that I cannot bear to not do something. I call him on the phone ever day and he tells me stuff like "they put mayo on my sandwich, I don't like mayo"...and I'm thinking, I could do that for him. I could feed him. I did when we went to visit, I made him broth, and fed him. Sat with him.
Its really very hard to sit by and do nothing. I feel like I'm not doing my duty.

DH is still not in agreement and MIL isn't talking to us at the moment (once again), so just waiting and praying right now..

Please pray for my father in law...

 

If God wants you there, he will open doors. Right now, it doesn't look like he is opening the door. You do not have to sit and do nothing. If you are praying for him, and I am sure you are, then you are doing far more than serving him a bowl of broth or putting mayo on a sandwich. Interceding for him through prayer is the best gift you can give him. :love:

 

"They also serve who only stand and wait" - I think that's how the saying goes. Pray with him over the phone, pray for him at other times. Pray hard for your MIL and the others too. Pray for your husband and your children. You're not "doing nothing".

 

Keep calling him and give him an avenue to vent. Maybe you could send him something special in the mail or have something delivered to him. Calling him and praying for him are huge! Just knowing you care probably means the world to him.

 

You would know the cultural issues more than I, but the MIL issue is part of life not only in Pakistan but in other countries in the region (especially India). It seems that every daughter-in-law is expected to come under the day-to-day authority of her MIL. It may be difficult for many of us to understand living in a very different culture, but this is just the way it is. If you respect culture and tradition, you endure it.

Having said that, of course, I'm not suggesting that the practice is right - and you've had several years now to show how culture in the US is very different (and in this case, more healthy for all). Maybe that time period is long enough for the situation not to return to what it was when you lived under their roof in the past.

What you are suggesting is an incredibly unselfish thing, and would be such a strong demonstration of family love and commitment. If your husband is willing to accept it, I would say go for it. As others have written, though, you and your husband would need to be fully committed to the idea - and maybe put some sensible practical measures (and conditions) in place first.

What an inspiration you are for even considering this!

 

Yes, Steve, you are right, the whole MIL being the "boss" of the subservient daughter in law is common practice in many countries, but here's the thing: I've never lived in any such country where this was common, having grown up in the West since birth.

My own mother and paternal grandmother's relationship was a good one, but they never ever lived together. Each had their separate home, and we visited each other sometimes. But then again, my father and his family are from South America where Western thought prevails.
I actually really really always thought that all those movies and stories I had seen and read were gross exaggerations. It can't possibly be like that in real life, I always said. I was wrong.

My husband, on the other hand, having grown up until his older teens in Pakistan, is really the one deserving credit for having changed his mindset so dramatically. He lived with this culture in his youth, yet has come to realize that certain aspects of it are very wrong. If it were some other traditional-minded husband from one of those countries, he would be the one insisting I go there and serve his parents. My DH turned himself around, and left his parents for me and our children.

Once again, I appreciate everyone reading this, and since the decision hinges on DH, I cant say what is going to happen at the moment, but he seems nowhere near ready to send me there alone.

 

I think it's wonderful that you are willing to sacrifice so much for your father-in-law. But you need to look at the situation from his point of view, also.

I don't think it would be a good idea to go there for a few months, because it would be tremendously taxing work normally, let alone with a mother-in-law who literally makes you suicidal. Unless your father-in-law is delirious, he will certainly see the pain you would be going through. I don't think that would be a kind thing for him to have to see.

Is it possible for you to go for only a few days or a week? That way, you can still repay him for his kindness. You will feel fulfilled, and he will feel loved. You can really spoil him and look after him as well as you can, and if it's only a short time, you won't wear yourself out and you can really give him all your energy. A nasty mother-in-law wont drive you to the point of depression in only a day or two, and you can leave before she has the chance to. You do not want to put your father-in-law through that during his final time. I'm sure the last thing he wants is to know that you are suffering tremendously and that he is the cause of it.

It would be far kinder to show him your love in a way that makes both of you happy; that is, over a period of time that is too short for you to be worn down emotionally by your mother-in-law and physically by the care you will be giving. Your DH will probably be much more comfortable with you being away for two or three days instead of two or three months. If you can manage it, then it might be the solution that works best for everyone, especially your father-in-law.

 

Wow! I think you really need to sit back and think this through.


Speaking from someone who has taken care of two family members with cancer to there die day.

One its very stressful on you and the kids they go through tons of too.

Two why would you want to go if you mother in law is going to be there and she treated you so bad you were thinking of bad things to do to yourself.
Do you think she has change? NO

Now she has you and the kids to pick on.

I wouldn't do it. No way if my DH told me no I wouldn't do it. Why? Do you want to put yourself into something like that?

There is hosipice nurse that come if he is to the end they will be there every day of the week to check him out. If you all feel he is being mistreated tell them and they can look in on it when they come for there visit.


Make time to go see him as a family.

Just know its not going to be easy. I understand why you want to do it for your FIL but think of all the stress you will go through taking care of him and then the stress of your MIL. Think of your poor kids the things they will have to give up there father for one.

I REALLY would NOT go againist my dh wishes. He is helping you out.

I just can't see where you think it would work? Fill me in. Like I said I been through this twice the stress is something and its not just you the kids too.

Why would you want to put yourself through that kind of stress and then add your MIL into it.

Sit back think about it if you have any question please ask. Like I said I been through this twice and it took alot of me and my family.

 

Kris, MIL has a very mean, petty and vengeful personality, yes, and she will always be like that. Since we moved out, almost 9 years ago, our relationship is what you could call "cordial". So we call each other once in a while, and on birthdays etc...When we go to visit, she treads very carefully, again to DH's credit, who has made it very clear to everyone that he will not tolerate any sort of nastiness to his family. There have been many many occasions over the years that we have left early due to her manner.

That's his whole point: He wont be there to enforce his rules.

The more I talk about it with Dh, the more I think maybe I shouldn't go. My heart is crying for my FIL....sometimes the whole day no one even goes to visit him and we know that they CAN, its hardly a 10 min drive.

Munchie, if I could go for a few days at a time, I would be there every weekend, but we live too far away, unfortunately.

I will certainly not go without Dh's approval, and I've resolved to stop talking about if to him for a while, since it's clear he's waaayy more anguished about this than I could ever be...it is HIS father, after all.
Like one of the posters said, if god wants me to go, He will open a way.