Ok, I'm about to sound like an ungreatful, selfish little snot, but in my own little world I think I am justified and am looking for some input from others. Or maybe I just need to vent. My MIL and I do not get along at all - it hasn't always been that way, but it has become that way over the last little while (to a point where I don't speak to her at any cost - to do so only gets me in trouble). Long story short, she called me a useless twit (that's not the word she used - I added a letter) a couple weeks ago (for no valid reason - which really stirs the pot some more for me) and did so in front of the boys!! She also called me another name after that (which I won't repeat). I called her on the phone afterwards and said a couple choice things to her (for which I am mad at myself - for stooping to her level if immaturity). This all boils down to a disagreement she and my husband got into and somehow I was brought into it. She physically, mentally and emotionally abused him as a child and still does it to this very day (verbally anyway). She walked out on him when he was 9 years old to go galavanting across the country with another man, she wouldn't defend her own son last summer when there was a dispute between him and a neighbour and I had to guilt her into going to visit him when he was seriously injured in the accident a couple years ago (but then when her father was in the hospital last week , she was at his bedside the same day). She'll pick up the phone call him, "I love you, I miss you and I miss the boys" then she goes on a swearing and yelling rampage with him before he hangs up on her. This has been her pattern and she makes no quams about it! Now here's my dilemma... I hate her to the core of my body (I know I shouldn't and by letting her keep me angry she is winning). I want absolutely nothing to do with her! I have told my husband that she need not bother wasting money on a birthday card for me or anything for Christmas - I want nothing to do with her. My husband knows this and understands why. He's probably not happy about it, but he knows I won't budge on it. But what about our boys? They are her grand children (for what it's worth), but she has exposed them to verbal abuse as well (they hear everything it is she has to say - she doesn't care who's around when she's in the mood to call names and swear). My gut says to keep them away (but that in part has to do with my feelings for her), but my husband disagrees. Am I wrong to want the Best for them - and in this case, I believe it means protecting them from exposure to verbal abuse, etc.? I look forward to the day when I can get over it, but with my own strength it won't happen - this is something that will require Divine intervention. Anyway, just wondering. Brenda
How does DH deal with her behavior? It sounds as if it's not directed at YOU, but at the both of you. My gut reaction (ie: not praying about it!) is to keep as far away from her as possible...ALL of you, for thier mental well-being. I'm not sure if that's a really Godly reaction, though....
Wow! This hits close to home... I'll try to let this ramble, but I about cried when I read your post. We have a similar situation with my MIL. She and I DO NOT get along. We are completely different! She used to think I was the greatest until about a month before the wedding (we had dated/been engaged for a total of 3.5 years) and she totally changed. She got mad that I didn't (DID NOT) want a stripper at my bridal shower. Forget that my mother, grandmother, sisters, nieces --ages 5 and under--were all going to be there.....I'm just not into that and would have died of embarrassment if they had done that. From that point on, I was public enemy #1 with her. She spread a bunch of gossip about me and at my shower NO ONE spoke to me or my mother. I spent the week before the wedding in the hospital with bleeding ulcers because of her (and she never even called to check on me). I used to have to medicate anytime I knew we were all going to see each other. For my one year wedding anniversary to her son, she gave me a cheap t-shirt that said, "I'm not a B***H, I'm THE B***H, and to you it's Ms. B***H". Classy, huh? Now flash forward 11 years: We've been through a lot with her. For the first 5 years, my husband jumped everytime she needed something and would almost always take her side on things just to keep her happy. ("If Mom's not happy, no one will be happy") Once we had kids, my rants to him finally started to sink in and he began looking at the way she had treated him all her life. He pledged that he would not subject our kids to that type of treatment. It's taken awhile, including a move 100 miles away from her, to really feel like we're more in control of the situation. A friend told me once that (as bad as it sounds), the grandkids are a great incentive for her to get her act together. If she's acting awful=she doesn't get to spend as much time with the grandkids. Not to use them as a pawn in a game, but just for the fact that we don't want her to have the negative impact on our kids as she did my husband. It's been a long time coming, but I think she's starting to realize how her actions are affecting her relationships, now. I'm with you: I've struggled with "letting it go" and it's SO HARD! I've told myself, "I'm giving her too much power over me for it to worry me so much" but it's easier said than done. I've prayed about it a lot over these 11 years and I do feel it's getting better, but we faced a lot of hurdles in the process. Honestly, the move 100 miles away has been the best thing for our situation. I'll keep you in my prayers! Hang tough!
mother in law The best thing is to keep the kids and yourself away from her. It is not a normal thing how she acts and I am afraid that the kids will grow up thinking it is and worse act like her. They don't need to hear her at all. My husband didn't speak to his mother for 1 year until she called and ask forgivesness for a ugly act. We just stayed clear of any place she might have been. She did finally call. It took a friend of hers who son had died in a wreck and they never made up for a fuss. She told my mil that she had to live with it the rest of her life and that my mil son was alive for now. She thought on her ugly words and called and corrected. It took a long time for me to forgive but I have. I will never feel the same way about her but over 19 years and many ugly words (Nothing near what you are going thru) I see that she is trying to do better. Her problem was over playing favorites with my 2 of my kids over the other one. Pray for her and the situation. God can work wonders. I don't think He would want your kids hearing such talk and seeing such ugliness. Praying for you. Lorna
Brenda and OKmom, I had an in-law come to my house when I was bedridden while I was pregnant due to pre-mature labor. This in-law came over to let me know her vicious thoughts about me and that she thought "I was faking it". Ya- I had dialated to 4cm at 5 months pregnant and I was faking it. Hhmmm!! What an idiot! She upset me so much that by that afternoon my contractions had kicked up again and my honey took me to the hosp and I was hospititlized 4 days on a mag wash trying to stop my contractions. Then when I got out she had the nerve to bring me a rose, you can only imagine my thoughts, the movie Exorcist comes to mind. I stayed calm for the sake of my lil baby and handed her the rose back and said, "No thank you". From that day, I considered that in-law dead in my mind. Anyone who would put their need for hatred above the well being of an unborn child in my opinion is the spawn of satan. Harsh I know, but that is how I feel. I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with ugly in-laws. It can cause problems with your spouse and some incredible resentment. I feel that in-laws are ugly because they expect their son-brother, etc. to choose between them and their spouse. Some people thrive on being hateful and there is nothing that will change them. In my experience I find having nothing to do with that person is best for me. It always comes out in the wash. I pitty those who have to dump on others to elevate themselves and to make themselves feel better. Pray for them, they need all the help they can get. I do believe that no matter who my boys bring home as their significant other, whether I like that person or not I will make sure that I am respectful of that person because that would show respect for my sons. And to disrespect their significant other, in my opinion, would show incredible disrespect for my boys. Risking or hurting my relationship with my boys is not in the cards and I would never allow it to happen. Brenda, unfortunately, your mut in law does not see that being disrespectful to you is also showing disrespect for her son. But from what I read that doesnt enter her mind. As far as allowing someone who is destructive to relationships to see your children, I would take a serious look at that for I would not want my children to be adversly affected. A leopard never changes its spots and history-does- repeat itself. This is an ugly thought, but, no never mind, I will keep that to myself. Brenda and OKmom- Cyber hugs girls!
In my family's similar experience, the best we could do was move 1051.86 miles away. We tried absolutely everything else but in the end separation was the best and only option for us. I suggest that you suggest separation to your husband and be sure to be sure and let him know you will honor his choice no matter what it is. ;-)
I really don't have any advice to offer, I was fortunate, I have a great mil. I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you and I hope that things will get easier for you. Just pray about it.
I'm so sorry to hear about everyones horrible MIL's. And I thought mine was bad. We have our disagreements about religion, but that's really it. I've learned to open my mouth when I need to, and she can be VERY judgemental and gossipy about everyone else. Makes me wonder what she says about me. I like the moving idea. That may be why we get along with my dh's family. They all live 3.5 hours away . Maybe you need to move to the states, Brenda. Then you can be in seperate countries!!! Does your husband stand up to her for you? If not, maybe you need to tell him to "grow a set". No offense, I have told that to my husband a few times when I have needed him to say something to his mom. She is constantly saying how we should move to another state so he can find a better job. The only reason why she wants that is because she is jealous of the time my own parents spend with our son, even though she has 5 other grandchildren living by her. settlers..."mut in law", that's funny.
My MIL and I have been around a bit! When her DS and I were first married, I was the ONLY "in" in the family. After DH's first wife, you think she'd appreciate me, but instead fought me over my DSSs constantly. Now, years later when she learned first hand that *I* am not the *cause* of all their problems, she's backed off. Partly, too, she has another DIL and a SIL to deal with, and the SIL is NOT a forgiving type the way me and the other DIL are. We've worked through a lot. I am blessed that she is there when I need her to watch the kids, especially with my mom having serious health problems over the past year and a half. She will always take my kids so I can go and sit at the hospital with Dad while Mom's having an operation. We had a mix-up over Mother's Day; my MIL told me straight out that it was OK if we didn't come by; her health was fine, and she was planning on being around for a LONG time, so she felt it was much more important for my family to spend the day with my parents. Her understanding about such things is VERY important to me! (I might also add that there was a time when she wasn't permitted to have my kids, due to her disrespecting DH's authority over my one DSS. DH finally decided he could "trust" her again, and she's been VERY careful since then!)
If she abused your dh when he was young, I would keep my kidlets away - as Dr. Laura would say, it's one thing to hurt me, it's another thing to drag kids into the mix.(I admit, I am a Dr. Laura fan - the woman knows her stuff!) With us, it is not so bad. The biggest problem I have is that MIL does not like my 5 yr old for some reason. Rarely speaks to her or talks about her, doesn't do anything special with her, and never lets her spend the night. It is kinda rough becuase Papa (who died in June) was enamored with her. But MIL is never outright mean to her or us -- so we just try to make up for it in other ways. I could not imagine living near someone who treated me or my kidlets like that. Moving, I think, is a great idea!!!
DH did speak up to her when she got in to the name calling episode (a couple times) and he has dug his heels in when she has been on one of her rampages in the past, but she continues on. The couple times she has called him on the phone screaming and swearing at him, he has hung up on her telling her to get out of his life. It's disrespectful not only to me but to my husband and to our children the way she carried on that day and in the past as well. I'm not one to hold grudges but this one is fueled by so many instances (past and present). I wasn't around while she abused him as a child, but it still affects us to this day (no, he doesn't raise our children the same way (PTL), but we all live with the memories that he has). She has driven by our house so that she can come see the boys (without us knowing - so she thinks)! That outrages me to no end. I told hubby yesterday that she doesn't ever want to darken our door step again (I could be absolutely down right hateful and say that the house is in my name, but that isn't fair to him). My gut tells me to keep her away - she's bad news and does nothing to "bring them up" (she loves them to death when she can make herself look good, otherwise she treats them like dirt). I don't have to worry about trashing her name to them - they're all smart little boys and will figure it out for themselves (two of them already have) and she's doing a good job of it on her own. Someday I'll let go... Brenda
We support you Brenda! It all boils down to the fact that you are doing what is best for you, your dh, and you dc. If you don't look out for their best interest.....who else will? Stick to your guns, and someday she will realize that her actions are the reason there's a wedge between your families. She's a grown woman and can take care of herself, but your ultimate responsibility is to make sure that your dc are protected from her type of abuse.
Bless your heart. I haven't read all the post but from the ones that I have read my heart goes out to you. I had a few times when my mil and my family weren't speaking. The worst time was when she sold us her house, which we actually didn't buy from her. She sold it to my daddy first then he sold it to us, long story. Anyway she went and told my dh's brother that we had made her give us the house, in short she lied. When we found out that she had told him that, dh asked her about it, she left the house and we didn't see her for over 2 years. When she did start speaking to us again, we had already sold the house and moved. She had no idea where we moved to. Now she will come to visit us every couple of weeks. She wants to know why we don't come see her. She lives in a tiny mobil home that is very nasty. She lets her dogs poop on the floor, and she will leave it there until it gets hard, she also spills canned dog food on her counter and not wipe it off. No way am I going to let my kids visit her. I really don't know to many mil's and dil's that get along all the time. If you do come across one please let me know. So if I were to give you advise just don't talk to her for a while and things will cool off. Time has away of healing all wounds. Remember this: Those who anger you control you.
This is why I look forward to the day when I can let it go and not be so irritated about it, but it's going to take Divine intervention because I can't do it on my own. Jesus is my inexhaustible source of strength and I need to remember that. As I've sat and reflected on the whole ordeal, I realize I have some apologizing to do - I was irrate when she called me the names this time around to a point where I called her and spouted something that wasn't so nice back to her (true as it may be, I didn't have to stoop to her level). Was not Christ-like behaviour and shows poor Christian character on my part (you see, God isn't done with me yet - that's what I call conviction). Apologizing for what I said though, does not mean allowing her to be a part of my life (or that of the boys either). It means admitting I was wrong (and immature and hateful, etc) and moving on. I dont ever expect her to apologize to me - I don't see it happening - which doesn't make a difference to me I just want my slate cleared in God's eyes - that's all that matters to me. Brenda
Gwenny99, I agree with you! If anyone knows me they know they best way to get this mama bear mad is to mess my cubs! Staci
I have one of those horrible mother-in-laws too! Brenda, I can tell you that, eventually, you will be able to put this behind you and not be so bothered and frustrated by it. I'm going to try really hard to make a long story short here: When Ashley was 10 days old, it was Thanksgiving and we went to visit at Brian's parents for the afternoon. Well, to put this mildly, his mother is one of the biggest slobs I've ever seen and she had 3 little yippy dogs running around. Brian is the youngest of 8 children and several of his siblings and their families were there as well. Well, his one sister, who I'm sure is nuts, brought her dog that day- now why would anyone bring another dog into a crowded, dirty house full of people and 3 other dogs?! Anyway, I was feeding Ashley when her dog jumped up at Ashley's head. Under my breath, I said "dog!" and his sister heard and went off on me- ended up leaving the room, tripping over my foot, and turned around and backhanded me across the face. After Brian and another brother went after her, I got up and, trying not to cry, I said "Brian, get the things, we're leaving NOW!" I bent down to his mother to apologize for whatever I had done to cause the whole episode, and she didn't say a word! That was my first indication.......... This November, it will be 12 years since that happened. For a long time, I was bitter, hurt, frustrated, feeling much like you do, Brenda. But, things haven't changed. We really thought that she would see the error of her ways and change, but she hasn't. She's still hateful, and she basically sticks to that one, rotten daughter all the time. She calls Brian and another brother to come and do her jobs for her. Brian used to run when she called, now he's learned to say "no" when it's not convenient. And, we've both been able to lead our lives without her in it. My girls have wonderful grandparents in my mom and dad, and are leading a perfectly normal life without her in it. Brian has plainly told her that we will not be bringing our girls into that environment again. If she wants to see them, she can come to us (which has happened exactly once!) Anyway, you can lead a life without her. And, I really don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's for the good of you and the boys. Hopefully Tracey will be able to see the problems and back you up on this.
For that to happen - Tracy backing me 100% on this, it will take a lot of prayer because as horrible as she has been to him (and continues to be - to both of us), he still doesn't quite "get it". Maybe it's because he was raised so horribly by her that he thinks this is normal and doesn't have the same issues with her that I do - I wasn't raised that way - the way she treats us is not normal, not acceptable and I won't tolerate it. I'm not going to try to persuade him to not talk to her, but I will not allow the boys to be a part of the abuse. My role as a Mom is to protect them - to me that means from her as well. Thank you all for listening to me rant and rave (I didn't realize I was the only one with horror stories like this). Maybe all of us will be able to mend our own issues through venting here - THANK YOU! Brenda
Brenda, Sometimes the only way to really get past something is to "vent". It is too bad that there are ugly people in this world whether it be mil or who ever. Keep your chin up, hang in there and remember you aren't alone. I am having a problem getting over someone mistreating my boys. I am finding it difficult to not wish hateful stuff on this person. Not very christian like, I know, but I am going through the process of forgiving her and I guess this is part of it. How do we get over this part? Difficult!
well I have been reading the post and thinking if I should reply or not. I have been through the same thing with mil for years, the only thing that help me and my dh is a move and I mean a move. Now we get along wonderful but it took many, many years alot of hateful words were said by her but I have put that in the pass and gotten on. Another thing everyone has to remember no matter how badly a mother treats her child she is still there mother. It will take a lot for someone not to talk to there mother. They might not like what she did but they will talk to her and help in little ways.
I think that's one reason why my mil and I can get along (except when it comes to some touchy religious issues) pretty well. Being at a distance has a lot of advantages.
