Hi to all. I have posted a couple of times here, but mostly lurk. You make me laugh and almost cry sometimes. I love to read the posts here, they encourage me. I really need to vent I guess you could say. First a little history. My DH and I have been married for 15 years this April. We have 4 children, ds 13, ds 11, dd8, dd5. We have been homeschooling for about 4 years now. Here is my dilemma. We have a family in our church who are foster parents. About a year ago they received 2 little boys. The mother was strung out on drugs and the dad was nowhere around. The boys are now about 2years and 3 1/2 years old. DEFACS has told this family that they will be putting them up for adoption. Our pastor brought them on stage at church and made the announcement, because noone wants to see them gone. We have all fell in love with them. My dh and I talked it over and decided to pray about us taking them. Well DEFACS searched for the father and found him. They wanted him to come to a meeting, but he did not show up. They said if he did not show, then it was final they were up for adoption, but then they gave him 3 to 4 more weeks. :x We are still praying about this. We have talked it over with our children and they are chomping at the bits to have them here with us and to call them our own. My thing is, I worry about my children. Am I being selfish wanting these boys? Am I not thinking of all the needs of the kids I have? My oldest is 13 now and there are new things to deal with with him. Will I be stretching myself to thin? I see other big families do it, why can`t I? But can I? Some days I think this is really what we should do and other days I think no because I need to put the kids I have first and concentrate on them. But then we go to church and I see those boys and they sit with us and play with my kids my heart melts and I fall in love with them again. Especially when they call me "mommy" and my dh "daddy". My dh melted and cried the next day when he thought about it, one night at church he was telling the 3 yr old good by and he wrapped his arms around my dh neck and said " I love you daddy!" They are looking for a connection somewhere. I am so confused right now. I want to do what is right for all concerned, but my emotions get in the way. I feel like I cant rely on myself for an answer from God because I`m so emotional. Am I crazy? Sometimes I feel like it. Sorry this is so long. Just needed to get it out I guess.
Oh my goodness, I'd adopt them in an instant! I understand your feelings though, it's a HUGE step to take on two more children! But if you have prayed about it and feel that God is leading you that direction, then He will make the way possible for your love to stretch, and all the kids to be fine! It may be good for your 13 year old to help with the young ones, and put the effort into others instead of himself. Not that he does that, it's just that teenagers tend to get into themselves and their own wants and needs. Helping with others and doing for others tends to put that energy to a positive use! I will pray that you make the right decision! I also pray (maybe selfishly???) that the dad doesn't show up! He is NOT what those precious boys need! And I will pray that with whatever happens that you will have peace!
Two very good friends (very good Christians) of ours adopted kids when they were 4& 5, they are beautiful children who suffer greatly from lack of bonding as babies..........it is a tremendous road to travel, these children have wonderful parents, I am not trying to be a wet blanket, but I have seen and continure to see the affects/effects of no bonding--therefore, no conscious, please do some investigating
It sounds like these kids DO bond though. Kids that don't bond wouldn't hug and say I love you! But she's right, it could be, and it would be a difficult road if that was the case! You know them pretty well by now. Do you know if there are problems like that?
We don`t know much history on them. Except that the dad has`nt been in the picture for so long that he did`nt even know the youngest one existed. And DEFACS was called when they were about 1 and 2 years old because the mother left them alone to go do drugs. They are very loving kids. But I have noticed that if I correct the oldest one on calling one of the guys around the church "daddy" , it seems to upset him. Thats why if we can get them, we would like it to be as soon as possible so we can start the bonding process. The oldest one acts like he may be bonding with my boys already. The foster family they are with hands them over to us as soon as they arrive at church. And they are really pulling for us to get them.
Pray, Pray, Pray, God will answer and he will show you what to do. Yes, they need someone to love them and if God answers yes, then I say GO FOR IT, and love them children along with your own. I will be praying for you also. It is a tough decision only you and your family can make. Keep us updated.
You are not crazy. On the contrary, I think you are very wise to recognize that you are very emotional about the situation. I think it takes a lot of wisdom to discern the difference in emotion and what is realistic. That's great! Emotions can be blinding. It is wonderful that you are trying to see it as clearly as possible. Do you know if the father has an inkling of desire to have his children back? I know you said that you didn't know much of the history. I wonder if he is a dead beat dad or if he just had no clue as to where his children were. Unfortunately, sometimes this happens when one parent takes the kids and does not contact the other parent. I definitly hope, for the children's sake that he had no clue but I can't help thinking that he just didn't want anything to do with them or at least the oldest since he knew nothing of the younger child. I can't help thinking that if he was on the up and up that he wouldn't have gotten involved with the mom in the first place. Water seeks its own level, so to speak. There is a great chance he is just like her or was. I am praying for the best for everyone in this situation. Keep us posted.:angel: Patty
The song, "He Giveth More Grace," by Annie J. Flint, 1866-1932, was given to us on a tape by a dear friend during the time we were praying about adopting older siblings. It ministered to me deeply! It gave me, in particular, courage to follow what our hearts were telling us. "He Giveth More Grace" He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength as our labors increase; To added afflictions He addeth His mercy, To multiplied trials he multiplies peace. When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done, When we reach the end of our hoarded resources Our Father’s full giving is only begun. His love has no limits, His grace has no measure, His power no boundary known unto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again. ----Annie J. Flint Dear one, the way will almost certainly be fraught, sometimes, with hardship. But do not let that be the determining factor in discerning God's leading. 'Praying that His will for these little ones will be done.
FourKidsMom, the previous post almost seems presumptive--like it's obvious what God's will would be in this situation. Please don't take it like that. I'm just sharing with you what gave me strength to go ahead with what we believed God was leading us to do. And it has not been easy! But the final evaluation isn't in yet, and I believe that in His mysterious ways, He will touch the heartaches with His gentle, nail-scarred hands, and transform them into a testimony of His grace.
Pray about it then pray some more. God will NOT lead you astray. If God wants you to have these kids He will also provide you with the ability to handle it. NOthing is a greater expression of the Lord's love than being a father to the fatherless. I say if you feel led to go for it and let God handle the rest! I actually sometimes pray now that one day I will have the ability to serve the Lord by adopting a child.
I don`t truly know if the dad wants them back, but actions speak louder than words. He did not come to the meeting that DEFACS scheduled for him to meet with them and the boys. And he has made no effort to see them since then. I have said the same thing, if he cared at all about the boys, he would have made some effort to find them and see them.
You know what is weird? I would never have considered adoption. I never thought I could love someone elses child as though it was mine. But after loosing my precious baby Nov. 2005,( I also lost one in 1992) I started thinking about it. I mentioned it to my DH and he flat said no. But then this issue came up and everything changed. My DH said mayby this was Gods way of giving us back what we had lost. Mayby it is God changing us because this is what he wants us to do.
Maybe so. Man! just reading this and remembering our own earlier journey almost makes me want to ask God for more children, too! Adoption is a miracle, as is birth. 4kidsmom, once they're in your family, your heart won't know the difference--which were brought to you by birth and which by adoption.
Prairie, that is so true! My brother is adopted and unless the subject comes up, I never think of him as adopted. My parents took him in and loved him as their own. It did take adjusting to as a family but everything worked out. He is a gift from above.:angel: Patty
We did it too! When I was single and younger, I always said that if I was not married by a certain time... I would just adopt cuz I wanted to be a MOM, one way or the other! Well that was 5 children ago. At the loss of our young infant son in 1997, we decided to look into adoptions. When ever God puts a call on your heart, I say answer it.
