I have been trying so hard to make homeschooling work for my oldest and as I sit here I am nearly in tears. He has been screaming at me all morning about how he hates schoolwork and how he won't do any more work. It has been like this on and off for nearly 3 years and it is getting worse. I am ready to walk down to the school and enroll him. I told him that I can't handle this any more especially with a new baby coming in a few months and that I was going to put him in school. Then he threw a bigger fit about how he didn't want to go to school and how he just wants to stay home with his family but he also said that he wouldn't do his school work if I let him continue to be homeschooled. What do I do???? We have been homeschooling because we felt that is what the Lord wants us to do, but I seriously can't do this any more. Plus he is ALWAYS agravating one of his siblings to the point that they have melt downs and it makes it so much harder for me. I have been praying for support and an answer to what I am supposed to do and I feel like I am not getting an answer. I need to do something but what? Help. I don't know what to do.
(((hugs))) Tough situation. Do you have any insight on what is is that he is objecting to? Is it a certain subject or a certain type of work? Is there any part of school he enjoys? If not, what does he do in his free time that he enjoys?
Dad needs to step in and deal with things in a very serious manner. This young man needs to understand FROM DAD that this behavior WILL NOT be tolerated, and will have SERIOUS consequences.
Well, I'm not everybody...I am only me. And I have some different views when it comes to child rearing, I suppose, that aren't too popular with certain folks. If my child acted like that: "I don't want to go to school where I actually have to work, I want to stay home and do nothing" (Which is exactly what it sounds like, sorry) If I had a ten year old son, I would say, "Listen, Buddy. You have two choices. You can either go to Public School, where I simply wont "take you out" after 5 days of being ignored by the teacher and doing stupid pointless activities. OR You can stay here, do this school work whil w have fun at the same time! Your choice." PLUS, if my child were to "scream" at me or my husband, I would paint their back porch red (spank their little heiney). That's incredibly disrespectful to YOU, as a parent. Let him know (kindly at first) "hey, I'm your mother, you will not speak to me that way, or yell at me. If you continue you will find yourself sitting alone for 10 minutes." (TIme out- 1 minute per year of age) If he keeps screaming or acting up: wordlessly take his hand and place him in time out. Once he stops screaming/crying then you start the time. After the time out, if he is still mouthy/disrespectful/screaming then by goodness gracious whip out your hand and paddle him. Of course, this is just me. Of course, try and find out what the problem is and why he doesn't like school at home. After his time out when he has a clear head and it done with "fit mode" ask him. Tell him you want to have an adult conversation with him, but be form when you say he just can't stay at home and do nothing. There are some things he might not enjoy, but you will make them as fun as you can so that it will be more enjoyable to him. That's another lesson: Responsibility. Daddy works. He may not LOVE IT, but he does it because it's his responsibility to the family. YOU do school, because it is your responsibility to learn. See what I mean? I hope I don't sound incredibly harsh. :/
Ok.. first of all... take a breath!! Know that you are not alone in this struggle I have been there with you for as long as you have!!! Try to change things.... throw out the workbooks (or hide them), ask him what he would like to learn about... give him some options... like 4 ideas for science... ummm dinosaurs, electricity, ocean mamals or rocks/minerals, and then 4 options for history... the Wild West, Knights of the Round Table, Ancient Egypt or World War II, and then help him find things to use to learn about them. Require that he does some sort of project about what he learns... a report (yeah I know not gonna happen because it wouldn't here either...lol), a poster, a diarama, a clay model, anything really. He will have to describe to you what they are all about... either by a verbal report or by labeling everything. Think outside the box. For science we are watching Mr. Wizard videos and Bill Nye videos. I have prentice Hall Science Explorer, but it's just not the fit I want I don't think. I was just reading a thread on TWTM boards that has really inspired me to go back to my roots: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=173293.
I don't agree with this, I don't believe in the "wait till your dad gets home" philosophy. If mom isn't going to show she is a strong parent (and by running to dad she isn't), then she will eventually be getting pushed around by some teenage monster. Now I am fairly strict, but I'm also not going to force my kids to do some stupid school work that they hate and causes fights and revolts, esp when there are ways that they can learn the same exact thing in a way that fits them.
I agree. I think children are naturally inquisitive and love to learn. They don't always love school though. The challenge is in approaching school in such a way that matches the way they love to learn. That challenge is a work in progress at our house. I don't think school should be looked at as a responsibility or work though. This attaches a negative connotation to school. School should be a time to explore and learn and find answers to many questions. School should be looked at as a blessing rather than a responsibility or work, IMHO. When my boys whine that they don't want school, I always try to keep it positive. I'll often say things like "Yea! We get to have school tomorrow!" or point out something fun we are going to do soon. Expressing excitement about the subject matter helps turn their attitude around too. Some children will never "fit" with the typical method of schooling.
I agree with Meg that this is a discipline issue. I would also agree with Sommer's philosophy, but.... In this case, I think it would be seen as him "winning." I would firmly inform him that he has two choices: go to public school or homeschool and get over his attitude. And tell him that if, and ONLY IF, he is able to act like a reasonable 10 year-old without the discipline issues (within reason, of course), that you will let him tailor a school day a week to his interests and such. Meaning if he acts right, he gets rewarded with a day of learning entirely his way. Of course, the end result should be to work up to 5 days a week of him learning his way. But the discipline issue needs to be addressed first.
I have heard of families doing a homeschool contract with certain kids. It just lists the Parents expectations. "We will do X,Y,Z... and we expect you to do A, B, C..." There should be measurable goals and behaviors. It needs to be structured in such a way that the child is making a decision to make it work or not, and everyone can see the answer clearly. Then if you do decide to enroll him, he knows he has made the decision.
PS - I don't think living up to your responsibilities should be seen as a negative thing. We all need to learn to do that. It's just part of growing up.
I'm curious, have you ever looked into ODD with him? He just really sounds so much like Garrett with his "I'm going to do things my way" attitude. The best book I have found to deal with our issues was The Defiant Child, the biggest thing for me is follow through.... which with a parcel of other kids in the house sometimes gets hard because they need me too.
Hmm my two cents. First I think what Jackie is saying is true. Not that it's a wait till you Dad comes home thing. But more of a man talking to a younger man that will influence him(hopefully) into becoming a better man. To teach him to realize that men do not behave towards their mothers or other women in this fashion. Sometimes men need to hear it from someone other then their mother. That being said I lean toward Meg's view on the whole you've got two choices stay here and learn or go to school. It sounds like he has choosen to stay home but again seems like maybe the methods need to be examined. At his age the screaming needs to addressed for sure or you will have teen who is very hard to take. And remember at his age puberty and hormones are starting to effect him. It's time to let him realize he is in control of his body even if his body makes him feel like he isn't. What I mean is the hormones may be making his temper rage but ultimately he can control it. Further as to the angst with siblings. Tell him that if that continues he will have to work in his room. Because you do have a new baby on the way tell him you were really hoping to rely on his being a better role model to the younger siblings. That it is a huge responsibility but you think if he works on his temper he would be fantastic at being a good influence. And talk to him now about his dreams and goals for his own life. It isn't too early to think about what he would like to do after home education. The teens pass really quickly. And then let him be more independent like crazymomma said. One term off to unschool may be all he needs to realize school wasn't as traumatic as he thought. Take the time to get to know the young man you have better. And if all else fails remember this too will pass and you aren't alone
OK, here is goes...I am going to lay all my problems on the table. With my oldest we have always had a power struggle from day one. I tried to work with him and accomidate him when he was younger and I even tried to give him some control over things that I felt would help him feel like he had "power" such as choosing his own clothes, getting his own breakfast, deciding what he wants for lunch, etc. As time went on he has has demanded more and more power. He wants to be in charge of the household and he is extremely lazy. He is getting really bad lately. This last year he has gone from horrible to be around, to I can't stand to even look at him because I feel so much anger. He won't do his chores, or schoolwork and he picks on his siblings constantly. They are always screaming at him and them screaming at me because I am not fast enough to stop him from doing things to them. He screams at me daily and if he's not screaming at me or harrassing his siblings he silently sneaks away to do whatever he wants...which is usually something he is not supposed to do. I have spanked, put in time, grounded, give extra chores, taken away privledges and more. It is not that I stand around and take it from him...he has flat out told me that he doesn't care what his "punishments" are because they don't effect him. My dh has stepped in and had talks with him about disrespect and how it's not tolerated and he has spanked him and done everything I have done as far as punishments go too. There have even been a few times when he has said something to me that was so shocking I slapped his face. I regret doing that, but at the time...well...it was fitting. He just seems to be a very angry disturbed young man who "wants what he wants" at any cost. And it's getting worse. He also steals things from people....money, pens, paper, toys, anything he sees that he wants. I can't take him anywhere without fearing that he will take something. I have even had to check all his pockets before we leave places to make sure he isn't taking anything....and still he ended up taking something. His brother finally told me that he hides the thing he wants in his shoes, or his underwear so that I can't find them. I really just don't know where to turn at this point. As for schoolwork, I have tried hands-on, wrokbooks, videos, just reading books on things he likes, unit studies, lapbooks, everything I could think of. He still doesn't care. He will throw the books at me, or the manipulatives, or whatever we are using at the time just so he doesn't have to do work. He understands that my dh goes to work everyday and doesn't always like his job but he has to do it. He understands that I have to do laundry and dishes and pick up even though I don't like it, he just thinks he is exempt from doing anything. He has the worst "I don't care about anything" attitude I have ever seen. In his free time (I use that term loosely since it seems he always has free time since he won't do anything else) he is jumping on the trampoline, destroying his room, hurting his siblings, sneaking outside to roam the neighborhood, jumping the fence and sneaking off down the road behind our house that has fast moving traffic, etc. He doesn't just get free time...he just takes it whether or not he has permission. I have thought about putting him in something like Tae-Kwan-do, but everytime it is brought up he gets angry. I don't know if it will really help or not anyway. I do know that one of the things he is angry with me about is that he doesn't get to see his friends everyday. Um, they are all in ps and then they have homework and several of them take lessons and aren't able to play during the weekdays. He doesn't understand that and takes it out on me by screaming. Besides, when he acts like that I don't know if he really deserves to play with friends. Ok, this is long which I didn't mean it to be, but I just need to get somethings off my chest and hopefully your wonderful ladies will have some suggestions for me. BTW, he does have a sweet side and he can be an angel...it's just few and far between when that happens.
I would get super strict on him. If he can not behave then he does has not earned the privelege of a relaxed day. Do I think learning should be fun? Yes, but sometimes we have to do things we dont want to do and that is just the end of that. I would make him earn his TV, friend, and game time with good behavior. Then I would work up to allowing him more freedom with his school time. He needs to know that you will not tollerate this and that good choices reap good rewards and that bad choices reap immediate and definite consequences. Sit down with him and talk about specific rules and expectations. Give him specific consequences (good and bad) and hold him to those. When he starts behaving then you can offer him grace with minor offenses but for now I would put the law down and stick to it!
Ok, after reading your second post here.. I am going to tell you again he sounds like he has ODD to me. Garrett does many of the same things you describe... throwing things at me isn't a common thing, but the mouth and the looks and the slamming things and breaking things is. The sneaking out and also we have trouble with him just taking what he wants... luckily it's stuck to just at home so far and not in stores... but I'm expecting that day to come too :roll:. Get the book I talked about. Another thing that I learned a lot from was the Total Transformation system.
Thanks Sommer. I will look into ODD and see what I can do. Do you use the total transformation system with Garrett?
Wowzers..it seems like he is looking for attention in all the wrong ways. You say you can't stand to be around him. That's a pretty harsh thing to say and I am sure he feels your animosity towards him. Perhaps he is feeling shoved aside with another baby on the way and your distance from him. Talk to him ask him why he is doing these things. Tell him first you would like to talk and yes he could yell but yelling won't get to the root of the problem. Say to him if possible could he just tell you why he is doing this, this and this. Say you are very worried for his future. And say that you want only the best for him and that if he doesn't want to talk to you maybe he could talk to Dad about the problems or feelings he is experiencing. And then remember that you need to let him be free to yell his feelings without being hurt. Get that motherly love and wrap yourself in it tight, it will be a rough conversation that may be just what you need. Failing that route try some sort of intervention from an outside counsellor. I don't know if those are expensive or free where you are. Also you could try having the pastor of the church be a mediator/counsellor. It sounds as though there is so much more to his resenting school then just the school work. He is starting to look for himself in the world, where is he going to fit, and so on. Its a bumpy and rough road for a young man have patience and love in your heart.
Do you ever do "date nights" (or Saturdays) with each of your kids individually? I agree with much of what's been said to this point, but I think the one on one time is one I didn't see mentioned. I like to go to movies and such with my older son alone once in a while just to give him some undivided attention. Now that the younger one is getting closer to 2, he's started going places by himself with dad, too. (The older one does all the time, but daddy's not big on the diaper stage. He likes older kids a lot more.) We like to separate them when possible so they know we love them equally.
I guess I didn't clarify. It's not that I can't stand to be around him ever...it's only when he is throwing things at me and screaming in my face. Sommer- I looked up ODD and OMGosh! I don't know why not one has ever told me about it before. It sounds just like him. I will for sure be reading up on it. Would it be good to get him disagnosed by his dr, or should I just self diagnose?? We have done one-on-one dates in the past and they seem to trigger something in him that makes him more angry so we stopped. Maybe we should start again and see if they help.
After reading your second post it appears as this isn't just a school issue, but a behavior issue. I might take him to a professional to see if you can get some specific advice. I have heard of some parents stripping their child's room of everything put a bed, pillow, and blanket. Everything else (including time with friends) had to be earned back through good behavior.
