I don't know how to be a parent. I don't know how to interact with my kids. I don't know how to play with them. I don't know how to discipline them. My oldest is the one I'm truely struggling with. We have enough toys and outdoor equipment and things for her to do but she doesn't want to play with these and seems bent on doing the things she's not allowed to do. When I leave the room she makes one of the kids cry. When she had a friend over they ripped the safety net off the trampoline while I was changing a nappy. When another friend was over they managed to bend one of poles on the trampoline while I was making dinner. She hides while she does something she knows she's not allowed to do and then comes and confesses. Today has been a string of things like leaving baby gates and doors open, which ment Anaia went and woke up the baby so the baby screamed. Then while I was settling the baby, Loralei left the jam and marge on the counter, which ment Anaia was in there eating the marge with a spoon and finger painting with the jam. While I was cleaning that up she went in my room and found a treat DH left for me and ate it so I put her in time out then sent her outside. Minutes later she was back in saying she'd had an accident (they're always well timed accidents). At this point I started YELLING so loud the neighbours could hear every word and then I sent her back outside and slammed the door. Yesterday I bought her a treat I know she likes and she was happy and ate it but 10 minutes later was b*tching and whining about it. Treats are rare in our family because of a tight budget. It feels like everytime we do something nice for her she uses it against us later that day. It feels like nothing we do works. Time out doesn't work but we still use it because we don't know what else to do. Taking away toys doesn't work because she figures she'll get them back sooner or later. Sending the toy to the salvation army store doesn't work, she volunteers toys. The only way DH and I were diciplined was being hit and yelled out but we don't want that for our kids. I don't know if it's just attention seeking or acting out because she only see daddy 2-3 times a week. Some days I just want to hide in my room because even constant supervision doesn't work, she just starts complaining about anything and everything and trying to pick a fight. Sometimes I get so exhausted I need an afternoon nap for about 30-60 minutes and during that time she'll make her sister cry and wake me to ask stupid questions that start with, "Ummmmmmmmmmm..." and end with, "Never mind I just forgetted." I could go on and on and on. Apparently she's only copying what she sees and hears at home which sends my parental guilt level into orbit. I don't know what to do.:cry:
I'm so tired. It feels like I've spent the last four years trying to be positive and preemptive but it doesn't work. It feels like I'm trying to stop the tide coming in. Some days I can't see the wood for the trees or the light at the end of the tunnel. My mum lectures me when I ask her to have the kids and everyone else seems too busy with their own lives plus they make comments about "Putting her in school will fix everything." Sometimes ps seems like a great idea but then I think of all the new things she'll learn to drive me nuts and it'll all get conentrated into the time when she's not at school.
Checking the birthdates you posted, I'd have to say that part of that is just being six. I have to say, I'm not against swatting a fanny when it's appropriate (used rarely, has more impact). With a bare hand, max 3 swats. Not when angry, but just as a predictable consequence. I also use time-out, but mine might do their time out (a minute per year of age) on their knees instead of just sitting, and if they get out of time out, time is started over. Six minutes for six years. I think I would probably pack up ALL the toys, and let her earn them back one at a time by showing consideration for others, going X-length of time without an infraction of the known rules, or whatever other schedule you think will work, AFTER no toys at all for a week. A door or a gate left open, I would send her back to close it 6 times while repeating "Must keep the gate closed for safety." or something similar. If she ate my treat, I would have bought her a treat I know she likes, then eaten it myself in front of her. You ate mine, so it's only fair I get yours. (Next time there are any treats to be had, because I realize she'd had hers and b*tched about it before she ever took yours.) CATCH HER BEING GOOD. This may be hard, but if you have to, manufacture an opportunity to be able to give her verbal (atta girl!) and physical (hugs) acknowledgement for being/doing good. If she's doing it for attention, it may be that she's decided that bad attention is better than no attention, so give her good attention every time you can. NOT flattery! but genuinely good attention. For instance, tell the little one (who's probably quite content to sit by for a couple minutes) that she'll have to wait because you're (whatever: talking with, preparing food for, reading to, hugging, playing with) big sister right now, and let big sis hear you tell little sis this. Tell Loralei that with her being the big sis, you're going to be depending on her a lot more soon, and she needs to be the example for little sis and baby brother. I'm sure those who have raised way more kids than I have (I've only had two, and one of those was "the perfect child") will be able to give lots better advice than I can!
You're right there! If she can write or copy, I've also used "writing lines" as a consequence. "I will always tell the truth." copied about a million times. "I will close the door." "I will not touch what doesn't belong to me." or whatever suits.
I understand. It is difficult to be a parent, but it is even more so when you didn't have great role models growing up. Have you tried having your oldest "assist" you when you are trying to get things done? I have found that both of my children really respond to this. They LOVE helping me. When you are making lunch, have her clear/set the table, when you are with the baby, have her sing to him, and just do little things like that. You could even be teaching her through singing. I also noticed that your baby is not even a month old. A family shakeup can be a very hard thing for a kid to adjust to, even if she has done it before. I think by including her the things that you are doing, it might help her to feel needed (and who among us doesn't want to be needed?) and it might help her to know that she still holds a special place with you. The time that her father is with her, I would suggest emphasizing that time. Encourage him to take her to the park or an hour, or the library, or anything where they can get some really great one on one time. It might help to ease the time spent apart. Also, remember that you are not alone! None of us are perfect parents, and we all need to work on ourselves and our parenting tactics constantly.
Look into Love and Logic books. They've helped me tremendously! (When I use them. I tend to get lazy and stop doing the techniques even though I know they work and take less energy than being exhausted by bad behavior all the time).
I agree with the suggestions Lindina made. My dad always had a saying when we'd act like that... he's say we were "getting too big for our breeches"... which meant we were trying to usurp authority any manipulative way we could. She needs to learn - right now - who's boss, because it'll get worse as she gets older. It'll be a battle at first, but don't back down. She needs to see a consistent, predictable pattern of rewards and punishments. She needs to see that everything you do (good or bad) is done with love. At 6, you can even begin to explain cause & effect. (Not during a "Whyyyy?!" meltdown, but later, when you can really sit and talk uninterrupted.) With toddlers, you just have to correct wrong-doings quickly. Things are pretty black & white with little ones. When a child gets older, though, you can explain more and more about actions, consequences, and why she's being rewarded or punished for behaviors. You can help her relate to the feelings of others and treat people the way she'd want to be treated. You can begin teaching the value of time and money in a more tangible way than what's presented in a textbook. She can "earn" time and money for things she wants or "earn" time and money paybacks when she does something wrong. It takes a strong person to admit they're not supermom, by the way! I'm glad you posted this. No one knows what they're doing unless they've already done it before, yet everyone seems to think they can get through life without looking like a weakling, needing advice and help from others.
Thanks for your replies everyone. I understand how you got muddled Renae. I'm a home based child carer, the baby mentioned in the post is one that I look after 3 days p/w. We catch her being good but that seems to trigger another bout of being difficult :roll:. I try keep my apprentice by my side but sometimes she's playing so nicely I think, "She'll be fine while I quickly..." Nec minit... I'm sure we'll figure out what works eventually. It's just somedays I can understand how some parents snap and do something awful. DH finds it weird that all I have to say is, "Umbrella of Protection, Loralei." And she suddenly stops whatever it is she's doing that she shouldn't be. If she obeys God and her parents she will be under the umbrella of our protection from the rain of bad things in the world. If she disobeys God or her parents she steps out from under our umbrella of protection. She even drew a picture and explained it to him :lol: I like the sound of lines. I've also heard of moving bedtime forward for each breach of family rules. They can earn time back with good behaviour. You use two paper plate clocks to show their normal bedtime and what time they'll be going to bed tonight.
Beau has this issue too. He gets into trouble for stupid little things (like using my only toothbrush to clean the walls...giving us dirty looks, mouthing off, telling us "No" and "I will Never do xxxxxxx which is whatever we need him to do") Is was a huge problem for awhile, but we found his weak spot. Turns out he was just feeling left out. Paddy is the way he is and we talk about him alot, Marion is the way he is and we talk about him alot too. We guessed that he never really heard his dad and I praise HIM between ourselves. It was always understood between DH and I that Beau was decent and we knew what to expect from him and that was it. But to Beau, it was always about everybody else and not about him. So now (almost like catching him being good) we will talk amongst ourselves about how great he was during the day. In the beginning it was hard. I couldn't find anything to say good about him except things like, "He went up and down the stairs safely today", or "He sat down at the table to eat the first time I called him". Then, when he heard us talking good about him he behaviors sorta melted away, and we discovered he was VERY tenderhearted. All it took me after that was to tell him that when he has bad behaviors or makes bad choices (this is what they taught us in college. The Child never has a bad attitude or acts bad, they just make bad choices sometimes.....I never used it until I had kids) I would tell him that his bad choices really hurt my feelings and make me sad. He'll apologize and cry a river in my lap. He hates to dissapoint. So, my advice is to catch her being good as often as possible, and while she is within earshot talk about her FIRST to let her know that what she does matters, and to let her know that she doesn't always come last. Having said this, I'm glad you posted because I'm always looking for more strategies for discipline. I have a VERY quick temper and very little patience (then why do I have kids right?! lol) and I feel very imperfect sometimes, and I carry around alot of guilt like you do for things you've done or just haven't done. It's alright to admit your not perfect like 2LittleBoys says. Hang in there!!!
I think you've gotten some fantastic advice here, especially from Lindina. I have nothing to really add as I have no experience here, but I do want to second the Love and Logic book recommendation. I've heard great things about that book!
I think it sounds like she needs one on one time with mommy and no one else. Have you done that with her. When daddy comes home to watch the other one take her outside and play with her awhile or go for a walk, read with her. Bake something in the kitchen with her. Give her a bath. Go to the store and do shopping. Sometimes they just need a little one on one.
I recommend the love and Logic book, too. We've used the techniques for about 5-6 years. The suggestions make sense and actually help the child understand that they are responsible for their own actions. You don't have to argue, plead, yell. It puts you back in charge.
Emjay, you have a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. When I faced problems like that and was at my wits end--and usually the end of my energy as well--I would go to the Lord in prayer and tears, and he graciously gave me ideas and answers. I had a major melt-down over how to teach my oldest to read. ( He's ADHD, though I didn't know that 'til he was 21.) After the cry and pray session I had some ideas and implemented them, and a few years later an educational psychologist told me that I'd used the best possible method to teach this kid. That scenario played itself out many times over the 17 years I homeschooled, and never once did the Lord desert me or fail to give me the help I needed. I'll pray for you and for your rest.
My 6 yr old boy can be quite the terror sometimes. But like others said, some children need to feel included. As a middle child, in our home, he tends to get overlooked. Left to his own devices, on a busy day, he will get into all sorts of trouble, but if his dad or I ask him to help us with whatever we're doing (gardening, painting, woodwork, cooking, etc), he is suddenly really eager to help and will be a little angel for the rest of the day! It really sounds to me like your daughter is doing whatever she possibly can to get your attention. Show her that she doesnt need to act out to get it Good luck, and hugs!
Thank you everyone Between work and our family dynamics it can be difficult to have one on one time with her that isn't to do with homeschool or housework but I will try harder. She told me today she's trying to be like her 10y/o friend. Problem is her friend is going through a 'I don't need to listen to anybody, too cool for rules' stage and driving her parents insane.
I have felt a similar sense of failure as a parent. I don't think I have been the worst parent, but I certainly haven't been the best either. There are many reasons, but when I look back, I see some glaring failures and I seldom look at my successes. I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. You are truly having a hard time, no doubt about it, but a lot of people go through the same thing and react the same way and they are good parents. Of course, you don't want yelling and fussing all the time, so it is a good idea to research and pray and think of good ways to implement small changes that will eventually lead to large changes. When I started homeschooling my son, it was very difficult and I was very negative and overbearing. It made for a pretty miserable two years. I had to readjust my attitude towards learning, towards my son, and towards general expectations in life. Take it step by step. One word of practical advice- take a day or two off of the normal routine and just relax with your kids without many chores (just pick up and put away what you use) and no school. Try to include them in something you enjoy and try to involve yourself in some things they enjoy (even if for 15 minutes or so). Then build on that.
