Thank you We have decided to unschool for a couple of weeks. No one will notice because the public schools are on holiday too
Thank you. I'm about to check it out. She's been tricky to handle since she was a week old and she was strong enough to push herself away from me and scream until my dad took her. When she was a toddler and hurt she'd cry twice as hard and scream at me if I tried to help or comfort her. Little things like that.
Hi, Emjay. I wouldn't rule out school for your strong-willed little one. I hs'd my 11 yr old Jeannie until this year. Like you, I worried about putting her in school- the things she'd pick up, etc. But- it hasn't gone that way at all. Her handwriting, which I couldn't get her to move beyond chicken scratch, is now like fine calligraphy, because she sees the other girls with their flowery cursive.. She tries harder on her work, because she sees the other kids doing their best.. She makes extra sure her things are all together for the next day, because there is an uber-organized girl in her class, and Jeannie tries to copy that. So, while I worried school would be a flop, it actually accomplished things I couldn't get accomplished here..even with generous bribery! It's insulting on one hand, that I couldn't get her total cooperation, but on the other hand..well..does it really matter what moved her to improve her cursive? Kwim? I wish you well, hon. You have a lot on your plate.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I play and make things fun and joke around and she still gets upset. I try to ignore certain things and be extremely patient and calm and she just keeps pushing and Pushing and PUSHING. Her workbooks require just one page a day (we could even stretch it out to one page every 2-3 days) or one unit a week but she whinges and whines and moans and groans and cries and procrastinates and complains and draaaaags it out. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does she have to be so difficult? Its like she loves being miserable and upset! Or making me miserable and upset. Even food is an issue, which is a problem when there's supposed to be 3meals and 2-3 snacks each day. She asked for weet-bix without sugar for breakfast, and didn't like it. So I made her weet-bix with warm milk, vanilla and brown sugar, and she didn't like it. She asked for homemade tomato soup and helped me make it, and she didn't like it. She asks for something and then doesn't like it. We have 3 schools in our town. One she'd be in class with a boy who used to be her friend but now bullies her and encourages her to do sexual things. Another has a very bad reputation for drugs, gangs, and academic failure. And the last one is waaay out of our budget. If she attends ps school for even one day I have to reapply for homeschooling. So if we sent her to ps and it doesn't work out, or she realises what a sweet deal she has at home, I have to write a new application for exemption (should be easy the second time around though). But then not having to deal with her for 6 hours five days a week sounds like heaven at the moment. Horrible I know but I might just go insane by the end of the year, between her attitude and Anaia being a toddler and the baby. Good thing I'm not returning to work after having baby (just haven't told DH yet). ETA: I don't expect her to behave like a perfect angelic child or to be begging to do book work. It'd just be nice to get through the day without every tiny thing being a drama. I'm trying to change my attitude because I can't change hers or the situation. She's in the kitchen with DH now doing her workbooks because I blew up after 3 hours of trying to get her to do her math.
She certainly sounds like a handful! The thing to remember, though, is that although you can't change how strong-willed she is, she still needs to learn to conduct herself properly. She might want to scream, but that doesn't make it okay to do so. In other words: focus on changing her behaviour, not her herself. Being strong-willed will be great for some areas of her life, but not if she doesn't learn some basic behavioural rules first. Have you read Love and Logic? It's basically designed for making kids with strong minds think about what they are doing and become more empathetic, and not react to things immediately based on emotions but to wait a few seconds before reacting with logic by thinking about others. They have a website and a book. It sounds like you have coped very well, but are nearing the end of your rope. And if you want a change, then you have to do things differently. Find a new way of doing things for a week or two and see how she responds. Best wishes for you and your daughter.
Emjay, fix this child ONE meal. If she chooses not to eat it, let her go without. She will not starve herself. If she goes an entire day without eating, it's on her. Do NOT provide multiple alternatives. "This is what we're having. The choice is either eat it or don't." Do NOT provide snacks for her, do NOT provide foods she can get for herself. If you can't bring yourself to do this, then provide ONE alternative - at my house it would be a peanut butter sandwich, for any meal. Don't like what I've prepared? here's your peanut butter sandwich (also prepared by me). They get tired of that pretty quickly. Absolutely refuse to show that you're frazzled by her behavior. It might get even worse for a time, until she figures out that you're not going to explode. If she's just doing it to watch you be upset, take away that "reward". For the schoolwork, make sure nothing else happens until the one page is done. No playing, no eating, no nothing. This also might take some time, but wait her out. Quietly explain that getting it done is important to you, and that nothing else will happen until the work is done. I've had to do this a lot with my grandson lately - I put him on his knees until he's ready to do the work, and he tells me when he's ready - then he starts and gets the assignment done. Sometimes it takes 20 or 30 minutes. I'm so feeling with you on this!
This is it! I have a VERY strongwilled child. It looks like your child has a. learned to push your buttons and get you upset and b. decided that she wants to be in charge. It seems that sometimes my strongwilled one decides, "Ok, mom. I will do it your way, but I will get even with you. I will scream, yell throw a temper fit and make you pay for it. " When I remain calm, firm and consistent, I can outlast her and things go better. But I cannot stoop to her level and respond in like manner, nor can I give in to her. Learn the non-comittal shrug. Oh, you don't like what I fixed. shrug. ok. fine. Let me know when you get hungry. You don't want to do school. Aww....well that is so sad. You just sit there till you decide to finish up. You want to watch a movie instead? Sure you can, when your page is done. I have to go put in some laundry. I hope you have some work done when I get back. I'd love to have you help me make some cookies, so finish up with that page and then we will make cookies at x o'clock. If x o'clock comes and she is not done, you make those cookies without her. She will learn pretty quickly that she can do her work and get it over with or sit there bored for hours. She is getting attention from you by being dramatic, so stop the attention when she is misbehaving. This must be done in a matter of fact, calm cheerful tone of voice. No pleading, no nagging, no complaining. Don't tell her that it shouldn't take her that long. Just give the expectation and stay busy doing other things. You can say, "I will sit with you as long as you are working, but when you start complaining or crying, I will find something else to do." Then do it. If she starts on the drama, you start folding clothes, ironing, washing dishes.
Thank you guys, your posts were exactly what I needed to read. She has learnt to push my buttons (and DH's and my mum's). Normally there is one alternative - an apple. DH and I had a long talk after the girls went to bed that night and we have agreed that we're going to start putting our family first instead of everyone else. So I'll stop working when I reach 36 weeks and won't be returning to work. We have agreed that me educating our children and looking after our family's well-being is more important than the meager wage I bring in. We have agreed we need to be on the same page when it comes to routines, rules and consequences. Previously he and my mum have openly critisised my attempts and then done their own thing, which seems to be anything other than what I'm trying to do. And I've been a doormat by letting them do so. And I'm pretty sure Loralei has been playing on that lack of unity. DH has realised that not being united has helped make things a lot harder for all of us. So we've decided on our family's routine, rules and consequences, plus tips for how to handle things better than we have been. I've printed them out and laminated them and placed them where we can all refer to them. Here's hoping Thank you again for your help and advice
I'd hold off on that for a bit, until the new united front and consistency of discipline has been in place for awhile. STICK TO YOUR GUNS! You can't force her to do anything, but you can refuse to do one single solitary thing until she's done what you ask AND you can refuse to get upset about it (on the outside anyway). You need to be okay with her "just sitting" until her schoolwork is done, no matter what else doesn't get done while you're waiting her out. I don't know if you believe it or not (some do, some don't), but your state of mind affects your unborn child, and what you get upset by will upset him later on. You're essentially choosing how he reacts to things - and people - by how you react now. So calm is the order of the day!
Emjay, i was exactly where you are now. I remember calling my dh in tears (once again) to cry about my oldest (then 5) and told him we had to take him to a psychiatrist. And my dh agreed, but he cautioned: okay, we'll take him, but you realize that means that once we do that, we are going to have to follow through with whatever they say, right? He meant that we would lose some control over the situation. We would be saying we can't handle it; you do something about this boy. So, if they wanted to put him on meds, label him, try behavioral therapy, I would have to go along with it (at least give it a good shot). That sobered me up. I was not yet ready to give up control. So, I finally bought The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. I had looked at it in the bookstore for years, but I hated the title. Silly me. He was a difficult child. Not high-spirited or whatever other euphemism folks want to use. But the book itself was wonderful. Basically, the thesis is that some children are born with difficult temperaments. It is our job as parents to figure out which behaviors are due to temperament and they have no control over, and which behaviors are just bad. Both types of behavior need to be dealt with, but in different ways. For instance, some kids are physically sensitive, hate itchy clothes. Other kids, need lots of time to transition from one activity to another. You learn ways to work with that. It is such a good book. Truly, it changed my life as a parent.
The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. I think I remember crying when I read the first chapter because he described so well the feeling of being so alone and feeling like you're not a good parent. I've read plenty of parenting books and including the Raising Your Spirited Child one and this is by far my favorite.
Thank you Lindina. I told DH I'd go make an appointment on Monday but then I conveniently forgot and he hasn't said anything. I do believe a mothers thoughts and feeling affect her unborn child and how they react to things later. Thank you Amethyst. Monday morning DH watched me sit serenely through Loralei's biggest tantrum yet. When she was about to vomit I calmly passed her a container and a glass of water. My voice stayed quiet and unruffled and I explained that nothing was happening until her work was done. It was a looong day but mum helped by taking Anaia for the day and Dh gave me hugs and reassurance between rounds. Then this morning when the book work came out she started to launch into a tantrum but then flopped into her chair and got on with it. Every now and then she'd start revving up for a tantrum but then heave a huge sigh and growl like a teenager and get on with it. For the first time in months she got through all of her work (took her about 7 hours but hey still a big improvement on yesterday).
Well, awright, Emjay! If she can sigh, groan, and get on with it, then it's not a compulsion, not out of her control, it IS do-able! It proves she is trainable, and that you CAN do this! Way to go, Mommy! Next hurdle: When she gives you the "I don't want to/I don't feel like it" over something else that would be helpful to you (pick up her toys, help in the kitchen, whatever), just do it yourself, and then when she wants to do something she usually gets to do that she needs you for (go to the park, go here or there), you tell her no. Your reason: "I don't want to/I don't feel like it". No fighting, no tantrums, no upset. She's smart; she'll figure it out.
Yay, Emjay! Well done, and may you have the strength to keep up the good work. One of the students I tutor likes to test me, too, and I use much the same tactics. For example, she arrives at my house eager to play outside. I tell her we're going to read first. Moans, groans, dramatic drooping... I point out calmly that we're not going outside until she reads a chapter. More histrionics. "This is all time that we could be playing outside," I say, pleasantly. I also add, in a tone of mild regret, "Boy, I'd sure like to be outside right now, wouldn't you?" And finally, the child heaves a huge sigh, drapes herself over the back of the couch, and starts reading. So, okay, she's not sitting nicely beside me, but she's doing an awesome job on her book. I consider it a win! Her mum once told me that none of her other tutors have worked out. I have sympathy for them - it's really hard to be patient all the time. But the payoff is enormous!
I'm trying to be serene and tranquil. I know things often get worse before they get better and I know she's just testing our resolve. Her behaviour is escalating. Mum has been taking Anaia 9am-5pm each weekday. DH and I tag team when he is home, one of us taking over when we see the other can't handle much more. When he isn't home I put her in time out while I try to regain my composure. The preemptive hypervigilance needed (to prevent her hurting herself or others or damaging things) is exhausting so I'm in bed as soon as Loralei is. DH went and made a doctors appointment for 30-05-12. He figures either things will have improved and we can cancel or they won't improve and the appointment is there. He figures if it turns out she has something that is making her difficult then we'll know what we're dealing with and can manage it better.
My six year old goes through periods of not wanting to do school as well. I tend to use a combination of consistency (no other fun stuff until x or y is done) cajoling, and humor (what, you aren't old enough to read this book.... You can't READ can you.... you CAN! OMG! Well there you go, you proved me wrong. She always gets a little kick out of that type of joking). She also gets a lot of one on one attention during school. She does much better when she can sit on my lap and do math, than when she's alone. Sometimes I make deals with her so I can do something else. If she has 15 subtraction probs and I know she doesn't really need the extra practice I will tell her she only has to do 10 if she does it by herself. On my lap it will be 15. It works! I also give her breaks between each subject. Two pages of math, 20 minutes to play. Read to me, another 20 to play. It works out and I can use her play time to help the other kids, load the dishwasher etc. Granted she is the youngest and my oldest are much more independent with school. Yours will grow up eventually! It's hard to see now, but in a few years you will have three kids who are all school age and you will be wanting more babies! Edited to add, I remember when my son was that age and used to throw GINORMOUS tempertantrums. He was sent to his room with a tantrum one day and started throwing his toys down the stairs. I told him that he would lose any toys he threw down, so he started throwing his SISTERS toys down the stairs! Smart little bugger! So I had to say for every toy he threw I got to PICK one of his toys to go away. He finally stopped. But you are on the right track with calm. Don't react to her tantrums and they will eventually reduce in number and intensity. And she WILL most likely get better with maturity.
PROGRESS! Today Loralei bounces up to me and says "Muuuuum, if I finish all my chores and all my homeschool can I go to Granma's?" I said, "yes" and she sat down and announced she had done her chores and was starting with her math and then zoomed through 6 pages in an hour it wasn't that long ago she took 90minutes to do 1 page. Then she went into the kitchen and ate a banana and yogurt before sitting back down and zoomed through social studies and handwriting. Out came the reading books and she read the first one fairly easily, sounding out as needed. But then, with the second book, she had a meltdown for over an hour over the word 'tan'. What got me was she'd sounded it out and gotten it right and then started melting down:?: Anyway over an hour later I lost my composure and YELLED at her to just stop it and finish reading the book so we could get on with our day! And she did. She finished reading the book, then did a science experiment, and was finished for the day. So minus the tantrum she got all her work done in 3 hours! My sister dropped by during the science experiment so after that we went to a cafe with her then dropped Loralei off at Granma's.
So we saw the doctor today. I'd written down all of our concerns, the 'symptoms', a time line, how we've been trying to handle things, medical history that might be related, etc. so I could just let her read it all... so much less hassle than me trying to explain it all succinctly. We have been referred onto a team of specialists. The first meeting will be in a couple of months and be quite long, after that they'll know which specialist/s are best suited to our situation.
