Ok, ladies. This is a sensitive subject so you are forwarned. Have any of you reached a point in your marriage were things just don't seem to have the sparkle and snap that they once did? I am trying to come up with the best words to describe our situation. So please forgive my stuttering ramblings. I still love my dh very, very much. It just seems as if the fire has gone out. It feels like the pressures of the world have gotten in the way of everything we are trying to do. We snap at each other constantly, we are both always on edge. We have slowly been working on this. He has really cut back on his drinking which has helped but I just feel disillusioned with the whole thing. I don't want out at all, thats not it but I do want some relief. It doesn't help that we hardly see each other with my work schedule but with his work cut back we can't lose my hours. I guess I am just looking for someone to listen with out judging. So back to my question have any of you felt this way and how did you get out of the funk? A vacation would probably do wonders for us, but we can't afford it. I think part of it is him doing a midlife crisis of some sort. He turns 40 in Oct and he has been moody and difficult to get along with for the last year or so. I am struggling to keep his spirits up with out any refueling for myself. I never was a cheerleader *shiver* that just isn't me and I find myself in that role more and more with him. I need some rousing myself and I just can't seem to find it. Thank you for listening.
Can you plan a bit of time each week for just you two? Even if it is just sitting on the porch, drinking tea (or whatever) and talking. Hubby and I start getting snippy with each other when we don't get enough time together. Also, are there any local churches who has marriage enrichment classes? Hubby and I take those on occasion and it always gives us stuff to talk about and a chance to re-evaluate our relationship!
a book: 1001 ways to be romantic....... you'll get a few ideas to bring the sprakle back....... rent it at the library! ---- there are ideas for cheap, free and high cost ........ but there will sure be something.
I like Bry's idea of making it a goal of spending time together. Even if it's walking around the block. You cannot change his attitude at all. Realize that, and concentrate on your own. No, I don't mean that as a judgmental statement! What I mean is that we ALL need to look realistically at ourselves, and see where we need to improve to help our relationship, not only with our husband. Loving a person is a CHOICE. You've got the desire to improve things; that's the most important step! Also, sit down and watch the movie Fireproof. Carl and I saw it for the first time last week, and it was GREAT!
Jackie is right on. Hubby and I hit a rough spot a bit ago. I realized that I could nothing about him but I could do a lot about myself. I focused on my behavior that was contributing to the relationship and what I could to do to change me. That made a HUGE difference- not only in our relationship but in my feelings towards hubby!
My husband and I nearly split about 5 years ago. Worst summer of my life. Seriously. There were some extenuating circumstances BUT they were all led to by lack of communication, lack of spark, etc. Your husband has job issues? Working less, did you mention? He might feel de-masculated because you have to work to help out. Men thrive on respect. I even MENTION getting a part time job to help out with things and my husband loses it! He feels if we need more $$ he's not doing his job of providing and HE needs to be the one to have a part time job. (not that I would even allow that - I'd sell off everything we owned first!!!). Anyway...even if he's not saying it, maybe he's feeling unappreciated, or bad for not being able to be the sole provider (now...women who work...don't get on me...I'm not saying that if you HAVE TO or WANT TO work that its not workable, I'm only talking about SOME MEN ). As much as it was not working, the thought of not being together scared the both of us silly. MAKE TIME to spend together doing little things...playing card games, reading a book aloud to each other, heck...even just cuddling on the couch and enjoying the same movie. When I start to feel that my husband and I are getting disconnected...I tell him! We can't afford to go out often, so we don't have regular "out" dates...but we do have regular "in" dates where, after the kids go to bed, we watch a movie from netflix, play a card game, or scrabble, or backgammon, whatever. We talk, we laugh, and we recharge. ((HUGS)) it's not a great place to be, BUT it can be gotten through. We just celebrated 14 years on June 3rd. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. Where each partner gives 100% of themselves to the other without expecting a thing in return. If both do it, it works.
Sometimes we can do things and not even realize how our dh will perceive what we are doing. I feel in order to make things work you have to both agree to take down the brick wall and really talk about what is going on. You can't fix things unless you both are on the same page. Use words like "I" and "we" instead of "you" because when things are rough the word you can come across as harsh. Also I feel comes across better than I think. You both have to agree to let the other one talk uninterrupted. kwim?
So far you have gotten great advice. Communication is key. You can't read each other's minds and must communicate what you are both feeling. Setting aside a time each week that is just for the two of you is a great idea! When dh and I get that time alone sometimes we talk about when we first met or first dated or just how we felt about each other back then. It brings back those butterflies we used to feel and also makes us realize what a deep and awesome love we have at this stage of our relationship. Of course then it leads to a little kiss and cuddle session and that NEVER hurts a relationship! lol! My husband is turning 40 in September and even though he hasn't shown any signs at all of any type of midlife anything I've been careful to notice any signs. I have just heard horror stories about when men turn 40 and I don't want that to happen to me. I guess that is just being proactive but thankfully he is the same old guy he has always been with just a little extra stress regarding work and the economy. Just take time to communicate and be with each other even if it is once a week.
well, ive def been there with my dh. we have been through a lot though. our ds was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, then we lost 2 babies half way through our pregnancies, i found out that a girl at work was pursuing my dh and they had actually kissed, and this had been an ongoing flirtation/relationship for a year or two, then we went through infertility, then we got preg and i was so scared of losing the baby, i practically forced him to get a vascect. bc i couldnt stand the thought of losing another child or being preg again, and i knew i wasnt strong enough to make the decisoin and tie my tubes, then the baby was in a very abnormal position and i was on bedrest for about 10 weeks, then when she was born, they thought she had downs, then once that was tested negative, she had horrible accid reflux and screamed, never slept, allergic to formula as well............................................wow, i didnt realize we had been through that much, maybe i need to print this out to remind me what we have made it through, lol. I say all this just to relate, bc we have had some very miserable months, and even years in our marriage of almost 10 years. We have had weeks where we barely talked except for the normal day to day tasks. I literally couldnt stand to be in the room with him, but i still loved him tremendously. We could have split, but like pp, we couldnt imagine being without the other. I think you guys can make it through this but it will take some effort. Things that have helped us....hmmm. Making our alone time a priority!! Even if it is finding a babysitter for 2 hours and going for a drive. Uhmm, i try to imagine exactly what my life would be like without him, and not just the emotional sad stuff, but the practical as well, like i would have to go to work and put my dc in school, my kids would have to be shuttled back and forth, he would be dating and find someone else to share his love with. I think like a pp mentioned, focusing on my faults, and trying my best to fix me. Bc honestly lets face it, if we were everything God meant us to be as a wife to our dh, quiet spirit, respectful, loving, serving, etc, our dh couldnt help but wanna show us the same kind of love right?? (i know not every dh would be this way, but most) this is so hard to do, when your dh snaps at you and might say hurtful things, the human reaction is to snap and hurt back, but if we could do things God's way for a bit, and just respond kindly or even just choose to not respond, then things might be better? i dont know, none of this may be helpful, but know that you are not alone! (((hugs))) Also the vowel renewal idea?? We are doing that on our 10th anniversary this DEC, yay!
It's funny I found this thread.. One day last month I realized I had been daydreaming romantically about someone I used to like. My marriage was sucky, and this daydreaming was just something to cut the boredom, kwim? Well, the more I did this, the worse I felt, because I know better. So, I said let me transfer all this energy onto my spouse. My thought was, maybe it will change things here. Well, it did alittle. My spouse sops up all the attention like biscuits in gravy, but he never initiates attention toward me. So beware that you can put out all this attention trying to help your marriage, but your guy might not return the gesture.
That is how it is meant to be. Even periods of perhaps hating your spouse. But when you get through it, you will have your times again. But sparks cannot go constantly for years on end. There will be peaks and valleys and plateaus. I hope this helps.
Stop trying to lift his spirits. Go lift yours instead. And tell him to let you know when his pms is done. You do not have to be his cheerleader at all times. It is one thing to try to cheer him up and be there for him, it is another think when he sulks and pouts for months on end. It may mean some fighting and arguing to get what you need, but it is worth it. Besides, children of parents who never fight are more likely to end up divorced because they think fighting is not normal and they think marriage does not go on after a fight. It is important for your children to see you and your dh to fight (fight fair and proper and all of course) and then resolve it and have your marriage go on. I don't know if I have helped at all. I hope I have.
We just went through something similar, though there were several outside forces at work trying to drive a wedge between us. As a result, I am working on a book about the whole ordeal, and I started a new blog. It is a bit, well, risque (not too bad, but a bit) and as a result I don't have it posted on my sig line. I only just started it a bit ago, but it is about somethings I have been doing with my hubby to work on that "spark." Maybe you will find it helpful: http://husbandslover.blogspot.com/
I am totally with Krista. Though hubby and I have never even come close to divorce, and we have only ever had one fight.. we have had our ups and downs. We do go out on dates once a month.. even if it is just to Walmart without the kids to do our regular shopping. But on top of that we have started making sure to have "us" time after the kids go to bed pretty much every day. Usually it's just watching tv for a bit or watching a netflix movie (if you don't have netflix, redbox is great too!!! We actually use both!) We will buy some special food and eat it without the kids... shrimp that we put on the grill, or hot wings or well what ever. It is so easy to get into a rut and start taking each other for granted. I have found if we don't make a conscious effort to keep things "fresh" then we fall in that rut within a few days! Now if I could get us out of the rut that we have fallen into in the bedroom department we would be great in every aspect
Wow, that midlife crisis thing can be something. But, you can't let it get you down.. we have to go through it or something all the time. My dh aunt who was married 80 years told me one time there is always a hill to climb, sometime the hill is not easy to get to the top.. but you can't let it push you down you have to get up and fight. DH and I been married for 25 years this month. (I still don't know how we can I am only 29) anyway we have been through alot, I know one lady one time told me I need to write a book. I tell her no one would believe it, because when I sit back I can hardly believe it sometime. DH has had two rounds of cancer, I went through 13 years of infertilely, two early babies.. took a sister in law in to take care of till the Good Lord said it was her time. Now I have my Mother in law. Yes, there has been alot of trying times. But, girl you can do it. This will not be the last of it, something else will come up, but you are strong. Do things with dh that you and him like to do with out the kids, even if it's watching a movie (Like Sommer said) going for a walk, sitting outside and talking which is wonderful, let it out don't hold it in. Go to him tell him how you are feeling and don't feel bad. It might be what he needs to hear. Talk, Talk, Talk.... Hang in there and remember we are here for you...
Maybe see if you can't send the kids to friends houses or family members houses for the night. Don't tell DH when he gets home have a romantic night set aside for him. Spend some quality time. Kid free heck if you can get them out of the house for the whole weekend even better. Trust me one night a week can make a whole world of difference. it means you can order what you want on pizza, watch what you want on tv, go out and shop without all the "I want this and I want that" Just spend some kid free time together. Another thing no matter how boring it is let him talk about his job or what ever and actually listen. Don't talk about the kids unless he wants to. Adult time can bring alot of wow back into a relation ship. GL
I agree with some of what you said.. but I don't think she shouldn't talk about the kids.. that is important part of there life. I think he needs to listen to her too... if she wants to talk about the kids he should listen...
There is a lot of great advice so far, and I ditto spending time with your DH. My DH and I met and got engaged in 2 weeks and were married 2 months later. We didn't have time to really get to know each other before. Needless to say, our 1st year was a NIGHTMARE! Not only were we young, dumb and trying to get to know each other, but I was pregnant the first 9 months (dang honeymoon). During our first 6 years together we had great times but we we also had some of the hardest times. One of the things we would fight over is him coming home and either watching TV or playing on the computer until bedtime. He didn't help with the kids very much and I was so frustrated with him. I am the type to bottle up all my feelings and then when I reach a breaking point just let them all out and we end up having a major fight. We once had a fight last 2 weeks because I thought I was right and until he would admit it I right I wasn't going to give in. I eventually came to my senses and realized I was the one making the problem worse. We had a difference of opinions and I ended up apologizing. We never fight over money or finances though...we decided long ago that we have none, so why fight? The last few years have been so much better because we have made an extra effort in spending time with each other. Most nights we put the kids to bed and watch our TV shows that we recorded. Sometimes he will massage my feet which is heavenly, and he just loves cuddling on the couch. When we get in the thick of life and it feels like we are in a routine I start to feel like I have a roommate and not a husband. I have to step back and really focus on him. I will make him his favorite dinner and have it ready when he gets home (he knows I am trying when I do that because dinner is NEVER ready when he gets home ) Or I plan a date night and drop the kids off with their granparents for the evening. Another thing is really listen to him. My DH likes to come home and tell me about his work day, and although it is boring for me, I listen. It helps when he knows he is heard. Also, thank him for things he does. I tell my DH thank you for the small things he does, like when he takes the trash out, clears the table, picks up a mess the kids made etc. He just likes to know he is appreciated. I feel like I have rambled enough so I will just go now.
I agree.. our kids are our life.. and most of our date nights that we make it out of the house with no kids are spent talking about the kids. We try to only talk about the positive things, but sometimes we do spend our time talking about how to deal with Garrett's issues. psst.. tonight is date night for us!!! We are going out for wings!! We are taking the baby, but as hubby says.. he doesn't say much
