Do your children seem to have friends of one race or another?

This came up in the dating thread and I thought it was interesting.

Do your children seem to prefer friends of one particular race over others?

When we were homeschooling it was my preference in friends that pretty much dictated who they got to play with. So race was a non-issue.

Now that they're in public school, though, I've noticed that there is a definite racial split happening. It's Asian... and everyone else.

Most of my son's GT class is Asian, and they're almost all boys. With the exception of one boy, all of his friends are non-Asian. (White, Russian, Iranian, East Indian, etc...) Several months ago I was shocked to realize that, without any intent on his part to choose on the basis of race, he had managed to invite every non-Asian boy in his class to his birthday party, excluding all the rest. (His one Asian friend got uninvited due to a fight they had - it's a rocky relationship at the best of times.)

I think there might be a culture clash happening here. None of my son's closest friends are Asian, despite an abundance of boys to choose from.

 

Not at all. Ems has friends of different races.

 

My kids have friends of all races. One of the reasons we chose to homeschool is the school district that we were in at the time was very racially divided- to the point of having separate dances/prom. Those were not the values we wanted out kids to learn.

 

The other day, my wife took our younger daughter (aged 12) and two of her best friends to the movie theater. She couldn't help but tell me after how wonderful it was: three girls, from Christian, Hindu, and Muslim families, having a great time together. Indeed, this is the first time the Muslim family had allowed their daughter to watch a movie, so we felt very privileged to have earned their trust.

Our oldest son is currently dating a young lady whose family is from Vietnam, and our second son is dating a young lady whose family is from India. Our third son is very good friends with a young lady whose family comes originally from Latin America. The three best friends of our youngest son (aged 16) are ethnically African, Asian, and Caucasian. We are about as international as you can get!

PS: Our older daughter (still a British citizen) is married to a young man from Alabama. For a girl raised in Georgia, she definitely married someone from a strange and foreign land.

 

I hate to say it, but I have noticed that the kids at my daughters school do tend to only hang out with their own races as they get older. She is only in the 2nd grade and it is not as bad with her but you can start to see it, however with the K and and 1st it is almost not there at all. Then when you look at the upper grades it is like they don't even know each other. It is very sad to me.

I am not sure why the kids spit off like this, but it is very obvious that there are three groups blacks, whites and hispanics. We don't have very many asians at all. I can think of 2 in the whole school.

When we start homeschooling next year I am going to pay attention to make sure that my daughter hasn't picked up anything from being around that environment and if so I will be sure we have a talk about it. I want to make sure she understands that WE are friends with people for their character, morals and how they treat us, not their race!

 

Our church is in a black neighborhood, and so they are the only white kids that attend youth group on a regular basis. In the neighborhood, there's a group of boys that Phillip plays with. Two are black, two (brothers) Hispanic, and three (including Phillip) are white. I was going to say that most of Rachael's friends are white, mostly because there seem to be more white hs'ed kids, but then I realized that when she's at co-op, she hangs mostly with a black gal and her brother. This young lady is athletic, and Rachael sees that commonality more than the girl's color. Also, last summer we were at Sandy Cove, and she took part in the basketball tournament. She was on a team with three grown black men (!!!). And SHE was the only one who scored during the one game, lol!

 

I think part of it is insecurity. When you grow up doing things one way, and then you see friends of other races doing things another way, you don't necessarily jump to the conclusion that "those people" are bad, but even young children realize they're different. It's something outside your comfort zone. Different races (in general, not specific families of course)) eat different foods, have different beliefs, speak in different dialects, and even have different hygiene practices. (My biggest shock was meeting someone who came from a culture that didn't wash clothes... ever ... they hung them up to air out, so she always had tons of perfume and stinky clothes! EW! Nice girl, but ew, ew, ew! The smell gave me a headache!).

Back to the question, though ... my youngest doesn't care. He's 18 mos. My oldest has only one race of friends primarily, but it's because that's what he has to choose from at church right the moment... he hasn't gotten into co-ops or anything like that yet. There is one little friend from Mexico (one of his 5 "girlfriends", actually) and one little girl who was adopted from China when she was 4 (speaks fluent Mandarin), but otherwise, his friends are all caucasion.

 

My oldest is in 8th grade at public school and most of her friends are white simply because most of the girls on her dance team are white and the dance team girls are the ones she hangs out with. However there are a few girls on the team that she is friends with that are of a mixed race. One really good friend is black and hispanic. Then there is my best friend who is black and her daughter and my daughter are friends and she is half black and half white. Her best friend from when she was young was chinese. I can say that Samantha doesn't care what there skin color is but she does care what there interests are. She is going to hang out with kids who are into dance, athletic or the outdoors.

Grace is 7 and will play with anyone of any race. She has not established any really good close friends besides the girl that lives next door.

 

I don't acknowledge the term "race". Our DNA is human.

That being said, my kids don't have a skin-tone preference in their friends even though our community has a very small non-white population. The now elderly generation in our area is extremely prejudiced against non-whites, but it seems that is not the case with everyone else.

 

I commented on that in the other thread!

It's not the DS prefers one race over the other. But because we are a mixed/interracial family, he see's DH and I as a family. DH is white and I am black. DS is black, but I find that most of his friends are not black. It's not a race issue for us, DS will play with anyone who understands him. I just find it interesting that he only has 2 black friends and all his other friends are white or another race. I don't think this is on purpose, I just wonder if it's because he is around a mixed group of people.

It could also be that there aren't that many African American Homeschoolers in my area.
Often at times when we are apart of group activities, we are the only African American there and we are perfectly comfortable with this. As a result, DS has forged some great friendships with a lot of the kids.

Brooke-you would think we were past all that. But even here the older crowd black or white give DH and I dirty looks. Then when they hear DS speak, they make stupid comments like "Oh I'm so surprised he's so proper and well spoken". As if they expect him to speak in a different dialect or something. I just ignore it.

 

That's it - I don't think my son is doing anything on purpose, either. I also find it interesting that the split isn't Black/White or White/Hispanic, or any of the standard ones I hear about on the news. It's Asian/Everyone Else. My son actually corrected me a little while ago when I called his friend Iranian - it's true he's from Iran, but he apparently prefers to be called Persian.

And you're right about the persistent problems around race. I have a friend who is black, whose children are biracial (lighter than her), and what annoyed her most was having to constantly correct people who assumed she was the nanny. If a white girl has a black baby, no one assumes she's a nanny!

 

well I think alot of it depends on where you are at geographically. We are in a small town area and mostly white. My daughters are adopted from India. They have lots of friends that are white, a couple that are black, and a couple hispanic. Really, they don't have any choice over the race issue, as that is all that is available. All the kids in our neighborhood are white, except two siblings-black. My oldest came home the first day of Kindergarten and stated matter of factly that no one in her class looks like her. I guess she was expecting to see other kids her color. That was very disappointing to her. Of course many of the kids made comments to her about her brown skin and she did not like that. I told her many of them had probably never been around 'brown' skin, and so they were just asking questions because they were curious, not because they didn't like her or thought she was wierd. They just want to know about her. That especially came up once the kids seen that her dad and I were white. Well you know, when you are only 5 lol, who knows what goes through their minds at that age anyway?!
She is ok with her color, and ok with mostly white friends, but I think she is pleased to have a few friends that are darker skinned. Maybe she doesn't feel out of place as much?
I guess I can't relate to all that really, because I am white, and went all through school without having even one classmate that was black. We had one girl that was Hawaiian?
That was as close as it got. Just never crossed my mind to think about this stuff. We have had some awkward moments. We watched 'Amazing Grace' once, and my girls really had questions about the slavery issue.

 

My kids have friends of all skin tones. We have had hispanic and black foster children living with us. It really opened my eyes. People really treated me oddly when I took a child of another color into the grocery store. If Freddy was with me though we were treated nice. By myself it was a different story unless they knew me.

 

You made me think back to my childhood. Cornwall is a very rural area with families who have lived in the same town or village for centuries. At primary school (equivalent to elementary school), I saw only white faces. When we played other schools at sports, again it was all white faces. Walking around town or visiting family, it was only white faces. At church camp (shared with many other churches), it was all white faces.

At the time, there was a popular TV comedy show called Love Thy Neighbour. The basic premise was that a black family moved into a white neighborhood. Looking back, the jokes, stories, and language were incredibly racist. We'd repeat some of the jokes in school, really not knowing how offensive they were.

At one time, I remember a West Indian boy attending school. His family must have moved into town. I didn't really know him, but it must have been terrible for him, and I don't think he stayed. Only when I went to university did I encounter people from other countries and soon had friends from all around the world. University changed me a lot in this area, and I suddenly realized just how prejudiced my background had made me. Since then, I've had a very low tolerance for racism and prejudice in general - maybe a reaction against my attitudes as a child.

 

I was talking about this we DH and he was saying that while DS was in school which was predominately black, the kids were mean to him. DH thinks that may be why DS is more comfortable approaching a kid of another race other than his own race. I watched last weekend at a b-day party. There were kids there of all races and DS never even talked to the black kids. DH said he probably thought they would be mean to him because of past experiences. Meaning it could be vise versa. Had he attended a school with mostly white kids that were mean to him. He probably would be reluctant to try to strike up a friendships with white kids. He will play with anyone who is interesting to him regardless of race, but I find that he will approach a white or Asian kid to play before any other race.
Does that make sense?

 

Left alone, I think kids will play with whoever they find that are "nice", "friendly", and/or have the same interests. And, the reverse is true. If a kid is mean or demanding his own way, the kids won't want to play with him, regardless of his skin tone. I don't think kids really pay attention to the skin color, unless it's brought to their attention. Now as they get older, their experiences/upbringing will change that. But I know that if you put Phillip in with a bunch of 10yo boys with blue skin, all you will have to add is a soccer ball or some toy guns and they'll be best friends within ten minutes!

 

Well, my kids are bi-racial...so to staying with their own race can make them look multicultural indeed. lol.

I think it's natural to around those who feel comfortable with. Since most families are all the same skin tone (thank you, Brooke) you tend to feel comfortable with those who "look" like you. Or if you are white and grow up in a black neighborhood or vice versa, you may feel differently. I knew a black girl who felt more comfortable around white people because she grew up around whites. I think it's natural and not racist. Racism would come into play if you felt superiority over another person based on skin color.

Anyway, my kids don't pick friends by race or skin color. From what you mentioned, Meg, it doesn't sound like your son is NOT picking Asian friends. I'm not sure I'd worry or think too much about it unless you noticed he has something against Asians in general and that was the reason for him not having Asian friends. Sometimes minorities form tight bonds and kinda stick together. This may not just be your son's decision. Just a thought.

 

I have had people ask me and my kids if they had different fathers. My first is as white as me and has red hair. My second has more of a Hispanic skin tone with dark brown hair. So no one thought they were full siblings. Even with my 3rd....white skin tone and red hair...4th...darker..Italian looking or even Arabic..with dark brown hair. her hair is also wavy and not curly like my other girls. Anyway..even with the light, dark, light, dark pattern...LOL...people still ask. Kids in the neighborhood have asked my kids...not in a rude way but a curious way. They didn't realize that was not a proper question...they didn't care what the answer was, they just asked.

 

Ava, hope you don't mind me using your family in this illustration, but you beautifully represent the genetics of the human race. We all contain the genetics to have a wide variety of skin tones in our children. And even if you are not talking about skin tone (think eye shape, etc.), the only thing that makes eyes seem more or less open is the amount of fat contained in the lid.

If anyone really wants to learn about the myth of the races, check out some of the Answers in Genesis stuff by Ken Hamm. Brilliant studies!

 

This is a huge factor, I am sure.