Do your children seem to have friends of one race or another?

I've never noticed my son has anything against any group in general - he's often very vocal in criticizing what he sees as prejudice and intolerance in his friends. I think it's more that my son tends to pick friends who are laid back and easy-going, and not particularly academically ambitious. Generalizing outrageously, I'd have to say those are not dominant characteristics of our local Asian community.

Now, I don't like this phrase and don't allow it in my home, but the children in school refer to anything less than 100 percent as an "Asian Fail". Meaning, everyone else fails when they get less than 50 percent on a test, but the Asian kids expect to achieve nothing less than perfection. My kids tell me their Asian classmates have embraced this concept, and use the phrase themselves more than anyone.

My daughter - being a minority of sorts herself, as a girl - has girl friends of every race. She was very upset the other day to discover that one of her Asian friends has a grandfather who barely tolerates her and won't speak to her little sister at all. Apparently he thinks the little sister is "useless" because she's a girl, and not even gifted, so she has no value at all. Our daughter also comes home thanking us for being her parents whenever she sees a classmate in tears over an unacceptably low grade (usually something in the 80's).

But I need to remind my children that these examples don't define the Asian community as a whole. That people are still individuals.

Thanks everyone, for your interesting and thought-provoking answers!

 

You know what Meg. I think you are right. I just suggested to DS that he go outside when the kids come home today and he declined. I asked him why and he said. It's not that he doesn't like them, it just that he has nothing in common with them. They like riding bikes and basketball. While he likes computers/animation, reading and pokemon. Then I realized that all the friends he has black or white are all just like him to some degree. 4 of them very athletic (but still geeky) but they still play with him even though he is not athletic. The athletic friends encourage him when he tries, but they don't make fun of him. He said with the friends he has he can be himself. Whereas when he plays with the neighborhood kids he has to try to fit in. and when his Aspergers makes him say something off the wall or say something in a geeky kind of way they laugh at him and ditch him. He said they just happen to be black but they treat him just like the kids in school did.Another thing I thought of is the white/Spanish kid that moved here who DS became best friends with had the same problem the neighborhood kids. Him and DS are just alike.

He also said that when we are in a group he can tell right away from the first conversation, who is a good fit for a friend and who isn't. He doesn't care what color they are, but he wants to be friends with someone he can relate to in some way.

 

It's interesting, this conversation. We live in a very small town in the rural South. We have something approaching equal representation among blacks, whites, and tribal people (aka Native Americans). There are a few with Hispanic last names, but only a few, and the only Asian I know is a girl adopted from China by a white family. The kids at school date interracially (which is not to say indescriminately). When my dd was in high school (she's 37 now), I noticed that all her (white) friends were dating black boys. When I asked whether any of her friends dated white boys, she looked at me funny and said, "Mom, there aren't any." There were no white boys in the Freshman class at all, and the few in the Sophomore class weren't "single".

DS's best friend growing up was black. I knew the boy's grandfather because we worked at the same place. At the time, we were living in my father's house (he had remarried and moved to her house), and he came over quite frequently, without calling. Any time he saw this child over playing with ds, he would run him off. So this one time, I told the child, "Sweetie, you know you're welcome to come play any time, but let's not make the old people upset, okay?" (an invitation to leave because my dad had just arrived). His response was, "That's okay. My pawpaw is the same way -- when he came over to my birthday party, my pawpaw said, 'What's that white boy doin' here???'" So here it seems to be more a function of age/what you were raised with, plus what you've learned since then, rather than of "race".

Our church has mostly white members, as it was founded almost a hundred years ago by some white folks, English and German mostly. But in more recent years, we have added black members and tribal members, and those with mixed heritage. One of our past pastors was famous for his statement that he was "very careful about who he worshipped with" because he only wants to worship with those for whom Jesus died.

 

Just a question: I know that "bi-racial" is more nearly PC or preferred nowadays, and some words are just plain wrong and not to be used anymore. But I ran across the word "mulatto" the other day, haven't heard it in years, and got to wondering whether this term for a specific bi-racial person is now considered in the same category as "the N word" or whether it's marginally acceptable, or acceptable, or what.

 

My mom still uses this word and my sister finds it offensive because my niece is black; actually half but she appears to be black. I do not hear it often though. It seems to be more common among the older generation.

 

Oh I certainly agree about the older generation being much more against any sort of interracial anything, friendships, dating, socializing, whatever. My uncle's wife (she died years ago) would host a birthday party everyear for my uncle at their home. They lived in what is now a mostly black neighborhood. After lunch one time I notice a little black girl and boy playing in the yard across the street. Now most of the people at the party were at least in their 60 if not older. I went across the street to play and hadn't been over there 5 mins when my aunt came yelling at the top of her lungs for me to "git back over here girl! you don't go playing with those colored kids!" I was so shocked. I had never been told I couldn't play with a child that wasn't white. My parents sure never raised me like that. I went back totally confused and my mom said to just let it go and listen to the aunt since we were at her home. That still to this day bothers me.

 

When I was a young adult, my parents were "special friends" with a young black gal that lived in a residential facility. She was a very sweet little girl, about age 9, and would often come and stay with us on the weekends. I came home from college at Easter, and Mom informed me that Grandpa and Grandma wouldn't be joining us for Easter this year. Why not? Because that little girl was going to be there, and Mom was NOT going to make her stay at the residential facility because of G'pa's prejudices! So I called G'pa up and asked him if he were coming. He told me that it wasn't right for Mom to put that little girl ahead of her family. I replied that I didn't think it was right for HIM to put his silly ideas ahead of his family. And then I told him I thought he was a "biggoted old fool". Boy, THAT got his attention!!! It really bothered him that I felt that way, but I think it made him think. A few years later, he came up to college to help me move home. I had two black roommates at the time, and I warned them about G'pa, that Mom had asked him to ride along, not me, and I didn't know HOW he would behave. But you know, he came in, sat down, and spoke very civil to them!!!

 

When I was a teenager, I once accompanied my mother to a convention in Dallas. This would have been the mid-eighties, and there was only one other teenager there with his parents. They were black, but I didn't think twice about hanging out with him. All I cared about was that he was my age, and nice.

The first day, we went to a big water park, and he pointed out to me that he was the only black person in the entire park. No one treated us badly, though. They just ignored us.

The second day we went to an amusement park. And almost everyone there was black! Instead of ignoring us, like at the water park, people stared openly at us and made comments we couldn't hear. As we were leaving, some teenaged girls (black) started yelling at me, and calling me names and threatening to hurt me - it was really scary, actually. My mother explained that it was because I was with a black boy - they thought I was stealing him from them, or something.

It was a very eye-opening experience, for both of us. My friend had never really experienced racism, either, growing up in a nice black upper-middle-class neighbourhood in Washington DC.

 

As long as we are all sharing our experiences in this area....

My best friend in college was not white. Her mom was from Laos and her dad was black and Native American...(or as she refered to herself "everything but a white girl" ) She came home with me many times since I lived only an hour or so from school. I never gave it a thought the first time she came to the Aunt Jamima toaster cover we had gracing or kitchen. She walked in to get a drink and stopped dead in her tracks, staring at the toaster. My mom could have died she was so embarrassed. I openly asked my friend, "What's the matter?" She replied, "You have an Aunt Jamima toaster cover!" I came back with, "So. What did you expect???" Her response: "I don't know. Holly Hobby??!!" :lol: From that day on, we addressed all of our letters (back when people wrote letters) as Aunt Jamima and Holly Hobby.

Unfortunately, I never gave it a thought that my town had a less than 1% minority population. We ate lunch one day at the only diner in town. She got stared at and I felt just awful that people actually treated her that way. I wasn't raised that way and really had no concept of just how bad the older generation was in my town. Good thing we lived in the country, so she never had to deal with that again.

 

I saw something very interesting at my daughter's school today, when I attended the Talent Show. This show was written and produced by the children, for the other children, with minimal adult input. I suggested inviting Grandma, but my daughter didn't want her to see the show. After watching it, I think I know why!

Now, the school is quite multicultural. The GT classes are more than half Asian, but in the rest of the school there is a healthy mix of black, white, Native, Asian, etc... And they don't seem to segregate themselves - one set of three friends putting on a hip hop routine were black, Asian and Muslim (in a hijab).

Between acts two children (one of whom is Asian) were doing a goofy comedy shtick based on Harry Potter. At one point "Dumbledore" (who has already been established as a cannibal (!)), comes onto stage with a Chinese take out box. He informs Harry that this is the delicious remains of his girlfriend.

Harry protests that she's not Chinese, whereupon Dumbledore replies that she's the closest thing to Chinese that they've got - in fact, she's the only Asian person in the entire movie series!

This statement got a huge roar, applause, and much laughter, from the 6th, 7th and 8th graders in the room. Evidently the lack of Asian people in the movies was something they'd already noted.

I suspect my daughter knew that Grandma would not share their sense of humour.

But on the plus side, I saw a remarkably supportive group of children today. Before the show my daughter was cringing on behalf of one child - who truly cannot sing - but the other children sang along with her and jumped to their feet to cheer her effort. They shouted encouragement to a boy trying (and failing) to demonstrate yo-yo tricks. Everyone was supported, regardless of their talent and success on stage.

They're a great group of kids, even if they are not particularly PC in their approach to race or gender politics.

 

I didn't think the Asian joke was funny either.

 

Not terribly, but the Asian kids (including the one who made the joke) thought it was hilarious. As did all the others.

I think this is why they call this sort of humour "juvenile". :roll:

Oh... and my dd confirms that indeed, this IS exactly why she didn't want Grandma there. To quote her, "I didn't think she'd enjoy it, and I'd have been embarrassed knowing she was in the audience watching."

But she asked ME to be there??

 

I have often thought, "What makes one person think less of another person?" It does not need to be a person's race that I am speaking of but it could be that the person is short and a female, as I am, or any number of things.

I think it has a lot to do with how a person is raised and a person's experience. My parents and in-laws are both in their 80's. My in-laws are a bit prejudice towards other nationalities. They both were born with a silver spoon. Growing up was fairly easy for them. The depression was never felt. They inhereted money. My fil always worked very hard but he did inherit a lot of money. Perhaps because they did not have to suffer the way many people did, they think they are arrogantly better than many people.

My parents were quite poor growing up. My father worked very hard too but nothing was ever given to him. My grandparents were persecuted because they were Jewish and fled to the US with their lives. My grandmother arrived in New York all alone, 14 years old, and didn't know a word of English. Her husband to be was in a similar situation. I believe because of this experience, my grandparents made a point to not be prejudice towards others. In return my dad was the same. My mom also does not look down on others, but she often thinks others are putting her down because she is a female. That belief must affect how she thinks of and responds to others.

 

I will have to say that I am proud of us all for being able to have this conversation without anyone getting offended. So many times on other boards these types of discussions lead to hurt feelings and people leaving and such. I am glad that we are all mature enough to have such a great discussion about race.

Meg, I repeated that joke to my son and DH and they both thought it was hilarious. They called me a stiff shirt. LOL. So I guess it's just me. I didn't think it was offensive per say, I just was kind of like uh, that's not funny. In my own defense I am always the last to laugh after a joke. I always come back 3 minutes later and so Oh, I get it.

 

DH’s family has roots in West Virginia. When I first started dating him his mom did not like me. She is from West Virginia and his father is from Alabama. What’s interesting is that his father had no problems with me being black. He was always very nice to me. His mother on the other hand …well.. She never called me any racial slurs but she made it obvious that she didn’t approve. She likes me now, but I guess she grew up with a mentality of how “Black Folks” were. DH’s mother’s family is so racist it’s scary. DH has told me stories about how his Mothers family throws the N word around like it’s nothing. They use it like you would use the word “AND” in everyday conversation. They talk about lynching and how they liked slavery and segregation. Interesting though, DH was not raised that way but I do think that my family are the only blacks that his mother has accepted.

Then DH wants to know why I won’t go to his family reunion in West Virginia. No Thanks. Why on earth would I go there. I don’t think they would be mean to me with DH there. (I don’t think) But it would be a very uncomfortable situation for both them and me.

 

I can't imagine why anyone would want to walk into a "bad" situation like that!!! I sure wouldn't want to go to a place where I know beforehand that I'd be shunned at the least!

 

My kids are color blind. They don't look at the color of someone's skin to determine if they want to be friends.

 

My kids are "bi-racial"....but that doesn't qualify me to answer this. lol. I have heard that "mulatto" is a negative term. However, I've never heard it used though. My mother is the the one that told me it was negative. I once said my kids were "mixed" and the person I was talking to said, "you call your own children mixed! Mixed is not a nice term." The person said this laughing as if she was aware I was ignorant of mixed being a negative term. I didn't know it was negative. I still don't think it sounds bad...but that's me. So, I have just started to say "bi-racial" because I didn't know what to say. Some hate the terms black, white...whatever. I am not sensitive to things like this so the term black and white and mixed...don't bother me. So, I'm not the best to answer this question. However, from my understanding "mulatto" is negative. I would not be offended if you called my kids "mixed" but I would if you said "you have a mulatto child?!" LOL. And that is only because I have only known it to be negative.

Words are meaningful and meaningless at the same time. I think we need to know intention and heart. When I say, "my husband is black." I am not expressing disrespect...but some would say it was..ya know. Some prefer African American. I have never said that in a sentence and if I did, I'd laugh saying it. Only because I'd feel so PC. lol. PC is not me.

 

Can't say I blame you. I'm white and have been in situations where my skin color was looked at in a poor light. Once with my husband's aunt and once with some lady from his church. Nothing was said to me directly...but that was no needed. If that was the norm...I'd never go near his family. lol. Thankfully, that aunt is NOT one we see...well..now she is dead..but before that I only met her once.

I tell my husband all the time that I have no clue how minorities put up with racism. Being white, I rarely have had this feeling placed on me. However, in the few times I did...I was very angry. Having that be a part of life...UGH...ticks me off. Currently, my family has been able to go anywhere and do anything without problems though. I haven't felt that way in years. Yet, I do often wonder how people would feel if my child dated their child. My church is mostly white. There are two other mixed couples...one asian and white and the other black and white. Although, there were many times I thought there were racist members...which there most likely are...and once wondered about one of the pastors...I think everyone at the church is accepted. YET, I do wonder what would happen if my son wanted to date the pastor's daughter. Would my son's race be an issue? If not, is that only because my son is accepted? It's a complicated thing. I never knew how much before having kids.

 

I'm not sure I believe anyone is really "color blind" - though certainly if you grow up in a very ethnically diverse community then it's possible a child may not see different coloured skin as being "other" from herself and her family. She'll still put people in categories of "us and them". They just won't be categories based on skin colour.

Children notice physical differences. And they judge. There have been many studies on it. And hey, we've all experienced small babies "making strange" with someone they don't know. It's a survival strategy - these are my people and they will protect me, those are not my people and they might hurt me.

Many years ago, my daughter had a little 4yo girl announce that she didn't like her, because her face was "ugly". My daughter has a birthmark.

The girl's mother was horrified, but I could sympathize. My daughter saw her first child with dark brown/black skin when she four and her reaction was exactly the same. "She's ugly, I don't like her!" I made sure to intervene and introduce the girls, so they could learn to be friends, and my daughter could learn that we don't judge people on the colour of their skin.

I believe racial tolerance has to be taught. It doesn't come naturally to see all people as part of the same human race, deserving of the same affection and trust we give our family. We're fundamentally tribal in our outlook, and we have to learn to step beyond that.