How are you preparing your children to find their mates? How do you plan on going about helping them find their mates? My family has always taken this topic very seriously. As a result my parents started teaching us kids from a very young age how to raise children, cook, work hard, GET ALONG, and identify other similar attributes in others so we would know what to look for and so we would be ready to be found. It seems as though marriage and raising a family had been the ultimate goal of my education. So it was strange for me to meet a family with kids already in their late teens who hadn’t given this subject much thought at all. Is this a widespread occurrence? If so, then some of us need to get busy. Time's a wastin'!
I think my parents (mostly my mom) started talking to me about it when I reached 13 or so. My mom always taught me that it was in my best interest, and God's, to marry someone whose faith was the same as mine. They taught me about abusive relationships etc. and knowing when to leave and warning signs. My parents were very protective of me, and still am. They always taught me how to be responsible, not just in case I wouldn't marry, but because it is part of shaping a decent human being. As for helping my child (whose only 3, but lets say it's 20 years later) find a mate, I wouldn't necessarily "help" them as in go find someone. But I would definitily be scoping out the contenders and giving my two cents. I also believe though that children need to learn from mistakes. I was engaged to a guy that my parents knew I wouldn't marry, but they knew I had to find out for myself and make my own decisions. Eventually I left him (before marriage), but I had to do it on my own terms.
I was never prepared for my adult life I had to figure it out on my own. I lived in a group home and I was in a few foster homes. Therefore, I am teaching my children how to cook ( I still haven't figured that one out), clean ( I am still working on this one too, and to learn how to problem solve and have good relationships. As for picking their mates, that is their decision not mine. I f it were to be someone whom I think is bad for them then I would say something, but, I don't have to be with that person they do. I am trying to raise them to make the right decisions and if they make mistakes along the way I hope I am instilling the wisdom in them to learn from them. And if they choose to raise a family or be by themselves that is a decision I will support either way. I hope I didn't sound harsh. As I am rereading this I think that it does but I didn't mean to offend anyone in my answer if I did.
Our kids (9 and 6) are very aware of God's plan for marriage. We have also discussed with them that scripture says not to seek out marriage on your own, but if the Lord has it in His plan for you, then be ready to hear His voice and follow it. If I had been taught that it would have saved me a world of hurt. Not that I couldn't have done it without my parents help, but it is so much easier when issues are addressed and parents show a strong conviction in their beliefs. I have "coached" my brothers in their relationships. They are a couple years younger than me. One brother is now married and his courtship was one of the neatest things I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. The other brother (they are twins) has a heightened sense of lonliness now, and he is struggling with making a relationship work that is not being planned by the Lord. He knows this but his lonliness is overwhelming at times. I talked to him about the pitfalls of giving your heart to someone before you are sure they are "the one". He has experienced divorce--as do all who 'fall in love' prematurely--without ever having been married. And quite frankly, those feelings stay with you for a loooooong time. So. My husband and I take the stance that dating is never to be encouraged (and we know this from much experience). Finding a spouse is so important that one should never approach is so flippantly. The first step to finding a mate, if that is what your heart desires, is to pray consistantly for guidance. Our kids are already aware of this and I'm so glad that we started them off with open discussion at an early age.
Dido to Brooke's comments... We have set 16 as the very minimal age for dating. I dont' think they need to be set up for heart break unneccessarily.
How is courtship different from dating? I'm another one that wasn't taught correctly about adult life and the like. What a mess my life had been because of it.
Well we don't have to worry about that my two dd's were told by there daddy that they can't date till they are 82 if they are lucky. I told them if they get married they have to live right by me I would miss them too much. They went to camp this summer for the first time and it was very hard on me. LOL
I told Phillip, my "baby", that he had to give Mommy LOTS of extra hugs to make up for his sisters being gone!
Our oldest is 16 but he has no interest in the girls in town. He has made comments about the layers of make-up they wear and wear and the clothes or lack of clothes that they wear. I think both of our boys will be very pickie. I notice girls check them out, espcially our 16 year old. There is one girl who cranes her head around when he see's our oldest driving his truck. Of course I am with him for we feel he doesnt have enough experience to get his license and he also feels that he needs more time behind the wheel before he gets his lisc. So I am in no big hurry for them to date and the earliest would be age 16 and I will have a big club in my hand.
I am very picky as well. That's why I'm almost 22 and still single and still planning on being single for a while more. But I'm not just picky about who I'm going to marry, I'm also picky about when I'm ready... and now is not that time. (I bet I'm lucky to be married by 60.) Anyway, my family has decided to go with betrothal, which basically means, no dating, heavy parental involvement, and lots of family get togethers. The plan is, my parents or myself see a good match for me and take it up to God in prayer. Then my parents and I discuss it between ourselves until all of us are 100% sure she's the one. Then I talk to her parents. Then me and all the parents get to know each other. Then if that goes well, the whole families get to know each other better. Then all of us, save the girl, (because she doesn’t know our plan) pray until we are all 100% sure it's God's will. Then her parents talk with her and fill her in on everything that went on behind her back. Then they pray until they are 100% sure. THEN I get to "pop the question". Hopefully she would accept because she already knows me through the family get togethers and she already feels it’s God’s will and such. (But who can know the mind of a woman?) Then the engagement is used to build the emotional bond between me and her while maintaining around the clock family supervision. NO TOUCHING! Then after the wedding, the rest is history. If at any point anyone does not feel 100% sure it’s God’s will for me and her to be together, the whole thing gets called off until they do. (Which could be never) Also, the reason the girl is kept in the dark until the end is to protect her heart through the painstakingly long process of prayer and supplication. Besides, she would hate the sibling who might throw a wrench in the works and that would throw off the test altogether. I mean, I would hate to be the one to get between my sister and her "Knight in Shining Armor"… :shock: So... what do ya think? Am I nuts? 8)
So this girl gets kept around unless you and your family decides she's acceptable? And, if one family feels she's not 'the one' she gets cut loose? How about protecting her heart from the rejection if she doesn't measure up after all that?? What's her consolation prize, a cookbook of get together recipes?? I'm glad you're too old for my daughter.
Becky, I knew you would have something to say on that one, LOL! He sort of summed up courtship, or at least my understanding of it (thanks, Recondite. I don't think I could have done it!) Courtship is done in a way to PROTECT the girl's heart, Becky. Much better than dating a guy for a few months (complete with all various degrees of "making out"), then splitting up, dating another and splitting up, etc. Think of her heart in THOSE cases! I seriously dated a guy for ELEVEN YEARS, and he married someone else. If you would like, I can try to locate a very good journal-type piece written by a young lady about her courtship, so you can see how it "works" in "real life". Recondite, I didn't realize you were a guy!
Becky, here it is! Try this link. Go to the bottom of the page, and click on Jennifer's Courtship Story. There's also a link for her parents' version of the story. http://www.simplicityhouse.com/SowersSeed/
Don't worry, Jackie, several of us made the same assumption....and we all know what happens when we assume something . I don't know much about courtship the way Josh mentioned it. My brother's courtship had to be done without parental involvement because our parents only know dating.(and he was in his late 20's and lived 4 hours away) My mom has always been the type to find out that we went out with someone and she is immediately wanting to know if they are "marriage material". He was very careful to go to things in groups or with her family and he discussed his intentions with them and of course got their approval first. However, not being raised in a strict courtship home (either of them), he had to go on what he knew of God's Word and honoring his future wife. It was beautiful to see their relationship grow in a pure way, not influenced by physically progressive attachments. The concept of her not knowing is a bit exciting to me! Let's face it ladies...how many of us were instantly attracted to someone and gave them our hearts just because they showed us attention and found us attractive? I can see the wisdom in most of that method...however, you would have to have an entire family who seeks the Lord's will or you could really have a problem with keeping it "hush hush". With the wrong attitude those well meaning intentions could turn to deceit in a hurry.
Once the process moves to the girl's family she has already been deemed "acceptable" by my family and it is me who is the one being tested by hers. She would have no knowledge of any sort of rejection due to the fact that my family would be the only ones who knew about it at that point. It would be me who would receive the "emotional deathblow" and not her because that's the way it should be. I should be both the instigator and the rejected because that is my place as the man. I’m the protector. As far as her being kept around until everyone makes up their minds goes, that’s not up to me. When it’s being discussed between my family and myself, her family has no knowledge of our intentions and somebody could very easily beat me to her. Once I approach her family about the whole idea, it’s totally out of my hands. If they like me, they save her. If they don’t, they don’t. I doubt it would take them long to decide against me if they are going to. So I don’t think that it would be as much of a problem as you might think. HEY, Don't spoil my wedding gift!
But, just so I understand, you will continue to see this girl until you and your family decide if this is who God wants you to have, even if that process takes, say 6 months? If it is then decided she's not the one, she is wished well on her future endeavors? So, she spends six months with you thinking everything is fine, then you tell her it's been decided she's not right for you? That's cruel. I'm sorry. I was cool with the entire first part of your original post until it got to where the girl is let go if anyone decides she's not the right one. So at that point- she's been told it won't work- what about her feelings if she genuinely loves you and she's done nothing to deserve this? Jackie, it's not about having an opinion. This is cruel. Would you want this for your girls- have them interested in a seemingly nice guy and then have them be told it won't work out??
To me there are three different approaches to matchmaking, dating, courtship, and betrothal. Dating being... well... dating. The hardest of the three. Courtship being parental/family supervised dating where the guy or girl basically runs the show as far as who they date and so forth. Courtship could be called the easiest of the three. And then there is betrothal as I described above. It isn't as hard as dating due to the relatively low emotional impact comparatively, but it is harder than courtship because it involves whole families and absolute submission to the parents (or authority figure) by the couple in order for it to work effectively. It seems to me that the last thing a couple wants to hear is that they can’t marry the one they think is best. Eh, don't worry about it. I get that a lot.
