to discipline a child? Ok first off, I know this is a touchy subject.. and I know we can all respect each other here.. so lets do that ok? Each of us have our own parenting styles and NONE of them are wrong. Most of you know of the issues we have with our oldest. We have tried everything possible with him, including spending tons of money we couldn't afford for counseling.. that did no good and they refused to give us any kind of official diagnosis since he didn't have a public school teacher to say he misbehaved and had something wrong with him (geee thanks big hospital system). They told us that they felt he was most likely ADHD, but without any outside the home observations they wouldn't and couldn't give us a diagnosis. We asked about ODD and they said yes it was a good possibility but again couldn't and wouldn't give us a diagnosis. I have since read every book I can on both disorders and I am 100% certain he is ODD, and about 95% certain he is ADHD. He is mean and nasty all the time, and if you ask him to do his regular chores (nothing hard.. esp for a 10 year old.. feed animals, take out trash when it's full, and take out and sort recycling.. that is it!) he flips even worse... starts pushing and shoving his little brother and sister, yelling at everyone, smashing things.. you name it. He is forever stealing stuff from around the house, nothing is safe around him. He steals food, school supplies, even things like my foil and plastic wrap. He feels everything belongs to him and everyone owes everything to him. Just today I walked into his room to the smell of burnt matches! I started looking and there were a bunch of burnt kitchen matches around his room! I am at the end of my rope with him.. his brother and sister are starting to act like him... and I feel so friggen helpless. I feel like I'm ruining all of my kids by allowing him to behave the way he does around the little ones.. but at the same time I feel we have tried everything. I scream more than any parent ever should, because I just don't know what else to do anymore. He has had spankings, beatings, groundings, priviliges removed, he has lost pretty much everything... my next step is to remove EVERYTHING from his room, leaving him 2 outfits and a bare mattress. I also want to remove his bedroom door.. I can't risk him in there doing anything as stupid as playing with matches ever again. He is going to the dr this afternoon.. I'm going to have hubby seriously ask the dr to let us try something for ADHD.. I have tried everything herbal out there.. and have had no luck.. and I don't kow what other way to go. So how far is too far? What direction would you take with this kid?
If, in order to get the appropriate diagnosis and medication, I had to put him in a school of some kind, I would. If he truly is ODD and ADHD, then he needs to be in behavioral therapy and on medicinal therapy. I can't believe they wouldn't diagnose him without that. For gosh sake, it sounds like he's become a safety threat to the whole house! Do whatever it takes to get that diagnosis and get him in the programs he needs to correct the behavior. You can always bring him back to homeschooling after the diagnosis if you want to. I'm so sorry for your heartache at this. I'm afraid if your son really has these behavioral disorders that standard methods of discipline just aren't going to cut it. Good luck to you in getting the help you all need.
I agree Sommer. You have to do whatever it takes because you can not allow him to negatively influence your other kids. He sounds very dangerous! Burning matches in his room like that could damage the house, maybe even kill someone if the house caught fire. It could be really bad. If medicating him and putting him in a school will help them I say do it. He isn't king of the world and you have to think about the rest of your family and keep them safe. They shouldn't have to be hit and shoved and yelled at and take the brunt of him bad behavor issues. ((((BIG HUGS)))))) coming your way! I know you have done everything you know to do and i know you love him and the answer may be hard to swallow becasue you love him but just remember there are other people being affected. I wish you the best of luck! Please keep us posted.
I have no idea but I really wish I could be there to give you a hug. I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be. I'd certainly hound the doctor and do everything you can do to get the diagnosis you need. I think Shelley's right in that you've done as much as you can in terms of parenting and he needs help you can't provide. I know this might not be an option you'd want to pursue but would your state family or children's services be able to help? Heck, I might even resort to sticking him in school if it would make someone sit up and take notice an give you the means to get a diagnosis. Not to mention some time away from him for now so you can regroup and have a bit of time to breath.
I feel so lost and so confused. I have heard a million times that it isn't my fault the way he behaves, but I can't help but feel like it is. I feel the stares out in public when he acts up. They burn right through you and make you want to just vanish off the face of the earth. We pulled him from public school because he was always in trouble.. they would call me every day.. yes every single day to tell me he had done this or that.. back then it was simple little things like dropping his pencil 10 times an hour or eating his eraser just to get the attention of getting a new one, or falling out of his seat repeatedly. They even had the nerve to tell me that I was doing something wrong at home, because no child who is discliplined at home behaved this way at school. They told me I needed to fix my parenting skills, that I obviously had none.. yes they had the nerve to tell me this! Our public school system is really in a shambles right now.. the elementry schools are way over crowded, and falling apart.. one of them even spent half the winter with no furnace and they made the kids attend classes in their winter coats. I have to avoid that situation at all costs! I have thought about Milton Hershey school. It's a boarding school for low income families, and I think we would just qualify for it... the bad things about it are that you have to sign over gaurdianship of your child to them, they also say that the kids shouldn't have social issues.. so he may end up expelled from there anyway if we do send him. The school is right in Hershey PA, they provide pretty much everything for the kids, even clothes. Parents are only allowed to visit a few times a year, and you have to apply for a visit, kids are only allowed to come home on a few holidays a year.. yes they stay there all summer long. I just don't know what to do. I wish I had a sitter for my little ones today, I would be going with hubby and him to the dr. We have to do something.. we can't afford any more counseling, we dont' qualify for any kind of government assistance.. and with hubby not having any overtime anymore we are just barely making it.. counseling costs us $40 a visit for our copay and if they even talk to either hubby or I they charge double!
If you could just get the diagnosis, he'd probably qualify for state programs for treatments, including counseling. Would you consider putting him into the school system just long enough to get the diagnosis? Could you suggest before putting him into regular classes that they run some assessment tests on him based on discipline issues he's shown in the past? Have you checked your state programs for any kind of help/relief? I'm just throwing out any and all ideas here. I can't imagine how frustrating this whole system must be for you.
Wow Sommer the boarding school sounds like the thing except for the fact that you'd have to sign over guardianship. That is tough. I was going to suggest looking into if your area has a program/school for boys with behavior issues. I know ours does and some insurances will even cover most of it. We wanted to go that route with my step son but of course his mother refused - because she wouldn't get child support anymore and now he is a worthless piece of crap. But I digress. Sommer it isn't your fault! He has issues you can't control and needs help you can't give him. Man if I lived close I'd babysit for you today so you could go.
To be honest...the best way to diagnose ADHD is in a brain wave test. Without it, many kids are misdiagnosed, IMO. It truly is the single best way to be 100% positive...and that is coming from a team of specialists that I have randomly talked to at the hospital I work at. I find it weird that they wont go through the standard testing to see if there is something clinically wrong with him. I would go see a different staff of physicians that are willing to go through the hoops and give you a definite answer. The ones you speak of seem lazy and unwilling to tell you what steps to take. Praying for you. Personally, it's the praying and my relationship with God that gives me my answers when it comes to this stuff. Hoping that you find answers soon. (((HUG))) ETA: I should add...I would not go the boarding school way if it means you give up parental rights. That, IMO, would not sit well with me no matter how naughty my child was...he is still mine! Especially if it's not a boarding school for kids with behavioral issues! If it were a military academy and my child needed it, then it might be different. BUT, being this school is not for "bad kids", then I don't see how that would aid him at all. The rules and regulations would not sit well with me one bit. It sounds like something you'd find in China. Eek! JMO
I would see if there is something in your county - some sort of counseling there. Check with child services - they might know of someone who can help you (they aren't all bad people there). Sometimes they might be able to give you a list of counselors for lower income families - their job believe it or not is to keep the kids in the home. Strip his room down - go for it..... honestly I don't see it as being a problem at all. Other than that - I would try a seriously restrictive diet as well. Very bland - no sugars etc. My friend's son reacts to red food dye the way others react to eating a cup of sugar!!! We found that out by offering him sugar-free cherry jello (NEVER again!!)
((((HUGS)))) I cannot relate to the behavioral issues, but I can realate to the school blaming it on you. The school told me that my dd10's learning difficulties were my fault, because I didn't expect enough of her. She was 6 at the time. I would not sign over guardianship of my child. I'm going to send you a PM of some of my thoughts.
The town we live in is pretty much run by a HUGE hospital. We struggled to find a family dr here that isn't part of the hospital system. The drs here do not give a diagnosis.. not even the family drs... all you are to them is a number.. they punch your number into a computer when you go for any appt. They read off the screen (yep it was this way when we were trying to get some kind of diagnosis with the psych dept. too), asking you questions check yes and no's and then give you a diagnosis based on what the computer program they have created says they should. It's like none of the drs are allowed to "practice medicine" they have to do what they hospital system says it should. I just spent 20 minutes bawling my eyes out on the phone to hubby. He thinks we should put him back in public school.. even with as messed up as it is, so that I don't have the stress of him all day long. Hubby gets home 10 minutes after the bus passes in the afternoon, and he does behave a slight bit better when hubby is around. Ugggg I just don't know. I can't wait for them to come home from the drs and see what he says. He has been trying hard to help us with Garrett's behavior issues. I was thinking of making some kind of positive reward system.. like he earns points for doing things with a positive attitude, and he can redeem them for things like playing a family game or something.. which family games are something hubby and I hate because he throws a fit if he isn't winning.. but he does ask to play them.
I agree also with striping his room down and taking the door off the hinges. My best friend actually had to go that route with her 14 year old dd this weekend. All she has left are clothes and a matress. She can't be trusted so the door and everything in the room went.
Hubby says he doesn't know where we would store everything... personally I would make him take it all to the savation army.. but hubby says he won't allow that. Our shed is already overflowing If I had 200 bucks in the bank I would go to Lowes and buy one of thos e cheap metal sheds... but we are broke so that one isn't happening.
Well I did a google search for you. Here is a site I just found and it is for PA, it also has phone numbers at the top when you click each type of school. I don't know if it will help, but something like this sounds better than ps.
As for the matches thing. That is not cool of him. My oldest did this not too long ago. He was in the garage in one of our cars with my youngest showing him. I freaked and it was my last straw with him not listening, or anything. Now he lives with his father and comes over on weekends and holidays. I just could not do it anymore.
Thanks JoAnna.. I wish they said just how much it costs.. or if there is some kind of fincial aid. We just can't afford crap anymore It kind of keeps running you around in circles there.
I would just call. If it was too much maybe they could point you in the right direction for something else.
Since you were talking about positive reinforcement strategies, I thought I'd send you this link: http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm It provides information on behavioral modifications you can use with ODD kids. It sounds like the biggest key is consistency among everyone who deals with him and keeping an icy cool demeanor when he pushes your buttons.
