I also want to say that I appreciate everyone's point of view, whether it be Biblical or non-Biblical. Everyone should be able to express how they feel and say 'why' without feeling like they are walking on egg shells. I really learn a lot when people are not afraid to be who they are and are genuine in their responses. Thanks ladies!
Leissa, there's lots of wisdom in realizing how each child is different and the "best" way for each. Does this mean you're "not fair" when you spank one, but rarely the other two? No, it means knowing how to best treat each child as an individual. Good for you!!! (Unfortunately, I'm still not sure the best way to handle one of mine!!!)
Thank you for everyone's input. Reading people's responses has really made me think, stretching and pushing me to be a better parent. So, again, thank you from me and my kids.
Didnt read the other responses but we never-ever spanked or even slapped hands. The reason why we never spanked: Disclaimer, this is our opinion and ours only and it only applies to us and its none of my business what others do and why. We dont believe in spanking, we feel that hitting a child tells them it is okay to hit others. We chose to tell them in words what they did wrong. We never spanked and our two boys turned out to be very awesome young men, they rock!
That is really the test of our parenting, isn't it? Did we take the time to see how they tick and adjust our parenting to produce the end result of a responsible, caring person? My kids were very different in the type of correction needed, but the result has been seeing awesome people develop.
I struggle every day with the spanking issue. I seldom do it, but when I do it is usually born out of anger or frustration. Then I realize that I'm no longer in control and the discipline is a mute point. It is also a easy technique to fall back on as it was how both my husband and I were raised. However, it is much more of a struggle for him - almost to the point where he will need to leave the house to regain his temper. He grew up in an extremely abusive home and is constantly trying to not repeat that pattern. As an example, when our dd was just hours old, his mother was holding her and looked right into this innocent face and said "We need to start spanking you right away so you know who's boss!". Both the nurse and my husband had that baby out of my mil's hands and into my mother's to keep a fist fight from breaking out in the hospital. I still don't trust that woman alone with my kids! Unfortunately, my husband may have controlled his physical damage to his kids and I; but his emotional abuse has left life-long scars on all of us. (sorry to get side-tracked) Bottom line is I try very hard not to spank as I just can't justify telling my kids not to hit while I'm "hitting" them.
Well, as they say, the proof is in the pudding! If what you do works, why bother changing because someone else says it shouldn't?
Thank you Jackie! We always felt, all along that choosing not to spank our kids worked. We gave time outs and that was enough punishment for them they really didnt care for that at all. My parents were hitters, if they were in a bad mood it was nothing for them to pick up an ash tray full of cigarette butts and fling it at my head while cussing me out. They would hit out of anger and I promised myself when I was a child that if I ever had kids, I would never make my kids feel like I felt. We have always been successful with just talking to our boys and explaining what they did wrong. It worked for us, very well! I feel in doing so, our boys are very kind, considerate and patient with others. They take the time to hear someone's view point. Not saying anyone else is wrong for hitting their kids but this worked for us. When I substitute teach at the local ps I take the same calm approach and I've actually have had kids tell me that I rock! They know without a shadow of a doubt the consequences for bad behavior. If they do misbehave I ask them, for example, if participation points are supposed to be deducted for poor behavior, how many points they feel should be removed. I have really been pleased with the integrity in which these kids have shown when I have involved them in the discipline process. I tell them they have complete and utter control over what happens to them daily in the classroom and they really like being a part of that process. I am currently subbing for a teacher on maternity leave and she told me that she polled the kids on which sub they want, she said they all voted for me. I asked her why, she said, "because you are nice". The kids said they like how I dont yell at them and make angry faces when they misbehave. LOL They said that they have a clear picture of my expectations. I used the same strategies when disciplining my own boys as I use as a substitute teacher. I have empowered my/the kids with their consequences which also helps to build character. I feel asking the age appropriate child how many minutes they should have for time out helps them take ownership of their behavior. Okay, that was a long post, congrats if you got through it. Just wanted to share why it works for me. :love:
It really does depend on the kid, too. I'm afraid that if you were in my husband's school, they would eat you alive!!! Not saying they need to be spanked in school, but part of the problem is that they've been "reasoned" with so much that they say the right words and then continue with their inappropriate behavior. There's no follow through as far as discipline goes, and they know it.
I've had some pretty tough kids with behavior issues and fortunately, I have been successful with my discipline strategies. When I sub, these kids know that I follow through because the consequences are very clear. Just last week a student who initially seemed like a problem, told me that the first time I subbed she felt that I was "cool" and felt like I respected them as individuals. I dont present discipline as "reasoning" with them, I ask that they take ownership of their behavior and then allow them to be part of the problem solving process. Kids respond differently when they are asked to "own their behavior and are treated with respect!"
Yes, I understand what you're saying. I found, for me, the broken record technique worked very well. But at Carl's school right now, there has been little-to-no-follow through, and the kids know that. One kid was removed and told not to come back the next day. He did. They called the father, father says there was no way he could pick the boy up, and they would just have to deal with him. So the school just sent the kid to class as normal. The teacher that does hall duty was saying that she now has a new name..."F-You", but of course, they're not saying just the letter! She's stopped writing kids up, because nothing is done about it. Because it's gone on for so long, reasoning is a total waste of time. Yes, it can work, but only if the kids know there are other measures that WILL be taken if necessary.
Wow! That is really sad. Sounds like there may be a problem with administration. Perhaps this teacher feels as though nobody has her back.
Sounds like Love and Logic. It saved our sanity and ds's rear end. We still spanked after finding L&L, but we only did it for reasons we believed warranted painful punishment on top of discipline.
We do use spanking on the rare occassion. Our older kids don't require it at all anymore as they understand consequences follow actions very clearly. DS, on the other hand, needs one more frequently as he is only two and can't be reasoned with very well. We still don't use them often at all, but it is a possibility in our discipline.
We do and did spank. But only after discussing the issue with them and explaining what they did wrong. My children are older so they really don't get spanked any more. Spanking worked for us. We have very loving, patient, caring children that have the upmost respect for their elders. We are always being commented on how well behaved they are. My kids aren't robots they express their opionions and emotions they just know how far they can take it. Spanking with Love can be done effectively. Spanking with anger should never be done.
No, we don't spank, but we did when our oldest was a tike. I should actually say that we tried spanking, but it was not effective, and to be honest, DD was an uber spirited child, we would have had to spank her all day. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-spanking, and I am not a permissive parent. I take the "spare the rod, spoil the child" scripture to mean that we, as parents, are commanded to correct and guide our children. Spanking can be very effective when used judiciously on SOME kids, but not ALL. My daughter seemed to have me in her sights all day long, and was doing everything she could to get a rise out of me. I found Dr. Kevin Leman's book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, to be of great help. I had to remove myself from the equation, and help my daughter move toward self discipline. In a nutshell we used a lot of natural and logical consequences for disciplinary purposes. It has worked very well, and DD at 16 is a joy to be with. She continues to be uber spirited, but she has it focused in a good direction, and I have kept my sanity. We were so pleased with these techniques that we continued to use them with our boys as well. Our youngest DS, who came to us through adoption, has a personality which is unbelievably like his big sister. I feel so much more relaxed this time around. By the way, we moved to NJ about 6 yrs. ago, and it is really unclear as to whether or not spanking is even legal here. I know people who spank, but they are very careful about where and when. They fear that they may be investigated by DYFS, and may even have their kids removed. Yes, I have known it to happen, even when there was no real abuse occurring, especially if the family is homeschooling. A social worker friend of mine told me that they feel more comfortable when the kids are in PS, because they can drop in anytime and ask to see the child. Homeschooling makes that situation more complicated. We also were required to sign a paper saying that we would not spank our adopted children (we are waiting for placement of another child.) The agency we are working with is a Christian agency, and we have been told that they have had couples decide not to adopt because they didn't think they could successfully parent without spanking. It just isn't true, and it makes me sad to think that they felt that way.
