DITTO! :love: I remember my mom losing her temper because she was cranky again and threw Kool Aid in my face. That was a very degrating way to be treated and after all of these years, I STILL remember HOW it made me feel.
The only thing I've ever found that works, as far as helping weaken the power of negative memories like that, is journaling. I've read in several places that the thing to do is write a little every day. Even if you think you don't have anything to write, once you start it comes no problem most days. It's amazing how you can make connections and discoveries about yourself on paper that never revealed themselves just by thinking. I've found that my brain, anyway, has a tendency to get stuck in grooves. Thoughts and emotions circle around and rarely get anywhere. When I write, that changes. It can be very therapeutic! Now if only I could stick to it for more than a few days or weeks at a time. :roll: I so feel for you MB, that is a truly terrible memory to have to carry around. I guess the upside of us having these is that we're more careful with our own kids. There are a lot of parents who can't seem to help but just continue it on to the next generation. I guess their scars were deeper...something. (That is not a passive aggressive dig at anyone by the way! I am talking about abuse, verbal or otherwise, not the spanking the ladies here are discussing.)
You took the words right out of my mouth. I am glad that my parents were the way they were with me and not my sister. I can see how they treated her like the princess and were very ugly to me. For some reason I had to endure that and I would like to think it was for me to learn how NOT to be to my kids. I think when generations seem to pass down abusive behavior they justify it in their mind by saying, my parents did it. Yes, my parents were very abusive but I CHOOSE not to be like them. Its a matter of choice. I dont dwell on it, I just make sure I dont repeat what they did and I treat others how I would like to be treated.
We spanked when our kids were small with a belt on the bottom. I cut a buckle off of an old belt to ensure that I didn't accidentally hit them with the buckle. As you can tell by my name I have a tendency to be clumsy. As the kids got older, our punishments have changed. We have even given it as a choice for their punishment. My dd chose it once over restriction. As with any discipline, it is useless if a child does not know why they are being disciplined. Any form of punishment can become abuse. If you put a toddler in time out all day, then time out would become abusive. It would be acceptable to yell at a child to stop when they are headed into danger, but it's overboard to yell every time they do something wrong. We try not to respond to the kids behavior out of anger. I'd like to say we have always responded rightly to our kids, but we haven't. That's when it is time to go confess my wrong doing to my child and ask forgiveness. I've even taken a privilege away from myself on occasion to help me remember to control my emotions. As far as God punishing us, I believe it is biblical. But, if you have to ask why God would be punishing you, than he's not. God is loving, he would never punish us then make us play a guessing game to figure out why. Most of the difficulties we experience are not a result of God's punishment.
It's a VERY last resort for us. But I will if I need to do so. I haven't had to in a VERY long time. He knows if I give him a warning and he does it again I will spank him. I don't play.
We spank our children for lying, stealing, cheating, and total misbehavior. Luckily, we don't have to spank that much, but is an effective form of discipline.
I tried spanking with my daughter when she was younger but to her it was a challenge. *sigh* It probably would have worked okay with my son but by that time I had other tricks in my tool box and was determined not to spank. I find young kids don't give much thought to consequences anyway and by the time a kid is old enough to give thought to consequences you need a consequences that allows them time to think about it. So spanking is sort of useless to me. Going out and scooping a winter's worth of dog poop though? That works very well!
LOL, I imagine they wouldn't want to do that twice! I am actually pro-spanking, but as others have said, it is used sparingly. Also, as others have said, both before and after a spanking, we talk to the kids about what they have done, and then there are hugs and kisses all around. Spanking isn't effective (like any other punishment) unless a child knows WHY they are being punished.
My step-daughter gets spanked but its very rarely. (I never spank her as she is not my child) Usually if she does something bad enough, the threat of possibly being spanked is more than ehough for her to straighten up. If she does get spanked, her dad explains to her why she was spanked and that he still loves her. I fully plan to spank my children when I have my own and only when other methods fail. I was spanked when I was younger and it works. That being said, my step-mom could strike the fear of God into me without ever laying a hand on me. Haha Her dad's cousin never spanks his kid. He thinks that he (Trevor) will learn from being scolded or lectured. Trevor is the most obnoxious, pain in the butt kid I've met in a long time.
============ I think the guidance and instruction do include certain kinds of pain. It's painful to get a speeding ticket, or a divorce or to be fired from a job. All these things can happen as a result of bad behavior. It does seem random at times, but then there is that verse that says a sparrow can't fall from the sky without God allowing it. I think God would rather we suffer early consequences than go on to worse scenarios because the behavior was not changed in time.
Yes, I agree they can. But I don't think the pain has to be punishment. I think it is more effective to feel pain because we have hurt others with our actions than the pain of a punishment. That is not to say that my kids are never punished. I just don't think it is effective for long term inner change. I think learning to avoid certain actions because we don't want to hurt others is far more effective.
We used to spank, but don't anymore. It just wasn't effective. It may work for others, but it doesn't for us. I was always doing it out of anger, not love, so I just stopped all together. I have found much more loving ways to discipline. It wasn't easy to just stop, but I hated it every time it happened, out of frustration or not, so we just moved on to something else.
