I have a hard time with a social worker "dropping in anytime" to see a chld while they are at school. To me that's a violation of both the parents' and the child's rights. They do NOT have the right to "see" a child without the parents' permission REGARDLESS of where it is!
That chaps me too. Mind you, she didn't agree with the practice, she was just relaying it to me. She also confirmed for us that we would not be allowed to adopt through DYFS in NJ, because we homeschool, for the same reason. There is a crazy relationship between DYFS and homeschoolers in this state. That is why we are working with a Christian agency.
I believe spanking is biblical. That said, disciplining in anger is not ok. We spanked our children after talking to them about disobedience and finished with a prayer of repentence and hugs. Restoring your child is a very important part of the "rod" discipline session. Besides the Bible, some helpful parenting tools were Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tripp and Doorpost Ministriesmaterials. I also like the Boundary books by Cloud.
I was spanked, my father was actually beaten, my children have had a swat to the tail a handful of times- which I later regretted. There are not going to be any actual spankings in my home. I would not presume to tell anyone else what they could or could not do in that regard, but from the research I've done (and just how I feel) I wouldn't do it. All I remember from when I got them as a kid, was a profound feeling of shame. I have no recollection whatsoever of what I had done, or wanting to be better, or anything clear thinking and reasonable. Just terror that the person who was my main protector had pulled down my pants and was hitting my bare bottom, HARD. I was ashamed and afraid, and that's it. I don't want my kids to ever feel that way.
I can understand why you feel the way you do. And I sure am not going to say what is right or wrong for your family. However, let me assure you that I doubt ANY of us here who believe in spanking don't do it the way you had unfortunately experienced. What you went through was wrong, plain and simple.
*Hug* MamaBear! Jackie, I appreciate you allowing us to think differently while still being friendly and respectful of each other. It's a difficult thing to do, especially with the big topics like spanking.
It shouldn't be too difficult, really. Everyone on here wants what is best for their child. That's the one thing we have in common. You have chosen not to spank, based on your past experiences. You don't want your children to go through what you went through (and rightfully so!!!). I, not having those experiences, come from a totally different perspective. But I still make my choices based on what I feel is best for my children. So, even though we make totally different choices, we still make them for the very same reason.
This is why I won't spank, either. I promised myself when I was 11 that I'd never do that to my kids, and I haven't. (But they did get a swat on the bottom to "hurry 'em up" a couple times, lol!)
We must be twins! I was about the same age when I decided that when I had kids I would never treat them the way I was treated.
I spank my kids, yes, and I'm not ashamed about it. Usually it's fro a time out, but for BIG things (like running into the street, breaking something after I told them to leave it alone, and other things that they can get really hurt by doing) they get a swat on the bottom. It's definately not often, but I think it needs to be done sometimes to drill in certain lessons. I gto spanked when I was a kid and I'm doing alright. lol OmaMom, I explain to the kids what they had done wrong (usually they know anyway) before and after, then when everyone cools off I explain again and we talk about it. That way everybody knows what went wrong. It wouldn't be punishment if you didn't feel some shame for what you did.
That was my issue with it when I was eleven - it was humiliating, and not in the "yeah, okay, I deserved that" kind of way. YES, I deserved to be punished at the time. But having to pull down my pants, expose myself and be smacked with a belt at an age when I was just starting puberty... that felt wrong. Deeply, deeply wrong. I felt like my personal integrity was being violated. I also felt that if THIS was the absolute worst she could do to me, then there was really nothing my mother could ever do to control me. What are a few welts, after all? She wasn't strong enough to really hurt me. It was scary knowing my mother was powerless, and it felt like being all alone. I understand my experience isn't the same as other peoples. And if spanking works in other families, then so be it. But I decided I could do without it, and my kids have also turned out just as well behaved as anyone else's (and better than many!).
If you spank in your family it is none of my affair, I only hope it's being done as 'carefully' as something like that can be done. I just said what I had felt as a child, and how I consequently feel now. (*hug* MamaBear* ) Spanking in anger, I think everyone agrees, is not the right way to ever go about it. I would venture the opinion that pre-meditated also carries the potential to harm, psychologically. I'm not judging anyone. We all want what's best for our babies, and we're on our own paths to get it. Different paths maybe, but I have no doubt any prayers for each other would serve only to reinforce what we ourselves want- safe, healthy, and happy little ones. I use time outs, a minute for each year they are old. And I'm no perfect angel let me tell you, I have raised my voice where I later felt a quiet eye to eye conversation, done in love, would have served us better. I can bark with as much or more authority as anyone when their actual safety is involved (streets, etc.) My oldest daughter is very sensitive, it doesn't take much. My youngest is less so, but so far seems fine with the way we go about discipline. So, it's working for me. I wish any and all families here only the very best, no matter how they go about having it~
We do not spank, slap or smack our children. Ever. We use positive, gentle guidance and discipline only.
Nope not me. I don't know why. I just have never done it. But I have grabbed my 13 year old by the collar.
Wow, Amaddonna! You must be blessed with exceptional children AND exceptional patience to make a statement like that!!! Wish I could, but my children, myself, and my husband are not blessed in that way!
I don't know about Amaddonna, but that's what I aim to do when I parent and I don't have exceptional patience. (I might have exceptional stubbornness, but that's different... ) Nor are my children exceptionally well behaved. Well, they are NOW, but they're teens - when they were small, they were quite a handful. Highly active and very challenging. I can't count the number of times I went out with them and heard, "Boy, you've got your hands full," in that slightly judgmental/slightly amused tone of voice people get. My daughter actually had a red mark around her wrist from me hanging on for dear life, because she *would* try to run into the road. You know what finally stopped her? We came across a recently flattened squirrel and I said, "You see that squirrel? He ran into the road and then a car ran over him. Do you want to end up like him, all bloody and squished?" She was quite impressed and for awhile kept telling people, "Squirrel's in road. Squirrel's flat!" with great big eyes. I guess, because spanking didn't work on me personally, I couldn't see any way it'd work on my kids. So it never felt like I was giving up a parenting tool. Now natural consequences (and graphic warnings about natural consequences)... I LOVE natural consequences. It's like the universe is disciplining my children for me! :lol:
"Aiming" to do it and doing it are different. When my children would misbehave, I would do that first. If it worked, great. But sometimes a more harsh response would be necessary. That's just how it worked in my home, because I'm not blessed with children who are always reasonable. And I'm a big one for natural consequences. As for running in the street.... When Rachael was a toddler, we had THE PARKING LOT RULE, basically she needed to hold a hand while in the parking lot. Well, we had gone to her half-brother's soccer game, and we were walking back to the car. She was with Jason, who was trying to hold her hand and she was refusing and trying to run off. I let Jason deal with it, but it soon became obvious that he couldn't, so I walked over and scooped her into my arms. Now she's upset, squirming, crying, etc. I reminded her of our Parking Lot Rule, and explained that since she wouldn't be good for Jason, she needed to be carried by Mommy. She's still squirming, etc, but I'm not about to let her go, for the very reasons you stated. Next game, I had a mother come up to me. She also had a little girl about Rachael's age. She told me that her daughter had also been refusing to hold a hand in the parking lot. Her mom told her that if she didn't there would be TROUBLE. Just then, Rachael started screaming. The little girl looks over, sees me and my struggling child, and looks up at her mom. "See? She wouldn't hold hands, and now she has trouble!" the mother explained. Her daughter, eyes big, thrust her hand right up and announced, "No trouble!!!" LOL!!!
