And in hind sight I totally understand what you all are saying about pushing him.. I can lead him but I can not force him - it's a choice he has to make for himself... all I can do is lead by example.
Beth, I'd do a hula dance in the street if my son would start back to church and straighten out. I often wonder what God wants him to go through before He brings him back. What is it he has to learn? At least he's Saved..
Becky, Some people wouldn't understand this but when Matthew was about 16 almost 17 the doctors thought he was going to have to have major surgery. He had had some minor surgeries but this time the Crohns was so bad they thought he was going to lose his colon. ( He did but not that time. It happened about 10 years ago) So the doctors told me I would have to sign for his surgery. I said you better figure something out if it comes to that because I can't sign for him to be put to sleep again. They didn't get it, but this was BIG surgery and I wasn't willing to take the chance of him not waking up or rather if he didn't wake up in this life I wasn't going to be the one who signed and he didn't wake up holding the hand of Jesus. So the doctors had already talked and wanted to try one more medicine before we had to face the surgery and low and behold that medicine bought us a few more years until he finally did have to have the surgery but by then he had secured his future in Heaven. I know some would think that was stupid but he was acountable for his own actions by that age and his Mama HAD to know all was well with his soul. All my children are special, but Matthew is my oldest and he was sick so much growing up, and we were together so much in the hospital, that he is just a little bit extra special. Beth
Here we go again!!! Well, Christian came home Sunday and as of tonight (Saturday) has left again... this time because he was caught "making out" (Noah's words - Tracy saw some inappropriate actiosn as well) with his girl friend (in front of his youngest brother) and he was spoken to about it (in private). He didn't like what was said to him (no dating and the actions of he and his girlfriend were NOT appropriate) and he went downstairs packed his book bag and left with all of his friends who were here at the time. I went to look for them to offer them all a drive home (it was dark and a we were having a thunder storm). When I found them, they were being driven to the homes they needed to go to by another mother... I turned the truck and followed, where she dodged me down a side street and then disappeared when I turned on to the same street. I came home and called social services telling them I want him home tonight and she advised me to contact the police (or she said I could try to go get him myself). I called the home where I knew he was and told them I was on my way over to get him (the mother thought he should stay for the night to cool off, offering for me to come talk to him "one on one" tonight or waiting until the morning). I went over tonight and gave him the option of coming home with me or going in the back seat of a police car - he chose the police car so I called the police to go get him! OMG! What am I doing wrong? Why am I having to deal with this? Am I wrong for enforcing a no dating rule for not allowing my 15 year old son to make out with his girl friend (kissing and HEAVY petting)? Am I wrong for not allowing him to stay at a home where they obviously condone teenage s*x by providing condoms for their child? If all of this makes me the rotten mother then I'm at the front of the line. He's 15 years old! I REFUSE to be held hostage in my own home because he doesn't like the rules. In another thread, I said I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he wasn't sexually active becasue he swore up and down that he was still pure - I know that he isn't - Tracy went to clean up dishes from his room the other day (and Christian was right there) when Tracy found a condom in his room sitting on his dresser. He got it from the friend who he had stayed with last week (and who's home he is at right now). They offered to allow him to stay the night again - NOPE sorry not going to happen. He clearly doesn't want to be here because of our rules, I have two people to call in the morning to see if one or the other will keep him until I can contact someone else on Monday (I do have one preference over the other because he is STRICT and Christian won't try to pull this horse pucky with him and if he does he WON'T get away with it). OH MY WORD!! I WANT THIS TO END!!
Oh wow Brenda. I feel so deeply for you. You are in my prayers, for sure. YOU are not the one in the wrong here! Your rules are not unreasonable. Even if they were, it's beside the point. RULES are rules are rules. I think you are wise to use tough love. He may hate you for the moment, but it's better to have a child that hates you than one who destroys himself.
Brenda, this is NOT the time to back down! You are absolutely right to not let him do those things!!! We've been through it with my step-sons. What's Tracy doing about it all? I've no advice on how to get back in control of the situation, but as long as he's able to hang with those kids (and their parents!!!) that tell him his behaviour "normal" and YOU'RE the uptight one, nothing will change.
Brenda, look at www.becauseiloveyou.org. Someone recommended it to me because of all the turmoil with Kevin.
Brenda, It is extremely difficult, but DO NOT BACK DOWN! That boy needs to be GROUNDED at HOME! You are absolutely doing the right thing....I would NOT allow THAT BOY to leave your house. He is not respecting or obeying your rules so he doesn't get the privilege of being out. I would certainly call the Christian individual to help you out but only on advice basis. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not back down or give away your responsibility as his MOTHER. Christian will KNOW this and think he's won. If that means having to call the police every time he's threatening to leave, so be it. Christian needs to follow your rules as long as he is living in your house. Don't let him get away with it. You will regret it.
I will keep praying for your family. I don't know the laws where you live but I think you better find out and not assume anything right now. You need to know this stuff just to be ready in case you can't get him to agree to come home. We assume that until our kids are 18 we can make them do things our way but that isn't always the case. I had a social worker tell me that after a kid is over 16 it is hard to make them stay home! She said the police can make them come home but they can't make them stay. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. Beth
Again on checking the laws: in many areas, running away is against the law. Repeat offenders may have to answer to the courts. It is a drain of public resources to have to keep going after a disgruntled child. If this is the case in your area, make sure Christian is aware that you will indeed continue to report his actions to the police and there may be consequences beyond your own.
Well, the police went to pick him up last night and he refused to go with them - they aren't allowed to physically take (or force) him out of them home and so he got to stay there. The mother of his friend said it was ok for him to stay there (of course she would - we're just a bunch of ogres here). Christian plans to call social services on Monday morning to be asked to be put into foster care (thinking it's going to be a picnic - and he thinks my rules are hard!). I've already been in contact with them twice and will contact them again in a bit. I have boxes and am heading down to his room after lunch to pack his stuff up. I am NOT allowing him back into my home if this is the way he's going to act. I am totally torn apart right now - have no clue what to do or where to go from here. It isn't my desrie that he doesn't live here BUT I can't keep going this way. Tracy was upset about the making out sessions last night but has been good about it all the way around - he's been the strong one - I'm being the unreasonable one. Christian wanted to stay at his friends house last night and I said no... he deliberately came home in a raunchy mood looking to start a fight so that he could fly off the wall and have an excuse to leave. Looks like he got his way!!! Oh God take control of this - totally 100% and take this burden off my shoulders!
Have you considered one of those ranches for rebellious teens? That may be the way to go. There are Christian ones, perhaps if he was put in foster care, they could order him to one....? I find it interesting that the police won't bring him home. Could you file deliquency charges against him, in which case they would be forced to pick him up?
Oh Brenda, my heart just aches for you. You are in my constant prayers. I don't have any insight or strokes of genius here, but I am lifting you up to the One who knows all things. I know that somehow, some way, He will be your great comfort. And once again: you are NOT being unreasonable. That thought has been put in your head by the devil himself. Rebuke it in the name of Jesus. There is nothing unreasonable about expecting your son to live by your rules. And I see nothing unreasonable about your rules.
The laws are crazy here in SC. As a parent I am not allowed to put my child out until he/she is 18 BUT at the age of 17 they are able to leave home!! When Jane left this spring, I finally called the sherriffs office and that is what I am told. I was told that she can come and pick up anything except for furniture. In some ways I miss her terribly and at the same time I hadn't realized how mentally draining it had been. Our situation is different because your son is younger. I really don't have any advice other than to pray!
Brenda, stand fast on what you believe!!! Don't let him be an influence on the other boys. They don't need to see his actions. Praying for you. I know it is hard, but you and Tracey are the adults. You know what is best for him. You might want to have a drug test done, too. I hate to say it, but there are probably drugs involved. My daughter ran away at 17, she went to her boyfriends house because they said that we were being too strict. I called the police, they went after her, handcuffed her and took her to the Detention Center. They would not keep her for more than 24 hours, so we went and got her and took her to Florida with her father, that's where she wanted to be. Within the month she called, begging to come back home. I will continue to pray for you and your family and for Christian to realize that there are rules every where he goes and that your's are not so bad.
I feel so bad for your family!!! My step son is exactly the same way! He would do the same things at his mother's house but when he came here to visit he didn't dare act out. My step son would behave EXACTLY like your son and his mother did nothing. Now he is 16 and has gotten his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant. He has no job, no education and is living part time at his grandparents. We won't let him come here because we do not want to negativley impact our girls. He has already burned too many bridges here and the girls do not like him or like having him here. Please do not back down at all. You are doing the right thing by having rules.
I am absolutely stunned reading this, Brenda. This is YOUR child, not the friend's mom's, and the police could not pick him up?!!! At the age of 15??!!! so then what happens if your son gets into criminal activity, doesn't it then become your problem and your responsibility for his actions?? I can't believe that he is willing to go into foster care. I am sorry that you feel you need to put him there. Why is it that you are not able to MAKE your son stay home? If the police are called at your residence, he would be forced to stay home, wouldn't he? I wouldn't put him into foster care, no matter what. I can promise you, that he WILL find a way to turn this back around on YOU. He is going to end up in a lot of trouble. Our jobs as parents are not easy ones, but you just can't give him up. That's not fair to him. You both will regret it.
oh Brenda, I am so sad for you.. I hope things start working out for you soon. I really don't know what to tell you I don't have boys and my girls aren't that way right now.. But I am thinking of you anyway girl. and heres a ((((( hug )))) for you..
