Brenda thinking of you and I will be praying for your family. Raising children can be so hard. Devin is doing pretty well but I fear the day he relapses. (hopefully this will never happen.) I am praying you get him the help he needs. Never give up. Maybe sending him somewhere would help, they could help you work on the problem. Sometimes reaching out for help from the outside can be the answer. What this is I don't know. We are still working on this one, but with out Devin's Doctor I don't know where we would be. I will cont. to pray for you guys and remember We are here for you. HUGS!
Brenda, when you hand him those boxes of his belongings, you should suggest he start emancipation proceedings if he thinks he's got it so bad. You don't want him going somewhere, then have them come to you for his support because he's a minor. Bid his behind well, and when he grows up and wakes up he'll see the mistakes he's made.
We have wondered about drugs over the past few weeks... he is moody as all get out and he was found in a neighborhood the first night he ran away where drugs are prevalent - there was no other reason for him to be there - of course, he denies being involved in drugs (but he also denies being sexually active while condoms lay on his dresser and he came home bleeding last week). Christian was home for a short time this afternoon (to shove off some more attitude) and he tried to tell me that the police told him he could leave when he was 13 if he had a place to live and a job - at 13! Uh... the minimum age for leaving home is 16! The plan I was counting on last night was for the police to bring him home and I was going to camp out by one door and Tracy was going to camp out at the other door so he couldn't leave but we all know that didn't happen. The lady who's home he is staying at has filled his head full of trash... she told him (and me) that she used to foster years ago and that he could stay there - over my dead body! He needs to be a strict environment where he IS accountable for everything he does - not where he can run the roads when ever he pleases (as is allowed to happen where he is right now). I called the social worker again today and I told her that I do not approve of where he is staying right now... I have to call back tomorrow because no one will come out on a Sunday to bring him home! I don't want to see him in foster care BUT I can't live with his moods and him trying to run the show as he has been. I can't (and won't) live with his deliberate defiance and going against everything we have set out for rules because he thinks they are unfair. He is more than welcome to come back home (and I want him back home) and I told him that today but it will be on my conditions not on his. We made rules for our home, I do not believe they are unreasonable and we made them to protect him not to be some war hog bent on ruining his life. Someday by the Grace of God, he will look back on it and appreciate it.
If Christian came home this afternoon, then WHY did you allow him to leave again? Did the police tell you that you can't MAKE him stay?? WHY can't you go get him where he is? I am so confused as to why you are allowing him to call the shots and run this show. I would have been disconnecting the phone, taking away the cell phone, taking away the bicycle, the TV, the computer....and blocking my behind in front and in back of those doors to not let that boy get out!! If you have to sleep with him next to you in handcuffs, I'd do it! LET HIM CALL THE COPS!!!!! Eventually, at some point, you WILL get a cop that will have his senses and let that boy HAVE IT BETWEEN THE EYES! This is absolutely insane. You need to fight fire with fire. DO NOT let Christian WIN! If he wins now, honey, he's going to LOSE later. DO NOT let him go!!! LOVE him with everything you have in you. THAT is what he needs!!!! He is crying out to you that he NEEDS YOU to set the boundaries for him!!!! DO IT!!!! It is soo hard now, but it will be so worth it later...he will appreciate you all the more and will thank you for it.... DO NOT GIVE HIM UP!!!
Jenn that is the best advice! Brenda YOU are the parent and he is a CHILD!!!!! He may think he is grown but he is not!! Take away every privledge he has - everything!! There should be n oTV, phone, stereo, ANYTHING. Locked in his room with you on guard! Why did you let him leave again?!?! You had him home! He is winning this game he is playing and laughing the whole time. You and your husband have got to be strong and not waver at all. That boy deserves nothing at this point! No freedom! Let him call the cops like Jenn said! You need to be hard on him not softer and negotiate the rules. There should be no negotiation. He has gotten everything he wants at this point.
Brenda, sweetie what Jennibear said is true.. you need to take her and Tiffany's advice and get is little butt home and show him who the boss is... yes, it will be tough at first but don't 'let him win..
okay, i don't live in their house... but i mentioned earlier that i have a history as a teenager of this kind of stuff.. and i can tell you that when i was determined that i wasn't staying somewhere, no amount of "YOU ARE NOT LEAVING" made any kind of a difference..... i know that everyone cares about brenda and the situation she's dealing with right now, but i just think that asking her a question like that might not be all that fair, y'know? this is a very difficult situation to be in -- on both sides.
I'll echo sevenwhiskers. I'm not Brenda, and it may be easy to give my advice as to what she should and shouldn't do, but until I'm walking in her shoes, I can't really do that. If anything, sometimes I wonder if God does let us parent so we can see some of the things He goes through with us. Yes, she could force him to stay, but that is only going to build up more resentment and hostility. Just like God could force us to do what is right. However, when we continually go against His will, we will suffer the consequences. Then, and usually only then, will we willingly submit to Him and his precepts. I was never a trouble teenager, and I had my brother to thank for that. I saw everything he did (he and Christian could be one and the same -- Kevin was actually a bit worse, in some ways), and decided that was NOT the way I wanted to be. Many people said to my mother some of the same things that are being said. "Why do you let him do that?" being one of the fundamental questions. Truth was, she wasn't "letting" him do it. He just kept doing it against her will. She never "kicked" him out, and she always had a firm line drawn about what was acceptable and what was not. In the end, though, he had to make his own decisions. Unfortunately, those decisions caused him (and us) a lot of heartache and pain. After 10 or so years of total rebellion (from 8ish to 18ish) and about 3 years of total h#ll (until 21), my brother did everything (and used everything) that could possibly be done. When he was facing 31 years in a federal prison, he realized that it was time to stop running from God and surrender. (He ended up not in prison -- our justice system really is "wrong" sometimes). That was 25 or so years ago. He is a devout, mature Godly man now and one of the strongest Christians I know. Mom didn't "let" him do anything, but at some point,she realized that even though he was too young and immature to make the decisions he wanted to make, no amount of force could make him do the right thing. That had to be a decision he made. It was not easy, and as I said, it hurt us all (13 years old and your brother's name is splashed all over the small town paper as a felon -- not fun at all), but that was part of his consequence. Brenda, I think all of the advice in this thread is "good" and supported with "evidence." I also think it is given with the upmost of care and concern. Keep the faith and remember that God is working. In the words of a song, when you can't trust His hand, trust His heart.
I agree that you need to stand firm on this. Over here, people can be arrested for harboring a runaway and the police will take the child back home in cuffs and hogtied if necessary. I am praying for you in this time. Patty
All said, I totally understand the questionning why did I allow him to leave again (and I've asked that to myself many times since then) and I totally understand everyone's thoughts. Sometimes I think it's easier to look at things when on the outside looking in (which is why I post threads... looking for direction from someone(s) who is on the outside who might be able to see it from a different angle than I can because of the position I am in at the time). All the input each of you gives to me- whether it comes from a been there done that perspective or just genuine concern, helps me to sort through this and helps me to see things that I might otherwise have missed. I could have forced him to stay but he would have left again... supposing it was in the middle of the night when we all finally crash and Lord only knows what kind of picture he would have painted of me then... I was not being rational when he was here - I was hurting in the worst possible way (and I still am) and I wasn't prepared to deal with anymore fall out. I have cried more tears in the past 24 hours than I have in a long time. If he would have stayed I probably would have totally lost it and blown up telling him what kind of a selfish a*s he was being because of the hell he was putting me through (and he could tell I had been crying - I looked like trash) but it wasn't the right thing to say at the time... he's already feeling like trash, I don't need to add to it. This is not easy... I hate that he isn't here, that he feels like he has it so bad here and even more that he's in a home where he can run lose doing whatever it is he pleases or where he feels he'd be better off in a foster home. He is more than welcome to come home when he is ready to live by our rules - and I do not feel that they are unreasonable. And to think... most of this started when dad would` overreact over things, I would act as the mediator between them but in the end, I'm the one losing out the most (because my own health has taken a nose dive as a result of all the stress this is causing me). If my husband weren't here, Christian would be home - they but heads all the time and this has been the source of a lot of conflict. This isn't about me, this is about bringing my child back home where he belongs into a functional home and being a normal family (whatever that is). In order for that to happen, a lot has to change. A week ago, Christian was open to counselling and I hope that it isn't too late for that. On a hopeful note, my niece and I are talking via MSN and she was in foster care a couple years back (LONG BAD story) and she wants to talk to him about the miserable rules, etc there. Maybe he'll listen to reason from someone who has been there - someone his own age.
Brenda, I don't know how it is where you live but just because someone used to foster doesn't make them a foster home now in our county. I don't know what you plan on doing at this point. I don't know what your options are. Do you have a relative he could go stay with in another state or town somewhere far enough away from the friends he seems to be following? I know you want him home but if he will just keep running away maybe you can let him go stay with a relative instead of foster care. There are places like N.C. Baptist Children's Home here where we live. Maybe there is something like that in your area. They don't just house kids but help re-unite families who are having problems like you are with your son. You should be able to find out about places like that through your local social services or through your church. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and really hope your son comes home soon. Beth
My niece is breaking down some barriers! Praise the Lord! He's openly talking to her right now and it's helping me. I'm going to go get him in the morning (by myself) and we're both going to go visit the social worker together and try to come out of this ahead... I've tried time and time again to tell him that running away from the problem does not solve it but only makes it worse... we need to solve it together, if we're going to have any chance of being a family.
Brenda, That is good news. Baby steps until he is ready to walk all the way home. Good luck tomorrow. Beth
Praise God for some breakthrough! Am praying wisdom for you and Tracey, the social worker, and your neice!
I find the police in this situation to be a trip. Here they just started a service where automated calls are made when a runaway is reported. You get a call telling you the child's description, and where they were last seen. This call goes to everyone in the vicinity of the incident. Maybe the officers in Brenda's area just have a sucky attitude.
Brenda, I pray for you and the family today.. I hope it goes well. like Beth said little baby steps that is a start.. I hope your son and dh can work something out before it's to late...
Brenda - you and Christian haven't left my thoughts in days. I am praying. I have no advice only because all of my kids are younger. I know God. And I know He is GOOD. And that He promises ALL THINGS work together for good for those who love Him...so I know this trial has a purpose. Hindsight is 20/20...so you will know when the trial is over, maybe. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
